It has been a week, I can tell you that. I've realized that when it rains, it most definitely pours. I can't deal with one thing at at time, I have to be bombarded with issue after issue until eventually the rain lets up and I can see a little sunshine.
Thankfully, this week I've had a terrible storm of issues, but I've also experienced a few rays of sunshine. So, I know that I'm going to be OK and I'm going to get through this. No matter how many days of rain wants to try and drown me, I am realizing that I just have to ride out the storm and wait for the sun.
Last weekend, I had an AMAZING weekend. That fell on the heels of my break up, and it was very much needed. I got away for the whole weekend, and while I was there life was good. No, life was great. I was able to clear my mind, spend time with someone that I love very much and has the ability to make me very happy, and the two of us escaped the worries of our lives and had some fun. It was awesome.
Then, we come home and I realized that the sunshine was gone and I had to go straight back in to the rain. I was extremely sensitive and sad about having to face the real world, and it just felt like my whole world was closing in on me several times during the first couple of days this week. I had a hard time keeping it together, which is not something I like to admit. I don't like falling apart. I don't like feeling like I'm losing control. And I certainly didn't like the fact that I felt so alone during those couple of days.
Then, throw in a water pipe breaking under my house. Throw in the fact that S couldn't fix the pipe, and now I've been without water since Wednesday. Throw in that Butter had a 24 hour bug and had to miss school on Wednesday, and then Jelly got it yesterday, and I need to take a half day off work today because Jelly can't go back to school until she's not been sick for 24 hours, and it's a lot of issues to throw on to my plate.
But I got through them. I'm getting through them.
Thankfully, on Wednesday, I was able to have some release from all of my pent up emotions and that helped SOOOO much. I got the opportunity to yell and slam and say what I needed to say and it was probably the most therapeutic thing I've done for myself since this all happened. I've bottled my emotions up way too long, and I can't even describe how great it felt to be able to have an intense argument with someone.
The whole time S and I were together, we never fought. Never. We had disagreements, but neither of us would ever raise our voices at each other. It was what caused me to never really display my true emotions and feelings, and I spent nine years bottling everything up. I found ways to let things go or I would force myself to let things go. I just made the decision that my true emotions weren't that important, and it was better to just swallow my anger than to release it.
But, Wednesday night, I got angry. Really angry. And my first instinct was to slam a door, and yell. That felt good, but that wasn't even the best part. This is going to sound so crazy, but the best part of that release session wasn't the emotions that came from me, it was having someone that was willing to yell right back at me. No nasty names were called, no mean things were said. Just two people yelling out their frustrations at each other....and it was so good. After it was over, my anger was gone, my sadness was gone, and I felt so great. I have realized that step one in my healing process is that I'm no longer going to bottle stuff up. If I have something to say, I'm going to say it, even if it causes arguments and verbal fights. Not that I like fighting, that's not what I mean. But, sometimes it's necessary to raise voices and get a little angry in order to really let out what needs to be said. It doesn't have to be ugly. I now believe that two people can have an argument to resolve issues, and it doesn't have to lead to nastiness or more pain.
Yesterday, for the first time this week, I felt whole. I felt normal. I had a great day at work, I laughed, I didn't cry a single time, and I just felt like I had more pep in my step. None of my normal insecurities were able to sneak in and mess with my mind. I felt really good, and it was great to feel that way. It was almost as good as I felt last weekend. Almost.
I am so ready for this morning to be over with so that I can start my weekend. My water pipe will hopefully be fixed today, thanks to the help of an amazing friend and her husband. I can come home, clean my house, do some laundry, and then the weekend is up to me. It's my birthday this Sunday, and I plan on having a good time.
It feels good to know that even during my darkest times, there's always some light that can push in. That light comes in many different forms. I just have to embrace the light, even the smallest of rays.
So, bring it on, Weekend... I'm so ready for you!