Friday, January 30, 2015

So Glad It's Friday!!!

It has been a week, I can tell you that.  I've realized that when it rains, it most definitely pours.  I can't deal with one thing at at time, I have to be bombarded with issue after issue until eventually the rain lets up and I can see a little sunshine.

Thankfully, this week I've had a terrible storm of issues, but I've also experienced a few rays of sunshine.  So, I know that I'm going to be OK and I'm going to get through this.  No matter how many days of rain wants to try and drown me, I am realizing that I just have to ride out the storm and wait for the sun.

Last weekend, I had an AMAZING weekend.  That fell on the heels of my break up, and it was very much needed.  I got away for the whole weekend, and while I was there life was good.  No, life was great.  I was able to clear my mind, spend time with someone that I love very much and has the ability to make me very happy, and the two of us escaped the worries of our lives and had some fun.  It was awesome.

Then, we come home and I realized that the sunshine was gone and I had to go straight back in to the rain.  I was extremely sensitive and sad about having to face the real world, and it just felt like my whole world was closing in on me several times during the first couple of days this week.  I had a hard time keeping it together, which is not something I like to admit.  I don't like falling apart.  I don't like feeling like I'm losing control.  And I certainly didn't like the fact that I felt so alone during those couple of days.

Then, throw in a water pipe breaking under my house.  Throw in the fact that S couldn't fix the pipe, and now I've been without water since Wednesday.  Throw in that Butter had a 24 hour bug and had to miss school on Wednesday, and then Jelly got it yesterday, and I need to take a half day off work today because Jelly can't go back to school until she's not been sick for 24 hours, and it's a lot of issues to throw on to my plate.  

But I got through them.  I'm getting through them.

Thankfully, on Wednesday, I was able to have some release from all of my pent up emotions and that helped SOOOO much.  I got the opportunity to yell and slam and say what I needed to say and it was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done for myself since this all happened.  I've bottled my emotions up way too long, and I can't even describe how great it felt to be able to have an intense argument with someone.

The whole time S and I were together, we never fought.  Never.  We had disagreements, but neither of us would ever raise our voices at each other.  It was what caused me to never really display my true emotions and feelings, and I spent nine years bottling everything up.  I found ways to let things go or I would force myself to let things go.  I just made the decision that my true emotions weren't that important, and it was better to just swallow my anger than to release it.

But, Wednesday night, I got angry.  Really angry.  And my first instinct was to slam a door, and yell.  That felt good, but that wasn't even the best part.  This is going to sound so crazy, but the best part of that release session wasn't the emotions that came from me, it was having someone that was willing to yell right back at me.  No nasty names were called, no mean things were said.  Just two people yelling out their frustrations at each other....and it was so good.  After it was over, my anger was gone, my sadness was gone, and I felt so great.  I have realized that step one in my healing process is that I'm no longer going to bottle stuff up.  If I have something to say, I'm going to say it, even if it causes arguments and verbal fights.  Not that I like fighting, that's not what I mean.  But, sometimes it's necessary to raise voices and get a little angry in order to really let out what needs to be said.  It doesn't have to be ugly.  I now believe that two people can have an argument to resolve issues, and it doesn't have to lead to nastiness or more pain.  

Yesterday, for the first time this week, I felt whole.  I felt normal.  I had a great day at work, I laughed, I didn't cry a single time, and I just felt like I had more pep in my step.  None of my normal insecurities were able to sneak in and mess with my mind. I felt really good, and it was great to feel that way.  It was almost as good as I felt last weekend.  Almost.

I am so ready for this morning to be over with so that I can start my weekend.  My water pipe will hopefully be fixed today, thanks to the help of an amazing friend and her husband.  I can come home, clean my house, do some laundry, and then the weekend is up to me.  It's my birthday this Sunday, and I plan on having a good time.  

It feels good to know that even during my darkest times, there's always some light that can push in.  That light comes in many different forms.  I just have to embrace the light, even the smallest of rays. 

So, bring it on, Weekend... I'm so ready for you!


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

When I Promise Always... I Mean It

I am sitting in a very gray area right now.  What do I mean?  Well...

The gray area:  The place the heart sits when it's not sure what to expect, what's happening, or what to feel.  A form of limbo of the emotions.  

I think that's a good way to explain what I mean when I refer to the "gray area".  That's how I feel.  I'm in an almost zombie-like state with my emotions.  I'm not sure how to feel, what to expect, and I definitely have no idea what the heck is going on.  

My mind and heart have basically died and now sit in purgatory, waiting to find out the fate of what comes next.  Do I meet the requirements to make it in to heaven or will I burn in a fiery pit for all of eternity?

This is really hard for me, because I've spent the past few years eliminating all form of gray from my life and focusing on either black or white.  It either is or it isn't.  Clean cuts, solid lines.  And when those lines have started to blur, I have done whatever I've needed to do in order to restore order and keep those two colors FAR away from each other.

But, no matter what I do at this very moment in time, it's not going to separate the colors.  In a matter of a few days, the black has poured in to the white of my life and now all that's left is a messy, gray, substance that reminds me there's nothing I can do.  Will  I ever be able to separate the colors again?  Will I ever be able to go back to that clean cut black and white life I'm used to?  Do I want to?

What I do know is that my heart is hurting.  That's to be expected after a break-up, but that's not the cause of my pain. I am hurt and angry.  Mainly at myself.  Because I am in a very low place, desperate for a certain person to reach out a hand of comfort, yet all I can do is worry about everyone else.  When I'm hurting, that hurt isn't important.  It's something I have to push down and try and ignore.  I can't tell anyone how I truly feel, because there's only one person I have anything to say to... but it's also the one person I have to be the most quietest around.

Over the course of the past 36 hours, I've found myself saying "I'm here for you", "talk to me when you're ready", and "I'll give you all the space you need".  It doesn't matter that I want to scream from the rooftops how I feel, how I need that someone to be here for me, or that the space feels more like I'm falling off a cliff where I can see the bottom, yet I just can't seem to fall quick enough for it all to be over.  

Is it fair?  No.  Will I continue putting myself through the torture?  Yes.  

Why?  Because I made a promise that I would.  I made the promise that, no matter what, I'd be there.  Even if hate grew in my heart, the promise stood that I'd still be there.  Always.

Hate is a feeling that's starting to grow.  Not for the person I speak of.  That would never happen.  I truly believe that I could be emotionally beaten and destroyed, and I'd still be standing after it's all over keeping the promise that I made.  In fact, I know that because I'm doing it right now.  My emotions are taking the beating of their life, yet the encouragement still pours out of me.  I'm still here, I'm waiting, and I'll put up with being completely ignored, in complete silence, waiting for my next directions.  I am starting to feel hate for what I'm doing to myself.  I hate the fact that someone has so much power over me.  I hate that there's nothing I can do or say to figure out what the heck is going on.  I hate the silence.  

Always means something to me.  It's a promise I only use when referring to specific promises.  It's like my signature to a contract.  When I say "always", I mean it.  And I don't just say it to anyone.  I like to keep my promises, and using a word like "always" makes it a little far fetched.  How can I promise always to just anyone?  I can't.  But, when I do use that word, it means that I'm making a promise that I know that stands true, it has and will stand the test of time, and it can go through the trials and obstacles in order to prove its worth.  

When I say I will ALWAYS love you.... I mean that I have loved you from the moment I first met you, I have loved you when you weren't there, and nothing has ever replaced or covered that love.  And, I can honestly say that the love will never go away.

When I say that I will ALWAYS be here for you... I mean that I have always been here.  Waiting.  Hoping.  And will continue to sit on the sidelines, if need be, for the rest of my life.  Even if I have to wait a week, a month, a year, or the next twenty years for you to cross my path again, you can pick up the phone and call me and it will be like no time has passed at all.

Always is my bond of truth.  A word I very seldom use, and when I do use it, I don't think anyone truly knows the power that I place on to that word.

Last night, someone told me that they wished they could find someone to love them with a quarter of the love I have in my heart.  That made me smile, but it also wrenched at my heartstrings.  I've been told that true, solid, unconditional love is something that usually only ever exists between a parent and a child.  But, if you're able to meet a person where you have unconditional love in your heart for, it's special.  It's rare.  And, it's something you don't let go of.

I guess, sometimes, it's necessary for that unconditional love to sit in a dormant state.  To go through the trials to see if it's genuine.  To be tested.  And, I'm willing to accept that.  If I say I have unconditional love, I'm willing to stand through all the trials, the tests, the beatings, and the abuse.  Because that's the very definition of unconditional love - you can't destroy it.  

And that's what I am going to do.  I will prove what the word "always" means to me.  I will prove that no matter what, I'll always be here.  Even if it means destroying every emotion I have.

I'm not going anywhere.  You're not going to push me away.  

If you need to release me, you can.  You can release me from the hold.  If you need to.  But, I will always be here.  When you're ready.


Tuesday, January 27, 2015

What Twenty Four Hours Can Bring

Last night, I was able to do something I haven't done in quite a while.  I slept without crying myself to sleep, passing out from exhaustion, or trying to turn off my mind just long enough for slumber to take me.  It just happened.  And the weird thing was, I think I was able to do that because I had finally released what I needed to release.

I knew I was taking some risks posting yesterday's blog.  I knew that there would be some people that would read what I had to say and cast their judgements.  And that's OK.  I didn't write it looking for sympathy or extending an explanation to those that were curious about what's going on with me.  I wrote it because I needed to let it go, let it out really.  I've learned that when I try and hold things in, they bottle and build like a bottle of pop that's been rolled around the trunk of a car.  It will continue to build pressure, slowly start to get harder, and BAM!!  There's an explosion to let out all of the pressure.  

Usually, it's pretty hard to get me shaken up to my explosion point.  I'm more like the can of soda that can be shaken up, given a little tap on the top, and the pressure dies down.  Then, I'm just left flat and tasteless while I try and process the feelings.  But, here lately, I've found that it's been a lot harder to contain my emotions and the pressure, and I've quickly started to understand it's better to try and open the bottle slowly than allowing it to get to the explosion point.  

Last night, something happened that made me feel like everything is going to be OK.  It was such a small gesture, and any other time I'd probably just let it bounce off me not really taking in what was said.  But, I received a message that sparked up a great conversation.  A simple message that really touched me, and left me with tears in my eyes.  Good tears.  The message?

"You are one of the most beautiful people I know.  Not only are you smokin' hot on the outside, but that beauty no way compares to the beauty you have on the inside.  I'm here for you if you wanna talk."

This message didn't come from a close friend or a family member.  It came from someone that has been sitting on the sidelines of my life, having no real contact with me at all, and reading and taking in everything I write, everything I post on Facebook, and was waiting for the right moment to give me the jolt of confidence I needed.

I've seen those little memes that have gone around Facebook, and one that has always stuck out in my brain is one that reads "You have no idea the power behind a Good Morning, Beautiful text".  It sounds horrible to admit, but you have no idea how many times I've read that picture and wondered how nice that would be.  To have someone that sends me a text like that, just for the sake of it.  Or to pay me a compliment not because I'm fishing for one, but because they just felt the need to say something nice to me.

And, again, I know how bad that sounds.  Sounds likes I'm one of those people that just craves attention from others.  The sad truth is, I am the kind of person that blows off compliments because I don't believe them.  When someone tells me I'm pretty or beautiful, I laugh.  When someone tells me I have a great personality, I take that as code to mean that I'm not that easy on the eyes, but I'm easy to get along with.  I'm one of those people that cringes when someone says something nice to me, because I often have a hard time believing it.  But, something about last night's message kinda made me think that maybe, just maybe there are people out there that think I am beautiful, and that it's OK to accept their words as a compliment and it's OK to feel good about it.

That message led to a great conversation.  We talked, we laughed, and not once did I feel the need to share what's going on with me, talk about my pain, or feel like there were ulterior motives for what was being said.  All this person knew about me was what I'd written here, and what I share on Facebook... which I suppose is quite a bit, being that I do share quite a bit of my life in both places.  But, none of that mattered.  

It felt good to have an almost complete stranger reach out and offer me someone to talk to.  

That doesn't discredit the people I know and love that have reached out to me over the past twenty-four hours.  I am truly thankful for the people that have offered their support and understanding about what I'm going through.  I'm also truly thankful for the people that have said some not so nice things to me or have cast their judgement without knowing all the facts.  That's OK, too.  One thing I'm learning each day is that I can't control the emotions and feelings of others, no matter how hard I try.  People are going to think what they want to think, act how they want to act, and treat me the way they want to treat me.  

I think that one of the harshest forms of punishments is silence.  It's almost deafening to receive total silence from the people you want to hear the most from.  It tears me to the core when I'm being ignored.  But, sometimes that silence is necessary.  I don't know what's going on in the mind of the ones ignoring me.  I don't know what's causing the silence.  I can guess, and that leads to a whole other realm of problems.  I make one of the biggest asses out of myself when I start letting assumptions take over.  That's something I want to work on.  Not allowing my assumptions to take over my head and plant seeds that usually end up being nothing more than weeds.  

But last night, while the silence was most deafening, someone took the time to break the silence and allow my brain to calm down and let the worries fade away, for a little while.  I was relaxed, I was able to laugh, and I was able to be comfortable and happy.  The loneliness subsided for a short time, and I got a slight glimmer of hope that everything really is going to be OK.  

So, this morning, I just want to say THANK YOU for taking some time to give me that compliment.  THANK YOU for talking to me.  THANK YOU for not prying or asking questions about what's going on with me.  And just THANK YOU for breaking the silence and giving me something to take my mind off of everything.  You have no idea how much I appreciated it.  

This morning, I woke up thinking it was going to be a good day.  I got this.  Everything really is going to be OK.  I'm going to take on challenges, I'm going to have an uphill climb, and I'm going to have bad days... but don't we all?  

I just need to take twenty-four hours at a time.  Step by step.  And, this morning, I can totally believe that's possible.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!


Monday, January 26, 2015

It's Time....


I debated whether or not I should write this post, but everything inside of me tells me that right or wrong, it needs to be written.  The picture I will paint of myself won't be a pretty one, but I can't sit here and scream for honesty when I, myself, am not being honest about what's going on inside of me.

There's no easy way to say what I need to say.  I just need to get it out there, in one clean swoop, and try to make everyone understand the raw emotions I'm dealing with and have been dealing with.  It's not an explanation or sugar coating for my actions, but more of a cleansing of my soul and a release of what has been built up inside of me for as long as I can remember.

The easiest way to do this is to start at the beginning.....

It all started fifteen years ago.  I was only 17 years old, and for the first time in my life knew what true love was.  I had found someone that made my heart flutter when he entered the room, made my skin light with electricity with the slightest touch, and could look in to my eyes and almost read the very depths of my soul.  We could talk for hours about anything and everything, and never get bored.  We could lay for the same amount of hours without saying a word, entwined in each others' arms, listening to the music that played.  And in those moments, I felt like I was in pure heaven.  

Then, I got pregnant and he was ripped away from me.  Neither of us had a say in the matter.  Some quick decisions made by his family took him away from me, and forced me to go about my life alone.. pregnant, lonely, scared.  But, it wasn't being pregnant that scared me, it was the thought of being without him.  Losing him damaged a piece of my heart that day, and that piece of my heart never recovered.  It has always kept his memory alive.  For the past fourteen years, whenever I have looked in to the eyes of our beautiful daughter, I've seen him.  I've been able to keep a part of him with me this whole time, and every time she's done something that reminds me of him, that broken piece of my heart fluttered with life.  

I moved on with my life, realizing that he was gone and I had to face the fact that he wasn't coming back.  I went through several years of pure hell, but I made it through them.  I am convinced that I pushed myself in to pain and agony just so that I could feel something.  The love I have for him never, EVER went away... the pain just got easier with every day that passed.  The more pain I searched for, the less pain I felt for him.  Until, eventually, I realized I didn't deserve to keep torturing myself.  I could be happy without him.  I could find love somewhere else.  

And that's what I did.  

I fell in love again with a man that made me feel safe, protected, and allowed me to release the pain I'd pushed upon myself for so many years.  The love I had for him was strong, different but still love.  I was happy for the first time in a very long time, and that happiness made me push aside the feelings I had been carrying around and let me experience life on a whole new level.  He supported me, encouraged me, and was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to.  He had his own dark past that he was carrying around, and I truly believe that's what brought us together.  We were able to share our pain with each other, and help each other heal.  

And for nine years, I was happy, in love, and determined to make my life the best I could for my children and myself.  

But, the sad truth is, even though I was able to cover the part of my heart that had been broken, it never truly recovered.  I know this because when I saw my first love for the first time in fifteen years last summer, that part of my heart ripped to life and brought back all the pain, all the agony, and all the feelings I had spent so long trying to cover and ignore.  

The contact came from Peanut wanting to finally meet her father.  I reached out and made the contact, and from that moment, my heart has been in utter, complete turmoil.  We spent many nights talking for hours... and hours...and hours.  We talked about the past, we talked about our lives and what we'd been though these past fourteen years, and we shared the pain that both of us had been through.

I hadn't gone through the pain alone.  I hadn't been the only one to be torn away.  I hadn't been the only one who's heart had been permanently damaged.  We had gone through it together, while being apart.

For little over a month, we didn't go more than a couple of hours without talking.  It was nothing more than two friends sharing our life stories, and trying to connect a father and daughter.  But, then all of a sudden he was ripped from me again, and I was put in to total silence for a couple more months.  Talk about de-ja-vu.  Emotions I had spent YEARS to contain resurfaced and had me walking around on the verge of tears at all times, hidden behind the smile of my strength.  

It was also then that I started pushing myself away from Hubby.  Well, that's not entirely true.  To be completely honest, I had felt us drifting apart for a very long time.  For over a year, in fact, our relationship had turned in to more of a roommate situation.  I was always so busy with the kids and work that I found I was hardly home.  My life had gotten in to the humdrum of work, events, home, bed, rinse and repeat.  There was no time in the middle of that, really, for Hubby.  Our conversations consisted of me sharing the plans for the week, and intimacy became non-existent.  Well before my heart being thrown in to the blender last year, my relationship with Hubby had deteriorated to a monotonous factory line of pleasantries and comfort.  It was the routine, and I just continued to ride the conveyer belt.  There was no excitement, no sparks, no rush of emotion.  Our relationship just continued to run the cycle, with no changes, and I had accepted that.

Little did I know that on the last day before Christmas break I was about to jump on a rollercoaster ride that would plummet me in to a world of utter chaos, excitement, and heart wrenching twists and turns.

Since the day after Christmas, my life has taken a complete turn.  My emotions have had more of a workout in the past month than they have in fifteen years.  But, you all know that because of my writing.  You have all known that something has been going on with me.  You all know that there's been a lot more to the story that I've been hiding.  And, you were all right.

And, the broken piece of my heart that was so severely damaged fifteen years ago has been beating with the rest of my heart for the past month.  The piece of me that was shattered and damaged and has started to show signs of life.  And while there are still many repairs that need to be done, I had to make some tough decisions in order for it to receive the oxygen it needs to determine if it will ever be repaired or if it's just a false hope of survival.  

But, it is time that I share that I have decided to figure out what lays ahead alone.  Hubby, now to be known as "S", and I have ended our relationship.  It was my decision.  It was a decision that had to be made.  The feelings I have in my heart just told me it was time to let it go.  The break-up was not for another man.  The break-up was because it needed to be.  I know that my path may be very cold and lonely.  I know that even though the damaged piece of my heart has seen some form of life over the past month, it is not healed and may not ever be that way.  I know that I may be destined to be alone.  I am no stranger to loneliness.  Because some of my most lonely times have been when I'm in the company of others.  I just need to clear my head, clear my heart, and start over.  I need to focus on my children, my work, and getting myself back to the person I once was... determined for happiness.  There's a big difference between happiness and comfort.  I can be comfortable without being happy, and I want a chance of being happy AND comfortable.  

Everyone knows that I am a person that believes that everything happens for a reason.  There are so many parts of my life that support that thought process.  I have no idea what my future holds.  I know that I could be knocked in to severe pain and agony, all over again, but pain is required in order to fully heal.  It's time I healed.  It's time I stopped putting a band-aid over my heart and trying to ignore the pain that has seeped in to my soul for so long.  It's time for closure.  

Today starts the first day of my new life.  Whatever happens is going to happen.  I have no control over what each day will bring, but I can embrace it and take it for what it is.  I know I have many hurdles standing in my way.  I know that I'm looking at some very tough times, once again.  But, I'm ready and willing to do what I need to do to get through this.  

I am a very strong woman.  There are parts of me that nobody will EVER uncover.  But, it's those deep, dark parts of me that empower the strength I need to survive.  It's those dark parts of me that give me the courage to push past the pain and fight for the light.  

If I am destined to be alone, so be it.  I know in my heart I will never truly be alone.  I will always have my kids, and I will dedicate my life in to making sure they have what they need and that they are happy.  

People are going to say what they want to say about me.  They are going to make assumptions.  And that's OK.  Say what you want to say about me.  Think what you want to think about me.  But, just know that NOBODY will ever know what has truly gone on in my heart and mind except me.  

Life starts over, Today!!


Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Honesty... Is it Too Much to Ask For?

I've been gone from my writing for a few days, and that's simply because I've been so busy.  Life has been running at a 100MPH since Friday, and it's left little time for me to sit and think... which is probably a good thing, because we all know what happens when I start thinking.

Everything has also been really good.  Like too good, almost.  And, I felt like writing about it may jinx me somehow and cause me to start letting my mind wander in to places I don't want it to wander.  However, in the past 24 hours I've been given time to think.  And for the most part, the thinking has been good.  Then this morning, one little post on Facebook got my mind running at 300MPH and my mind starting wandering so here I am.  I needed to write.  

I have a bad habit of overthinking, reading too much in to stuff, and taking stuff to heart.  Those are bad things because they lead to bad thoughts and bad emotions.  I also take too much for granted.  When things are going well, I jump aboard cloud 9 and ride the clouds like waves.  But, deep down I know that eventually I'm going to get knocked off my cloud-surfing surfboard, and it's a long, hard ride back down to earth.  

While we're on the topic of bad habits, let's discuss the one I have where I tend to believe other people because I'm an honest person and I kind of expect that in return.  However, that's not always the case.  I put too much trust and faith in people being honest with me, and that always ends up biting me in the rear.  I know that a lot of the time I'm told stuff that people think I want to hear.  That couldn't be further from the truth.  I can't stand it when people appease me just because they're scared they're going to hurt my feelings or upset me.  You know what upsets me?  Being told something, then finding out it was all a lie.  That's a far worse hurt.  

It's one thing if I ask someone what they think of my outfit, and they respond that they like it when deep down they think it's hideous and wouldn't be caught dead in it.  I can understand that.  It's an outfit.  And as long as the person wearing the outfit seems OK with it, then why hurt them by telling them you don't like it?  Right?  But, it becomes a whole different ball game when a person asks you to tell them how they feel, and they then ramble out all of these emotions and feelings of love, care, passion....and you then find out that's not how they really feel, but they thought that's what you wanted to hear.  That stings just a little... or a lot....or is more like a hot poker being jammed in to your eyeball.

When I share my feelings, I state the truth.  It may not be what the person wants to hear, but I truly know that giving the person the truth is far better than making them believe something totally different. That ends up leading to more lies, more betrayal, and it's just not worth it.  The person may be upset with you, at first, but eventually they'll understand and respect your honesty.  Giving false emotions is like leading a person on a wonderful stroll through a meadow, taking in the sights, capturing all the beauty and wonder around, and then finding out the path leads to a secluded spot where a gang is waiting to beat the crap out of you.  And the worst part is being led to that gang by someone you trusted and cared for.  Believe me, I think it would be much easier to get the beating out of the way.  Don't lead up to it with false hope and false trust. Just get it out of the way so the person can heal and move on.

That's my opinion on the matter, anyway.

Just be honest.  Simple.  

And, yes, I feel like I've feel like someone I know isn't being completely honest with me... but don't go jumping to conclusions on what it's about, who did it, or why.  Remember what I keep reminding everyone.. my posts aren't to be taken literally.  They end up sounding far worse than what the root cause actually is.  I'm actually feeling pretty happy and good, just got a little hurt when I saw something this morning that gave me the feeling that I'm being given less than honest information.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It's not something I'm going to dwell over or let it eat at me.  I've said what I needed to say, and now I can move on feeling much better about it because I let it out right here.

I'm excited and ready for my day.  I can't believe it's Wednesday already.  I feel like this week is flying by, and that's good.  I want it to.  I'm ready for the weekend because I have big, exciting plans.  I'll be celebrating my birthday a little early, because I have so much going on the weekend of my actual birthday.  So, I'm pumped.

It's going to be a good day.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!!

Sunday, January 18, 2015

So Proud of My Diva!!

That's my Peanut.  Doesn't she look absolutely BEAUTIFUL??  She's all dressed up in her show choir costume, ready to perform.  And, perform she did.  Her entire show choir gave one ROCKIN' performance, yesterday, that earned them the first place spot in the competition.  Listening to her show choir sing, yesterday, put tears in my eyes with every song that they performed.  

My little girl is growing up so fast.  One minute, she's the chubby faced, cute little bundle of happiness that I nicknamed Punkin', and is now the stunningly beautiful, all grown up *sniff* young lady that you see in that picture.  Where did the time go?

My oldest daughter has always been a passionate person.  She's always had a good heart, a strong desire to succeed, and an ability to light up the room with her presence.  But, I had no idea up until a year ago that she was hiding a talent:  Her ability to sing.  The girl can sing.  That's an understatement.  Her voice gives me chill bumps on my arms, tears in my eyes, and such pride and joy in my heart that I can't even put in to words.  

Yesterday, we traveled to Mt. Vernon, MO, for the Mid-Winter Show Choir Classic.  Peanut's group performed with several other show choirs.  Her show choir, named "The Dynamic Divas" took the stage and just awed the audience with their voices, their choreography, and their ability to own the auditorium and command attention.  I could listen to those girls sing and watch them perform for hours.  They are an amazing group made up of amazing talent, and I consider it an honor to have my daughter be part of it.  We weren't able to stay to hear the results of the competition, but she received a phone call that evening telling her that the Divas had taken the first place trophy home.   

When I look at Peanut, I'm blown away by how wonderful of a young woman she is.  She probably had the roughest time growing up out of all the kids.  Having a mother still in high school, trying with all her might to put food on the table and clothes on her back, and still doing what I could to make her as happy as possible.  But one thing that Peanut has never done is complain about her life.  She has always been grateful for everything she's been through, and like me, looks at her past as the shaping of who she is today.  And one thing I am very happy about is the fact that she has the fighter instinct that I possess.  When she wants something, she goes after it, doesn't give up, and will fight to the death to succeed.  I know with everything in my heart that my oldest daughter is going to continue having one heck of a life, and she's really going somewhere.

We took the two hour car ride home, yesterday, talking about everything and anything.  I love our car ride chats.  I am very happy about the fact that she tells me EVERYTHING.  Her thoughts, her feelings, her random ideas, she lays it all out there.  She's also one of the few people on this earth that I will tell just about anything to.  I have no secrets from my daughter and she keeps none from me.  Although both of us know that neither could keep secrets, because we can both read each other like a book.  And that makes me very happy.  We have the mother/daughter relationship I've always dreamed of having, and it warms my heart to know that the first person my daughter goes to when she needs anything is me.  

One thing I am most certain of when I think about my life is how wonderfully amazing my children are.  All of them. Each with their own unique qualities and talents.  My children are my life, and I think my sole purpose on this earth is to make them happy and raise them to be the very best that they can be. And right now, I'd say I'm doing a pretty fine job of that.  There have been times that I've doubted myself, worried that I'm not doing a good job as a parent, and questioned the decisions I've made about how I've raised them.  But, when I look in to the eyes of my children, I see love, I see kindness, I see happiness... so I am rewarded with knowing I must be doing something right.

Everything that I do is for my kids.  They come first.  Always.  And I don't know what I did to deserve such amazing kids, but I count my blessings each and every day.  

One very happy Momma this morning... and every morning.  

Have a great Sunday, everyone!


Thursday, January 15, 2015

Literal Interpretation


Well, I had to do something yesterday that I haven't had to do in a very long time.  Take down a blog post because it was too much to put out there.  Well, it was too much to put out there without writing this blog post as an explanation.  Once this post is published, I'll be able to put yesterday's back up.

But until then, I need to do some explaining.

I write a blog because I love to write.  I'm think I'm pretty decent at it, and it makes me feel so much better once I've pounded away at the keyboard and tried to express some of my feelings.

I've always been pretty open about my life, and when I write I share what I want to share.  I do have to be careful sometimes with what I share, due to protecting myself.  But just because I don't use names or I don't spit out exactly what's going on in my life doesn't mean I'm trying to deliberately make people worry about me or start making assumptions.

One thing I don't think anyone really knows about me is the fact that I usually only share about 10% of my inner feelings on my blog.  I know I seem to be quite an open book, but that's actually quite far from the truth.  I have demons, I have skeletons in my closet, and I have secrets.  I have a private life, and I don't like to share EVERYTHING that goes on in my brain.  I know it seems that way, sometimes, but it's not like that.  When I'm facing some of my darker "issues" I have to try and be creative in how I write about them, because they aren't the type of stuff I want the whole world to know.  

I know what you're thinking.  Why make the blog public?  

Well, because there are people out there that actually enjoy reading my blog.  This week, I had someone tell me I should think about writing a book.  They enjoy reading my blog so much, and it doesn't bother them a bit that they have no idea what I'm talking about or what secrets I'm hiding.  They just enjoy the way I write.  That was a huge compliment.  I've also been told this week that what I write about touched someone else about a totally different reason.  It may not be the same type of issue I'm dealing with, but the way I wrote about my feelings resonated with them and they are able to connect with my messages.

But, one thing I do have to say about some of my writing is that it is NOT to be taken literal.  What I have to say may show some signs or hints about a certain situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm dealing with that situation.

Case in point, yesterday's blog post.  I wrote about some of the inner emotions that are troubling me, and spoke of people coming in to my life for a reason, and taking a new journey alone.  I don't know how many people assumed that meant I was now single and dealing with a horrible break up.

That's NOT what I meant.

I was actually talking about something totally different.  An inner issue that I'm dealing with that has absolutely nothing to do with my current relationship.  It was about my emotions and some of the feelings that I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for many, many years... since I was in high school, in fact.  When I start writing about my feelings, I usually use a lot of figurative language.  I compare how I'm feeling to certain scenarios because it's the easiest way to put in to words how I'm feeling.  It isn't supposed to be taken literally. 

Sometimes what I write and how I write it makes my situation seem far worse than it actually is.  Just because I write pretty deeply, and really push some dark emotions doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in the middle of a major crisis or on the verge of a break down.  It may just mean that I'm feeling a certain way and I choose pretty out there ways for me to express how I'm feeling.  

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that there are very few people on this earth that know the "real" me.  I have spent many years building this persona portraying myself as someone that speaks their mind and shares their feelings.  But, the truth is, I'm the complete opposite of that.  I speak my mind and I share my feelings about a tiny minuscule of what actually goes on in my life and what runs through my brain.  I carry around 90% of my burdens and my true emotions, bottling them up and trying with all my might not to release them.  That can be quite the burden in itself, which is why I write.  

Some people, when they have emotional baggage, may speak to friends or loved ones, get professional help, or just never acknowledge any of it.  I don't work that way.  I can think of maybe two people on this earth that know pretty much everything about me, or at least who'd I'd be willing to share everything about myself with.  The only other way I know to release some of the pent up emotion is to write.  Sometimes I'm able to say, pretty clearly, what I need to say.  Other times I can go off in to this cryptic world of figurative language, comparisons, and well... what seems to be some pretty dark stuff.  But, I like writing that way.  I like tapping in to some of my creativity to make my words flow in an interesting, touching, and deep way.  

I feel like I've had to defend my blog or explain myself a few too many times over the past couple of weeks.  That's on me.  But one thing I can't stress enough is that I'm OK.  If my life was really that bad, believe me, I wouldn't be writing about it on my blog.  What I'm dealing with is not causing me to go in to a deep depression, I'm not making myself sick over it, nor am I on the verge of some mental break down.  In fact, the person anyone of you will see each and every day is the same girl that I always am.  I'll have a smile on my face, my only focus will be my students while I'm at work, and it's OK to approach me.  My writing gives me the ability to separate my emotions, release them in a healthy way, and helps me carry on each and every day as if nothing is happening.  I have become a master at hiding my true emotions, holding on to a hard outer shell that is almost impossible to break.

I have spent my entire adult years building up walls that protect my thoughts from my reality.  I've been through some of the worst situations, the hardest situations, and the downright terrifying.  I have shared a tiny portion of some of the darker times of my life, and carry around everything else.  Those things never go away... never.  Sometimes something happens to me that surfaces some of those darker times that I have done a good job of burying.  A reminder, a flashback, something like that.  They haunt me, and I write about them so that I can release what I need to and once again bury what I need to.

My writing is my therapy.  It is my creative release.  It's my way of expressing myself in a way I can't put in to words when I speak.  I love to write, it's my passion... and, once again, isn't supposed to be taken literally.

So, once again, I tell you to not worry about me.  Please don't make assumptions or try and read between the lines to figure stuff out.  I mean, you can, but know that you're probably WAY off from what's really going on.  I know that sounds kind of annoying, but it is what it is.  If you like the way I write, and can just take in my words for their value, then please keep reading.  However, if you read what I write and want to dissect and play detective in trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about, 1) Good luck and 2) Give up.  You'll end up driving yourself crazy trying to figure out how my mind works.  

Take everything I write with a grain of salt.  Don't take it literal.  And last but not least, enjoy what I have to say and maybe you can find something you can connect it to.  

I am good.  REALLY!!!!  

I'm not going to stop writing the way I do.  I can't.  But, I hate feeling like I have to take stuff down because my writing has been blown WAY out of proportion and all kinds of rumors and gossip are surfacing about me.  If you have a question, ask me.  The chances I'll tell you what's going on is slim to none, but I can put your mind at ease if you ever get to worrying about me.

OK, time for me to go.

Have a great Friday, everyone!!


You Have No Power Over Me


Haven't see Labyrinth in a very long time, but for some reason I woke up this morning hearing the words "You have no power over me", and it was like someone had yanked me from the edge of a cliff and just saved my life.

I cried myself to sleep last night.  Which is kinda weird, because for the past couple of days I've been feeling much better.  I had told myself that I was going to let everything play out the way it's supposed to, step back from the troubles, and just take one day at a time.  But, loneliness is an emotion that doesn't go away easily.  When nothing else is around to keep you company, loneliness steps in and becomes the silent companion willing to whisper your troubles in to your ear.

But this morning, when I woke up, apparently my mind had other plans.  I've been losing control of my emotions, and that can't happen.  I'm letting my emotions completely take over and tear down the walls I've spent so many years building and reinforcing.  I am strong.  I am powerful.  And when something or someone starts to make those walls crumble, I panic.  

I have to take back the power.

I truly believe that every person that enters your life does so for a reason.  Maybe it's for your benefit, maybe for theirs.  But, one of the worst realizations is when you think someone comes in to your life for a certain purpose and discover you were totally wrong.  You play out this wonderful scenario in your head, think about all the signs and signals you've been given to reinforce your beliefs, and then all of a sudden a ton of bricks come crashing down on you when you realize you were totally wrong.

But, then you think maybe you can hold on.  Maybe you can change the situation, that you read the signals wrong and there's just a little bump in the road to the original plan.  So, you keep going, keep trying, keep believing.  And then, there it is, the sign you've been dreading:  Dead End.

There's only one option when you come to a Dead End sign, and that would be to turn around.  I could try going back the way I came, or I can try an alternate route.  But, I've tried this road not so long ago. I took the same journey, and rather than finding the Dead End sign, I was smashed in to it at about 100MPH.  But, I didn't give up.  I went back and just tried again, driving a little slower.  

Look what that got me.  Right back to the same sign.  And even though I got here a little slower, this time, it doesn't hurt any less.

However, I've realized something.  Both times, I wasn't driving the car.  I was just the passenger, along for the ride, waiting for my driver to take me where I thought I was supposed to go.  After the first crash, we went our separate ways for a while, but not for long.  Long enough for me to repair the damage from the last ride.  You would think I'd be more cautious about going along for another ride, but I wasn't.  That was me trying to change what I thought I could change.  So, back in the car I got, had such an amazing ride... faster, more intense, exhilarating really.  Which is why this time around it hurts a little more.  Even though the Dead End sign appeared more slowly, it still arrived.  The pain is no different.

Well, now the time has come for me to get back in the car alone.  Travel a different road.  Another journey, another destination.

This time, though, the words are strong in my head...

You Have No Power Over Me.

My new journey requires no driver.  I will no longer be the passenger on a ride to pain and regret.  I'm taking back the keys and going at this alone.  And, it's OK.  I can do it.  I've done it before, I will do it again.  Like I said, I am powerful.  I am strong.  It won't be the last time I make mistakes, but it will be the last time I let someone else drive.  

I'm taking back the power.  I am taking back the will to drive off in another direction.  I'm done with this road, and it's time for a new adventure.  

No more tears.  No more heartbreak.  No more fear or worry.  I've done my time, I gave it a good go, and now there's nothing left to do but to pick up and move on.  And it will be OK.  I truly believe that.  I will be OK.  

My power is my own, and nobody can take it away from me.

(Just wanted to throw out there to people that will read this and worry.  I'm good.  Please don't worry.  I get very emotional and deep with my writing.  Always have, always will.  My writing doesn't affect who I am or what I do.. it's just my release, and nothing more.)

Have a great Thursday, everyone!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Patience is Most Definitely a Virtue


I'll be honest.  When I think of words to describe myself, patience never really makes the list.  I'm not a very patient person.  Waiting is hard, especially when you're waiting for something you've wanted a REALLY long time.  But, one lesson I've learned from my impatience is that the more impatient I am, the longer it takes for stuff to happen.

Ever had one of those days that something really exciting was going to happen, and up until the time you get to do it the hours seem to ridiculously drag on?  Well, that's what I'm talking about.  The more you want something, the more it seems to take forever to get it.  

Along with my epiphany of uncertainty that hit me Monday night, I also had the realization that patience is going to have to be my most important virtue at this time of my life.  I have strong feelings on how I want my life to unfold with the uncertainty that's lingering overhead, but I also understand that it's out of my control.  What happens, happens, and trying to force my ideal scenario is just going to end up making the end result take even longer to get here.

I've got to try and have some patience.

I've had several people tell me these past couple of weeks that everything will work out the way it's supposed to.  At first I brushed that sentiment off, huddled in my desire for NOW and wanting certainty and understanding.  Then, I got a small taste of what life would be like if my dreams came true this past weekend, and it fired up the impatience beast to a whole new level.  What ended up happening?  My emotions were crumbled and crushed into a million pieces because I made some mistakes in my assumptions and dabbled with pushing my impatience.  

What I've had to accept is that things most definitely will turn out the way they are supposed to, but I have to be ready to accept that it might not necessarily be the way I want.  It's going to require some patience, stepping back from the situation, and waiting for events to play out the way they're supposed to.  The more I try to pull my desires in, the more I will be pushed back in to upset.  I can't force destiny or fate... they just have to happen.  Even though I have no intentions of giving up on what I want, I have to understand that sometimes the best way of getting something is by letting it go.  

Another little saying that I need to take in is that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I know that when I'm away from the people I love, I miss them more and more each day.  It's hard to have separation, but sometimes it's needed.  Sometimes, if I'm not sure how I feel about something or I'm frustrated, I just have to take myself away from the situation in order to let my brain settle and untangle all of the feelings.  The absence allows for clarity.  Sure, it's hard.  Why remove yourself from something you want?  Right?  But, when it's something you want but you're not sure if you're supposed to have it, stepping away from the situation can really help.  The absence sometimes makes you want it more, or it can sometimes help you understand that it's not what you want.  That make sense?

OK, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, it can also help determine if it's something you can't live without or something you just need to let go.  Back to the whole everything will work out thing, if it's meant to be, it'll be.  If not, then you pick up and move on.

Each day is a brand new opportunity, a new chance to start over.  Rather than dwelling on the unknown or situations out of my hands, I just need to clear my mind and take on what the day has to deliver.  No thinking about tomorrow, next week, or next month.  It's all about today!! I need to remove myself from trying to figure everything out, let time do what it's gotta do, and whatever is supposed to happen with my crazy life will eventually play out.  

It's all good.  It's all apart of the excitement of life.  And, I've accepted it.

Now, I wait patiently and try and go about life as normal.  Maybe I'll get what I want in the end, maybe I won't.  It won't be the first time I've lost something very special to me, and I'm sure it won't be the last.  

I just have to be patient.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!


Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Uncertainty is a Necessity


For the past couple of years, I've been sitting on a train watching my life zoom by.  Nothing much has changed, nothing bad happened, managed to check a few life goals off the list, and basically just put myself in auto-pilot while each day carried me through.

Each morning, I would wake up, write my blog, drink my coffee, and go about my day doing what I do for my students.  Once my work day was over, my life shifted from teacher mode to mommy mode and school activities were the top priority.  Once practice or the games were over, I'd drive the kids home, crawl in to bed, and rinse, repeat the next day.

Excitement, over the past few years, has consisted of being able to leave school before dark, getting to sleep in until I woke up rather than having an alarm clock wake me, or every once in a while having a girls' night out with my best friend.

I don't know how many times I thought about it, and decided that I was OK with having a monotonous life.  Monotony means little room for trouble, upset, or unneeded problems.  I settled on the fact that each day came, each day went... I could tell you exactly how those days would play out, because they all basically looked the same.  

But, deep down, there's always been this niggling feeling eating away at me.  Where's the excitement?  Where's the spontaneity?  Is this really it?  Do I spend the rest of my days going through the motions like a conveyor belt in a factory?

Then, last summer, that little spark ignited a flame inside of me and I wanted more... I needed more.  It sounds stupid, but the first thing I did was buy season passes to Silver Dollar City.  Totally random, hadn't ever taken my kids to a theme park, but felt the urge to do something different.  I have been terrified of heights for as long as I can remember, and getting a roller-coaster was something that scared the living bejeezus out of me.  But, on that first trip to SDC, I left caution in the wind, I let uncertainty guide me, and ended up having one of the most exciting and fun days I've had in many, many years.  I rode every single ride I could get on, and I don't think I've ever heard the laugh that escaped from my mouth on that day.

Toward the end of the summer, more uncertainty came in to my life when a conversations sparked up with an old friend.  Ha, old friend is quite the understatement.  The father of my oldest child, actually.  That uncertainty caused me to face some demons that I've kept locked away for 15 years, and face some of the pain and agony I never dealt with back then.  It caused me to release some hidden secrets I had kept to myself all those years, and bring light to the fact that I am not as open with my life as some may believe.  

Since that time, there's been some ups and downs, but once school got started again, life just calmed down and went back to normal.

Went back to the routines, the schedules, and the plans.  Teacher by day, mommy by night.  

But, the week before Christmas that all changed once again.  Life didn't just throw me a curve ball, it pelted me with the entire team pitching to me at the same time.  And since then, I've been swinging with everything inside of me to try and hit one of those balls out of the park.  I've had a couple of moments when I've got a good hit in, but for the most part I'm more broken and bruised than anything.

Last night, I had a realization.  An epiphany, if you will.  Yes, I've been in this cryptic, weird, mood for the past couple of weeks... but in the past couple of weeks, I've felt more alive than I have in YEARS!  Not knowing what's going to happen next, or what's in store has been a rush of adrenaline and excitement.  My emotions have been smashed in to a million pieces, picked up, glued back together, and then smashed all over again.  I have laughed more, cried more, and loved more than I have since I don't know when.  

And, last night, while sitting through another outbreak of tears, I realized that no matter how bad I'm hurt, no matter what emotions are flooding through me... I'm feeling that intensity I was looking for.  Life is changing, I'm changing, and there is nothing but uncertainty banging on my door.  AND I'M OK WITH IT.  

As one door closes, another opens.  Every wonderful, amazing, brain searing memory I hold on to came as the aftermath of some of my darkest, unhappiest of times.  The uncertainty led me in to happiness and clarity.  Fear, uncertainty, and the discomfort were my fueling engines in to happiness, excitement, and living life to the fullest.  

I am not in pain.  I am not hurt.  I'm just living with uncertainty.  And while up until last night, I was absolutely terrified over it... I have now realized I have nothing to be scared of.  Life will play out the way it's supposed to.  When I get knocked down, I get up again.  I pick up the pieces and take care of what needs to be taken care of.  But, uncertainty is a necessity that instills the drive to keep going, keep reaching for the stars, and motivates who I am.

Every day is a gift that I cherish.  Another day with my kids, another day with my students, another day to grab the world by the horns and ride out the wild ride that is life.  I may not always be able to hold on the full eight seconds, but each time I hit the dirt you can guarantee I'll jump right up again and give it another shot.  It's not about how long I can stay on the bull, it's the thrill that takes place during the ride.

It's who I am.  It's what I do.  And I'm OK with it.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!


Friday, January 09, 2015

So Glad It's Friday!!

Well, I've just about made it through the first school year of 2015, and overall I'll say it's been a pretty darn good week.  The kiddos came back to school a little tired, but ready to get the second half of the year going with full force.

Even though I've been in a weird funk all week, it hasn't affected how I am in the classroom.  One thing I pride myself on is the fact that I can separate my personal life from my work life.  The minute I hit the door of the school building, everything going on outside gets pushed to the back of my mind and I have only one focus:  My Students.

There's been a few changes to my class roster, and I even got a new student.  Despite the changes, the kiddos haven't let it affect anything and I've been so proud of their effort since we got back.  I was a little worried that I was going to lose the momentum that I'd built up in them over the break, but it looks as though I don't have to worry.  They are ready and willing to jump right back in it with both feet.

The weather this week has been frigidly cold, which has meant no recess.  Normally, a whole week without recess would mean kids that have a hard time focusing or a lot of pent up energy that's dying for a release.  It goes to show how awesome my class is, because the lack of recesses hasn't affected them a bit.  We put a movie on during our recess time and they sit and relax.  I think it's been good for them... almost like a nap time minus the nap.  They can relax their brains and the calmness in the room helps to mellow them out for the rest of the afternoon.  I can't say I've seen that happen too often, but I'm definitely not going to complain.  

Yesterday, I weighed in for the partner weight loss challenge at work.  I decided I'd have another go, even though I haven't managed to win a single time.  I have a partner, and she and I plan on really giving this competition a strong go.  I weighed in about 3lbs less than when the last competition ended, which is great.  I gained back about 5lbs after the competition ended, and then lost weight over Christmas break.  So, I'm ready to keep going with it and maybe... just maybe... I'll be able to win some money.  I have been very cautious with my eating, and I plan on continuing with what I'm doing.  Also, as soon as the temps get above the freezing mark, I plan on getting out for some much needed exercise.  I really think that will help with everything going on in my head, and will help me sleep and stuff.  

This weekend I have so much that I need to get done.  I still haven't taken down the Christmas decorations, I have a ton of laundry to do, and I need to start preparing for going back to school next Wednesday.  Even though I have all that stuff to do, I've got plans to see some friends.  I may or may not get everything done that I'm supposed to get done, but I'm not stressing about it.  I want the weekends to be less work, more play.  I'm just going to have to figure out a compromise on how I can fit all of my mommy duties in with my extracurricular activities.  

One thing I am good at, though, is multitasking.  I'm a boss at getting stuff done, even when there's no time.  Everything will get done even if it means staying up late or getting up super early.  It's all about time management and prioritizing. 

I managed to get a full night of sleep last night, and I feel great this morning.  It's amazing what some sleep can do for a person.. HA!!  I think I managed to get to the point where I was just so exhausted that I had to shut down early and sleep all night.  That's what happened, and I feel completely recharged and refocused this morning.  My head is clear, and I'm full of energy.  I don't have that groggy feeling I've felt all week.  It feels good, and hopefully it means that I'm getting back in to the swing of my old routine.  

OK, I should probably go and get ready for work.  

Have a great Friday, everyone!!


Thursday, January 08, 2015

OK, Here's the Deal....


OK, so today I think I need to get a few things out there.  Lay the cards on the table and answer some questions that I keep getting asked.  You would think that after so many years of blogging, I'd understand how frustrating it can be to people that read my blog when I get all vague and mysterious.  You would think that I'd avoid being all vague and mysterious altogether, due to the fact that I'm writing a public blog and just about anyone can read it.  But, what has really happened is the fact that I've merged the two together.  I blog in a vague and mysterious way sometimes because I need to get stuff out there, but I'm also aware that people are I have to do the best I can.

What I have grown to live with, though, is the curiosity.  People tend to worry about me if they don't understand what I'm talking about.  I start getting a few messages from readers and friends asking me if everything is OK, or if there's anything they can do to help.  Which is very sweet and kind, but most of the time I'm a little dumbfounded cause I'm not sure what caused their concern.  Then, it takes me trying to read my blog from a pair of unknowing eyes, and then it makes a little more sense.

So, due to all the vagueness and uncertainty I've been spewing out on my blog for the past week or so, I figured it's time to answer a few questions.  I'm going to tell the truth, be honest, and share as much as I possibly can.  OK?

1.  What the heck is going on with you?

That's a great question.  Honestly, everything and nothing is going on with me.  Since New Year's, I've been trapped in this bubble of contemplation and deepness.  It's hard to describe, really.  I know what's caused it, but I can't really share that information.  What I can say is that what appears to some to be sadness isn't sadness... it's just deep reflection.  I'm in a state of uncertainty, and that's a little scary and a little exciting.  I'm dealing with that uncertainty the way I know how:  Writing about it.  I've also lost some sleep over it, but I managed to sleep last night so all is good there.  Doesn't this answer help?  I know, it's just as vague as everything I've been blogging... but hopefully you understand why.

2.  Has something bad happened to you?

No.  Nothing bad has happened to me.  In fact, I'd say the complete opposite, really.  For the past couple of weeks, I've had to pull some old skeletons out of my closet, but I've found that doing so isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  While reliving the past is something I'm trying very hard to try and avoid, I'm realizing that sometimes there is a reason the past comes back to haunt us.  Sometimes there's unfinished business that needs to be taken care of.  Sometimes the past rears its head to help me remember what it is I'm fighting for, and what my visions have been throughout my life.  And sometimes the past comes back in order to help pave the way for the future.  What I can say is that the past defines who we are.  We have choices with how we deal with the past.  While we can't relive the past and redo what was once lost, maybe... just maybe, you can pick up where you had to leave off and make a fresh start.  That's what I'm hoping for, right now.  That some unfinished business from my past is going to help me pick up where I left off and make a fresh start.  It's not going to happen today or anytime soon, but I am trying to stay confident that I'm finding my way back to a path I strayed away from many years ago, and I'll finally get to finish the journey that I once started but lost sight off.  

3.  Why don't you just spit out what you're trying to say?

Oh, if it were that easy.  HA!  I have learned over the years that being vague on my blog can have disastrous  effects.  People get tired of trying to break the code or read between the lines.  And, all I can say to that is:  I accept that, and I'm sorry.  Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.  There are some people that read my blog and they know what's going on, and there are others that don't.  My vagueness is with purpose.  I don't do it to just try and be annoying.  I do it because I have to protect certain people - and myself.  I'm sorry if reading my blog is sometimes like reading a military code.  At the end of the day, my blog is for me.  I know what I mean, and I know what I'm trying to say.  I try and answer as many questions as I can, but I also have a private life that needs to be protected.  Sometimes I just can't write about whatever I want and say whatever I want.  

4.  Are you OK?

In a nutshell?  Yes.  I'm OK.  I'm a little confused, disoriented, and unsure.. but who isn't, right?  I have some things that I'm trying to work out, but nothing major.  Nothing bad has happened to me, I'm not in danger, and I'm not depressed or even sad really.  I just have to take one day at a time with what's going on, and see where it leads and what happens.  That's hard for me, cause I've always been such a planner.  I'm in to black and white:  Knowing what is and what's to come.  Having a grey area in my life is a little scary, but it's also pretty exciting.  There's a specific reason I set the reversed resolutions that I did, and it's related to what's going on with me.  My focus for this year is to live more, plan less.  Go with the flow.  See what life has in store for me.  There's a very good chance I'm going to come out of this wondering what the heck I was even thinking in the first place.  But, there's also a slim chance that I could come out of this following the path I started MANY years ago that's been waiting to be traveled.  I'm willing to take the chance on living in this unplanned, out-of-my control state until that plays out.  

I know, this hasn't really helped much has it?

I'm sorry.  

Just understand that everyone has secrets.  Everyone has parts of their life that they're just not willing to share.  I just happen to be the kind of person that has a hard time with that, and sometimes I have to say as much as I can in order to deal.  That ends up in the form of vague, weird, and cryptic writing.  

But, I am fine.  I am OK.  No need to worry.  If the time comes that I'm able to share what this was all about, I will.  If not, I won't.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!


Wednesday, January 07, 2015

It's Time to Let Go


Day Two of very little sleep.  I'm not really sure what happened.  Yesterday, I walked around the school like a zombie for most of the day because I was so tired.  I went to a meeting and yawned my way through it, watching the clock tick the minutes down to get me closer to my bed.  I got home and fought to keep my eyes open for a little while so that I wouldn't end up falling asleep too early.  And, then, I go to bed and just like that, I'm staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open, knowing that sleep will not be visiting me anytime soon.

After a little while of trying to go to sleep, and trying to calm my brain of the million thoughts buzzing around, I realized what I had to do....and then the tears came.  At first, they stung my eyes, and I fought to keep them at bay.  But, then I realized that it was what I needed.  I needed to release the thoughts, release the nagging feelings, and just let it all out.  And that's exactly what I did... I cried until I didn't need to cry anymore.  Then, I went to sleep.

So, what caused the tears?  

Remember last week when I wrote those reversed resolutions?  I wrote about how I was going to stop sweating the small stuff, let go of the "what if" statements, pick my battles carefully, remove the negativity, and keep moving forward without dwelling on the past.  Since I wrote that post, I have had those goals engrained in my mind.  Everything I've done, everything I've said, I've thought about whether I'm focusing on those things.  And, what I've quickly realized is that they will be a lot harder to accomplish than I thought.  It's going to be a tough transition, but not one I'm giving up on.

What I've also realized over this past week is that I should have added one more thing to that list:  Not be so honest.

That doesn't mean I'm going to start lying.  That's definitely not me.  Honesty is a way of life for me, it's one of my good qualities, but it's also one of my bad qualities.  Sometimes I just don't know when I should tell someone exactly what I think, or just keep my mouth shut.  And that's what I really need to work on.  Sometimes telling someone how you really feel isn't the best way of dealing with things.

The quote you see pictured here is something I found on Facebook last night.  When I read the words, I agreed with the statement.  But there should be an addendum added to that quote.  You should always tell someone how you feel, opportunities are indeed lost in the blink of an eye, and regret does last a lifetime.  But, the part that's missing is the fact that you should be prepared for whatever response you get.

If you're in love with someone, you should tell that person.  Just be prepared to hear that he/she doesn't share the same feelings.

If you're worried about someone, you should tell that person.  Just be prepared for them to tell you to mind your own business.

If you want to help someone, you should let them know you want to help.  Just be prepared for them to reject you or find ulterior motives to your actions even if there aren't any.

If you have a great idea, you should share that idea.  Just be prepared to others to not find it so wonderful.

Or, you could just keep it all to yourself, so you won't ever have to worry about the rejection.  

And that's what I'm dealing with right now.  The decision to whether or not I want to be someone that continues expressing my feelings, knowing there's a good chance it's just going to cause me pain.  Or, do I just start keeping my mouth shut and wait for situations to play out without my thoughts or input?

Look at me, only a week in to the new year, and I'm already a bundle of crazy.  

Usually, I'm pretty open and adaptable to change.  Usually, I can plan and prepare for new situations, new decisions, and new ideas.  But there lies the issue:  Usually, I plan and prepare for EVERYTHING.  That's something I'm trying to decrease, and I can feel the weight of not having that control looming over me.  

I've been spending this past week waiting for the next situation to spring up, the next surprise to happen, and to just see what happens next.  I've left work early, without spending a couple of hours putting everything back in its place.  I've made on the spot decisions without spending hours considering them.  I've spoke my mind without thinking about the consequences.  And you know what I've figured out?  This stuff is HARD!!  

I know, I'm rambling on and on today without really making much sense.  But, I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the past two days, so what do you expect?  That fact that I'm even putting words together to form sentences is pretty out-freaking-standing right now.  

And that's why I figure it's probably better to just leave it at that.  

I'm not giving up on my reverse resolutions.  I'll find some balance, I'll adjust.  And I'm also going to really focus on not spewing out how I really feel, and work on keeping my thoughts to myself.  Not everyone wants to hear what I have to say, and it's about time I realized that.  

OK, have a great Wednesday, everyone!


Tuesday, January 06, 2015

OK, Sleep, Come Back to Me


I'm dragging this morning, that's for sure.  I feel asleep on the couch early last night and slept for about an hour, which caused me to not want to go to bed last night.  At 1AM, I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to calm my mind down long enough for me to drift off.  I guess it happened, at some point, but at 2:47AM, I was wide awake again and was awake for a little while.  My alarm is set to go off at 4:30, and I had to hit the snooze button a couple of times, and eventually drug myself out of bed around 5AM.  I'll let you do the math on how much sleep I got, because my brain isn't even functioning well enough to try and figure it out.

Having trouble sleeping is not something I usually have problems with.  I'm one of those people that can stay awake if I need to, but pretty much can go to bed at any time and fall asleep.  But, the last couple of days has been an adjustment, and I know it will take some time trying to get back in to my regular routine.  I have the same problems after summer break, so I'm not worried about it.  I know that over the course of the next couple of days, I'll be so wiped out that I'll fall asleep one evening and sleep all night long and basically be caught up and back to my old routine.

Not being able to go to sleep, in my opinion, is one of the worst things EVA!  My brain doesn't want to calm down, and thoughts, ideas, fears, and worries start creeping in.  I start thinking about stuff I need to do in my classroom the next day, stuff I need to do at home, and it always seems like I'm forgetting something.  Or, I start thinking about stuff that's been going on with me and playing out different scenarios in my head of how everything will play out.  I start to think deeply about recent conversations or situations, and try and find alternate meanings to stuff or start wondering what was meant or if I'm imagining something I saw or heard.  

It's tough, I tell ya!

I really thought that going back to work yesterday would utterly exhaust me, and I guess it did.  I had a hard time keeping my eyes open after I ate dinner, but then I only slept for a little while and was wide awake.  But, I was happy to be back at work yesterday.  It felt really good to have some normalcy to my routine, some structure.  As much as I'm trying to give up some of the ever-needed control I must always maintain, my classroom is one place where it just comes naturally.  I always feel in control, and can still make some split second changes if I need to and it not affect my feelings.  

It's all good, though.  I'm happy, I'm healthy, I'm just a little tired.  I've been very contemplative, lately, and I guess people have started noticing.  But, rest assured my friends, it's a good type of contemplative.  I'm good.... great, actually.  Just doing what I gotta do, taking one day at a time, and rolling with the punches.  Somewhat.  HA!!  It's an adjustment, that's for sure, but I'll get there.

Well, it's that time for me to go and get ready for work.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!