Sunday, May 06, 2012
Are You There, God? It's Me Joanna - Part 2!
Wow, what a difference a whole day and a good night's sleep can do. Yesterday, I was in the bottom of a pit screaming for some help to get me out. And then, I got to see the video I posted that had been originally posted on another blog I read - and things started to feel a little different.
Writing posts like I wrote yesterday are very hard on me. I often struggle with how much I want to share with the world. Do I want people to know about the bad times with the good? Will people think differently of me or think I'm weak? Will I portray an image that I'm someone who wants attention and sympathy? Sometimes I get answers to those questions. Sometimes the answers are not what I hoped.
I've shared my struggles before. This was not the first time. I've, then, received comments or emails from people telling me to suck it up, quit whining, only focus on weight loss -because that's what this blog is supposed to be about. I read all of the comments and emails from people. Sometimes they sting a little, sometimes they're just downright mean, but more often they are friendly, supportive, and caring.
As hard as it may be for some people to believe, I don't write posts like I did yesterday for sympathy or attention. Sure, reading words of encouragement always helps. It's nice to know that there are people out there that care. But that's not my intention when I write. I've said this before, but I share the bad with the good because people have to know the real me. Knowing that I struggle, knowing that I sometimes feel sorry for myself, knowing that I can be a whiny baby full of negativity - they are all things people can relate to. Not everyone is perfect. No one feels happy ALL of the time. No one succeeds ALL of the time. Honesty is one of my most important policies - if I can't be honest, then it's not even worth my time writing any of this. How believable would I be if my blog only covered the good times and the successes?
Plus, when I write about my struggles it makes it much more rewarding when I can come and share how I overcome the struggles.
Take yesterday, for example. When I woke up, I was low. Lower than I've been in a long time. Just visiting a blog and watching a short video reawakened me. It shook me a little and sent the message that I've got to get a grip and start sucking it up. That was a start - but not the end. I received another "sign" if you will shortly after leaving the house.
As I was heading out for a day of fun in the sun, I drove by a gas station in which a lady was holding a sign reading "FREE GAS". I drove by, not really thinking much of it. Surely, it was some form of gimmick that required me to sign up for something. There were no cars waiting in line, so if it truly was free gas being given out there would be more people there. Then, some voice inside me yelled "TURN AROUND, GO BACK!" I didn't really want to, but I did what my inner voice told me to do. I turned around and went back.
The gas pumps were empty, and there was a man standing there holding a gas nozzle. He asked me if I'd like some free gas. Well, of course I did. I drove up and he started pumping. Then, a lady appeared at my window out of nowhere. That's when my other inner voice started with the "I knew it" spill - she was going to ask me to sign up for something or buy something. She didn't. She told me that she was a minister and if she could say a prayer for someone in my family. Immediately, I asked her to pray for me with help finding a job. So, we did it right there. Me sitting in my car, her standing outside my door. We prayed. She asked for guidance. She asked for support. And then she asked for the dark cloud over me to be lifted. WHAT? I didn't say anything about that! She asked that I be allowed the opportunity to get a teaching job so that I can help children, because that's what I truly want to do. As the words flowed from her mouth, the lump started appearing in my throat. The tears started to well in my eyes. As we both said the words AMEN, I really did feel like the cloud had started to lift even more.
I thanked her for the help. She gave me an encouraging nod and told me to keep fighting. I was stunned, in complete and utter shock. All I had asked for was a prayer to help with my job hunting, yet she asked for help for the things I didn't say. There's no way I can ignore a sign like that. I am now recharged with determination. OK, so a job offer may not come this week, this month, or even this year - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm fighting for what I should be fighting for. There are plans at work for me - and I just have to let those plans work out.
And for some more great news - and getting back to what this blog is supposed to be about - I stood on the scale again this morning. I now weigh 243.8lbs. That means in two weeks of eating clean - I've lost 8.2lbs. IN 2 WEEKS!! How can I not be happy with that?
So, this weekend, I've managed to put out some stress flames. I'm feeling much better about the week ahead. Yeah, I had a mini-meltdown, but I'm back in the game...ready to keep fighting.
Till next time. ;)