This weekend was a great weekend for me, both physically and mentally. I had fun. I laughed. I got out and enjoyed myself. And that was good, because it helped me realize that I'm really starting to move on and accept the fact that I'm single, and there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that.
Back when I was single the last time, around nine years ago, it was hard on me. I was working a job that barely got me by, I really didn't have that many friends, and I did nothing but work and hang out at my house with the kids. But, it was also when I found the strength that I needed that told me I didn't need a man to rely on for companionship or comfort. I was single for four years, and those four years may have been a little lonely, but they were also very good for me mentally.
In those four years, I remember there were many times that I thought about moving on and finding someone else, but I didn't do much in order of searching. I got myself to the point where I was content with being single, and I knew that I could handle raising my kids completely by myself.
It's amazing that in the last couple of days, that same feeling has washed over me. Only five days ago, I was crying myself to sleep and my heart hurt beyond any form of physical pain that I had endured. But, once I had that surge of anger and determination I wrote about on Friday, I told myself that enough was enough. No more tears. No more worrying. No more sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone to swoop me in to their arms and tell me everything is going to be OK. Because you know what? I don't need anyone else to tell me everything is going to be OK.... I know everything is going to be OK.
For the past month, I've been living in this fantasy dream world. It's almost like I've been waiting to wake up and find out that it's not real, it's all been some terrible and wonderful dream. And yesterday, I finally woke up. Even though I have been really living what's going on, I have been doing so with the fantasy in my mind. I've been telling myself that certain situations are going to work out they way I want them to, and I just need to hang in there and wait for it to happen.
But, yesterday, I realized that I have been giving and giving and giving in order to try and prove that I am worthy, I am there for the person that needs me, and that I would do anything and go through anything to prove that I mean everything I say in order to try and help my fantasy future play out.
But, what about my needs?
Who's there for me?
I will gladly prove my loyalty and worth to someone who I think deserves it, but why should I have to?
I am my own person. I will and have made MANY mistakes in my life. I am not perfect. I'm going to mess up and do things I'm not proud of. But, I make sure that I learn from my mistakes and failures and use them to move forward.
If someone I care about makes mistakes, treats me wrong, or upsets me, I have forgiveness in my heart. I will gladly forgive, and then move on. In fact, the right person can do just about anything to me and I'll forgive them. I have the ability to do that. Sometimes, I may need a little time to calm down, but it's not very long before I just let it go. That's what unconditional love is, right? There are no conditions to the love that I give. In fact, I can honestly sit here right now and think of only one condition I would place, and that would be to not hurt my children. My children are the only people on this planet that has 100% unconditional love... but the person that I love has 98%, so that's pretty close.
So, I think it's only fair that if I offer up unconditional love to a person, I can at least get some form of appreciation in return and not be made to feel like I'm constantly having to prove myself. My proof comes in my actions, what I will gladly do for someone. I don't need to be tested, because I have done nothing but show my worth.
This weekend, someone told me that they are blown away with how loving, patient, kind, and forgiving that I am. And that person was right. I am all of those things, for the right person. But, I have accepted the fact that thinking about being all of those things for the right person may not be what's best for me right now.
I need to stop giving all of myself to try and fix someone else, and start focusing on fixing me.
I have been putting my needs, my emotions, and my state of mind on the back burner in order to focus on making sure someone else is happy and has what they need. And, back when I was single last time, that was the one thing I told myself I'd never do again. I will not tear myself down in order to build up someone else.
Nothing changes in the way I feel. Nothing changes in the fact that I will absolutely keep my promise of being there. Nothing changes in the fact that I will do everything in my power to help. But, sometimes the best way of being there for someone is by not being there. Sometimes the best way of helping is by not helping. And I think I've figured out that I have pushed the scales WAY over to the other side, and in order to balance myself out, I need to step back and reevaluate.
Life is too short to spend time being unhappy. Life is too short to sit and wait for something great to come along. If I want greatness, I need to get out there and live it. Make memories, make mistakes, live life to the fullest. There's not time for dwelling and waiting.
One day, my dreams may come true. One day, I may get what I've wanted for the past fifteen years. However, I will not sit by and let my life pass me by holding on to the hope of "one day". Today is what matters, today is what counts.
And today, is going to be a good day!!