Well, technically my birthday was Sunday so I'm a little late with this post, but I feel like I've earned the right to drag the celebration out a few days. Right?
Sunday was actually my birthday. I turned 33 years old. And, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was probably the best birthday weekend I've had in, at least, over a decade. After everything that's been going on over the past couple of weeks, it sure did feel good to actually feel like celebrating.
The weekend kicked off with me having to leave work early because Jelly had been sick the day before and had to take Friday off of school, so I needed to take over taking care of her. S had made plans to go away for the weekend, so I came home so that he could keep those plans. Jelly was feeling much better when I got home, which was good. S went about his plans, Peanut was at a debate tournament, Butter went to stay with my brother, so Jelly and I got ourselves ready for some fun times. She and I went and picked up my friend to spend the weekend with us, and I was happy and excited about that.
Friday night was just a hang-out night. We hung out, watched some TV, and relaxed. We did go and see my friend's aunt and uncle for a while, and that was a lot of fun. Saturday was a big night because we got to watch UFC 183. I had been looking forward to that for a while, and I was so glad we got to watch it together. For the past few weeks, I've really been getting in to the whole UFC thing. I've really enjoyed watching two people walk in to an octagon and beat the crap out of each other. I've watched a few fights now and LOTS of videos, and I'm getting kind of hooked. I'm already counting the days down to the next big fight. Anywho, we watched the fight and it was a great time.
Sunday was the big day, my birthday.
When I woke up that morning, I felt so calm and relaxed. I had slept very well, and waking up with that kind of feeling was refreshing. No alarms, nobody waking me up, just waking up all by myself and feeling totally at peace. It was a good feeling, and one that I didn't want to go away. I know why I woke up feeling the way that I did, and I know why I slept so well. And it was what jolted me in to the realization that I wasn't going to wake up feeling that way every day, but I'd take it while it lasted.
Once we were up and ready, we headed out to go and visit some of my friend's family. We had a lot of fun and I loved seeing everyone. After a few hours of visiting, we headed on over to my friend's dad's house where a birthday dinner was being prepared for me.
Now, this is where I have to point out the importance of the day. I really haven't celebrated my birthday in MANY years. My birthday has just been a day that comes and goes. I've done a little something for myself here and there, but as far as someone else doing much for me? Yeah, that really hasn't happened. Which is why I was so touched that my friend and my friend's family wanted to do a little something for me. To them it was a tiny little gesture, but to me it was a HUGE deal. My friend's step-mom made some awesome nachos for dinner, and made me a birthday cake. And it was in that moment that I could kinda see what my life would be like if everything worked out the way I want it to.
I thought about the weekend of hanging out, watching UFC, and spending my birthday with family and loved ones. I thought about how almost perfect life could be if I am careful to take one step at a time and allow nature to take its course. I thought about what I need to do to make sure I don't mess anything up or try and rush what might hopefully happen. I have a very strong vision for my future, but I have come to realize that I can't control whether or not that future plays out the way I want.
I don't know if I'll ever get the one birthday present I've wanted for 15 years. I don't know if what's currently happening in my life is real, or just a dream that I will eventually wake up from. What I do know is that my heart is being carried around in a very delicate box, and I don't want to make any sudden moves that could cause the box to break, shattering my heart in to a million pieces right along with it.
It's kinda scary. It's kinda exciting. It's kinda frustrating.
To have feelings that you have to keep locked away and try and contain them is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I would like nothing more than to scream from the rooftops how I truly feel. Well, actually, I'd rather someone else want to scream from the rooftops and tell me how they feel, but I don't know if that will ever happen.
What I can say is that right now, I'm on Cloud 7. It's pretty high up there, and I don't know if I'll keep climbing to that coveted 9 spot, or if I'm in for a long, painful plummet back to earth... but I'll keep surfing in the clouds for as long as I need to.
I'm trying with all my might to get in to a mindset that releases my urge to be in control and plan everything out. I'm trying, but it's hard. But, when is anything easy? Right. What I can say is that I hope this year is the year everything finally falls in to place. I've been told by countless people that I should write a book about my life and the romantic love story that has unfolded over the course of fifteen years. I would love to write that book, but I can't do that without knowing how the story is going to end. I know how I'd like for it to all work out, and that would be like all good stories turn out: With a happy ending. Two people torn apart, brought back together by fate, or destiny, or the luck of the draw (depending on whatever you believe), and then living happily ever after. They say that those stories never really work out in the real world. It sure would be nice if my story was an exception.
I may not be able to know if I'll ever get my "happily ever after" love story, but I do know that I'll gladly take the happy right now scenario that's playing out. I am happy, despite all the turmoil that's currently going on in my life. And, I just need to hold on to this happiness and let it grow and change the way it's meant to.
So, Happy Birthday to Me!! It was a great one, and hopefully there will be many more just as good in the years to come.