Wednesday, May 16, 2012

When I Try To Think of Something Else to Talk About...

Dear Diary...

Today is one of those days where I'm having a hard time coming up with something to talk about.  Yes.  Seriously.  Me.  Having problems saying something.  Doesn't happen very often.  I can always think of something to say - even if it's the same thing I've been saying over and over and over.

But you know what?  I'm so tired of that.  I'm so tired of repeating myself.  My blog is a blog.  It's not a prayer book or a wish list or a magic genie lamp.  It doesn't matter how many times I keep repeating myself - it's not going to magically make a job appear for me.

Being consumed and obsessed with something can lead to dark paths.  My mind shuts off from everything else going on around me - and I end up with tunnel vision.  The only thing I want to see, hear, or speak of is the job hunt....forget the rest of my life that's going on outside of the tunnel.  And that stinks!

Instead of all that, I could tell you that Peanut was in her last band concert of the year last week.  I could tell how far she's come with playing her clarinet - and how I didn't hear a single squeak come from the band when they played their music.  She's also decided that she wants to be in band again next year - after some back and forth with her decisions.  I'm happy because I was such a band nerd in high school.  Band was my life.  Seeing my first born follow in my musical footsteps makes me very happy.

I could tell you that Butter was in his first play at school last night.  He didn't have any lines.  He was only on stage for about 3 seconds.  But he was the stage manager.  The person that ran the curtain and managed the props - and you know what?  You would have thought he was the main character with how excited he was.  I've come to learn something about my son from all this.  It's not about being in the spotlight for him - it's about being a part of something.  Something great.  A group effort.  His part was no less important than anyone else - and no more important.  Being a part of a team is what he wanted...and what he got.  And the play was fantastic.

I could tell you that Jelly has really started taking an interest in books and reading.  It's become more and more regular with her asking me to read to her.  She listens to the story intently.  She picks out the pictures that match what I'm saying.  She retells the story in her own words.  And she loves anything that rhymes.  Dr. Seuss is quickly becoming one of her favorite authors.  Snuggling up on the couch and reading books with Jelly has become one of my favorite ways to relax in the evening.

I could mention that Hubby has been on cloud 9 since he was able to buy him a motorcycle a couple of months ago.  He's wanted a motorcycle for years and years...even longer than he's been with me.  He was finally able to get his credit to the point where he could get a loan that is manageable.  It came at the perfect time, too, due to the weather.  He rides the bike every night to work - and it's saving a bundle on gas money.  He's also getting out more on the weekends, and spending time with his friends out on the bike.  I don't feel left out - I'm really happy that he has something he can do that he loves doing.

I've left out other things like how on Saturday, I got to go to a friend's birthday party and paint a coffee mug.  The party was held at a artsy place that specializes in ceramics, painting, yarn work..stuff like that.  I got to pick out something I wanted to paint - and paint it.  It was a lot of fun.  I really didn't expect to enjoy it as much as I did - because I'm not really that great with a paint brush.  But, I loved it.  I had a great time.  And it was relaxing.  It's even something I might consider doing again...maybe taking the kids to do one day during the summer.  I don't have the mug yet, because it has to be fired in a kiln...and that takes a few days... but I'll be able to share with you a picture of the finished project once I get it. 

And I know I've mentioned this, but after tomorrow, I'll be spending the next month at my mom's house babysitting.  Even though I've known about this for months, I still haven't done anything to get ready.  Laundry hasn't been done.  I haven't cleaned the house.  I haven't even started packing.  So, I will have all that to do once I get home from work tonight.  On top of that, I agreed to burn 26 DVDs for Butter's teacher.  It's probably going to be a very late night for me - but I'm not too worried about it.  After tomorrow, I'll have three full months to catch up on sleep. 

I'm excited about having three FULL months with my kids.  It's one of the many perks of being a one-day teacher that's not a teacher yet but still someone who works the same schedule as teachers.  After the first month, I really want to make the time with my kids count.  I want to do fun things like go to the museum, do the Crafty Cottage thing, go to the zoo, go swimming, enjoy picnics at the park....anything and everything that will give me quality time with my kids - and keep my mind off what it's been consumed with the past two months. 

How quickly I sometimes forget how great my life is outside of the tunnel that I crawl in to.  The tunnel is dark, long, cold, and lonely.  I don't see any light at the end.  And then I panic and cry and feel like the world is against me.  Yes, I've wanted to be a teacher since I was 5.  Yes, I'm sad and frustrated that I just can't seem to catch a break.  But, I have to remember that if I step out of the tunnel...even for just a little while...there's so much sunshine and happiness surrounding me.  My family are on the outside.  My friends are on the outside.  The things that bring me warmth and comfort and strength. 

I really think I have to start making some changes with how I spend my time.  Sure, I have to step in to the tunnel now and then...if I'm ever going to actually get that job that I desire so.  But, I can't stay in there.  I can't live in the tunnel.  I have to live outside...where the air is clearer and cleaner and more pleasant.  I don't want to end up looking back on my life 5 years from now and remembering nothing but what it was like to look for a teaching job. I want to look back and remember all the wonderful things I did with my kids, all the fun times I shared with the people I love.  That's what's so important...and that I sometimes forget.

So, I'm taking a detour for a while.  I'm avoiding the tunnel for a few days...and seeing how I feel after some time in the sunshine.

Till next time. ;)

1 comment:

  1. Great post, Joanna.

    Writing about the same thing every day - be it weight loss, or a job hunt, etc. Can be taxing. I think we write about what most occupies our thoughts. Obviously, on a weight loss blog, it would be diet and exercise. But there is life outside of our blogs. We are real people, with real problems and real experiences, both good & bad. It's important, I think, to show that a little bit as well. Because what's going on in real life certainly affects what is happening with our weight loss, right?

    Good luck making all those cd's and getting through these final hours!!


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