In the past few days, I've read some interesting posts about self-worth, the labels associated with over-weight people, and the feelings associated with being on a weight loss journey. They all got me thinking - hard - about the journey that I've been on for 18 months.
In December, 2010, I posted a year in review post. I outlined how I had managed to lose over 70lbs in a year - after losing 91lbs and then putting 21lbs back on. I did great from January - September... but then fell off the wagon and gained some weight back....a lot of weight. Going from 206lbs up to 227lbs in a matter of a few months.
January, 2011 started a new year...a time to refocus and recommit. On January 1st, I weighed 227lbs.
Yesterday, after over six months of "refocusing and recommitting", I recorded my weight at 217.6lbs. Meaning I've lost 9.4lbs in 6 months.
It's disheartening to see that in print in front of my eyes. Last year, I was losing 9lbs in a month.
So, what's the point? My point is, a few years ago - progress like this would have made me throw in the towel, admit defeat, give up. Why spend so much time and energy trying to lose weight if I lose less than 10lbs in 6 months?
But I haven't given up.
Last night, I watched Extreme Make Over: Weight Loss Edition. While I don't really care for that type of extreme weight loss...the contestant on last night's show said something in the beginning that really had me thinking. She mentioned having an addiction to food and said "When alcoholics give up alcohol, they stay away from it. You can't stay away from food when you're a food addict - you need it to survive"
At the end of the day, I am a food addict. It's something I've admitted from day one. Food addiction is just a real addiction as drug addiction or alcohol addiction... but there's no way to avoid food - to rid it from your life the way drug addicts and alcoholics can.
There is one thing, however, that they all share: Making the realization that "the bad stuff" just isn't worth it. I am worth more than poisoning my body, damaging my health, and affecting those I love the most.
When life is rough - I turn to my drug: food. I forget my self-worth, I just bury myself in getting a "quick fix" and making myself fell better... but then I don't feel better, I feel worse...and then I turn to food again....and it's a vicious, vicious cycle.
At the end of the day, I have had to realize that I can't let the scale or my moments of weakness define me... my efforts do. OK, I have bad days, weeks, and even months... but realizing that I can't give up, I have to sober up, and start over? That's winning the battle.
So, yeah, losing 9lbs in 6 months isn't the greatest success in the world. The fact that I'm sitting here still writing about not giving up...still committed to fighting and losing weight and getting healthy...that shows that I know I'm worth it.
I don't think I will ever be able to claim that I'm no longer a food addict. Food will always be a part of my life. I'm sure there will be many times as I continue on this journey that I will falter - I will do things I'm not proud of....I will binge. It's how I react after - that brings the success.
I have received many comments from people praising my "upbeat" attitude towards admitting things. Some people may say that I don't really care when I falter...and may be the cause of my slow progress.
To the people that support my attitude: Thank you.
To those that don't: It's not that I don't care. I've found that wallowing in self-pity is a clear shot road back to self destruction. I'm not perfect - and I've never claimed to be. I've had more than my fair share of "set backs"...and maybe I should "care" more about my set-backs...but what does that get me? Nothing. It's all about knowing how much I'm worth. My worth means leaving the mistakes in the past, focusing on the future, and becoming one hot, fit sexy mama....on my terms. Even if it takes years....I will get there. I will never give up.
Till next time. ;)
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