We Are Family!

                               

I managed to get some sleep last night, after a horrible headache hit me about 8 last night.  I'm sure the headache came from only getting about an hour's sleep the night before, and it was my body's way of saying CLOSE YOUR EYES AND SLEEP, WOMAN!  So, I did.  And I slept really well.  No bad dreams, no waking up for no reason, just sleep.  And this morning, I feel much better.

I did have one dream that was actually pretty good.  I dreamt about having a family get-together at my house.  Everyone was hanging out by the pool.  All of the kids were playing, the adults were talking, and I remember looking in to the pool seeing my children in the pool enjoying a game of something with some of the guys, and they looked so happy.  It was one of those dreams that gave me the warm and fuzzy feelings.  One thing that I do remember about the dream is the fact that all the people at our family get-together weren't my blood family, but they are most definitely my family.

Here lately, I have been building strong relationships with Peanut's dad's family.  They were the people in my dream, enjoying the family get-together.  They have become a very important part of my life.  Daily, I talk to his aunt either through text or phone call.  We have become very good friends, and we have such a great relationship.  We can talk about anything and everything and find some humor in it.  We laugh and joke around together, and it's almost like having an older sister.  His mom calls me a couple of times a week, just to check in and see how I'm doing.  Just like a mom, really.  She asks about the kids, how school is going, how work is going, and we talk about what's going on in her neck of the woods.  Her phone calls can be quick 5 minute conversations, but it means so much to me that she takes time to call. His grandparents are just two of the sweetest people I know, and they have told me many times that I am now their granddaughter.  I love going to see them, and I love how comfortable they make me feel. I absolutely adore them.  His brother and sister-in-law open up their home to me when we visit and have always been so nice to me. His dad and step-mom are the same way.  And I could keep going on and on with this.

With everything that I've been going through lately, it's been so nice to know that I have a strong family support system behind me, and it's even more special being that they have absolutely NO obligation to me.  Sure, they are Peanut's blood family, but that doesn't require them to treat me the way they do.  OK, I am the mother of their family member, but just being nice would perfectly suffice.  But they have gone above and beyond to make me feel like I'm also a part of the family... and I don't think they realize how important that's been for me.  

Not having a relationship with my parents during all of this turmoil definitely took it's toll on me in the beginning.  When S and I first broke up, I felt so alone.  Who could I turn to?  Who could I talk to?  But, I didn't have to worry about that for long.  I was absolutely flooded with support and comfort during my time of need by people that didn't have to do what they've done for me, yet they did.  Willingly.  Openly.  No strings, no rhyme or reason except for the fact that it speaks volumes to what amazing people they are.  

I know how important it is to have a good relationship with an ex's family.  I mean, it's good to keep an open relationship with family so that the kids don't suffer.  But, every single person in that family knows me well enough to know that it wouldn't matter how they treated me, I'd never stop Peanut from having anything to do with them.  Yet, even knowing that, they still treat me as if I'm part of the family anyway.  

The dream I had last night definitely opened up my eyes to some of the blessings I have.  I know that I never have to feel alone.  It has nothing to do with having people to talk to about my problems, it's not like that.  Our relationship isn't like that.  It's not about having people to lean on in my time of need, it's about having people that take away the need to have someone to lean on.  I don't talk to them about the bad situations that are going on in my life, I don't spill my problems on to their shoulders, and that's because they make the bad seem a whole lot less.  Just talking about my day, how the kids are doing, and hearing about how life is going for them is enough.  More than enough, really.  They take my mind off of some of the scary stuff I'm facing.  They are my support system without even knowing how much support they're giving me.

What I do know is family doesn't have to be about blood.  It's about the bonds and ties you make with people that care for you, and that you care for.  It's seeing how you're treated not during the good times of your life, but during the harder times.  And I know that I feel the way I do, as good as I do right now, because of all of these amazing people that have helped me so much without knowing it.  They have no idea how much their love has touched me, how important they are to me, and how important they have been in keeping me focused and whole.  

Sometimes we don't realize what we have staring us right in the face.  We don't understand the blessings we have in life.  We often focus on the bad, the negative, and the hard and overlook the good, the positive, and the supportive.  

I'm not sure if any of them read this, but if so, I want to say THANK YOU!  You have absolutely no idea the impact you've made on my life.  You probably have no idea how your simple gestures have helped me overcome some of the battles I'm facing.  You probably have no idea how important you've been to me.  And, it really means the world to me.

OK, sappy stuff over with... now time to get ready for work.

Have a great day, everyone!

My Grown Up Christmas List

                                      

I figured I'd better get my letter written to you, Santa, like I do around this time each year.  It feels like time is passing so quickly, that if I don't do it now you might not receive a letter from me this year.  It seems like each year I get busier and busier right before Christmas, so I have decided to stop and send you my Christmas wishes for this year... while you still have some time to read them.

First off, let me start by saying thank you for all the wonderful memories you have given me over the years.  My oldest two children stopped believing in you a few years ago, but they allow your spirit to live on in our house for little Jelly.  She's been dying to write your Christmas letter, and this weekend I've promised her that we'll sit down and do it.  I also need to prepare the video that you always send to her, because she's also noticed she hasn't received that.  

It doesn't bother me one bit that I don't get any credit for the gifts my kids receive for Christmas.  Well, any credit for Jelly's gifts.  I am totally fine with her thinking that all I did was send you a note telling you some of the things she wants, or you relying solely on the letter she sends to you.  A part of my Christmas magic comes from sitting up with her on Christmas Eve watching the NORAD app to see where you're currently delivering gifts, and then her rushing to bed when she thinks you're getting close.  I love how she justifies how many cookies to leave you, the treats that she picks out for the reindeer, and how she gives our cats a stern talking to before going to bed to make sure they stay away from your Egg Nog.  Another part of my Christmas magic comes from the look on her face, Christmas morning, when she sees the goodies that she thinks you left for her.  I love hearing every squeal of excitement as she opens her gifts and yells "How did Santa know I wanted this?  I didn't even write it on my letter!"   I love the fact that she always wants to write you a letter AFTER Christmas to thank you for all the wonderful toys, clothes, and candies she gets.  

This year, I intend for the magic to be just as exciting, and I can't wait.

But, there are a few things I'd like to ask for.  A few things I have on my list that I think should get some attention, being that I've done so much for you over the years in making sure that your spirit lives on in my household.

First off, I want you to know I've got my house covered.  You don't need to worry about thing here.  What I ask is that you somehow, someway, find a way to deliver some Christmas magic to all of the students in my class.  I have some of the most amazing kiddos that have rekindled a flame inside of me and make me want to be a better teacher and a better person every, single day.  They deserve to have a good Christmas, because they have some of the sweetest hearts.  They are kind, caring, compassionate, and they give me everything they have when I know that life is tough for some of them.  I push them, hard, yet they never give up and continue to amaze me with their vigor and grit.  I love each and every one of them, and could really use a little help delivering to them the kind of Christmas I think they deserve, but may not get.  I will do what I can on my end, but I really could use some help from you... if you can.

Second, while I put my own students on the top of the list, I know that there are many kids in our school that deserve the same delivery of Christmas magic as my students.  You see, I teach in a school that is made up of kiddos that have a rough life.  Poverty, absent parents, abuse, and neglect are things that rear their ugly heads far too often in the lives of some of our kiddos, and it's just not right.  The faculty and staff at our school do what we can to make sure that these kids are loved, cared for, and are safe while with us, but I sure would like it if they could be given some peace and protection while we're away from school.  I have the honor and privilege of seeing these amazing kids each and every day, and it always amazes me how truly wonderful they are with everything they have to go through.  It would be great if the shield of love that we put around these kiddos while they are with us each day can be extended and placed over them while we're away from each other for two weeks.

Next, I really would love it if you can put a little something extra under the trees of each and every teacher and faculty member that work with these amazing kids each day, and have some input in to the fact that the kids are doing so well.  We work so hard, and our hard work is definitely evident with each and every smile we encounter from the students we see in the halls and in our classrooms.  You would never believe that some of our kiddos have such hard lives stepping in to just about any classroom in our building, and that's because of the love and support we give our students.  Miracles happen on a daily basis at our school, and the teachers go above and beyond to make those miracles happen.  I know that these amazing people are always putting their students first, and sacrifice a lot to make sure that these kids are receiving the best education, the most love, and the best care that can be given.  I'm quite sure that many teachers, before laying their head down at night, pray for their students.  We pray for their comfort, their safety, and their health.  We pray that we can do everything we can for them, and that we can continue making such progress with these amazing kids.  Our prays are often answered, and it would be nice if the amazing people I work with got a little something to show them how much they've done and will continue doing each and every day.

And finally, I'd love it if you could do a little something for all the wonderful family that I have.  P-Momma, Peanut's grandparents, Kyle, Melonie, and all of Peanut's family that have accepted us ALL as family.  They all deserve a little something to thank them for being such amazing people.  I may not have a good relationship with my own parents, but the love and kindness I've received from these amazing people have made up for it ten fold.  P-Momma is a great mother to me and an amazing grandmother to my children.  She deserves so much, yet she probably wouldn't take it... because that's just the kind of person she is.  She always puts her family first.  Peanut's family that she's met this year have been super awesome to Peanut, me, Butter, and Jelly.  They are now family to all of us, and I am so thankful that Peanut was able to connect with them.  They really deserve something to show them how truly happy I am that they are in our lives.

And that's it for me.  I know I've asked for a lot, Santa, but whatever you can do to help out will be great.  

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!

Day Twenty-Six: Thankful for Thanksgiving Break

Thanksgiving Break is finally here, and I couldn't be more thankful for this time home with my family.  It was such a great feeling, knowing I could go to bed on a Tuesday night as late as I wanted, and not have to worry about that horrible alarm waking me up this morning at 4:30AM.  Reason #494 why I have the best job on the entire planet!!

Even though it's only five days off, I will cherish each moment that I get to spend at home with my kids and family, doing our sacred Thanksgiving traditions.

I was so excited about today, I was a little on the crazy side at work yesterday.  My kids made several comments about how "weird" I was acting, being that I may or may not have broken in to a song and dance routine more than once throughout the day.

We had our Terrific Tiger assembly yesterday morning, and I danced my way to the gym as The Eye of the Tiger played over the loudspeaker.  The kids thought it was hilarious, and it probably was.  There was no minor head bumping to the beat involved.  It was full on, Broadway style, moving and grooving down to that gym.  Once the assembly was over, it was back to the classroom for some fun learning, and more singing and dancing.

I decided to do my Peanut Butter & Jelly lesson with my kiddos.  But, before we could do the lesson, I instructed them to write the steps for me to make them a PB&J sandwich.  I explained that I'd be following their directions to make them the sandwich, so they had to keep that in mind, and that's basically all the direction I gave.  I gave them about 15 minutes to write the steps, and then the fun began.

Before we got underway, I pulled up the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song on YouTube and sang and danced my way through the song.  The kids laughed so hard, and it was a great intro to the fun that was about to come.

The first student stepped up to the table and took a seat right next to me.  I told her to read the directions to me word for word, and I was going to follow them to make her a sandwich.

The sandwich making went just like this:

Student:  Get two pieces of bread
I got two pieces of bread and laid them on the desk.
Student:  Put the peanut butter on the bread.
So, I put the jar of peanut butter on top of one piece of the bread.

The look on her face when I did this was quite comical, and the kids all realized very quickly what my intentions were with the directions they'd written.  I'd be LITERALLY following each direction.  It took her a couple of seconds to read the next direction, but I urged her along.

Student:  Put the jelly on the peanut butter.
So, I put the jar of jelly on top of the jar of peanut butter.
Student: Put the other piece of bread on top.
So, I put the other piece of bread on top of the jelly jar.

The kids laughed so hard, and we had a quick discussion about using her steps to make the sandwich.  I had the kiddos write down a few suggestions that they could give to make the steps easier to follow and then we moved on to the next student.

I had several kiddos that had their "sandwich" made in the same manner, but I did manage to make one jelly sandwich.  The student had been very precise in explaining to use a knife to smear jelly on one piece of the bread, and putting the pieces of bread together.  His downfall came when his last step read:  "Now eat the sandwich".  So, I put the sandwich in my mouth, and took a bite.  The kids laughed so hard.  He was so close, yet so far.

By the time I was done, I had smeared peanut butter and jelly on bread with my hands, I'd rolled the jars on top of the bread, and I'd placed the jars of peanut butter and jelly on top of the entire loaf of bread, and I'd squished peanut butter, jelly, and bread in my hands due to the instructions, or lack thereof.  We all had such a blast, and the kids took away a lot from the experience.  After we were all said and done, I did make the kids a PB&J sandwich using their new instructions, and it went much better.

The rest of the day was filled with just as much fun and laughter.  It was so great to end out the short week on that note.  The kids were happy, I was happy, and we were all ready for a few days off.  Each kid gave me a big hug as they left for the day, and I went to work quickly getting ready to head on home.

I didn't get to leave until I put up my first Christmas bulletin board outside my classroom.  I thought it'd be nice if that was all done for me before I returned.  But I still managed to pull out of the school parking lot before 4:30PM, so that was awesome.

Once I got home, I was able to sit down and relax for the evening.  I didn't have to worry about or do anything but sit on the couch and do some crocheting.  It was AWESOME!!

Even though I was exhausted by 9PM, I refused to give in to my normal "school day" bedtime, and forced myself to stay up until 11PM.  It felt really nice knowing that I could go to bed late and wake up whatever time I wanted to this morning.  Of course, I wasn't that surprised when I woke up before 8AM, but I refused to get up.  I laid there for about half an hour before finally deciding to get out of bed.

Today, I have a TON of stuff to do in order to get ready for tomorrow, but I'm not going to stress about it.  I'm going to clean my house and I'm going to make a few preparations for tomorrow, but I'm also going to spend plenty of time sitting and doing absolutely nothing.  I feel like I at least owe it to myself to get some relaxation out of this break.

I was so happy last night when I got a call from P-Momma telling me that she's definitely coming to us for Thanksgiving.  We're going to have a family Thanksgiving, and I couldn't be happier or more thankful.  It means so much to me that she wants to be here with us during the holidays, and I can't wait for her to be here tomorrow.  It's such a nice feeling to know that I still have some family that wants to spend time with us on Thanksgiving.  Of course, I'd be perfectly content with it just being the kids, Hubby, and me but it makes it that much more special when P-Momma is here, too.

Well, if I plan on spending some time relaxing before I get to cleaning and getting ready for tomorrow, I should probably get off here.  I need to write up some homework before any relaxing can take place, so I'm going to get that out of the way now and then it's to the couch I go... for a little while, anyways.

I hope you all have a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving Eve.  I know I will.

Day Sixteen: Thankful for an AMAZING Extended Family

                                     

A few months ago, I shared that Peanut had finally made contact with her biological father (known as 'C' on here).  She hadn't met nor spoken to her father up until that time.  And for any person raising a child with an absent parent, you will know how excruciatingly nerve-wracking it is to finally allow the absent parent to make contact.

After fourteen years of absolutely no contact, it was both exciting and painful for Peanut.  She had known all of her life that she had a different father, but it had been a decision between her father and I that he leave her alone until she was ready to meet him.  And that moment happened this past summer.  He lives in Tennessee, so it was very hard for her to speak to a person via texts and Facebook.  She was ready to meet him, right then, but she knew that it would be a while before that could happen.  In hindsight, I probably would have waited until they could meet before allowing them to speak, but what happened in the interim made it all worth it.

What I didn't really think about, was that it wasn't just her father that she'd be making contact with, but his family who had not known about her.  At all.  Within a few days, Peanut and I received an overwhelming outpouring of messages and friend requests on Facebook from Peanut's father's family all wanting to find out about the great-granddaughter, granddaughter, and niece that they'd never known about and wanted to get to know.

The first person that Peanut met was her Uncle Kyle.  That's her father's brother.  She and I met up with Kyle, his wife, Mel, and their adorable daughter one evening for dinner.  From that moment, Peanut has had a very special connection with her uncle and aunt.  Peanut has gone over there to stay with them, and speaks to them quite a bit via text and Facebook.

Shortly after Peanut met Kyle and Mel, she was able to meet her great-grandmother, grandfather and great-uncle on C's dad's side of the family at a birthday party.  They welcomed her with open arms.  It was a little overwhelming for Peanut, but she hung in like a champ.

A couple of weeks later, Peanut, then, got the opportunity to meet her great-grandma, great-grandpa, her aunts, and several other family members on C's mom's side of the family at another birthday party.  I didn't attend that gathering, because Kyle had offered to take Peanut and I didn't want to interfere with her meeting her family members.  They were all very excited to meet her, and it was another good experience for Peanut.

However, with meeting all of these family members, there was one person Peanut had yet to meet:  Her father.  Not only that, but C's mom and step-dad live in Tennessee, so they hadn't gotten to meet her either.  So, Peanut and I took a road trip to Tennessee so she could meet her grandparents and her father.

The trip was amazing and heartbreaking all at the same time.  Peanut got to meet her father, and that was OK and good for her, but the special bond really came between Peanut and her grandparents.  I have NEVER in MY LIFE seen that girl curl up on the couch with anyone but me.  And there she was, just a few hours after we got there, curled up on the couch with her Grandpa.

Since that trip, I have spoken on the phone and through Facebook to Melissa and Danny, Peanut's grandparents in Tennessee. several times.  Her grandma calls to check in on Peanut a couple times a week, and her grandpa will text or call when he wants to see how Peanut is doing.  They care about her so much, and Peanut sure does know it.

Yesterday, Melissa and Danny came to Arkansas for Melissa's parent's 50th wedding anniversary.  I was invited to that celebration.  It could have just been Peanut that was invited, but it wasn't.  Which brings me to the point of this entire post.

Ever since C's family has found out about Peanut, not a single one of them has treated me as "Peanut's mom".  I'm not just the person that brought her in to this world.  I have been treated as a part of the family.  I've had great conversations with Peanut's Aunt Kim, I've spent hours on the phone with Melissa and Danny, I've taken the kids over for visits to Kyle and Mel's house, and not a single one of them have ever, EVER, treated me as anything less than family.

Yesterday was another situation that proved how amazingly awesome these people are.  We were invited to a 50th wedding anniversary, with many people I'd never met in my life.  I was introduced to several family members as Peanut's mom, and the minute they found out who I was, I was hugged and welcomed in to the family.  Peanut's great-grandmother, Melissa's mom, gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming.  Peanut's aunts, that I hadn't met up until that point, all gave me big hugs and told me how thankful they were that I reached out and allowed Peanut to meet them all.  Not a single minute I was there did I feel out of place, awkward, or anything less than another member of the family.

During this whole experience, I have expected to feel out-of-place, awkward, and just weird.  I have expected C's family to be a little weird with me, not really sure how to treat me and the long-lost family member they never knew about.  What I didn't expect is to have so many amazing people go out of their way to make me feel comfortable and to open themselves up so much for Peanut.

It's sad for me to admit that Peanut has had moments where she's regretted making contact with her father.  It just hasn't gone the way she thought it would.  They've spoken a few times on Facebook, he's met her once, and the contact has been very sparse.  That has been extremely hard on Peanut.  However, one thing she has told me is that she does NOT regret getting the chance to meet all of her family members and building relationships with them.  And, I couldn't agree with her more.  I was extremely nervous and unsure about the whole thing, but all of these amazing people that you see in that photo have made this time so easy for Peanut and I both.

Last night, we got to hang out some more with Danny, Melissa, Kyle, and Mel and Peanut was so relaxed and comfortable with them all.  She loved being curled up on the couch with her grandma, answering all of the questions that her grandma had for her.  Peanut and I had discussed going to Tennessee for Christmas, but up until yesterday Peanut wasn't so sure about it.  She had told me that Christmas is her favorite time of the year, and she wasn't so sure she wanted to be upset about a short visit with her father.  Well, after yesterday, she's told me that she DEFINITELY wants to go for Christmas, just so she can spend some time with her grandparents.  It was hard for Peanut to say goodbye to them both, last night, and now she's excited to see them again in a little over a month.

So, today, I'm so thankful for this extension to our family.  Peanut has been so blessed with some amazing people in her life, and I'm honored and thankful that they have accepted me in that "package".  Not just that, but it absolutely amazes me how quickly they have accepted Butter and Jelly in as family, too.  Jelly has declared that her favorite cousin is Kyle and Mel's daughter.  They play so well together, and act as though they've been family their whole lives.  Butter has soaked up the "manly" relationships he's built with Danny and Kyle.  Kyle has promised to take Butter hunting for the first time in his life, and Butter just couldn't be happier.

It just goes to show how wonderful all of these people are.  The relationships I have built, and continue to build, with these awesome people is something to be very thankful for.  Not everyday do you find out that you have a long-lost great-granddaughter, granddaughter, or niece.  Yet, their only complaint is that they've had to wait fourteen years to know.  Which is understandable.  Had I known that none of them knew about her, things would have been a lot different over the past fourteen years.  But, I can't turn back time.  What I can do is be thankful that they are all so excited to get to know her now, and that they have done such an amazing job of showing Peanut and me how much of an awesome family they are and how blessed we are to have them in our lives now.  And that is something to be truly thankful for.

Have a wonderful Sunday, everyone!

Crazy, Busy Week

I can't believe it's already Wednesday.  It feels like I was just sitting here and it was Sunday morning.  It seems so crazy that we're half way through this week already, and that's probably because this week has been non-stop.  

Monday night I drove to Lamar, Missouri for a football game.  Unfortunately, Butter couldn't play because he suffered a concussion at practice on Friday which put him out of commission for a week.  He still has to be at the game, though, standing on the sidelines with his team.  It was a great game though, and I'm glad I got to see it.  His team pulled a great 44-30 win over the Lamar Tigers.  Being that Lamar is almost two hours away from where we live, we didn't get home until 11:30 that night.  Talk about exhausted.  It's why I didn't write a blog yesterday.  I needed a little more than four hours of sleep, so I stayed in bed for an extra hour.

Yesterday evening it was our Family Night at school.  It's my favorite Family Night of the year, because we have fire pits, ghost stories, hot dogs, and s'mores.  The kids absolutely love it, and we always have a great turn out.  I heard we had over 500 families in attendance last night, which is fantastic.  For the first time, we joined forces with the primary school.  They provided some craft activities for the kids to do, and I know that my three kids had a fun time.  I did what I always do at Family Nights and worked with the rest of the 4th grade team in the food area.  We got all the plates loaded with the fixings everyone needed for their hotdogs and s'mores.  But, as much fun as it was, we still didn't get home until after 8:30.  I was ready for bed the minute I walked in the front door.

This evening, we have a staff meeting and then I have class.  So, another late night.  Due to all of the craziness that has ensued since my last class, I have still yet to do my homework.  Not a great example to set for myself, but it's hard to get stuff done when I'm gone every night here, there, and everywhere.  As much as I don't like homework, I know it's something that has to be done.  It's also a great way for me to empathize with my students.  I try and give them time during the day to work on homework, which is something I don't always have the luxury of having.  Most weeks, I work on my homework while I'm waiting for Butter to finish football practice.  Haven't had a chance to do that this week.  But, like I tell my kids all the time:  Excuses are like underwear, everyone has them and they all stink.  I'll get the homework done.  

Tomorrow morning, I have my weigh-in for the weight loss contest.  I have not had a good week this week.  I haven't splurged or gone crazy, but I've had a really hard time getting the scale to do down.  I even saw a gain this morning, which has really upset me.  It's always disheartening to see a gain after trying to be mindful of what I eat.  But, I'm not completely innocent.  I haven't drank as much water this week, and I did graze a little during family night last night.  I didn't go crazy, but I probably could have done without the hotdog and graham crackers that I ate.  

Today, I'm going to try and "cleanse" in preparation for tomorrow.  Plenty of water and veggies for me today.  I'm going to avoid carbs and anything heavy for today, and hope that it helps a little bit with the weigh-in tomorrow morning.  And this upcoming week, I'm going to just have to work a lot harder to make sure I have a big loss next week.  I may have to pay a dollar tomorrow, but I hope that by next week I'll be seeing a good loss on the scale.  

Tomorrow evening, it will be another late night as we have to drive to Mt. Vernon, Missouri for another football game.  Once again, Butter will be standing on the sidelines.  It figures that the week that we have to drive over an hour away to watch the game, he can't play.  But, that's the life of a football mom.. you do what ya gotta do. But, it'll be yet another night of not being home until after 11PM.

Friday, I'm not sure what's happening yet.  Peanut may be going to a debate contest.  If that's the case she'll be gone doing that, and I'll be able to come home at a reasonable time and sit on my couch for the first time in a week.  If not, we'll be going to the last high school home game of the season and not getting home until late, once again.

I was supposed to work the Arkansas vs. Alabama football game on Saturday, but because everything has been so crazy busy this past week I dropped out from going.  I have a big project due for school next Wednesday, and I just can't afford to spend the entire Saturday working a football game.  I hate letting people down, but I have to prioritize.  I've worked two games, which is the requirement for parents, so it's not like I haven't pulled my weight.  I'll be working a couple of games in November, too, so I feel like skipping this game isn't going to hurt.  I didn't sign up for the other game that's happening this month, so that now means I have an entire month without having to give up an entire Saturday to work a football game.  I'm kinda excited by that.  

This weekend, I'm sure I'll be so exhausted from this week I'll just enjoy some down time.  In between working on my project and my regular weekend "teacher duties", I plan on going out for a nice walk/jog this weekend, and start the exercise promise.  Something I was supposed to do this week, but well...you know.  

Despite all this crazy, busy stuff, I'm still having a FANTASTIC time in my classroom.  The kids are enjoying themselves, and this week we've started learning a little about vets.  I made the kids name tags that looks like something a vet would actually wear, they have been bringing stuffed animals to school, and we've been discussing some of the stuff vets have to do in order to prepare for working with animals.  

Yesterday, I made up an invoice sheet with some basic supplies that a vet's office may order.  The kids had to multiply how many units of each item was being purchased, how much each item would be, and the total cost of the order.  I threw in adding tax and shipping, and then threw in some subtraction in the form of an account credit.  The kids all found it very challenging, but they were dedicated in getting it completed.  Today, they are going to handle some billing situations.  I'll make up some scenarios where animals receive different services, and they will have to figure out how much the patients have to be charged for the services.  Real world application at it's finest, right there!

Being that October is Disability Awareness Month, we are going to learn about service animals today.  They are going to hear how guide dogs are trained, and the services they provide to blind people.  They will also get to see how certain animals are used as therapy animals for people with other disabilities.  I think it'll be a great connection to what we're learning about.

OK, I guess that's it for me today.  I need to go and get ready for another busy, fun day.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!

Thank Goodness for Facebook

This morning I realized one very important thing when it comes to Facebook.  Whether you love it or hate it, it does serve a purpose.  That purpose being that it allows people to find out stuff you wouldn't find out unless you have Facebook.

Recently, a few people have told me about finding out personal stuff through Facebook that has shocked them.  Long held secrets, finding family members, connecting with school friends you haven't seen in years, and big announcements.

Just a few days ago, I connected with C's ex-wife who found out about Peanut being C's child through Facebook just a couple of weeks ago.  Well, actually, Peanut's half sister finding out about Peanut and then relaying that information to her mother.  

That was a bit of news C's ex-wife wasn't expecting.  I mean, she wasn't angry at me, or Peanut... the exact opposite in fact.  We were able to have a great chat, and I appreciate her reaching out to me.  But, I can only imagine her shock to find out that her daughter isn't the oldest daughter of her ex-husband and that her daughters had a 14 year old sister walking around.  I can imagine it was even more shocking to Peanut's sister.  That's not something she planned on seeing or finding out about on her father's FB page, I'm sure.  

We got to meet Peanut's little sister when we went to Tennessee.  And it was there where I found out about how she had found out her sister existed.  It made me a little upset that she had to find out that way.  I mean, it's great that C wanted to put pictures on his FB of Peanut and share with the world his excitement on connecting with his long-lost daughter... but he I thought he might have told his other daughters about it first.  Peanut has three other half sisters, and she's been able to meet two of them.  The other one we're hoping to meet when we go back in October.

This morning, I got to feel exactly what it feels like to find out important news on Facebook.  

Thanks to a post on Facebook, I got to find out that my youngest sister had her baby this morning.  I didn't even know it was time for her to have her baby.  So, I guess I'm an aunt again.  Thanks for the news, FB!

Not that I can be angry or upset finding out that way.  I mean, I haven't spoken to my mother or my sister in several months, now.  I knew that I would eventually see the news at some point posted on FB.. but now that I have seen the news, I now know what it feels like to find out the "important stuff" through social media.  It stings. 

Now my mother has her new grandbaby.  The long anticipated grandbaby.  I'm sure both of my parents are ecstatic about the new arrival, and I'm happy for them.  I'm sure the little guy will be very happy.  I just hope I am able to break the news to my own children before they see it on Facebook.  I'd like to be the one to tell them, rather than them finding out something like that by scrolling through their newsfeed this morning.

What would some of us do without Facebook?  I mean, really.  

Peanut probably wouldn't have connected with her bio-dad if it weren't for FB.  I wouldn't have been able to connect with all of his family.  I wouldn't still have some contact with people I went to school with.  I wouldn't be able to keep up with the lives of family members that live in England.  And I wouldn't find out about my sister giving birth to her first child. 

It really is a miraculous piece of technology, if you really think about it.  Most people get their news about the world through the internet, so it makes sense that people also get their news about their family and friends in the same manner.  

I often wonder if my mother ever checks up on me through FB.  Does she know all about Peanut and her recent family adventures?  Does she know about me being in graduate school?  Does she ever wonder how her other grandchildren are doing, and use FB to find out?  Is she even able to do that stuff being that we aren't even friends on FB and I keep all of my stuff private to friends only?

I mean, I wouldn't have found out about my sister's baby unless my aunt (that I am still friends with) hadn't posted it.  I saw her post about my sister going in to have the baby, and then saw another post from my sister confirming that the baby had arrived.  

I know that some people will read this and then question me as to why I don't just bury the hatchet if stuff like this bothers me.  But, it's really not that simple.  I guess some people will think of it as a pride thing...not being the one to "cave in" first.  That's not it.  It really isn't.  I'm still hurt, I'm still angry, and I still have my reasons as to why I believe that this separation in our relationship is necessary.  I have really learned a lot about myself and my family's relationship during this feud.  I have become a stronger person and a better mother.  I look at the relationship my mother and I have and use it to drive my own decisions with my children, to ensure they never feel the way I feel.

I just broke the news to Peanut about my sister, and I'm not surprised about seeing the hurt on her face.  My sister and Peanut used to be very close, and I know it upsets her that they don't have any form of a relationship left.  Deep down, it's why I think it meant so much to Peanut to reach out and connect with C's family.  Because she wants grandparents that love and support her, that make her feel important.  She has expressed to me how grateful she is for P-Momma being a grandmother to her, but I know she felt like she was missing out on that connection with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that she used to enjoy so much.  

Butter has also felt the weight of the argument.  His granddad means the world to him, as does my brother.  But, because the women in the family can't get along, he's had to suffer the backlash.  My dad also stopped any contact with me after my mom and my falling out, even though I have absolutely nothing against my father or any ill feelings toward him.  Butter has been the one to be pushed in to the crossfire because of that.  Thankfully, Butter stays in contact with my brother... and even though my brother really wants us all to let everything go so he can have his nephew back in his life again, he understands my decisions and decided to stay talking to Butter through phone calls and text messages.  

Jelly, thankfully, hasn't had to deal with too much of all of this.  After my mom adopted my niece and nephew, Jelly never really spent much time at my parent's house.  It's a sad truth that Jelly looks to P-Momma as her grandma, and P-Momma has returned the sentiments.  Jelly absolutely ADORES that woman, and her "Grammy" is her everything.  Jelly's always asking to go and see her and spend time with her, something she never really did when it came to my own mother.

At the end of the day, though, this is about Facebook...and finding out about important stuff.  It is what it is.  We all choose our own paths when it comes to family and relationships.  But, thankfully Facebook is there to help keep a window in to the lives of people we have distanced ourselves from... for whatever reasons.  

Regardless of family drama, I'm happy for my sister.  I know that she will be happy and that her baby will be well taken care of.  I'm happy that my parents now have another grandchild.  A grandchild they can help raise, and be there for, and apart of his life.  That's good.  I'm happy for all of them.  I will remain on this side of the window, looking in from time to time.  

OK, I should probably go and wake the other two kids up and get ready for work.  It's my class day, so it'll be another late night for me.

Have a great day, everyone!!

September Rain

I woke up this morning at 4AM, took a shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and went out to my spot on the patio.  I was pleasantly surprised to feel cool air on my face as I stepped outside, and then realized it was raining.

I didn't know it was going to rain, but I'm glad it did.  We needed some cooler air around here.  But when it rains, I also go in to one of those deep, melancholy states of mind where I start thinking about stuff and letting thoughts take over my brain.

It's funny that a certain type of weather can have that affect.  I can be totally fine...my happy, chipper self, and then some rain starts falling and so do the thoughts.  Ramming inside my brain, crawling out of their hiding spots, and drilling away at me.  Usually it's stuff I'm trying to bury away, and sometimes it's stuff I haven't thought about in forever.  

This morning has been a good morning to let things swell up inside.  The music in the car for the drive home from taking Peanut to her debate thing, then sitting on the patio, now pounding away at my keyboard.  My music, the patio, and this blog are my refuges.  My safe havens.  The tools I use to think, process. and release whatever thoughts are playing in my brain.

Today they are not bad thoughts, or painful ones.  I'm happy.  Life is good.  I'm a bit stressed out, but not to the point where it's causing frustration or sadness.  I'm overwhelmed, but not to the point where I'm doubting myself or thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I'm sure that the stress and the overwhelming feeling, despite how low-leveled that they are, are adding to my daydreamy, deep thinking mindset this morning.  It's really why this blog is so important to me, because without it I'm sure that the slight stressful, overwhelming feelings mixed with other random thoughts that pop in to my head would start to swirl out of control and eventually lead me to feeling down when I really have no reason to be.

Today, I'm just thinking about life in general.  It still blows my mind each time I have these thoughts about how far I've come.  Ten years ago, if someone had told me that I'd be a teacher on the road to getting her Master's Degree, I'd have probably laughed at them.  I would have told them that was a nice thought, but miles off from reality.  Ten years ago, I thought I was heading for a life filled with hardships, loneliness, and just making sure my kids' needs were met.  

Now look at me.  Mother, college graduate, teacher, home owner, and student once again.  

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I've heard several times how proud I have made certain people.  People I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS, yet are amazed and ecstatic for how my life turned out.  Proud that I overcome the battles I faced and made something with my life.  

And it still amazes me how much it means to me to hear that I made someone proud.

I have always craved that pride from my own parents, yet always fell short of getting it.  I'm sure my mother is proud of me, maybe.  I don't know.  That's still a hard situation.  I haven't had any contact with my mom since the whole ordeal that caused us to stop speaking.  I have no idea if she even knows I'm now in graduate school pursuing my master's.  I have no idea what she has to say about it, or if she even cares.  

P-Momma has always delivered on giving me the encouragement and pride that I've craved for so long.  She's never fell short or reminding me how far I've come, and how amazingly strong I am for taking on so much and still being able to keep a smile on my face.  And, I'll probably never be able to show her how much it means to me.  To be the mother I need, standing by my side through thick and thin, always a phone call away if I need a shoulder to cry on, a few words of truth, or just an "atta girl" for doing what I do.

Now, I have a few more people that have been fueling up my ego.  C's family has been delivering praise on me left, right, and center...and I won't lie and tell you that I haven't enjoyed that.  It's been really nice to hear so many compliments.  It's just hard when I realize that those same words of praise aren't delivered by the one person who should be giving them to me.  But, regardless, I definitely don't feel in short supply of love and support.  

One thing I've really thought about this morning are my own children.  Am I who I am because I don't have a good relationship with my own mother?  Are my kids that more important to me, and my number one priority, because I never EVER want them to feel in short supply of love and praise?  Maybe, maybe not.  I just hope that I'm showing them what a mother should be like.  That I'm giving them everything they need to make good decisions with their lives, and that they'll always be able to rely on me no matter what.  

I think I'm doing a pretty good job.  I have a daughter that is far beyond her years.  She has such amazing maturity, level-headiness, and a drive to succeed in life.  I have a son that has gone through Hell and back over the course of the past few years, but is now a strong, loving, amazing boy.  He has passion and drive to make people smile, has a kind heart, and has made me so proud already for how much he's overcome.  Then there's my youngest daughter.  So young, yet so smart.  So loving, so playful, so carefree.  She has a smile that lights up the whole room, and a hug that can melt all the bad in the world.  

I'd like to think that they are who they are because of the love and support I've shown them.  That they are happy, well-rounded, and loving because that's what I've instilled in to them.  

Life hasn't always been easy for them, yet you'd never think that now.  They cease the moments, grab life by the horns, and enjoy the rides.  

At the end of the day, no matter how hard life gets, I know that they will always know how much I love them, how proud I am of them, and that I will always be there for them.... thick or thin, big or small, always.  

And that's how it should be.

Love is something that has no boundaries.  No one can ever have too much love in their life.  I am a firm believer in that.  I still crave love, need love, and welcome love from anyone that gives it.  I am a sucker for some attention, let me tell you.  Sometimes, I forget about my own needs because I'm so focused on giving my love to my children.  But, then I remember the people who don't have to, but offer their love to me willingly.  P-Momma, Hubby, C's family, my work family, Sanity, Hope, all people in my life that lift me up, keep me focused, and reinforce my ability to believe in myself.  

So, before I go, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs, and can change the lyrics ever so slightly to keep me going...

When my fears subside

And shadows still remain

I know that you can love me

When there's no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness

We can still find a way

'Cause nothing lasts forever

Even cold September rain

I just want to take this chance to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who have supported me, cheered me on, and been there for me.  I think of you, this morning, and I'm reminded how much love I have in my life and what gives me the love in my heart to pass on to my own children.  I love you all.

Have a great Saturday, everyone!

Back on Our Home Turf

Well, we made it home safe and sound.  We pulled in the driveway a little before 7PM last night.  It was a long trip and I was absolutely EXHAUSTED by the time we got home.  I didn't expect it to be such a hard trip home.  Not hard as in driving problems, hard as in emotionally hard and draining.   

D woke us up bright and early yesterday morning so that he could say goodbye before he left for his fishing trip.  That was hard.  I teared up when he hugged me, and I realized how much I was really going to miss him.  Peanut came out of her slumber for a few minutes to get her hug goodbye, and it really meant a lot to her.  Unlike her though, once D left I wasn't able to go back to sleep.  I just had too much on my mind, and I just couldn't do it.  

After I wrote yesterday's blog, in tears, I decided to get dressed and then woke up Peanut.  She got dressed and then we headed on over to L's hotel so that we could have some breakfast and say goodbye to her.  I was an absolute emotional wreck.  Just opening my mouth to speak caused a lump in my throat.. I don't know what was the matter with me.  I mean, I spent two days with people I haven't seen in 15 years, why on earth was I so dang upset about leaving?  But I was.  So upset.  I knew I was going to miss L, miss D, and be sad that we only had such a short visit.  

We finally made our way to the car, in tears, and ready to head out for our drive home around 9AM.

The first couple of hours were hard.  Peanut and I listened to the songs that I had shared with Peanut as being meaningful to her father and my relationship.  A bit of backstory on that...

While her dad and I were together, there were a few songs that were "our songs".  We listened to them every night.  After C and I started this whole process with him connecting with Peanut, I made a playlist of them so that I could share them with Peanut and talk about the old times.  A kind of window in to our relationship.  Back then, they were just songs that we both really liked and we went to sleep each night with those same songs, and over the course of our short relationship became very meaningful to me.  Now, the words of those songs rip a hole straight in to my heart.  There's so much power in every word to every one of those songs.  They were almost like an eerie foreshadowing.  

So, we listened to every one of those songs and some new ones that I've collected over the past couple of months that remind me of him.  I know that sounds bad, or weird even... but the sad truth is C and I had an amazing relationship.  It was a good, loving relationship that made us both happy.  The fact that it was ripped from us has always been with me, and I've never shaken it away.  It's one thing to break up with someone cause things aren't working out, it's totally different when the boy you love with all your heart is ripped away from you...never to be seen again...without a word of notice.  So, yeah, I still hold some very strong feelings in my heart for him.  I don't think they will ever go away.

Back to driving home...

I'm driving along with each of those songs playing, and me trying my hardest to relive certain moments of our past relationship for Peanut, both of us bawling our little hearts out.  Thank goodness we had good weather driving home, because seeing through tear filled eyes is tough.  Peanut told me how much she'd loved meeting her grandparents, and her dad... and we discussed what I thought life would be like had our relationship been left alone without being interfered with.  

That's a tough conversation to have.  I mean, I am a strong believer in everything happening for a reason.  I am also a tough proponent for not ever wanting to change my past, because each moment in my past has led me to where I am today.  I have two other amazingly wonderful children that wouldn't be with me right now, had things gone differently between C and me.  

But...

Do I think C and I would have tried our best to make it work?  Yes.  I do.  Do I think C and I would have made it through having a baby at such a young age?  Yes. I do.  Would I have liked the opportunity to try?  Yes.  I would have.  Because I know that both of us loved each other, and both of us were happy despite being so scared.  Not just that, but I know that we would have had a good support system to help us along the way.  I mean, his family are pretty freakin' great.  I know they wouldn't have stood by and let us struggle too much.  But, because of one certain family member who decided to pull the plug without even giving us a chance, we never got to try.  And life worked out the way it did.

Sometimes I wonder if everything would have been easier if we had just ended our relationship.  That it had been our choice.  Feelings would have been sorted, dealt with.  But, even after fifteen years, I still can't help but wonder what life would have been like simply because we didn't get that choice.  

Anywho, the tears finally disappeared once we got close to Memphis (almost 3 hours in to our trip).  We didn't cry the whole time.  We laughed, I shared, we cried, and then laughed some more because I remembered a funny story to share that was somehow related to one of those songs.  

We had made one stop at a truck stop by then, to sort ourselves out a little and so that we could try and find some souvenirs for everyone.  In the two days we'd been in Tennessee, we'd somehow forgotten to do any shopping for anyone.  Thankfully, D and L had helped us out and given Peanut some pretty awesome gifts for Butter and Jelly.  But, we still wanted something specific from Tennessee to give them.  Unfortunately, we were only able to find some TN hats at the truck stop, so we bought one for Butter and K (C's brother).  Peanut thought he needed one too.  

So, we thought we'd try again in Memphis right before we crossed the state line back in to Arkansas.  Unfortunately, it decided to POUR rain down the minute we drove in to Memphis, which caused me not to be able to see, and then we spent about 30 minutes driving around trying to find our way back on to the interstate.  And in that whole time, we didn't find one place that sold TN souvenirs.  

We finally gave up, and just decided to continue driving on home.  We made a stop just outside of Little Rock, and opted for some toys for Jelly instead of a state-specific souvenir.  We also decided to grab some dinner, so that added even more time on to our journey home.

After ten hours of being on the road, we finally pulled in to the driveway.  It felt so good to be home, but I was still a little sad that it all had to end so quickly.  Once Peanut and I got inside, we handed out the gifts and Butter and Jelly were so excited with what they got.  Butter got a GIANT banner that was signed by Toby Keith (thanks to "PawPaw" D), and Jelly got a make-up set (thanks to Grandma L).  I gave Butter his TN hat, and Jelly the Frozen backpack and Frozen beauty sets we'd picked up on the way home.  

After I got everything unpacked and I'd sat down for a while, it wasn't long before my behind was ready for bed.  It was a little after 9PM.  I don't even remember my head touching the pillow, and I didn't wake up again until my alarm went off at 4:30AM.  

It's currently POURING down rain, and storming.  Peanut and I took the rain to Tennessee with us, and apparently we brought it home again.  It is nice, though, to spend a few minutes sitting out on the covered patio listening to the rain.  I guess I should think about going inside to get ready, though.  Life is now back to normal, and I need to get my head back to normal.  

It was definitely one of the best long weekends I've had.  Ever.  I've already started a countdown to the next long weekend we'll be going back.  Just a little under two months and we'll get to do it all over again.  

But, right now, I need to focus on here.  Now.  Try to, anyway.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!

Big Weekend Plans!!!

                           

Well, I've been back at work for two full weeks, so it seems fitting that we get an extra day off this weekend to celebrate.  I've worked very hard these past two weeks, and it's time for a break.  It's going to be awhile before I get another "extra" day off, so I plan on enjoying this weekend.

Normally for Labor Day weekend, I'd be sitting at home, relaxing, doing some work, cleaning house, and all the other stuff I usually do on the weekends...but just for an extra day.  But NOT THIS LABOR DAY WEEKEND!

This time, I'm taking a mini-vacation.  Well, Peanut and I are taking a mini-vacation.  

At about 3:30AM tomorrow morning, Peanut and I will be loading up the car and taking a nine hour drive to Tennessee.  A state neither Peanut or I have ever visited.  We will be staying until Monday morning, and then driving the nine hours back, ready to go back to work/school on Tuesday.  And, I'm sure that Tuesday morning I'll be utterly and completely EXHAUSTED.

Peanut and I are making the trek to Tennessee so that she can meet her grandparents, and hopefully her dad.  It's the first time in her life she'll be meeting any of them.  I am both excited and extremely nervous.  

I am very excited we get to make this trip, and that we get to see her grandparents.  I'm very nervous about how things will go with meeting her dad, and pray to all things holy that Peanut has a good experience and enjoys the time with him.  

Since C (Peanut's dad) got back with his psycho ex (PE), there has been no communication made between him and Peanut.  Not that I'm surprised, he told us what happens when they are together and how she destroys the relationships he has with friends and family.  Why he puts up with that is something that still baffles me, but I know he has his reasons...and he's shared them with me.  I guess I can understand them in a warped kind of way, but unfortunately for PE, she has no idea what Peanut is like when she has her heart set on something.

This trip has been planned since before C and PE got back together.  I really thought that Peanut would want to cancel the trip after they got back together, but she didn't.  As she said, there are other people in Tennessee that she has her heart set on meeting, and if PE thinks she'll keep Peanut away from her dad she has another thing coming.

One thing I'm very proud that my daughter inherited from me is my strong will.  There's not a weak bone in her body.  Like her mother, when she has her eye on something, she goes for it full force whether the outcome is good or bad.  She fights for what she believes in, she fights for what she wants, and she doesn't give up until she has it.  That's definitely my blood coursing through her veins, that's for sure.  

But as proud as I am of her strong will and desire to finally meet her biological father, I'm scared to death that she's going to somehow get hurt from the whole ordeal.  I know that she will absolutely ADORE her grandparents.  They are good, loving people.  They will cherish the time they get to spend with their granddaughter, and both grandparents have told me how crazy excited they are to finally get to meet her.  I know they will also do everything in their power to make sure things go smoothly between Peanut and C.  That he shows up to meet her, and that he gets to spend a little time with her.  I think both Peanut and C need that time face to face.  He needs to see what an amazing, beautiful, strong, smart, and loving daughter he has.  She needs to see the man she's dreamed about since she was old enough to know that she'd never met her biological father.  I know that both of them want the same outcome, but whether or not that will happen only time and this trip will tell.

All I know is that after work today, I get to take the kids to part of the home football game and hopefully get home before 9PM so that I can get some sleep before I have to get up at 3AM.  I'd much rather us not go to the game, but I promised Peanut and Butter that we could go at least for a little while.  I know that Peanut wants to go, because coming home from school and having to sit around for a few hours will just make her antsy, and it'll drive her nuts having to wait to go to bed before getting up for the trip.  It's OK for her, though, at least she can sleep in the car.  HA!  But, I'm quite used to getting about 6 hours of sleep each night, so I'm not too worried about driving for so long after not getting much sleep.  The only way to really enjoy our mini-vacation, though, is to get on the road as early as possible so that we can at least enjoy part of our Saturday in Tennessee.

Despite all the nervousness I have about the trip, I can't wait to see C's mom and step-dad.  I've only met them once in my life, but I got to spend a whole week with them when I did meet them.  It was back when C and I were together, and they lived in Cocoa Beach, Florida.  It was my first trip outside the state of Arkansas, and my first and only time I've ever been to Florida in my life.  I remember that trip like it happened a few weeks ago. I remember the condo they lived in, I remember going to the beach, I remember visiting NASA, I remember seeing alligators walking up and down the road, I remember singing karaoke in a small restaurant, I remember hearing the space shuttle come back in to the atmosphere during the middle of the night and thinking that a bomb had gone off down the road.  I also remember how wonderful both C's mom and step-dad were to me, and how much I enjoyed spending time with them.  And, now I get to do it again some 15 years later in a different state.  

I've spoken to C's mom and step-dad quite a bit in the last couple of weeks, and they talk to me like there is no 15 year gap since the last time we saw each other.  Not that I'm surprised.  That just goes to show how amazingly awesome they are.  Family is important to them, and they have shown that with every phone call, text message, and Facebook message I've received from them.  Regardless what happens with C, I know the time with C's mom and step-dad will be amazing, and Peanut will come home having two grandparents she absolutely adores.  That I know without a shadow of doubt.  

So, today I plan on getting through all that needs to be done, going to the football game for a while, and then coming home and preparing for the adventure that awaits.  

I'm excited.  I'm ready.  It's going to be a GREAT three-day weekend.

Have a great Friday, everyone!!

Family Fun, and More Chip Talk

                               

OK, so before I tell you about the fun I had yesterday, I need to make a semi recant of the opinion post I wrote yesterday.  If you remember, I wrote about how horrible the new Lay's Cappuccino flavored chips were.  I also stated that I doubted that the Mango Salsa would be any good.  That's the part I need to recant.  I got to try them yesterday, and they weren't just good.. they were AMAZING.  I was shocked to put a chip in my mouth that tasted so strongly of a fruit, yet still taste so delicious.  I also tried the Wasabi Ginger, and they were also pretty good.  But, right now, my favorite by far are the Mango Salsa.  They have a sweet Mango kick followed by a mild spice punch.  

I love Mango Salsa, and these chips come very close to having an authentic Mango Salsa flavor.  And, being that I've eaten chips with a Mango Salsa dip before, it makes sense to have a chip with this flavor.  This one, Lay's, you nailed on the head.  I'm going to be very sad when they aren't available anymore.  The Wasabi Ginger have a good flavor, but I think they'd have been better made on regular or wavy chips, and not the Kettle Corn version.  But, I'd eat them again.  

And now that part is over, I can get to talking about my Saturday. 

Yesterday, I did a whole lot of lazing around the house and then Butter, Jelly and I went swimming for a while.  It seems as if summer has finally hit our neck of the woods, giving us temps in to the upper 90s, with heat indexes in the 100s.  We didn't have that kind of weather during summer break.  But, now that it's here, we might as well enjoy the pool..finally.  We spent a couple of hours swimming, playing, and relaxing in the water.  The water was perfect....cool and refreshing.  

After swimming, I made some spaghetti for everyone to eat, and then I had to head out to pick up Peanut from her uncle's house.  I took Butter and Jelly along for the ride, because they also love going to Peanut's uncle's house.  

Peanut went over to her uncle and aunt's house Friday night.  Her Uncle K wanted to take her kayaking, as she's never been before.  They all said they had a great time, and Peanut told me that it's definitely something she'd love to do again...and again...and again.  Which is probably music to K's ears, because he loves kayaking.  In fact, we've already started thinking about going camping together when the weather cools down a little.  

I, also, had a great time going over there.  I love K's and M's (Peanut's aunt) company.  We can sit around talking, laughing, and having a great time.  Butter loves to hear anything and everything fishing and hunting, and K has plenty to talk about when it comes to those things.  I love talking to M about kids and life and just generally goofing off and making fun of men.  Jelly has a blast playing with her cousin that is just a little younger than her.  They are like two peas in a pod together, and I don't hardly hear or see her the whole time we're there, because she's off playing.  

We were there for a couple of hours, but time sure does fly when you're having fun.  It seemed like we'd only just got there when I looked at the clock and realized it was after 9:30PM.  Being that they live an hour away, we had to get on the road so that we could make it home before 11PM.

I have to say in all the excitement of Peanut getting to meet her dad's side of the family, K and M have really gone above and beyond to show Peanut that she is family.  Not that the rest of the family hasn't, they have all been super nice to her and reach out to talk to her often, but Peanut has really clicked with her uncle.  She adores him, and he adores her.  She knows that she can pick the phone up at any time and he'll be at the other end to talk, or gladly opens up his home for her if she just wants to hang out with him.  The same goes for her Aunt M.  And with some of the stuff she's dealing with right now, I don't think K and M realize how much it means to Peanut to have them there for her whenever she needs them.  

And, what makes me love them even more than just being there for Peanut is the fact that even though they are only Peanut's family, they have NEVER made Butter or Jelly feel like they aren't family too.  Peanut may get to go off and spend time with them alone, but K and M have told Butter and Jelly that they'll also get their chance to do fun things with THEIR Uncle K and Aunt M.  Butter is going to get to go fishing and hunting with K, and Jelly is going to get to spend the night with her little cousin.  

And that, folks, is what family is all about.  Looking beyond the bloodline, and accepting everyone in the family unit.  

Peanut loves having the chance to have her own piece of the attention, and having her uncle and aunt there for her to support her.  But, I love the fact that they are fully aware that there are other kids in the house that may feel a little left out...and are OK with bringing them in on the action as well.  

I really can't say enough good things about K and M.  They have been an absolute God send to Peanut, and it's so great to see her getting out of her room and going out to try new things with them. They are really helping fill the void that Peanut has with her dad.  I wish I could say that things were going as well with him, but they're not.  I'm not going to elaborate more than that, except to say that without them I don't think Peanut would be coping half as well as she is.  That means so much to me... more than they'll ever know.  

I just hope that if one day, Peanut can have HALF the relationship she has with her dad that she has with her Uncle K, things will be just about perfect for Peanut.  I'm not sure that will ever happen, but I do know that Uncle K and Aunt M will NEVER leave Peanut hanging, and Peanut will always have them there for her.  

And that means the world to me.  And Peanut.

OK, I need to get around and get some things done, today.  I hope everyone is having a great weekend, and is ready for the new work week.

Have a great Sunday, everyone!

Ready for Normalcy

                          

Yesterday was my very last day of summer break.  It's over.  Gone.  Today begins the new journey in to a new school year, a new year of teaching, a fresh start.

Last night, I sat out on my patio looking up at that amazing Super Moon.  It was so bright and mesmerizing, and almost hypnotic.  I sat looking at it and my mind quickly began to wander and think of how ready I was for my life to get back to normal.  The crazy.  The busy.  The sometimes frantic.  But, normal.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind, that's for sure.  I got to reconnect with a friend I haven't seen in 15 years, Peanut finally spoke to her dad for the first time in her life, and everything just seemed to be going great.  But, that all changed about a week ago.  I've kept quiet about it, because I was trying so hard to focus on getting my classroom back in order, and not wanting to bring myself down.

A little over a week ago, Peanut's dad stopped communicating with Peanut and me.  Not out of malice or because he just decided he didn't want to speak to us anymore, but because his crazy ex was making his life miserable for him and Peanut and he thought it best to do what he could to stop it.  I think he made the wrong choice in how he decided to deal with it, but there's not really much I can do about it.  Both Peanut and I have accepted the situation.  It just breaks my heart that he has to chose to do something like that because there's a woman that has such severe issues.  She has the worst case of separation anxiety I've ever seen.  She felt the need to start messaging Peanut and posting jealous laden comments on his Facebook page about her.  Just sad and infuriating all at the same time.  The woman is so messed up in her head that she's actually jealous of him having a relationship with his daughter.  

Peanut is handling it like a champ, but I know how disappointed she is.  I mean, she only waited her whole life to connect with her biological father.  I know the pain I felt from him being ripped from me 15 years ago, so I know how she feels with him being ripped from her now.  I know it's not the end, and that it's only a temporary "break", but it's still tough.  On both of us.  I just hope and pray that he's able to fix the situation soon.  It makes it a hundred times harder being that he's so far away.  Thankfully, a trip to Tennessee is in the cards for Peanut and I pretty soon, so that will hopefully mend some of the fractures.  

His family has been very supportive while this is all going on.  Peanut has been able to connect with several family members that all seem to love her, and have her back when it comes to a certain crazy ex.  She knows that they are all here for her, and will do what they can to get to know her and bring her in to the family.  That makes me happy.  Even though she can't have her dad, at this point in time, his family are going to stand by her and do what they can for her.  

In other bad news, Gizmo (Jelly's kitten) is very sick. I noticed on Saturday that he was sleeping A LOT.  Basically, he didn't move from the couch all day.  Then, yesterday morning, I noticed he was having a really hard time walking.  His back legs were all wobbly and weak.  His left eye was also completely dilated, and he wasn't eating or drinking.  We don't have an emergency vet near us, so I had to hope and pray he'd make it through until this morning so that Hubby could take him to the vet.  Last night, I was able to get Gizmo to eat some soft cat food, and I used a syringe to feed him some water.  

This morning, he's still very weak but his eye is back to normal.  He also got up to drink some water on his own, but he is still very wobbly when walking.  I couldn't get him to eat anything, but as long as he's drinking something I'm not too concerned.  There's only a couple of hours left before he can get in to the vet.  I just hope and pray that whatever it is that's wrong can be fixed.  Jelly has been by his side since yesterday, and I just know it would break her little heart if she lost Gizmo.  She has gotten very attached to that kitten, and I don't want her to have to deal with that kind of loss right now.  

I've looked up all kinds of issues that it could be: Worms, feline leukemia, brain tumor, infection.  All issues that display some of the symptoms, but not all.  Gizmo doesn't have diarrhea or bloody stools, he hasn't vomited, his belly isn't bloated, and his fur is still soft.  All symptoms that are closely related to the above conditions.  I also have to hope and pray that whatever Gizmo has isn't contagious, because it's been very tough keeping Katniss away from him.  She's been very motherly towards Gizmo, and it would kill me if she ended up catching whatever Gizmo has.  

With all this bad news, I can say that I was able to get away from it all for a while and took the kids out (minus Jelly who stayed behind to take care of Gizmo) back-to-school shopping yesterday.  Peanut, one of her best friends, Butter, and myself all loaded up in the car and went out on a hunt for some back to school bargains.  The kids were able to use the money they earned for going to summer school to buy some new clothes to get their new school year started.  I even managed to find a few things for myself.  Of course, I hate shopping for myself and everything I did buy was with the intention of trying to hide how fat my behind has become.  But, I'm on a mission starting today to shed some of this weight (again).  

Going back to school is my key to getting my life back to normal.  My fast paced lifestyle.  No time to sit around and eat junk food.  No time to sit around and lose myself in thoughts.  No time to sit around and worry about anything.  Just busy, busy, busy.  The way I like it.  

And today is the first day I get to do that.  Have my normal life back.  

While I'm always sad to see my summer come to end, I'm always excited for the new year to begin.  I was up this morning at 4:45AM, and I've been able to sit out on the patio this morning writing my blog.  Just like I do on school days.  And it's been wonderful.  I've been able to get out some stuff that's been playing on my mind, and now I'm ready to tackle this first day back.  

So, it's just about time for me to jump in the shower and get-to-getting.  I'm ready, excited, and couldn't be happier for this school year to begin.

Have a great Monday, everyone... and please keep little Gizmo in your thoughts that he is able to make a quick recovery.  

It's Time to Share the Story

                             

Over the past week, I've been sharing a little about reconnecting with my very dear friends I had fifteen years ago.  I shared how when I was sixteen, I moved out of my house and moved in with two very close friends.  And, while I left some of the story untold... I think it's time to fill in a few of the gaps I left out.  Because it's important for how the rest of the story has and will eventually unfold.  

I told you all about K and C.  The two friends that, with the support of their father, took me in to their home when I was having a rough time with my own parents.  I shared how they let me move in and treated me as part of the family.  Up until I got pregnant at 17.

But, there's one very important part of that story that I left out.  A part that explains the sudden change in our situation, forcing me to leave their home and never look back...

The father of my child happened to be C.

Yes.  K and C are males.  K and C were very close guy friends that I had back at that time.. because other than one very close female friend (the one that passed away several years ago), K and C were my best friends.  We did everything together.  At first, they were like brothers to me.  Well, K was.  He was always a brotherly figure...protecting me, talking to me, giving me a hard time every now and then like brothers do.  But, it was very, very different with C.  He was not like a brother to me...he was so much more than that.  

C and I were in love.  As much as two teenagers could be in love, I suppose.  He was my everything.. who captured my heart and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  I got butterflies each and every time he looked at me.  And a part of me believes he felt the same towards me.  Even though I'd had boyfriends before, none had ever made me feel the way C did.  I worshipped the ground he walked on, was sad when he wasn't around, and he made me feel like a queen.

While I won't share all the juicy details, we were young, in love, and...well... as a result, I got pregnant at 17.  Which resulted in, against the wishes of C and myself, his family reacting the way they did, forcing C to move away and me to move out.  

Like I said in an earlier post, I fully understand the reactions today.  I am a mother of a teenage daughter and a teenage son.  I'm sure if something like that happened to me, I'd want to protect my children.  I can't say I'd react the same way, but I fully understand why the adults who made the decisions made those decisions.  It couldn't have been easy, but they did what they thought necessary at the time.  I have let all those ill feelings go away, and hold no grudges for any parties involved.  

But, what happened back then is neither here nor there.  It happened.  I can't turn back time or change anything.  

Many people that know me have assumed that Peanut and Butter have the same dad.  They don't.  And while I understand that doesn't exactly paint a great picture of me...it is what it is.  I will not be ashamed or hide behind the situations that played out in my life.  Because, once again, every one of those situations has made me the person I am today...and I'm very proud of what I've overcome and how I turned out.

Anywho...Peanut has always known the truth.  Has known that her dad was out there somewhere, and recently it's been playing on her mind.  Which is why I was ecstatic when I was able to reach out to her biological father and let them connect.  Which is exactly what they've done.  Being that C lives so far away, they haven't been able to meet yet.. but they've at least started talking to each other.  And that's a HUGE deal to Peanut.  

But, since that moment, so much more has happened that I didn't expect.  First, K is now back in my life.  He has taken a quick liking to his niece, and they already adore each other.  He has an amazing wife and beautiful daughter. And I already adore both of them.  Yesterday, Peanut got to meet some other family members:  Her grandparents, her great uncle, and her great-grandparents.  

While I expected it to be an awkward reunion, it was the complete opposite of that.  Everyone welcomed her with open arms, and me too.  It was almost as if no time had passed at all.  Peanut got to hear tons of stories about her dad and the family...and they all made her feel very welcome.  

As I sat back and watched all the events unfold, I couldn't help but smile.  It made me remember old times, how wonderful these same people had been to me 15 years ago...treating me like I was family then, and almost picking up right where we left off now.  

And, we spent the entire day together.  After the birthday party, I took the kids back to their house, and we spent all afternoon and evening talking, laughing, and having a great time.  They opened up their homes to us and treated us ALL like we were family.  Yes, Butter and Jelly too.  

It made me realize that the past doesn't define who we are...it's our present...each decision and step we take..that is what defines us.

I can't give Peanut back the past 14 years.  Neither can C or his family.  But, everything we do from this moment on is what matters.  

It really means the world to Peanut to have all these people in her life.  To answer the questions she's had for so many years, to learn about her family, to understand everything that happened.  And while I'm sure she's a little overwhelmed with how quickly everything has happened, I can tell by the look in her eye that she's happy.  That's it brought some closure to her life...and also a new beginning.  

I am a firm believer that one can never have too much family.  We have now extended ours...and I couldn't be happier.  I have waited for 15 years for this moment to come.  And while some may think it's weird or sudden or maybe even shocked that I would be so happy... just remember, there's still a lot of the story untold.  Decisions were made over the years that I had a big part of making.  The events of our lives have unfolded the way they have because it's just they way they unfolded.  I am not asking for anyone to weigh in with their opinion, or express any concern.  This is what I've always wanted to happen...and so has Peanut.

I know that Peanut is dying to meet her dad.  And, I hope that will happen soon.  But, until then the events will play out as they play out.  She will spend time with her new-found family.  She will get to know them, and they will get to know her.  She is calling all the shots on this, and I support her decisions 100%.  

This is a new chapter to our lives that is yet to be written...and I'm ready to start filling in those blank pages.

Good thing I'm a writer, huh?  HA!

I am just taking one step at a time, and know in my heart that this is the right thing to do.  That they were brought back in to our lives for a reason.  And, I'm going to ride this roller-coaster right along side Peanut, because she's not the only one that gets to have her family extended.  I do, too.

I hope everyone has a great Sunday.