Tuesday, October 11, 2011

True Confessions of a Mad, Fat Woman

For the first time in many, many months - I would seriously rather run around my town naked before spilling my guts for this week's confessions.  It's been a bad week.  Make that terrible week.  I know with every fiber of my being that I'm off to Exile Island tomorrow...and it's all my fault.

I confess that...I'm only two weeks into the Shrinkvivor challenge, and it has been one of my worst weeks in months.

I confess that...even though I ate well before the weekend, I didn't walk or work-out for a single minute last Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday....or all weekend for that matter.

I confess that...this weekend I ate Golden Coral ONCE again.  This time for lunch.  I started with a salad, had a small plate of food to follow - and then another small plate and three rolls with honey butter and then a piece of pecan pie.  I left feeling over full and miserable.  I haven't over eaten that bad in so long...and I have no idea why I did it.  Of course, I regretted it as soon as it was over... but it was too late.

I confess that...I snacked A LOT over the weekend:  Chips, candy corn, peanuts, cookies, ice-cream.  I was a crap eating fool.  Again, I don't know why.  I still have this warped, messed up perspective that spending time with family means there should be plenty of eating. 

I confess that...when I stood on the scale yesterday morning I could have cried.  I almost did.  I remembered how great I felt last week when I recorded a 2.4lb lost and then cursed myself for destroying it....and then some.  In a matter of a weekend, I threw all of the hard work away from the week before... it sucks.

I confess that...I'm struggling with coming up with a game plan to control my binges, and get in some exercise.  Being that I'm trying to do what I can to secure a teaching job next year - and because it's very important to me to be involved with my school... I've spread myself a little thin.  Every day after school I'm supervising an after school class, and three nights a week I'm doing extra curricular clubs on top of it.

I confess that...by the time my work day is over, I'm exhausted - and I just can't find the motivation to get moving or work out.

I confess that...as I sit here typing all of this I feel like I've been punched in the stomach.  Seeing my self sabotage in black and white is haunting...and it makes me angry.  I feel like I'm stuck in a prison cell of weight gain...and just when I think I've found a way to start chipping away at the walls, I see that there's no light coming from the hole...it's just another cell on the other side.

I confess that...I woke up yesterday morning seriously considering just throwing in the towel.  I keep putting myself into this situation of feeling failure and heartache - just to get into smaller pants and feel better about myself.  Is there anything wrong with being overweight?  Am I happier just not worrying about it?

I confess that...after receiving a phone call last night - I changed my mind about throwing in the towel.  A girl that interned for a while with me last year passed away this past weekend.  Even though I have no idea how or why - I know that she was extremely overweight.  She was not much older than I am.  Even though  I didn't know her very well - my heart breaks for her family and her two young children.  I don't know the cause of death - but it sent a shock wave through my system.... I just can't give up.

I confess that...regardless of what the scale says tomorrow morning or whether I'm off to Exile Island - I can't focus on any of it.  I just have to stop doing what I'm doing.  Easier said than done... but doable.

I confess that...I'm scared.  It's been a long time since I've been in this dark of a place where I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel... but I know that no matter how long the tunnel is...there's light at the end, somewhere.

I confess that...I'm tired of confessing about my failures...I'm making it a mission to have some positive confessions next week.

Till next time. ;)

Created by MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter


    You are amazingly brave for being so open. I think you should absolutely count that as a victory.
    I've always struggled with binging and especially secretive eating/binging. I think that just being open, honest, and real about what we're eating is a huge step in the right direction.
    We've all been there, been discouraged, tempted to quit. But you can't quit, you can't quit you.
    Again, HUGS. It'll get better.

  2. Try not to be too hard on yourself! I know it is frustrating, but I am amazed at the courage it took to confess all of this on your blog! Keep your head up and jump right back in!!

  3. We could be teammates again real soon!! I'm struggling with this challenge and the sad part is this is the challenge that started my weight loss last year. I was excited to be doing Shrinkvivor last year and this year I am so hum ho about it. I want that excitment I felt last year back.

  4. Wow, your weekend sounded like mine, food-wise. Good for you for writing about it and moving forward. Take care.

  5. Oh babe...what about looking into a medical tool to help you? I follow a million bloggers with lap bands or sleeves or GB surgery and it's a lifesaver. Now let me say I have no idea how much you weigh or how much you have to lose BUT I know it's never easy and I wish it was one less thing you had to worry about every day. I'm not insulting you - I'm just saying if I couldn't have done it on my own you can bet your ass I would have gotten medical help. Just a thought. I just want to help and you so sound so frustrated and it makes me sad.


Tell me what's on your mind - I love to hear from you!