Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Shrinkvivor - Week 3

Greetings from Exile Island!!

Up until Monday, the weather was beautiful!! Then a freak storm rolled in Monday night, bringing with it cold temperatures.  Definitely not bathing suit weather, anymore.  Not that I've been prancing around in a bathing suit, or anything. 

My move to Exile Island hasn't really been much of a transition.  In fact, I kinda feel more comfortable here.  Not that I don't like being on a team - but here on Exile...I feel more independent.  No one is counting on me to pull good numbers to save them.  It's a lot less stressful, that's for sure. 

There's actually quite a few people here with me, but I've been bad about being a loner.  I haven't reached out to anyone here like I planned on.  It's something I'm putting on my to-do list this week.

Alright, so enough of the vacay recap... you want to see numbers, am I right?

Well, I had a few dirty confessions yesterday.  One of them being that I hadn't stepped on a scale since last week.  I weighed in yesterday for a different weight loss challenge - but I couldn't really go with that number... because I had my clothes on, and I'd drunk about a pot of coffee before stepping on the scale.

So without further a do, I present to you the number for this week:

I know it's kinda hard to see... but if your eyes are playing tricks on you....yes, you see 231lbs.

I started this challenge at 233.4lbs just three weeks ago.  Then I lost 2.4lbs my first week.  Then gained 1.6lbs last week, putting me back up to 232.6lbs.  I'm happy to be back down to the 231...I'll be so much happier when I'm back into the 2-twenties.

This week's loss is all thanks to portion control.  I didn't log any miles for the fitness challenge.  I've already told you that I did some serious cleaning this weekend... but I can't count that.  I'm getting caught in situations where I can't actually count the "exercise" I feel like I'm doing.  That's something else I need to add to my to-do list.

The other mini-challenge was to eat at least one green veggie with at least one meal a day.  I failed big time at that one.  I think there has been some green on my plate maybe once or twice.  Eating more veg is definitely something I have to work harder on....I like vegetables, so I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to eat them.  The rest of my family could really benefit from some more color on their plates, that's for sure.

In all honesty, I was pretty nervous about the weigh-in this morning.  I wasn't..up until yesterday - then I had a really stressful day yesterday.  Days like that always make me doubt myself and messing with my head.  Thankfully, I didn't jump into a bag of anything to calm my nerves - so I deserve a freakin' medal for that. 

I was so stressed out.  I barely slept last night.  I went to bed at 10, and tossed and turned for an hour.  I got up for a little while, started to get sleepy around 11:30, and went back to bed.  That's where I continued to toss and turn until 1am.  That was the last time I looked at my clock - until 2:23.  Then I was awake again for a while....until finally looking at the clock at 3:42...knowing my alarm was going to go off 18 minutes later.  I hit the snooze button continuously until 4:45.

Right now, I don't feel tired.  I'm sure that feeling will change in a few hours.

I'm not going to go into too much detail about why I'm so stressed...except to say it has something to do with work, and rumors, and drama.  The latter two being things I despise.

As I was laying in bed last night, I just couldn't shake this feeling that I'm not a likable person - and that I cause people to say nasty or untrue things about me.  Maybe it's my personality.  Maybe it's my dedication - which is often portrayed as "sucking up".  Maybe it's because I come off too strong, too desperate in my attempt to secure friendships with people.  Maybe it's because I say things in a way that people take differently...and everything gets misconstrued...and I'm the one left feeling like it's all my fault - and I should just learn to keep my mouth shut about anything and everything.

I know that a counselor would have a field day with my head.  I'm always second guessing myself, doubting myself...and I wonder why I weigh 231lbs.  Geez.

The sad thing is, silly little things like rumors and gossip is devastating to me.  Especially when I feel like it has the chance of ruining my future.  While I don't feel that there was intentional "foul play" involved - I feel like nobody realizes the potential harm that can be done to me, or the chance of me fulfilling my future dreams.  Or at least that's what I feel in my mind.

Stuff like this, I just can't shake off.  It takes time for me to heal.  I end up starting over....or turning in to a recluse from fear and not being able to trust anyone.  I hate feeling like that.  It ends up having devastating effects on my self esteem, and eventually my weight.

While I can't simply shake off what happened to me yesterday - I am going to devote all of my effort on not allowing it to affect my weight...once again.  I'm going to focus on just doing my job, and if I would actually get myself out to a track - I know that a good run would help me feel better.  That's the route I want to take.  I want to use this bad situation and put some good into it.  If I can deal with this type of stress in a positive way...maybe, just maybe I can break the cycle.  Keep that hope in your head for me, will ya?

Tomorrow, I'll share what's in store for me and the challenge this upcoming week.  Right now, I need to get ready for work.

Everyone have a great Wednesday. 

Till next time. ;)
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  1. Good job! I'm going back to tracking what I'm eating. I just can't seem to lose with just eyeballing my portions. I have a big eyeball obviously!


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