Shrinkvivor - The Finale

Well....this is it.  The Shrinkvivor challenge has come to an end. 

No more weekly weigh-ins.  No more Exile Island.  No more taking pictures of a scale that seems to be stuck on the same number. 

It's Adios, Auf Wiedersehen, Arrivederci...Goodbye!!  Bet you didn't know I was so linguistic...did ya?

It's probably no surprise, but I'm kinda happy it's all over with.  Not because I don't think the challenge is an awesome idea - because it is.  I just don't like admitting defeat...failure if you will.  And I was so tired of repeating the same thing every week.

Now I have to come up with something else to fill the Wednesday spots.

As with the past two weeks, my weight stayed the same this week.  Here's the pic:

I'll be honest.  It's the same pic from last week.  Not because I'm cheating... but because my scale said the exact same thing this morning - and I felt it was kind of redundant to take another pic of the exact same number.

The fact that I've had the same weight for the past three weeks isn't great... but it hasn't gone up - so I have to be happy about that.

Two days ago, it was up.  Over a pound higher than what I saw this morning.  That scared me a little.  But, apparently, my body has shifted and on Wednesdays it appears that I'm stuck on this number.  I'll take it.  It's less than I started with - even if it is only by 0.2lbs.

You think I would have learned my lesson by now when it comes to these challenges.  The pattern is the same each and every time.  I start off pretty well...but by about week 3 or 4, I just start to fizzle out and stray off into I'm Done Land....and I check out.

Knowing that I don't have to weigh in anymore for this challenge - I'm curious to see what my weight will be like in the weeks to follow.  Will it go up?  Will it go down?  Only time will tell, I guess.

It's apparent that the fact that I've gone back to eating better is making some impact.  Maintaining my weight is pretty hard.  It tells me I'm not eating too much to gain - but I'm eating too much to lose.  Throwing in some exercise is the key... but you know that story. 

Both Monday and yesterday, I told myself that I was going to walk once I got home from work.  Monday, I ended up having an emergency with a kid at school - and didn't get home until late and it was getting dark.  Yesterday, I had a person show up to buy something I was selling on Craigslist...and by the time we got it loaded and she left?  It was time to fix dinner - and it was already getting dark.

That's the problem with this time of year - it gets dark so much earlier, that I have a very small window to get out and walk.  During the week, anyway.  I have absolutely no excuse about the weekends....except for the fact that I'm in crazy cleaning mode - and feel like getting my house all sparkly clean is much more important than going for a walk up the street.

Hubby did his part to help me out, yesterday.  Remember me telling you guys that it wasn't food that was going to hurt me during the holidays?  It's the coffee creamers.  Those creamers have around 60 calories a teaspoon!!  Well, when I got home yesterday, he showed me that he might have found my answer.  Bailey's has come out with a line of non-alcoholic coffee creamers...one in which tastes just like Baileys.  And...and....and.....it's FAT FREE and only 25 calories a tablespoon!  Which is all I use in one cup of coffee.  

Last night I had 4 cups of coffee - which was 100 calories - which is about 50 calories less than what I would have had if I'd eaten a snack.  It's also less than half of the calories I would have consumed if still using the other coffee creamers.

Isn't my Hubby amazing??

OK, time to get off of here and go catch up on some blogs.  I actually got my behind out of bed on time this morning - so now I have some extra time on my hands.  It's definitely time I paid a visit to some of the blogs I've been neglecting.

Everyone have a great Hump Day!!

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor: Week 6....Almost ToThe End

Well...the Shrinkvivor challenge is coming to a close.  Just one more week before the Ultimate Shrinkvivor is revealed.  It's definitely not me.... but I'm happy for those that have fought hard and outlasted.  All those left in the merged tribe should feel very proud of themselves.  It was a hard feat to make it through to the end - and I am very proud of them.

As with all challenges I've participated in...my numbers show that I haven't done everything I could have to really put forth my best effort with this challenge.  I thought I could really use it to my benefit - and help give me a good start at losing some serious poundage.

Want to know how much I've lost in 6 weeks?  0.2lbs.  That's it.  Yep.  I am only 0.2lbs lighter today than what I was 6 weeks ago. 

Here's the pic from this morning...

It has the same numbers as my picture from last week.  No more, no less.

It's never fun to admit to you that I have failed.  I let a good opportunity pass me by.  I could have buckled down, done a lot more, and really had great success with this challenge...but I didn't.

It wasn't all a complete failure.  I mean, I found myself again...sorta...hidden in the laziness and self wallowing, I found the girl that wanted to be fit and healthy....again.  My actions just haven't reflected my spirit...or it was a little too much, too late.

Whatever it is, I have realized one important thing:  I can't expect a weight loss challenge to motivate me to work harder and lose weight.  If I'm not motivated in the first place, being in a competition isn't going to help.  If anything, competing just makes it worse.  I end up feeling like a bigger failure. 

I have decided that until I'm back on the road to gung-ho motivation, this will be my last challenge that I participate in. 

I have to stop living in a delusional world that fun challenges and prizes are going to make me do what I need to do to lose the weight.

I have only one person to beat, one person standing in my way...and that person is me.

If I can't take on myself - then I sure as heck can't expect to take on people that have motivation running through their veins.  They will be the victorious...until I can put myself in their league.  Which I can...I just have to do the work to get there.

In the past two weeks, I have seen a difference in myself.  I'm back to planning my meals again.  I've ventured out for a couple of walks.  I've gone grocery shopping and haven't picked up any junk food. 

I knew the day after Halloween that I had a fire inside of me that had rekindled.  I didn't even blog about it - but it's one of my biggest victories to date.  I didn't hit the grocery stores the day after Halloween and stock up on the clearance candy.

I know that sounds petty... but to me?  That's huge.  I can't remember a single year where the day after Halloween isn't my biggest candy extravaganza.  Seriously.  There have been years where I've taken a drive to Wal-Mart at 2am...just so I get the best pick of the clearance candy.  If that's not troubling - I don't know what it.

This year?  I didn't go.  I didn't even tempt myself.  I stayed away from the stores until the following weekend.  There was still clearance candy when I did finally make an appearance at my local Wal-Mart...but I just kept walking straight past it.  I didn't even want to look at it.  Not because I thought I would be tempted - but because I just wasn't interested.

I haven't even given my kids' candy bags a look.  I haven't rummaged through their loot looking for "the good stuff".  Nope.  This year, they've got all the candy to themselves....which, surprisingly - they haven't really been that interested in.

I know that the next few weeks are going to possess some real challenges for me.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are always hard.  I'm not going to be naive enough to think that I'll get through the two holidays without splurging a little.  But, the important thing is going to be self control.

Even still...at the end of the day...if I don't manage to lose much weight between now and the New Year, I have big hopes for 2012.  I have a solid feeling that next year will be my year.  Huge victories are coming for me...I can feel it.

So, my friends, even though I post miserable results from this challenge - it's not going to break me down.  It's only going to make me stronger.  I know that I can pull off whatever I want.  The fire has been lit again - I just have to keep it going.  I know I can do it.

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor - Week 5

Greetings, once again, from the depths of Exile Island.  

I've been here for 3 weeks, now...and everything is pretty much the same.  

I've been going at this challenge for 5 weeks - yet, I'm right back to where I started.  Literally.

Here's what my scale gave me this morning...

It's always disheartening to see a gain...even more so when I've done more exercise this week than the entire 4 previous weeks combined.  I hate that I'm now only .2lbs away from the number I started with 4 weeks ago.

There could be many factors at play... my legs are still killing me, so I could be building up a little muscle.  Doubtful - but a possibility.  It could also be the food that I've eaten this week.  Even though I've eaten better - it has still been way off from where it should be.  That's a much better logical explanation.

Being that my "change in perspective" didn't kick in until Sunday...I've only really been going at this for two days - so the five days before, where I still didn't really care much...and wasn't doing much about it is probably the best explanation.

This week, I've walked 3.2 miles.  That was in 54 minutes.  Monday night, I walked a couple of miles - but it was while Trick or Treating.  I walked for two hours...but being that I was strolling along, I'm going to claim 45 minutes.  I'm not going to not count any of it - because I could have just followed my kids in a car... but I didn't.  I walked with them.  That, in my opinion, is exercise....I don't care how slowly I walked.  So, altogether, I have about 99 minutes of exercise for the week.

I also stuck to the mini challenge - which was to eat no more than 2 fun size pieces of Halloween candy.  That's all I ate.  OK, so I ate a couple of donut holes, there has been some cookie eating, I've helped myself to some other sinful snacks, and I ate dinner at Golden Corral last Friday night...but that wasn't mentioned in the challenge to not do.  Yeah, I'm totally pulling at straws here...but bare with me.

Sunday is the day that I got smacked up side the head with a revelation...delivered by my oldest daughter.  She told me that I was happier when I was trying hard to lose weight.  When I was focused on scheduling and planning meals, when I was doing what I could to fit in a run several times a week....that's when I less stressed and more "laid back". 

It's funny, when you really think about it.  For months, I've stressed and struggled about gaining weight.  I know what I was doing to cause it - eating too much and not working out - yet, I continued to do what I was doing...and getting more and more stressed about it.  Already, since Sunday, I've felt better.  Getting out for some walking and a little jogging, having planned meals every day...I've felt much better. 

Yeah, I know, I still have a huge gain this week.  I'm up 2.4lbs.  I'm back to where I started.  Yet, I'm not as ticked off as I probably would have been if I had the gain last week.  Every week, I've been ticked off at seeing a gain or staying the same - but who's fault was it? Mine.  This week, I've started making the necessary changes to get rid of that feeling.  Maybe this gain is my body's way of telling me that it really is time to start over.

I started this challenge at 233.4lbs.  I now weigh 233.2lbs.  I'm basically starting over.  There's only a couple weeks left of this challenge - so not enough time to make a huge difference.... but my life continues after this challenge does.  It may have taken me this long to realize that my weight isn't going to change unless I change... but I know now.  That's what matters.

I could have thrown in the towel a long time ago.  I could have said to heck with it all...I'm a big gal, and that's just how I'm going to be forever.  But, I just won't let myself believe that.  Somehow, I've needed all of the struggles.  I've needed all of the stress.  I've needed all of the slow gain of the weight I worked so hard to lose last year.  I needed it all to help me realize that I'm the only thing standing in my way.  I am not destined to be a big girl forever - unless I give up.  That's just not an option.

So, even though I've basically been on hiatus since March, I'm never going to give up.  I don't really care if I only lose 5lbs between now and the new year...as long as those 5lbs are from trying.  I refuse to let myself continue on this road of gaining back the 80+lbs I lost last year.  I want to feel like I did back in March when I felt confident, successful....full of power and strength. 

I know I can do it - I've seen myself do it.  Losing 80lbs is no easy feat.  I did it, though.  I did it because I cared, because I tried.  Maybe I just haven't cared that much in the past few months.  I've said I have - over and over... but what do I have to show for it?  Lots of clothes that no longer fit me, clothes that barely fit me, and a feeling of complete and utter failure. 

Despite all of that, though, I've continued to stay here - on my blog.  This is my one lifeline to the hope that I will keep trying.  As long as I'm posting here every day, I'm constantly reminded of what I can do when I really put my mind to it.  I'm reminded as to why I started this blog in the first place.  I'm surrounded by people that care, and show their support with kind comments and emails. 

Even though the past few months have been filled with open promises and repetitive declarations that "I will get back to it"  with very little follow through on any of it... you just have to understand that those open promises and declarations have been from the fighter in me refusing to let go that eventually, I'd really get back to it.

Things are going to be different now.  I have a feeling.  The soreness in my legs are a good part of that.  The soreness tells me that I took a major step....and it's a pain that I want every day.  Having this soreness tells me that I'm still alive inside - I still have it in me.  I don't care that I have to start over.  I don't care that I can no longer run for miles...and that I have to start out with 60 second jogs again.  I'll get there... again. 

I promise - once again - I will do it!!  I will see my goal weight one day.  In fact, screw the goal weight.  I promise that I'm just going to change who I am - once and for all.  I just want to be healthy.  I just want to be happy.  I don't know what the number has to be on the scale for me to get there....but I will get there...eventually.

OK - everyone enjoy their Wednesday.

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor - Week 4

Greetings, once again, from Exile Island.

Another week has passed, and what have I done to kick butt and take names?  Not much. 

It's Week 4.  This is where I should be sitting with a nice 5-6lb gain...at least.  Where am I sitting?  Exactly the same place as I was last week.

Yes, folks, this is what I saw..once again...this week...

I'm surprised.  Not because I thought the number should be lower - but I kind of expected a gain this week.  What with Aunt Flo on my tail - and her making me eat crap food all week.

I'm not happy to still be sitting at 231...but I'll take it, as long as it's not any higher.

Oh, how I'd love to stand on that scale and see a number in the 2-twenties.  Which is kinda sad.  Just six months ago, I was on the verge of seeing a number below 210..and now I'm praying for a number below 230.  UGH!!

At least this week, I won't be logging zero fitness minutes.  I'm totally counting the hour I played kickball last Friday.  That was the most I've exercised in months....no way I'm letting that one slip me by.

As far as the mini challenge goes?  Well, I drank water every day.  Was it the 64ozs I was supposed to drink?  Well...no... more like half of that.  Too bad coffee doesn't count.  If it did, I'd have way over 64ozs each day.

I'm really uncertain about what I want to do about Halloween this coming weekend. 

Every part of me wants to tell my kids that there will be no Trick or Treating this year...cause Momma just can't handle being around all that candy.  But that's not fair.

What kind of mother would I be if I stopped my kids from going out on Halloween, just because their mother can't control herself around bags of candy?  The jury is still out on that one, I suppose.  It would prevent cavities...that's a good thing, right?

Who am I kidding?  My kids are so looking forward to it.  I just couldn't live with myself by tearing their fun away.  Maybe I'll find them a lock box to store it in.  That might help.

There's only 4 weeks left until Thanksgiving...and four weeks later is Christmas.  I'm getting hives just thinking about it.  The time of year where food is the main guest at the celebrations. 

Seriously.  Three holidays, just four weeks between each.  And I'm trying to lose weight?  I better get my act together - stat!!

Any other year, and I'd throw in the towel for the holidays.  If you've been with me for a while - you'll know that's exactly what I did last year.  Once Halloween hit, I officially went on weight loss hiatus.  I figured I'd end the year just enjoying myself - and cramming on the pounds - and started all over again in January.

The problem was, I never really found my mo-jo again after that.

I'm not doing that again this year.  I still haven't found my mo-jo...and I'm back to October.  Maybe I should try the opposite this year.  Hmmm, that's an interesting idea.  Instead of going on hiatus, I'm going to start really putting an effort in.  How awesome would it be to lose more weight the last two months of the year, than I have all year long?  That would totally kick butt!!

I kind of like that idea. 

Show of hands.  How many would like to see awesome, motivational posts the last two months of the year...where I'm losing each week?  It would be a very nice change, that's for sure!!

OK, I'll try it. 

Bring it on Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  This year, you don't scare me..much. 

Here's to a rocking end of the year.  Time to find my mo-jo.  I left it in October, 2010...and it's time to reclaim it in October, 2011!!

Till next time. ;)

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There's A Rumbly in my Tumbly

I've got a rumbling in my belly this morning...and it's not cause I'm hungry.

I just know that once I start typing, I'm going to go on and on....cause that's how I deal.  You don't have to read it - I wouldn't if I were you - but good or bad, I'm going to hit Publish when it's all said and done.  You have been warned, and no hard feelings if you just move on from here - just come back tomorrow, m'kay?

Today is a pretty big day for me...well, more for Butter, really.

Today is the day that I'm meeting with his counselor, the principle, assistant principle, and a slew of school counselors and special education teachers to discuss Butter's after care schooling options.

I've been looking forward to this meeting since it was scheduled last week - but now that the day is here?  Not so excited anymore...and I have no idea why.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I feel like I'm going to be on a jury.  Deciding the fate of a person's life...except this time, it's my son.

There are so many options that will have to be discussed - all while keeping in mind what's right for Butter.  It's gonna be tough, I know it.

Being that he hasn't been in a public school since the beginning of 3rd grade...and now he's in 5th...there are lots of things to weigh out.  Considerations to make.  This isn't just about what I want, but what will be the best fit for  Butter.

Of course, I want him at the elementary I'm in.  But it's not that simple.  Is he ready to handle a regular classroom with minimal support?  Does he need to be in a more therapeutic/special education type classroom that can provide more behavioral guidance?  Does he need to go back to a transitional therapeutic day treatment school first?  UGH, decisions, decisions.

This week has already been tough.

I was so looking forward to running away from everything this weekend...leaving the drama, my stress, and my worries behind and going camping.

Then my dad found out he probably has to work this weekend - so the chances of going camping have now been diminished dramatically.  Pooey! 

OK, enough with the Debbie Downer stuff...it's making the rumblies in my tumbly worse!!

Despite everything I've got weighing on my shoulders right now, surprisingly I haven't been stuffing my face.  This much going on, and I'm NOT emotionally eating?  Is that even normal?  Not for me it's not.

This type of stress usually involves one thing:  junk food.  But not this week.

If anything, I've been under eating.  OK, that's stretching it - just a little.  What I mean by that is I'm eating my three meals a day - and that's it.  There hasn't been any real snacking, at all.  Unless you count the mint Klondike bar I've had after dinner every night... but that's dessert - and in my deluded mind, I've earned it....and the calories aren't too terribly outrageous.

If the worst thing I eat is a Klondike bar every day....then, it's happy days for me!

This week's challenges for Shrinkvivor are logging fitness minutes and drinking lots of water - 64ozs a day to be exact.  For the past two weeks, I've logged zero fitness minutes.  Not because I've sat on the couch doing absolutely nothing for the past two weeks - but because I haven't done anything that is categorized as "exercise".  Cleaning house, walking hallways all day, etc. are not exercise...so I haven't counted them.  It doesn't matter how sore I am at the end of each day, or the fact that I feel like I've given Bob Harper a run for his money...I haven't dedicated any time to exercising.

I do know that I've longed for a run.  Something else that hasn't happened in a while.  Longing and doing are two separate things, however.  I just need to bite the bullet and take my enormous junk in the trunk to the track and be done with it.  I know the minute I feel the wind in my hair, the music in my ears, and the chill of the air zip through my body - I'll be at peace. 

Peanut is still loving her new school.  She's starting to feel a little more comfortable - and even dressed up for Spirit Day yesterday.  Once we get in the car to drive home, her mouth is running 100mph trying to tell me every detail of her day. 

It takes me back to the days I first moved to America and started school. 

For the first few weeks, I barely said a word at school.  Most of it had to do with the fact that I had an accent, and I didn't want people making fun of me.  Anywho, after not talking all day - by the time I got home, I just couldn't shut up.  I talked my parents ears off from the moment I walked in the door to the time I went to bed.

Now I know how they felt.  Apparently, Peanut still isn't talking much at school.

I listen, though.  Cause that's what good mothers do.  Her excitement and enthusiasm are contagious - and no matter how tiring my day was, she can perk me up. 

OK, it's that time.  Time for me to say my goodbyes.  So long, farewell my friends.  Keep Butter and I in your thoughts today, won't ya?

Everyone have a great Thursday!!

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor - Week 3

Greetings from Exile Island!!

Up until Monday, the weather was beautiful!! Then a freak storm rolled in Monday night, bringing with it cold temperatures.  Definitely not bathing suit weather, anymore.  Not that I've been prancing around in a bathing suit, or anything. 

My move to Exile Island hasn't really been much of a transition.  In fact, I kinda feel more comfortable here.  Not that I don't like being on a team - but here on Exile...I feel more independent.  No one is counting on me to pull good numbers to save them.  It's a lot less stressful, that's for sure. 

There's actually quite a few people here with me, but I've been bad about being a loner.  I haven't reached out to anyone here like I planned on.  It's something I'm putting on my to-do list this week.

Alright, so enough of the vacay recap... you want to see numbers, am I right?

Well, I had a few dirty confessions yesterday.  One of them being that I hadn't stepped on a scale since last week.  I weighed in yesterday for a different weight loss challenge - but I couldn't really go with that number... because I had my clothes on, and I'd drunk about a pot of coffee before stepping on the scale.

So without further a do, I present to you the number for this week:

I know it's kinda hard to see... but if your eyes are playing tricks on you....yes, you see 231lbs.

I started this challenge at 233.4lbs just three weeks ago.  Then I lost 2.4lbs my first week.  Then gained 1.6lbs last week, putting me back up to 232.6lbs.  I'm happy to be back down to the 231...I'll be so much happier when I'm back into the 2-twenties.

This week's loss is all thanks to portion control.  I didn't log any miles for the fitness challenge.  I've already told you that I did some serious cleaning this weekend... but I can't count that.  I'm getting caught in situations where I can't actually count the "exercise" I feel like I'm doing.  That's something else I need to add to my to-do list.

The other mini-challenge was to eat at least one green veggie with at least one meal a day.  I failed big time at that one.  I think there has been some green on my plate maybe once or twice.  Eating more veg is definitely something I have to work harder on....I like vegetables, so I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to eat them.  The rest of my family could really benefit from some more color on their plates, that's for sure.

In all honesty, I was pretty nervous about the weigh-in this morning.  I wasn't..up until yesterday - then I had a really stressful day yesterday.  Days like that always make me doubt myself and messing with my head.  Thankfully, I didn't jump into a bag of anything to calm my nerves - so I deserve a freakin' medal for that. 

I was so stressed out.  I barely slept last night.  I went to bed at 10, and tossed and turned for an hour.  I got up for a little while, started to get sleepy around 11:30, and went back to bed.  That's where I continued to toss and turn until 1am.  That was the last time I looked at my clock - until 2:23.  Then I was awake again for a while....until finally looking at the clock at 3:42...knowing my alarm was going to go off 18 minutes later.  I hit the snooze button continuously until 4:45.

Right now, I don't feel tired.  I'm sure that feeling will change in a few hours.

I'm not going to go into too much detail about why I'm so stressed...except to say it has something to do with work, and rumors, and drama.  The latter two being things I despise.

As I was laying in bed last night, I just couldn't shake this feeling that I'm not a likable person - and that I cause people to say nasty or untrue things about me.  Maybe it's my personality.  Maybe it's my dedication - which is often portrayed as "sucking up".  Maybe it's because I come off too strong, too desperate in my attempt to secure friendships with people.  Maybe it's because I say things in a way that people take differently...and everything gets misconstrued...and I'm the one left feeling like it's all my fault - and I should just learn to keep my mouth shut about anything and everything.

I know that a counselor would have a field day with my head.  I'm always second guessing myself, doubting myself...and I wonder why I weigh 231lbs.  Geez.

The sad thing is, silly little things like rumors and gossip is devastating to me.  Especially when I feel like it has the chance of ruining my future.  While I don't feel that there was intentional "foul play" involved - I feel like nobody realizes the potential harm that can be done to me, or the chance of me fulfilling my future dreams.  Or at least that's what I feel in my mind.

Stuff like this, I just can't shake off.  It takes time for me to heal.  I end up starting over....or turning in to a recluse from fear and not being able to trust anyone.  I hate feeling like that.  It ends up having devastating effects on my self esteem, and eventually my weight.

While I can't simply shake off what happened to me yesterday - I am going to devote all of my effort on not allowing it to affect my weight...once again.  I'm going to focus on just doing my job, and if I would actually get myself out to a track - I know that a good run would help me feel better.  That's the route I want to take.  I want to use this bad situation and put some good into it.  If I can deal with this type of stress in a positive way...maybe, just maybe I can break the cycle.  Keep that hope in your head for me, will ya?

Tomorrow, I'll share what's in store for me and the challenge this upcoming week.  Right now, I need to get ready for work.

Everyone have a great Wednesday. 

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor - Week Two Check-In

I will admit right now, I have NOT been looking forward to this day.  I know with everything in my heart that in less than 24 hours, I will receive the news that I'm off to Exile Island.  I can almost hear that woman from the game show Weakest Link "You are the weakest link, goodbye!"

It's not a surprise I have had a terrible week.  I shared it all with you yesterday.  There has been mindless eating and zero exercise.  I did manage to stay up with the 7 hours of sleep a night...for the most part.  The playing cards until 3am Saturday night messed with that a little...but every other night I got in what I needed.

Yesterday, I told you that when I stood on the scale Monday morning I almost cried.  I had gained back all of the weight I'd lost the previous week and then some.  The scale said 234.5lbs.  I was mortified.  Did I go out that day and run like crazy to burn off some calories?  Nope.  I did drink plenty of water and eat better, though.

So, this morning when I stepped on the scale - I knew there was going to be a gain.  I expected it.  I knew it was going to be there.  I was ready for it.  When the numbers appeared - I almost cried, again.  Although this time, for a different reason.

Last week, I weighed in at 231lbs.  That was a 2.4lb lost since the week before.  This morning, this is what I saw...

Yep, it's a gain...but I knew that was going to happen.  It's a gain of 1.6lbs.  Even though I'm never happy about a gain - I'm thrilled that it's not the 234.5 I saw just two mornings ago. 

I have zero fitness minutes for this week - that's bad.  Despite that I feel like I've been running my butt off, I haven't actually devoted myself to "exercising" and that's all I can count towards the fitness minutes challenge.  I know, though, that the amount of walking I do every day has some effect on that number I saw this morning.  If I hadn't been so busy the past two days and walking up and down hallways at school - I know that I would be reporting a 3.5lb gain today.

So, like I said, I'm pretty sure I'm off to Exile Island this week.  Only the 2nd week in - but I'm not terribly disappointed about it.  At the end of the day, it's just a game, and the fact that I'm still allowed to play - even though I had a terrible week - is a plus.  No, I can't win the grand prize or be declared the Ultimate Shrinkvivor... but in all honesty, I never really saw me having a chance at that anyway. 

This week has been bad.  I've got some stressful stuff going on - that I will share with you tomorrow.  I did what I've been trying not to do for years...emotionally eat.  I've also felt something this week that I haven't really worried about too much in a while.  Seeing that gain Monday morning was awful.  I felt awful. 

For the past several months, I've been watching the scale slowly moving up.  It's bothered me a little - but I continued doing what I was doing.  I complained, I whined - but the truth of the matter was, it wasn't effecting me enough to really do much about it.  Monday morning I felt panic, I felt distress...I felt failure.  Even though these aren't good feelings, in a way - they are.  Knowing that I have the fire to still care that much is a slight win in the midst of a bad situation.

When I saw the 232.6 this morning - I was happy and sad all at once.  I had gained weight - but not as much as I had expected.  I swore to myself when I started this challenge that I never wanted to see 233lbs again...well, I can still hang on to that hope for another week.

This next week, the fitness challenge is changing a little.  Instead of logging exercise minutes, we're logging exercise miles.  This makes me nervous, because I'm not one to get in high mileage with my work-outs (when I work-out).  Maybe if I can focus on getting a mile in a couple of times this week - and maybe a 3 miler this weekend... I could pull a some-what decent number.  I don't feel as much pressure being that I'm going to be headed to Exile Island - but I still want to do what I can.

On top of the fitness challenge, the mini-challenge for the week is to Go Green.  Not recycling - eating.  I have to try and eat something green with at least one meal.  This makes me a little nervous - because not many of the veggies I eat are green.  I eat a lot of cauliflower.  Maybe it's going to mean replacing the cauliflower with broccoli or steaming some green beans with each meal...that's pretty easy, right?

Alright, I'm off to check in.  Everyone have a great Wednesday!!


Till next time. ;)

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No Exile Island For Me!!

Last night was the first Tribal Council for the Shrinkvivor Challenge.  The council was done all official like.  A Vlog gave the official announcements, and Lissa made sure the whole ceremony was very authentic.  There was Tiki torches, a treasure chest for votes, and even a torch snuffing at the end.  I almost felt like I was involved with the real TV show!!

I'm happy to report that I made it through the first round of voting....I'm not going to Exile Island!!

We did lose a member of our team - and that makes me sad.  We were already down 2 members, because they didn't check in the first week.  If the team doesn't vote on a player - then the person with the lowest percentage of weight loss gets voted off.  I'm not sure if that's what happened - the votes are confidential - but it's never fun to lose a team member, no matter how early we are in to the game.  So, now, we are a tribe of 4.

Seeing the results made me realize that I really have to up the ante this week - to at least make sure that I don't have the lowest percentage of weight loss next weigh in.

To help with my Shrinking, I started a Biggest Loser competition at work yesterday.  It's the same kind of competition I competed in (and didn't win) last year during my internship.  The competition is going from next Tuesday through the day before Thanksgiving.

The hope is to win that competition to help me earn a few extra bucks for Christmas AND to help keep me focused for Shrinkvivor. 

I will admit, I'm nervous.  I have some form of curse associated with weight loss challenges and competitions.  I start out doing really well - but then start to fizzle out a few weeks in.  I can't let that happen this time...my kids' Christmas AND my closet depend on it.

I didn't walk yesterday or Wednesday during recess.  That has a lot to do with the fact that I was running all over the school both days for testing - and my schedule was all out of whack.  I got plenty of walking in, but being that the rules of Shrinkvivor state it has to be "actual exercise", I'm not counting any it.  I want to play fair - so all that extra running around is out.

I'm running the idea through my head to try and get in 30 minutes of jogging after school on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  The Wednesday is a big maybe.  I have after school stuff on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.  Tuesday and Thursday I have to rush off to pick up Jelly.  Wednesday, Hubby picks up Jelly - so that gives me a pass on how late I can be home... I won't be done with book club until 4:45, though...so I'm going to have to see how I feel.

I figure that being that I'm not picking Jelly up until 4:15 on Tuesday and Thursday - I can do the same on Monday...and jog for the extra time.  Until Butter is out of the hospital, the Friday jogs will have to wait... but he should be out any day now.  HOORAY!!

I know I'm doing a lot of rambling today.  I'm sorry.

I'm picking Butter up from the hospital this afternoon for a weekend visit, my family is coming for the weekend, and I'm just a little on the stressed side.  Nothing bad - just overwhelmed.  So much going on - and it's hard to keep a straight mind. 

I've been so busy, I haven't even gotten my new purse out of the store bag yet...gasp!!  I was going to post a picture today - but I guess that will have to wait.

If you know anything about me at all - you know that a new purse is usually in use before I even step in the front door from buying it.  This week, however, I've just had too much going on.  I bought the purse, it was put in the shopping bag, the shopping bag is still sitting in my kitchen.  It's purse injustice, I know... but this weekend I'll get it all decked out ready to use Monday.

Alright, enough rambling from me.  Everyone have a great Friday.  I'm off to go read a few blogs... because I'm so behind it's not even funny.

Till next time. ;)

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Shrinkvivor - Week One Results

I made it through the first week, but my fate is yet to be determined.  Did I do enough to stay in the game?  Will I get voted off to Exile Island?  Won't know that until tomorrow... but I do know I can share what I have done.

It's been a pretty decent week.  Last week, I said that I was going to try and get in 15 minutes of exercise each day.  I did that, with the exception of Sunday and Monday.  I've been eating pretty decently.  I've been drinking water.  I've been doing what I said I was going to do.

Did it pay off, though?

There's always that fluttering of the heart when I step on the scale.  Regardless of what I've seen all week since the first check-in....today is all that matters.  It's not uncommon at all to see some form of loss during the week, and then I step on the scale Wednesday morning and BAM either a gain or it's the same.

Was today any different?

Let's see shall we.  Keeping up with other things I said I'll do - I'm taking pictures of what the scale says each week...to keep myself accountable.

OH YEAH!!  You see that??  231lbs!!

My starting weight for this challenge was 233.4lbs.  That was last week.  This week, I sit pretty at 231lbs...meaning I've lost 2.4lbs this week!!

I am very happy with that.

It goes to show how much I can do by just making healthier food choices and spending 15 minutes a day exercising.  I didn't do anything crazy.  I didn't starve myself.  It was an easy start...and a nice easy pay off.  I managed to pull 65 minutes for the Fitness Challenge...not too shabby, I don't think anyway.

What makes me even happier is the fact that I kept my cool all week.  I wasn't perfect.  Eating breakfast at Golden Corral, candy corn, and kettle corn are some of my "not so good" choices for the week - yet I still pulled a number I can be happy about.  I didn't get all stressed out.  I didn't feel like I was failing.  I kept a level head, and went about my business as soon as my temptation partaking was over.

Something else I've noticed?  For the past couple of days, I haven't fallen asleep on the couch in the evenings.  Just upping my activity level a minuet amount, I've seen a change in my energy level.  Almost every evening for - well, since starting my new job, I've found that I can't stay awake by 8pm.  Most nights, I was passed out on the couch between 7 and 8pm.  For the past few nights?  I've been awake until about 9:30-10pm...and taking myself to bed.  I've also been waking up feeling refreshed and ready for the day.

Things are getting a little crazier at work.  Three nights a week, I'm involved in after school activities.  I'm going to try and keep up with walking at recess time - that gives me 15 minutes of walking a day.  I'm going to have to up the ante a little more this weekend...which will be a challenge, being that my parents are coming to stay for the whole weekend.

I figure if I can just get out for 30 minutes Saturday and Sunday morning - I'll be doing a little better than I did this week.

So, there you have it for my first Shrinkvivor Check-In.  I sure hope that the remaining weeks will bring me numbers of the same caliber.  If I lose 2lbs a week for the rest of the competition, I'll have lost 16lbs by the time it's all said and done - and that would be FANTASTIC!!

Alright - time for me to get ready for work.  Happy Shrinking, Everyone!

Till next time. ;)

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I Think I Can, I Know I Can, I Will, and I Won't

Yesterday, I told you about the Shrinkvivor challenge that I'm doing.  I told you all about the challenge, but never really explained what I hope to gain from the challenge....or my plans for the challenge.

Of course, it's obvious I want to lose weight.  Losing weight is the top priority... but there are other important factors that come in to play.  Setting goals always scares me.  If feels like once I type out the words, some evil force takes over that does something to me.  It's almost like a self sabotage demon.  I say I'll do one thing, evil demon proves that I'll do the complete opposite.  Don't worry, no priests or exorcisms will be needed... I don't think, anyway.

Instead of writing out all of my goals.  I'm going to try a different format.  I'm going to lay my goals out by categorizing them into things I think I can accomplish, things I know I can if I put my mind to it, and then the things I will definitely do to push myself into the right direction.  I'm also going to lay out things I won't do...to hopefully help keep the sabotage demon at bay.

I think I can....lose 20lbs during this challenge.  I know, that's a steep number to pull off in 7 weeks.  It's almost 3lbs a week.  I have been able to gain 3lbs in a week - pretty darned easily, I might add - but taking it off will be much harder.  It's going to take a lot of work...but I think I can do it.  Losing 20lbs will put me back to just over 210lbs.  That's where I want to be...because that's where I was when I was the weight loss warrior. 

I think I can.... find a way to get in at least 15 minutes of exercise each day.  That's a very low number to shoot for - but it's for those days when I feel like I have so much on my plate, the last thing I want to do is exercise.  If I can just find something to do for 15 minutes - like some Yoga, or a quick EA Active Trainer session... I should be able to get on track.

I know I can... get my butt to the track at least twice a week.  On Saturdays and Sundays there's not a single reason why I can't get myself to the track and get some serious minutes logged for the fitness challenge.  Again, I'm keeping the number low.  There's not really any reason I can't go out to run or walk more than that... but by setting my goals low, it only leaves room to beat my goals.  I have a lot of stuff going on at work.  I'm going to be coaching Quiz Bowl on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school, and I'm involved in a book study that happens on Wednesdays after school.  So, that's three days out of the week that I won't be finishing work until after 4pm.  Doesn't mean I can't run on those days - but the chances that I'm going to have the motivation (in the beginning anyway) to run after such a long day is slim.  I'm not going to set myself up for failure.

I know I can... make healthy eating choices without counting and logging everything I eat.  Even though this is breaking the number one rule of weight loss... I've proven to myself that I can do it.  The majority of my weight loss came while I was conscious about what I was eating, sticking to eating three meals a day with one or two snacks, and not logging or counting a single calorie while I did it.  When I was logging everything, I often got frustrated.  It was a hassle trying to remember everything I ate if I logged once a day, and it was an even bigger hassle to try and log everything right after I ate.  Wait.  When I say I don't count or log calories - I mean I don't put it all down on paper (or into a fancy online spreadsheet).  Before I eat anything, I check the nutritional information.  I set a calorie goal for each meal, and prepare foods that fall in that calorie range.  I just don't write it all down.  That make sense?  Not really?  Oh, well - I know what I'm talking about.

I will....drink lots of water.  No brainer, right?  While the first rule of losing weight is logging everything you eat - which I'm breaking - the second rule is to drink lots of water.  This rule I'm going to obey.  In fact, I've been doing that for a while, now.  I'm still not drinking as much as I should - but I've been getting in about 40ozs of water each day....thanks to the awesome water machine at work.  Yep, in the break room at work there is a crushed ice dispenser that also gives out cold, filtered water.  How awesome is that?  It's free to drink water - and free is always good in my book.  My goal is to drink a cup of coffee during my first class - and then drink a glass of water for each class after.  I have six classes a day, two breaks, and lunch.  I should be able to get in 64ozs of water pretty easily...if not a lot more.

I will....pack my breakfast and lunch each and every day to take to work.  Again, this is something I've been doing - so there's no real work involved with making this happen.  Being on a tight budget has had it's benefits.  I am buying and preparing my lunch at home to bring to work - so no fast food or cafeteria food for me!  Some days I bring leftovers, some days I bring frozen Healthy Choice meals.  I have been buying the frozen meals that are low on sodium, and low on additives.  There are so many "clean" options now, that it's pretty easy to find something healthy to take for lunch.  I'm also making sure that I take some form of fruit to eat either at lunch or for a snack.  My work breakfast has been the same since I was interning - a Greek yogurt and some form of fiber filled granola bar. 

I won't....be too hard on myself.  This is probably one of my biggest set backs.  Anytime I fall into a moment, or hour, or day, or week, or month of weakness - I dwell on it forever.  Then, once the dwelling begins, it's a constant downward spiral - as I've made apparent these past few months.  The key will be locking set backs down to moments - maybe days - but that's it.  If  I do have a bad moment (or day), I will just have to remind myself that I just start over the minute the moment has passed - and let it go.  Even though I have full intentions of taking this challenge very seriously, I just have to remember that not every day will be perfect.  I also know from experience that there may be weeks that I've put in a great effort, but the scale refuses to show that effort.  I just have to keep in mind that it will - as long as I stay positive and keep pushing myself.

I won't....make excuses.  A little over a year ago, I was the Queen of No Excuses.  This year?  I've been the Queen of Making Excuses.  Every single time I did something I wasn't proud of, I came up with a great excuse.  I can't find a job.  I'm stressed out.  I don't have time.  Wah, Wah, Wah.  Excuse after excuse.  It is now one of my goals to go back to No Excuses.  If I mess up - I must take responsibility, and learn from it.

I think I can do well in this challenge.
I know I can give it my best shot - and regardless of the outcome, keep fighting.
I will support others involved in this challenge.
I won't give up - quitting is not an option.

Till next time. ;)

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Heading Off to Shrinkvivor Island

OK, so I'm not actually going anywhere.  No deserted islands, no ocean-front camp site, no cameras following my every move, no rationed portions of rice....although rationed rice would probably be a huge benefit.

The day has finally arrived.  It's probably the closest I'll ever get to being a part of a reality show.  Today marks the kick off of the Shrinkvivor Challenge hosted by The Sisterhood. 

Each week, I will be competing with a team to lose weight, and trying not to get voted off by doing challenges.  This is very nerve wracking to me, because...well.... I don't like to lose, and I especially don't like being voted off of anything. 

I am on the Bronze team with six other ladies.  Just like the real Survivor, I don't know these women.  I don't think I've even corresponded with any of them before all of this.  We are complete strangers coming together to do what we can.

We vote each week to cast off a team member.  This part will be hard for me.  The only way this is avoided is by a) my team winning the immunity idol or b) someone not checking in one week - which automatically gets that person disqualified from the competition.

If I get voted off, I immediately go to Exile Island, which is where the castoffs get a chance to form their own tribe and show the original tribes what they missed out on. 

As a part of the challenge, I have to take pictures of my beginning and ending weight.... but I figure, it would be a good idea to take a picture each week of my weight... you know, to hold myself accountable and all that.

So, I'm not proud to show this picture... but I know that this is day 1 and that it's up to me to make this number change significantly - go down...that's the only significant change I want.

I will be back to doing my weigh-in on Wednesday.  Each week, I will post the updated picture.  I will also be keeping a running record on the Challenges Page of the blog.

The fitness challenge each week - that has the potential of getting my team the Immunity Idol - is to record the number of minutes of exercise completed.  Actual exercise is counted - walking, jogging, cardio, strength training, etc.  Walking from the car to the building, walking around the school, and hauling groceries doesn't count... dang it!!

The only way that I have a real shot at being a competitor -compared to some of the mighty athletes participating - is to walk/jog/run every day for at least 45 minutes.  That would give me a nice amount of fitness minutes each week.....and that's not even thinking about the amount of calories I'll burn.  I'll be using my Running Log to keep track of the minutes and miles each week.

I really hope that this is the swift kick up the rear that I've been needing for a while.  I've mentally told myself that being on the pill had a lot to do with my weight gain.  Now the pill is gone.  If I'm right, then I should be able to do well in this challenge.  Even if the pill wasn't the blame - I've told myself it was...and it's mind over matter... I want to prove myself right, right?

You want to know something funny?  I don't even know what the prizes are for this challenge.  I don't even care, really.  It's not about what I can win - but what I can lose.  I need motivation.  I need support.  I need victory.  This challenge has the potential of giving this all to me - and that will be what I win, if I can pull it off.

So, here goes.  Wish me luck.  Having your support is a big deal for me - I know I've let you down countless times over these past few months... but I have a real chance of redeeming myself here. 

Let the Shrinking Begin!!

Till next time. ;)

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Gonna Dabble in Reality TV...Urm Reality Internet

It's no secret that when it comes to online weight loss challenges, I suck at them. 

Seriously, I get all pumped up, might do well the first week or two, and then the excitement slowly starts to deflate out of me like air out of a balloon.  I even make the same wheezy, farting noises.

So, knowing that, it took me a little while to decide about joining yet another online challenge - all of 3.2 seconds.

Can I say that this time is going to be different?  I can, but does it really mean anything?  Not really - I'm going to have to prove myself....and what better way to do it than to play an online version of Survivor!!

The Sisterhood is hosting this fantastic challenge.  It's called Shrinkvivor - duh, you can see that from the pic right?

It's just like the show, except no living in the wilderness, no living in a house made of bamboo, no walking around in the same bikini for weeks on end, and no having to go to the bathroom in a bush while a bunch of strangers are a stone's throw away.

I know - you're wondering where the fun is without all of that.  Am I right?

There will be teams of 7 people.  There will be team challenges.  There will be a tribal council each week.  There will be eliminations each week - yikes! 

It's going to mean doing my part, or getting kicked off my team....and everyone knows that I don't like to be exiled.  Although, if I do get eliminated because of some alliance or strategy - or just because I'm not pulling the numbers I should be....then I get a small redemption.  If I get voted off, I go to Exile Island.

Exile Island is the place where the outcasts go, and then work together as a team to make up for their slacking and still be a part of the game.

Even though Exiled players can't win the grand prize - there's still a chance for a prize.... an exiled player prize.

I'm nervous about this challenge, because I just know it's going to involve hard-core mini challenges each week.  Knowing the Sisterhood, it can be anything as easy as walking for 30 minutes to spending 90 minutes doing push-ups.  They know how to push people, and I know it's not going to be a walk in the park.

I've been hiding under a rock from my Sisters, ever since removing myself from the last challenge.  It was terrible.  I hated quitting - but I just didn't have my head or my heart in the game.

I can't say that all of that's behind me.  I'm struggling - big time.  I have been for a while... but I need something to push me in the right direction.  I need the fear of knowing that people could vote me out of the game...even though it's just a game, that's a big deal to me.

The challenge starts on September 28th and it lasts for 7 weeks. 

I want to start getting my mind in the right place before then, so I'm going to see how things go between now and the start day.  Maybe I could lose a few pounds just to pump myself up.  That would be nice, right?

The way I look at it is, it can't hurt to try.

I've got a lot of weight to lose.  I could be a big asset to a team...or I could be a big threat. 

I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  OK, I can admit it - I'm a little scared.  Not really about the challenge, but about failing...once again. 

I'm in a downward spiral of F-A-I-L that has been holding on to me, refusing to let me out of it's clutches.  Do I have the power inside of me to pick myself up, and work my ass of at this?

I tell you what, after - once again - squeezing in to a pair of pants this morning.... I felt the fire burning inside of me.  I'm losing the battle with my closet - and it's really pissing me off.  I refuse to buy clothes in bigger sizes...especially after giving away a bunch of clothes this time last year.

I gave those size 20, 22, and 24 pants away for a reason - so I'd never be able to put them on again.  I'll be damned if I go out and buy some.  Luckily for me, I still have a couple pairs of size 18s that are holding me over right now... but all of my size 16s that I love - and miss dearly - are calling my name.  They want my butt back - literally.  They are feeling cold and lonely and rejected in my dark closet.

As much as I miss them, I'm ready for them to be a fleeting memory.  It will be nice to get back into them - but then I want to say adios to them...quickly.  But that's getting a head of myself....one step at a time.  Right now, the main objective is to get back into them....comfortably. 

So - has anything I said interested you in maybe giving Shrinkvivor a chance?  Think you might need a kick up the rear?  Have you always wanted to try Survivor out - but want to do it from the comfort of your home?  Then check it out!!!

Registration is only open this week - and then no more participants will be accepted.  It's now or never.  Come on, you know you want to.

To sign up, or learn more about it, click HERE.

Till next time. ;)

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