Starting the Home Stretch

Dear Diary...

Today is Monday.  A regular, ordinary Monday.  There's no special holiday or event taking place today... but today is special.  It's the last Monday of the 2011-2012 school year.  It's the last Monday I have to get up at 4:30am.  I'm hoping with all my might that today is also the last Monday of not being a teacher...but there's no certainty in that.

Yeppers.  This is the last week of school.  It's not really a week, though, because my last day is Thursday.  It seems unreal that there's only four days left...this year has gone by so fast.  I had hoped that I would have been offered a teaching job by now - but there's still plenty of time left.  I'm going to stay positive... I have to.

Yesterday wasn't exactly the perfect Mother's Day.  I think I have a sinus infection...or it's just my allergies being a total pain... but I felt really cruddy yesterday.  We started the day out by going for breakfast, and then we headed over to my parent's house.  While I was there, I started getting a really bad headache. It ended up cutting our visit short.  Then, we had to go to the grocery store to get something for dinner... and I just felt weak, in pain.  I was ready to get home.  I then slept for two hours.  I did feel a little better when I woke up - but the inside of my nose feels like it's been inflated to maximum capacity and could explode at any time. 

It's going to be a really busy week.  I have to think about clearing out my office at work - either ready to come back to next year, or because I won't be back next year.  I have to pack clothes ready to move to my mom's on Thursday for a month.  I have to clean my house - because it's only fair that I leave the house clean and not the tornado sight it is now.  And I also have to enjoy all the events and activities that are going on...I have to remember that this may be the last year at my school.  I'm praying that's not the case - but my future is so uncertain at this point, I just have to make sure all my ducks are in a row.

I have a queasy feeling in my stomach.  I'm not sure if it's because I'm nervous and excited about what this week may bring, or it's because of the head crud.  Whatever it is, I'm not sure I like the feeling.  My sleep last night was interrupted by all kinds of bad dreams.  I replayed the moments from last year when the realization hit that I wasn't getting a teaching job.  I had a dream, at one point, that I was standing in a room full of people I work with and people I went to school with and they were all laughing at me, pointing at me, and yelling "It's never going to happen".  I had a dream where I was in the principal's office - and for some reason my mother was there - and the principal told me I just wasn't cut out to be a teacher, and that it was time for me to move on to something else.  It was like my own horror movie marathon going on in my head. 

Regardless of what my subconscious decides to play in my head - I'm not listening!  I know it's just my inner demons trying to mess with me... but I won't let them win. 

One thing I do know is that I'm going to try with all my might to make this the last Monday where I whine about my job hunt.  I know I'm like a broken record repeating the same stuff over and over.  Unfortunately for people that enjoy reading my blog - I just have to blog about what's on my mind.  I wish I could say that I'm really focused on my weight loss efforts.. but that would be a lie, and you all know that's not how I roll.  But, I am hoping that once this week is over, I can start refocusing.  Getting back on track.  Remembering that this blog is supposed to be the chronicles of losing weight - not trying to find a job. 

For those of you that have stuck with me...and bless you for putting up with me....I need your prayers and thoughts this week.  I'm hoping that this is the week something is going to happen.  It sure would be nice to head out on summer break knowing what's in store for me next school year.  I have seen the power of prayer play out before my eyes.  Now... I'm ready to bring it home.  I'm ready to start this home stretch - and come out victorious.

Till next time . ;)

I'm a Child of the 80's

Dear Diary...

Today is another one of those fun days where I get to dress up and be all silly.  It's 80's Day.  A day where I can reminisce about Hammer pants, Neon, acid wash jeans, fingerless gloves, and Madonna.  And have every kid look at me and wonder what the heck I'm talking about.

I was born in 1982, so technically I don't remember too much about the 80's.  I was only 8 when the decade ended.  I do remember that at a ripe old age of 8 I LOVED Madonna, I owned a pair of Neon L.A.Gear decked out with 4 Neon colored shoe laces, and I wore puffy, leg warmer looking socks with everything. 

The pictures I have of myself before that time, I was always in some frilly neckline dress, plaid in color or velvet. Apparently, my mother had no sense of fashion in the early 80s.

Getting a chance to dress up like this is fun.  I would show you a picture of what I look like - but I haven't completed the ensemble just yet.  I still have hair and make-up to do...and anyone who lived through the 80s knows that the hair and make-up is just as important as the clothes I'm wearing. 

Trying to find something to wear wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be.  Then, I realized that the "trends" of today are very similar to the 80s.  Peanut is always wearing leggings under shorts, and she covers her arm in rubber bracelets.  She begged for me to make her a pair of fingerless gloves in the winter, and I just wished her bright pink and white high tops fit me.

I own a fluffy little skirt that I've never really found an occasion appropriate enough to wear.  It's a little on the short side... but with some leggings under it.. BAM - I'm going Madonna-ish.  I, then, found a shirt at Wal-Mart on clearance that has a wide V-neck.  Perfect for the off the shoulder look that was so big back in the 80s.  It's even a aqua green color.  I'm wearing a black tank-top under it.  I also found a pair of red sunglasses - that were really expensive, but marked down to $2.  I can see when I wear them, so I think they might be some form of reading sunglasses.  I'm borrowing Peanut's fingerless gloves and rubber bracelets...and I'm wearing a scarf in my hair tied in a bow.  Child of the 80s.  Now, if I only still owned my neon L.A. Gear.. I'd be all set.  I promise to take a picture when I'm all done and post it tomorrow.

Today is also, if you recall, the day of my interview.  Don't worry, I'm not going in my 80s garb...as amusing as that would be.  I'm taking my interview clothes to work with me - and hope that I can give myself a quick back to this time period make-over before it's time to go. 

I have the flitter flutter of butterflies in my stomach, but not near as bad as they were last week when I did the group interview thing.  I'm excited and hopeful.  My good buddy Jenn reminded me that I might as well get excited and hopeful, because not doing that wouldn't calm the blow that might come if I don't get the job..as much as I was trying to convince myself that it would.  I'm still in that sense of feeling that this week has all been part of a major plan for my life.. and this job could be what I've been waiting for all of this time.  I just hope and pray that I don't have to wait too long for an answer... this weekend is going to be bad enough, but waiting much longer is going to be excruciating. 

I bought a yearbook yesterday and I'm having all of my students sign it.  The official yearbook signing party is today - but I'll be heading out to my interview when that's going on, so I had to get a little head start.  I found myself getting a little choked up when a few asked me if I'd be working there next year.  I told them that I didn't know and that I was trying to get a teaching job in another school.  To hear their pleas for me not to leave was a swift reminder to me that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.  If I can be as tough as I am, and still have students that really like me - I'm doing something right. 

The funniest part came when the 5th graders - who are moving on to middle school next year - begged me not to leave.  Urm..they're leaving so it won't make much difference to them.  But the thoughts and gestures were so sweet.  I really am going to miss them. A lot.

As I go out today with the thought that today could be the day where my life completely changes...my life long dream may come true...I can also carry with me the fact that I have a great bunch of kiddos to work with next year if things just don't pan out the way I hope today.  The only reason I teach is for the kids.  So, regardless if I'm teaching next year in my own classroom, or I'm working with kids from all the different classes I work in now.. I'm still doing what I love to do each and every day. 

And for those of you who insist that I stay on topic of weight loss - One thing I do know for sure... I won't be the same person come August.  On the outside, anyway.  I'm gonna make some serious changes this summer... I'm finally going to take the horse by the reins and shed some serious pounds.  So whether I start off the next school year in completely new surroundings or I'm back where I am now... it will be a different year for me next year.

I was a child of the 80's.  I was a teen of the 90's.  I was a struggling young adult during the 00's.  But this decade?  I'm a teacher.


Till next time. ;)

Being In That Space Between Really Nervous and Really Excited

Dear Diary...

The next time you hear someone bashing fate, destiny, signs, or something along those lines - I'm now going to give you some ammunition to use against them.  M'kay? 

I have always been a believer in the above.  I've had my share of uncertainty in terms of religious beliefs.  I've doubted, I've cursed, I've questioned, I've judged.  One thing that has never left me is the ideal that everything happens for a reason, there is a master plan for me, and I have to look for certain signs along the path that is my life that will help guide me.

Well, do you remember what happened this weekend?  I doubted.  Again.  I was so mixed up in my thoughts and emotions that I actually doubted that I was on the right path.  I asked for a sign that would confirm what I needed to do...which lead to this post.  If that wasn't enough to sway my thoughts, I was sent someone else to help give me another little nudge.  A very simple prayer made on my behalf, that lead to this post.  She was a retired teacher that had left the profession to focus on ministry, that wanted to say a prayer for me - and she did.  What I failed to mention in that post is the fact that she asked for a sign to be given to me THIS WEEK.  She was very adamant in her request.  She identified the "dark cloud" that was looming over me - and asked for His help THIS WEEK to show me that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

After that prayer, things started to change for me.  Physically and emotionally.  I felt better about my path.  I felt that I had been given the signs that I'd asked for that confirmed I was, indeed, doing what I was supposed to be doing - and that I may have to face all of the hurdles to finally get where I was supposed to be.

Little did I know the power that was held in that prayer.  The sequence of events that have taken place this week have left me stunned, shocked...in total awe.  On Monday evening, I saw that there was a 3rd grade position that had just opened up in the school I've really been interested in.  It's a very small school - still in the same district - but working there would combine my desire to work in a small school while having the benefits of being in a large district.  It's also the area that I have always dreamed of living one day.  A quaint little town, not far from the lake.  Third grade is also the one grade that I've always favored.  While I have no real preference in the grade level I teach - 3rd has always been my favorite.  So, I emailed the principal.

Yesterday, I received an email that I have an interview on Friday.  I actually scream laughed when I read it.  Finally.  I have been given the chance I've been looking for.  The interview.  Not a job offer by any means - I still have plenty of competition.  There's no certainty by any means that I have a better chance than anyone else that will interview for the job - but it's an interview.  It's one step closer than I was the day before yesterday.

So, now I'm worried.  I'm stuck in that place between really nervous and really excited.  I don't want to get too excited, because if I don't get the job I will be even more disappointed.  I want to go in with a level mind that I'll be prepared for whatever the outcome is.  My thinking is, if I go for the interview and the principal doesn't think I'll be a good fit for the school - then at least I've had my chance.  It's much better than receiving no interview at all.

I'm also really nervous because I'm starting to think that this is all apart of the signs and plans that were laid out for me this past weekend.  A person prayed that I'd get some word this week...and BAM I get an interview.  That kind of thinking leads me back in to getting really excited again.  So, you can see my dilemma, right?

At the end of the day, regardless what happens, I can't deny that I did receive what I asked for.  I asked for a sign.  Someone else asked for a sign on my behalf - this week.  I received the interview I've been praying for, and I received it this week.  If that doesn't give you goosebumps - I just don't know what will.

But, it's not over yet.  I have to try and keep myself grounded between nervous and excited.  It's not such a bad place to be.  I will ask that you all think of me, pray for me, send positive mo-jo my direction.  Obviously the power in all three is there...and I hope it will help get me through my interview tomorrow afternoon.

Till next time. ;)

Are You There, God? It's Me Joanna - Part 2!

 
Dear Diary...

Wow, what a difference a whole day and a good night's sleep can do.  Yesterday, I was in the bottom of a pit screaming for some help to get me out.  And then, I got to see the video I posted  that had been originally posted on another blog I read - and things started to feel a little different. 

Writing posts like I wrote yesterday are very hard on me.  I often struggle with how much I want to share with the world.  Do I want people to know about the bad times with the good?  Will people think differently of me or think I'm weak?  Will I portray an image that I'm someone who wants attention and sympathy?  Sometimes I get answers to those questions.  Sometimes the answers are not what I hoped.

I've shared my struggles before.  This was not the first time.  I've, then, received comments or emails from people telling me to suck it up, quit whining, only focus on weight loss -because that's what this blog is supposed to be about.  I read all of the comments and emails from people.  Sometimes they sting a little, sometimes they're just downright mean, but more often they are friendly, supportive, and caring.

As hard as it may be for some people to believe, I don't write posts like I did yesterday for sympathy or attention.  Sure, reading words of encouragement always helps.  It's nice to know that there are people out there that care.  But that's not my intention when I write.  I've said this before, but I share the bad with the good because people have to know the real me.  Knowing that I struggle, knowing that I sometimes feel sorry for myself, knowing that I can be a whiny baby full of negativity - they are all things people can relate to.  Not everyone is perfect.  No one feels happy ALL of the time.  No one succeeds ALL of the time.   Honesty is one of my most important policies - if I can't be honest, then it's not even worth my time writing any of this.  How believable would I be if my blog only covered the good times and the successes?

Plus, when I write about my struggles it makes it much more rewarding when I can come and share how I overcome the struggles.

Take yesterday, for example.  When I woke up, I was low.  Lower than I've been in a long time.  Just visiting a blog and watching a short video reawakened me.  It shook me a little and sent the message that I've got to get a grip and start sucking it up.  That was a start - but not the end.  I received another "sign" if you will shortly after leaving the house.

As I was heading out for a day of fun in the sun, I drove by a gas station in which a lady was holding a sign reading "FREE GAS".  I drove by, not really thinking much of it.  Surely, it was some form of gimmick that required me to sign up for something.  There were no cars waiting in line, so if it truly was free gas being given out there would be more people there.  Then, some voice inside me yelled "TURN AROUND, GO BACK!"  I didn't really want to, but I did what my inner voice told me to do.  I turned around and went back.

The gas pumps were empty, and there was a man standing there holding a gas nozzle.  He asked me if I'd like some free gas.  Well, of course I did.  I drove up and he started pumping.  Then, a lady appeared at my window out of nowhere.  That's when my other inner voice started with the "I knew it" spill - she was going to ask me to sign up for something or buy something.  She didn't.  She told me that she was a minister and if she could say a prayer for someone in my family.  Immediately, I asked her to pray for me with help finding a job.  So, we did it right there.  Me sitting in my car, her standing outside my door.  We prayed.  She asked for guidance. She asked for support.  And then she asked for the dark cloud over me to be lifted.  WHAT?  I didn't say anything about that!  She asked that I be allowed the opportunity to get a teaching job so that I can help children, because that's what I truly want to do.  As the words flowed from her mouth, the lump started appearing in my throat.  The tears started to well in my eyes.  As we both said the words AMEN, I really did feel like the cloud had started to lift even more. 

I thanked her for the help.  She gave me an encouraging nod and told me to keep fighting.  I was stunned, in complete and utter shock.  All I had asked for was a prayer to help with my job hunting, yet she asked for help for the things I didn't say.  There's no way I can ignore a sign like that.  I am now recharged with determination.  OK, so a job offer may not come this week, this month, or even this year - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm fighting for what I should be fighting for.  There are plans at work for me - and I just have to let those plans work out.

And for some more great news - and getting back to what this blog is supposed to be about - I stood on the scale again this morning.  I now weigh 243.8lbs.  That means in two weeks of eating clean - I've lost 8.2lbs.  IN 2 WEEKS!!  How can I not be happy with that? 

So, this weekend, I've managed to put out some stress flames.  I'm feeling much better about the week ahead.  Yeah, I had a mini-meltdown, but I'm back in the game...ready to keep fighting. 

Till next time. ;)

Are You There God? It's Me, Joanna

Dear Diary...

This week has been tough.  Tough on my mind.  Tough on my emotions. 

When I sit down at my computer to write in this blog, it's a process.  I have to be cautious with what I say.  I have to remember that my words are visible for anyone to see.  I can't always put my life out there - I'm in a position, or trying to be in a position, where the information I share with the world is monitored.  If I chose to share my life on a public blog, it can only be the parts of my life on surface level.

Being that writing is my coping mechanism for stress, I started a private journal.  A journal where I can yell and scream and let out all of my frustrations - away from the public eye.  It's necessary.  You see, there are only two places in which I keep my emotions.  Locked up in a tiny safe in the pit of my stomach, and in the pages of my private journal. 

After everything I've been though this week, my private journal has seen me a lot.  Yesterday, however, the tiny safe in my stomach got a little too full before I had a chance to empty it out on paper.  I cried.  Something I don't do very often - hardly ever, actually.  I was able to break free from being around people before the sobs let loose.  I hate crying in front of people.  I don't like my emotions to get the best of me.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough... but I made it just in time for the uncontrollable, heaving sobs to emerge.

When I sat down to write in my private journal this morning, I let the words fly freely.  I didn't censor what I had to say.  I let it all out... how I felt, what was going on in my mind.  I don't think about what I'm writing.. I just let my fingers do the talking.  And then I saw that I wrote this...

"I am in such a dark place, that if some light doesn't start to shine at the end of this scary, dark tunnel, I'm not sure how much more I can take"

Just taking this tidbit out of the whole page is a little dangerous.  The context can be confused in many different ways.  Just let me assure you that the context simply means in regards to my emotions and the stress.  It's related to the frustrations and upset with the job hunting.  That is all.  But the words still hold a lot of force.  When I reread these words, I think of defeat.  I think that I'm on the verge of giving up.  I'm basically screaming for a sign that the fight I'm fighting is worth is. 

After I finished writing, and dried up the tears, I went about my normal routine. The first step is visiting one of my favorite blogs:  Day #1 Again.  Written by Jenn.  She is a fighter in so many aspects.  Her words always make me feel better.  Yet, this morning, there were no words for me to read.  There was just a video.  A video she wanted her readers to see.  This video...

As I watched this video, I felt the sting of fresh tears.  I felt the dampness as they rolled down my cheeks.  Just moments before I had begged my private journal to give me a sign.  I asked it to tell me that the heartache was for a purpose.  I needed something to tell me that my fight wasn't in vain - there, indeed, would be some light at the end of the dark tunnel I'm traveling down.  And here it was - sitting right on a blog page - as if waiting for me. 

I don't think about my weight journey when I watch this video - I thought about my current life struggles.  So many situations have arose that tell me I'm never going to succeed in what I want to do.  Too many times, just this week, I've curled up in a ball and let the tears flow from my eyes and the sadness release from my stomach.  And then, I was introduced to Arthur.  He makes my troubles seem stupid - but the power in his message I can relate to. 

In one of my darkest moments, I asked for a sign.  And then, I got this.  No matter how tough things get, I can now remember Arthur.  I can carry him with me.  No matter how many times I fall - I will get back up.  One day, I will be share my story of how I overcame the walls that were in front of me...and share how Arthur and Jenn gave me the sign that I needed to keep going.

Thank you Arthur, and Jenn!!

Till next time. ;)

Finally Friday

Dear Diary...

I know you're probably dying to hear how the interview went.  Am I right?  Well, sorry to disappoint but to say that I think it went OK is about the best I can do.  It's just so hard to gauge how an interview went.  I really won't know how well I did until I either receive a call for an additional interview or I don't. 

I do know that I was very nervous.  A lot more nervous than I recall being last year.  When I'm nervous, I talk.  A lot.  Yes, even more than when I'm not nervous - hard to believe, right?  But, that's what I did.  I probably talked too much.  There's a couple of times I remember rambling on, and actually having to stop and try and remember what the original question was that I was answering. DOH!

I interviewed with a principal and assistant principal.  It was very formal - one asked questions, the other wrote my responses.  Everything inside of my brain was screaming ideas and answers at me.  The thoughts were all jumbled in my head.  I wanted, more than anything, to show these two women how much I deserved to be in a classroom of my own - but words got messed up, ideas got scrambled, and I may have come off sounding more like a crazy woman than a teacher.  I know I'm going to be hard on myself.  It's possible I did a lot better than I thought.  But, only time will tell. 

This weekend, I'm really going to try and get my mind off of all of it.  I'm going to go out to a few craft fairs.  Do some walking.  Spend some time in the heat.  And, boy is there heat.  We're in some kind of crazy heat wave at the moment - that's sending the temps in to the upper 80s and lower 90s...already.  And it's not just heat, but heavy humidity.  That kind of weather that makes you hot and sweaty just walking out the door.  It's yucky.  But, I have to forget about all that if I want to enjoy my weekend. 

This week, I've done well on my eating.  Again, not perfect, but I haven't gone in to any stressful binge modes either.  Which, if I was going to do - would be this week.  All day yesterday, all I could think about was rushing off to the store and buying a huge bag of M&M's.  I wanted to drown myself in a chocolate binge.  I compromised, and ate a small handful of Hershey Kisses.  I got my sweet tooth fix, but didn't swallow 1000 calories of chocolate morsels, either. 

Yesterday afternoon would have also been a great day to get a walk in.  But, I was so hot and sticky by the time I got home - I decided laying on the couch in the AC was much more relaxing.  I'm pondering the idea of getting up early tomorrow morning and going for a walk before the heat really kicks in.  It might help clear my mind so that I can enjoy the weekend. 

All in all, I'm super surprised at how I've kept strong this past couple of weeks.  I knew this time would come where I turn in to Stress Woman - sucker upper of all things stress.  That also means Binge Woman - sucker upper of all things sweet and fried (Stress Woman's sidekick) - is usually right beside her.  But, not this time.  Stress Woman is definitely here.  She's a lot more grouchy and negative than I remember her being from last year - but maybe that's due to the disappearance of Binge Woman.  If I have to chose between being on the grouchy side or drowning myself in junk food - grouchy is going to win.  It probably sucks from everyone that has to come in to contact with me - but my waistline appreciates it. 

I just keep telling myself that if I can deal with this level of stress and still avoid junk food - there's fight left in me, yet.  Oh yes there is. 

Till next time. ;)

Butterflies and Belly Monsters

Dear Diary...

I woke up this morning with the flitter flutter or butterfly wings against the inside of my stomach.  Today is a very important day.  No, scratch that. Today could very well be the most important day of my life.  I have an interview.  Not just any interview, but possibly the only interview I might get this year - if things don't go well.

When I think about that, those cute little flitter flutters turn in to wrenching, mini drop kicks from the inside, butterfly wings that turn in to belly monsters.  Think evil trolls that are trying to get out, and are charging my insides to do so.  Not the most pleasant of feelings.

Intimidated.  Scared.  Petrified.  Topped with a little excitement.  All four are what I'm feeling right now.  I've waited all year long for this opportunity, and now I'm finally getting the chance I've been waiting for.  It's not how I thought it would go - but I can't complain. 

You see, I'm interviewing for the district.  As a whole.  Not a specific job.  I have no idea who will be interviewing me.  All I know is that I have to be at one of the district buildings at 8am this morning, and that I'll be performing a preliminary interview that could lead to another interview with a specific principal - or maybe more than one.  But, I can't get ahead of myself.  I have no idea.  You know how I do with not knowing - or being prepared.  It's terrifying, but thrilling all at the same time. 

I know I'm spluttering off - and probably not making much sense.  But, I'm doing the best I can while butterflies spread their wings and stomach trolls are kicking the wind out of me.  Bear with me. 

All I know is that principals from across the district are performing interviews for three days this week.  Random principals - not necessarily those with openings at their school.  They are going to ask me questions.  They are going to listen what I have to say.  Then, they are going to decide if they think I'm good enough to be referred for another interview.  It's like an interview for an interview. 

My head is moving in so many directions, it's making me dizzy.  I did a similar thing last year.  It was the first interview I ever had - for a teaching position.  And it didn't go too well.  I was nervous.  I rambled.  I did everything I was told not to do in an interview.  I still get shivers up my spine when I think about it.  Now, I have another opportunity to fix that wrong.  I have a chance to show how much I've grown, how ready I am to be in a classroom.  I know I'm ready.  You guys know I'm ready.  But that's because when I sit here and share my passion, I'm not nervous.  To say I'm nervous right now is a little of an understatement. 

I know that today is usually the day I do my Biggest Loser breakdown - but now you know why I've skipped that.  The show is finally over - thank goodness.  The wrong person won, but we kinda already had a feeling that was going to happen. Kim should have won - not Jeremy.  Let's all hope that next season is a lot better than this season. 

Alright, now I have to try and settle the trolls and focus.  Please send your thoughts with me today.  Everything I've been working towards rides on this morning.  I need you all behind me when I'm in there. 

Till next time. ;)

Becoming a "Plan B" Kinda Person

Dear Diary...

I'm back on my laptop this morning.  Not sure why, all of a sudden, my laptop internet started working again - but I'm guessing it's because it really wanted me to write this morning's post.  There's no other logical explanation - so we're going with my logic today.  That may be scary or good...guess we'll have to wait and see.

So, I've been doing some thinking.  Again, could be scary or good - depending on the outcome.  Sometimes my mind wanders in a thousand different directions, often unable to keep up with the thoughts and ideas that are going on.  That, my friends, is how stress happens.  I start thinking about something - innocently...a quick blip in my brain.  Then, I start dwelling on it.  I start manifesting more ideas or problems or make believe scenarios - that after thinking about them for so long, they start to become more and more real.  The thoughts, ideas, fears, scenarios all rewind and replay over and over - building more and more each time - until my head is ready to explode.  Along with my emotions.

That's how I end up in situations of binge eating and not exercising.  My brain gets so tangled up in the stress that the parts of the brain that is supposed to be watching how much I eat curls up in the fetal position, the part of the brain that is supposed to help me exercise is exhausted from the brain power going on, and the part of the brain that's supposed to keep me calm and collected looks me in the eyes and screams "ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?"  Not a good place for my poor brain to be in.

So, I said to myself: Self, how can we organize some of this stress?  How can we take my mind to a place that can handle the continued thoughts and scenarios and ideas that are all jumbled up in a big, heaping pile of mess?  And you know what Self said?  It's time to organize, my dear, and get some plans in place.  It's time to consider Plan Bs and Cs and even Ds and Es if we have to.

What a fantastic idea!  Self really surprises me sometimes.  Who'd have known she was so smart?

So, just like I do when I'm trying to organize my ever filling office - it's time to organizing my ever filling mind.  It's time to start making some organization sheets, back-up plans, to-do lists.  Whatever I can do to somehow organize the stress cesspool that is my head.

What does that mean?  Well, I'm going to take the things that stress me out the most and make some back-up plans.  I'm stressing right now about finding a job.  That leads to stressing about the weight I'm gaining because I'm eating from the stress from the job hunt.  That leads to stressing about not working out and burning off the excess calories I'm mindlessly consuming.  One thing leads to another.  I need to start making some alternate routes.  How can I get from point A to point B with a few optional routes?

It's time to fire up a Brain GPS.  Ew, I like that.  A Brain GPS - sounds fancy, doesn't it?

So - let's start with the job hunt.

Plan A - I find a teaching job in the next few weeks - all is well.
Plan B - I find a teaching job in the next few months - stress level will increase significantly between now and then.
Plan C - I don't find a teaching job this year, and I do what I'm doing for another year and hope that things work out next year - stress will be through the roof until my mind has settled on the fact that I'm not getting a teaching job for another year, which will be sometime in September or October.

Plan A sets my mind in to "calm" mode.  No need for alternate directions there - but B and C?  Yeah, they're going to be more tricky.  So, I have to align up other stress plans to help.

Food consumption...

Plan A - Go back to eating no carbs for a while, and really buckle down on eating clean.
Plan B - Limit my carb intake, focus on eating more fruits and veggies and less complex carbs, focus more on logging my food so that I'm more mindful about how much I'm eating each day.
Plan C - Give myself a day each week where I can stress eat whatever my heart desires.  Just one day where I can extinguish a few stress flames - and not completely expose my body to continual abuse and weight gain.

Now - you see how each of those worked?  As the stress gets higher from the first set of plans - I line up the second set of plans.  Plan A goes with Plan A, Plan B goes with Plan B, and so on.  They don't have to all align, either.  Right now, while my stress level is high, I may just opt for Plan C all the way through...until Plan A or B kicks in.  They are interchangeable.  I gave myself some wiggle room.

I know what you may be thinking - giving myself a day each week to eat whatever I want could be dangerous.  But is it really any more dangerous than what I'm doing now?  I'm mindlessly eating every single day.  The weight is going up and up at record pace.  If I limit myself to only one day to drown my sorrows - my bad eating is cut by 600%.  Yeah, I so did the math on this.  It's a lot better, believe me.

Last up.  Exercise...

Plan A - Go to the gym 4-5 days a week.
Plan B - Go to the gym 2-3 times a week, and go for a long walk or jog on the weekends
Plan C - Go to the gym 1-2 times a week for some strength training, but focus the rest of the week on walking and yoga.  Even if it's only walking for 15-30 minutes each day.

Again, the exercise gets a lot less vigorous with the increase of stress.  I know that's the complete opposite of what it should be.  The more stressed I get, the more exercise I should be doing.  I know that, but my body and brain don't necessarily agree.  The more stress I add to my plate, the less I want to work out.  It's plain and simple.  So, if I focus more on exercise that is less demanding, and more stress relieving, maybe...and I said maybe...my body will start to crave more - once it realizes how awesome it feels after the work-out. 

Right now, despite it being so early in the "job-hunting" stage, I'm probably going to go with Plan C for the next few weeks.  It makes sense to me.  I'm stressed out.  I'm going to focus on eating well Monday - Friday while I'm at work.  Then, Saturday will be my "free day".  It's the day that carries the highest likelihood that I'll eat out with my family or snack because I'm at home.  Sunday will be a day where I really pull out the destress exercise by going for a long walk.  At least 4 miles.  Then, maybe some yoga outside.  Sounds very calming, doesn't it?  Let's not think about the allergies - they're back to manageable state... I'm good to go.

Also, yesterday evening I went to the library.  The first time in years - but I picked up a book.  It's called The Writing Diet.  I have absolutely no idea how helpful it will be - but it totally got my interest.  The author claims to help people lose weight by writing.  Well, I love to write - so I'm going to see what she has to say.  Can't hurt, right?

So, there you have it.  This is what I'm going to try - now.  Hopefully it will work.  Something has to, right?  I got a really nice email yesterday that really brought all this on.  It's from a person that's really pulling for me to get a job.  She's been there with words of encouragement and support for the past couple of weeks that have really helped.  Yesterday, the message was simple.  It said:  Breathe!  And it was like BLAM, my mind starting racing with everything I've said today.  I do need to breathe.  I need to refocus, recharge, and rejuvenate.

I'm going to breathe.  I'm going to remain as calm as I can.  And I sure would appreciate you all sending me some positive ju-ju and energy vibes.  It's going to be a long summer - especially if I don't find a job - so I'm going to need all the support I can get.

Tomorrow, Hubby is whisking me away to the one place in the world that makes all my stress immediately dissipate on site.  The place where I can recharge and refocus.  It's a quaint, artsy town called Eureka Springs.  He knows what I need - that's fo'sure!

Till next time. ;)