Tuesday, May 01, 2012

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary...

Well, I kinda messed myself up for confessions this week - being that I confessed yesterday about the horrible weekend I had in terms of eating.  You already know that I ate way too much junk on Saturday.  But, you also know me well enough by now to know that one bad eating day isn't all I've got to confess.  You know there's more...there always is...

I confess that I'm stressed to the max right now, and it's not because of trying to find a job.  It's personal stuff in my family... but it's got me WAY more stressed than I've been in a long time.  Just when I thought I couldn't be more stressed, something comes along to prove me wrong.

I confess that I got the nugget of news that got me so stressed last night, and after receiving the news I didn't eat a single thing.  Did you hear me?  I did NOT eat after receiving news that got me more stressed than I am about my job hunt.  Be sure you read this one several times over to give it a chance to settle in.

I confess that the only reason I didn't cram my face full ISN'T because there's nothing to cram my face full in my house - there's plenty of junk that's crept it's way in to the house - it's because I didn't think about eating.  Again, go ahead and read this one a few times, too.

I confess that rather than thinking about eating, I took my anger and frustration out on cleaning my house.  Yes, this is me actually typing this - no matter how much you're doubting the authenticity of this post.  In a matter of a couple of hours my house went from looking like a tornado sight to...well...a house that looks clean.  

I confess that I got hardly any sleep last night.  There's no happy twist to this one.  I slept an hour, maybe.  I'm tired and very cranky, now.  Gonna make for a long day, I'm sure.

I confess that I found out on Sunday that pork rinds are considered a not so bad junk food snack.  Am I even in the right universe anymore?  I can actually eat little nuggets of pork fat that are cooked in pork fat and they are better for me than potato chips?  Apparently so.  According to all the research I've done, pork rinds are packed with protein, have no carbs, and actually contain good fats.  Yes, they do also contain some bad fat - but not as much as you find in a bag of potato chips.  Amazing, right?  They are safe to eat in small quantities to appease junk food cravings.  Just when I thought my junk food loving days were over.

I confess that I'm still stressed about my job hunt, but I've kinda decided that there's not really much more I can do other than wait that I get an interview or four.  I've contacted principals, I've notified the people I work for which jobs I'm interested in.  There's really nothing else I can do at this point, other than wait.  And pray to all things holy that I at least get some interviews.  I think that will be more devastating than not finding a job - knowing that I didn't even get any interviews for a chance at a job.

I confess that I'm nervous, and scared, and angry, and stressed, and every other negative emotion that can be felt at this very minute... yet eating is the last thing I'm thinking about.  Maybe I'm going to be OK.  Yes, all my troubles would be over if I found a job - even the troubles that aren't related to job hunting - but if I keep reminding myself that I'm not comforting myself with food - it helps me feel a little better. 

Life is hard right now.  But, then again, when isn't it - right?  I've always got some form of stress or inner demon pulling at my heart strings.  This is the first time in...well, ever, that I haven't turned to food to comfort me and I have to take a second to rejoice that fact.  This is a huge breakthrough and turning point for me.  It tells me there's still hope for me, yet.  I'm going to look at this small victory as a sign. I still have fight in me.  I still have a chance.  When the going gets tough, I usually get to eating - but not this time.  I found something else to focus my mind on - and maybe I can keep doing that.

I confess that even though I feel like I can't ever catch a break - there's still a small slither of silver lining attached to my cloud.  And that is something to be happy about regardless of everything else going on with me.

Till next time. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Wow, Joanna! I'm impressed with your ability to just say no to food! That's great and so hard to do. And now you have a clean house on top of that, which always makes me feel better.

    I'm sorry that you are experiencing such stress and not sleeping well. I hope whatever you are going through, resolves itself quickly.

    Stay strong! Put the negative energy to positive work! xoxo


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