Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Underestimating My Strength


Well, I was right yesterday.  Going back to work was exactly what I needed to dust myself off and refocus my emotional energy on stuff that really matters:  My kiddos.  There's something about those seventeen cute little faces that can make the deepest frown turn upside down, and help me understand some of my priorities.

I am so proud of myself and the way I took care of business yesterday. For the first time, I finally stood my ground, stood up for myself, and refused to be brought down.  I don't have time to care what people think of me, but I also won't stand by and be judged for something I didn't do.  Not going to happen.  

People talk to me.  I am OK with that.  I feel like I can be a supportive ear to someone if they need me to be.  I listen because I care, and sometimes it can be the most help if all I do for them is listen. I don't always have to offer advice or give my two cents on a situation.  Sometimes just letting someone vent can help them understand some stuff that's going on with them.  I am to some what my blog is for me.  Just a place to let things out of my system.  But one thing I would NEVER do is take information shared with me and use it against someone.  That's just not right.  How can anyone trust a person that does something like that?  They can't.  Which is why I refuse to be one of those people.  If something is told to me in confidence, I would never use that information for my own gain.  That's just not right.

I am guilty of carrying around burdens that aren't my own.  That I do know.  I absorb problems that belong to others, and that's a strength as well as a weakness.  And there are times where I need someone to listen to me, let me vent out what's going on in my head, and trust that someone will keep that information to themselves.  However, my trust meter is damaged, and there are very few people I feel comfortable calling upon in those situations.  That's mainly because I am a very hard person to figure out, and I often feel like if I talk to someone they won't understand me.  My actions and feelings are puzzling, and that's an understatement I suppose.  I keep so much bottled up inside of me, that I'm shocked I haven't exploded from the inside out.  Which, again, is why I blog.  My cryptic, often annoying, extremely frustrating blog is my way of releasing some of my frustrations without having to spell out exactly what's going on.  I know.  I understand.  And that's what helps keep me and my emotions at a manageable level.

I am a very patient person.  In fact, I think that's probably one of my very best qualities.  I think any good teacher has to have a very large amount of patience.  Does that mean I never lose my patience? Well, no.  Of course I do.  It just takes a lot longer for that to happen with me than a lot of others I know.  But, when I am handed a challenge, it's almost impossible for me to just walk away and give up.  I may get frustrated, I may feel like giving up, and I may need to take a break for a while, but very seldom do I admit defeat and throw in the towel.  Patience is engrained in my DNA and I'm very proud of that.  And that's one of the things I don't think people quite understand about me.  How I tolerate so much, why I don't just give up, and why I can't realize when enough is enough.  No matter how many times I say I'm done, the people that know me best understand that making a statement like "I'm done" is only directed at that day.  I may be done with dealing with a situation on that day, but it doesn't mean I'm giving up completely.  It just means I need to reorganize my thoughts, gain back some strength, and come up with a new strategy.  If I gave up on everything that seemed to be a losing battle, I would never have accomplished so much in my life. The hardest battles have the biggest rewards, and/or the best lessons.  

I tell my students that almost daily.  Just because something seems impossible, doesn't mean that it is.  But, with some hard work, patience, and persistence, anything can eventually be accomplished.  It may not always work out the way we think it will, but there's always something that can be learned by a tough, almost impossible, situation.

Have I made decisions I'm not proud of?  Sure.  Have I allowed myself to be treated badly?  Sure.  Have I kept my eyes shut so that I don't have to see what's right in my face?  Sure.  But each one of those things have continued to build and ignite the strength inside me until I got to the point to understand who I am, what I'm about, and how to manage some of the challenges thrown my way.  

One thing I do need to point out is that everything I have done and am doing have been my own decisions.  They haven't always been the best decisions, but they are my own.  I continue to help because I know that I'm needed.  Like I said yesterday, when someone is pushing you away, it's usually the time they need you the most.  But, one thing I have discovered is that it's OK to push back. To stand my ground, to defend myself, and to make it perfectly clear that I'm not a punching bag.  You punch me, I'll punch back.  I was sadly mistaken in to thinking that I should be a punching bag for someone.  Letting them throw all their punches at me and absorbing them.  That's NOT how I roll.  And I'm glad that I've finally woken up to that fact.  You want to duke out your problems?  Great.  But, expect me to throw some hits in right back.  If I stand still and allow myself to be beaten down, that's not helping.  In order for someone to really bounce back from their problems, they have to understand that there's a fight involved.  Nobody can finally overcome their obstacles if someone takes all the obstacles out of the equation.  I used to think that way, but then I realized that nobody took my obstacles out my way.  I didn't gain my strength, my accomplishments, and myself by walking an easy life.  Life is hard!! It's supposed to be.  But it's also how the strong emerge and conquer.  

It's how I find my strength and ability to conquer my own obstacles.

I know that the next few months, heck possibly the next few years are going to be really tough on me.  Making the transition to being a single mom isn't easy.  Am I scared?  A little.  Do I worry?  Yes.  But, do I think what I'm about to embark on will be impossible?  Of course not!! And everything I've been through these past couple of months have helped me see that.  

I think people often underestimate me.  They think I'm weak.  They think I'm naive.  They think I'm powerless over certain situations.  They think wrong!

I know exactly what I'm doing.  I know exactly who I am.  I wasn't born yesterday.  I'm fully aware of my surroundings.  I know that it doesn't always appear that way, but trust me... I know what I'm doing.  

And do it, I will!!

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