Well, my four day weekend ended up turning in to a ten day snowmageddon break thanks to about 4" of snow that fell on Monday. Not that I'm complaining. It's been nice spending some time at home, and it's been good for me. Especially so the past couple of days.
I've come to another one of my realizations, and even though I've said it many times before... I really think I get it now. I get where I've been going wrong, I get what I've been doing wrong, and I get what I need to do from here. And that's a good way to feel.
So, here goes.
He wants to be friends. That was hard for me to swallow. I wanted more, and my lack of patience was messing up my thoughts, playing with my head. I have never been much of a patient person. I've always been the type of person who, if I want something, want it RIGHT NOW. But, I should know better than anyone that it takes time to get something I really want. The good in my life didn't come instantly, it all took time. A lot of time. And I had to work really hard to get everything I wanted.
Why I didn't see it for this situation, I don't know. But, I do now.
Being friends has the potential of being really good for us. Spending time together, enjoying each other's company, getting to know each other again. Because the truth is, we're not the same kids we were fifteen years ago. Both of us have changed, been through a lot, and even though I still believe there's a reason we were brought back together, I have to understand that we need time to take a step back and get to know each other again.
When I first fell in love with him fifteen years ago, we were the best of friends. We really did enjoy spending time together, hanging out, and we could talk and laugh for hours. And, I got a glimpse of that yesterday when we hung out. I laughed, I really enjoyed the time together, and it wasn't a moment that went by that I had that stabbing pain in my chest that told me I was sad or unhappy about anything. When I left, I felt really good, happy. It had been a really great day without any emotional crap. And I realized I can be OK with that. Just being friends, being there for each other, and taking the time we both need to get to know each other again.
I still stand strong to the belief that there is nobody else out there for me. I have no desire to even look, to be honest. I don't need love right now, I need support, happiness, and FUN. And I will get that by giving my support to him, doing what I can to make him happy, and having fun with him. Because those things are what truly make me happy.
I can't explain how much joy I get from seeing him smile, hearing him be excited about something, or joking around about stuff. It warms my heart. And that's what's important. I'm happy when he's happy. So, bringing in emotional baggage is the fast lane to upsetting him... so I'm going to stay clear away from that route.
I really can be happy with just being friends. I am excited about it, actually.
It gives me time to understand my feelings, gives him time too. We can enjoy each other's company, we already know that... so why on earth I couldn't just be happy with that, I don't know. Because that's all I really want, to spend time with him. He makes me happy, even without the lovey dovey stuff. And, I get the most happiness from making him happy. Spoiling him. Being there for him.
And that's what I'm going to do.
Like I keep saying, I have no idea what the future holds. I have my own vision for what I'd like for it to be, but I can't force anything. I have no power over what will be. I just have to take one day at a time, and enjoy the ride.
I can spend my time moody, sad, and pushing him away, or I could spend my time, happy, content, and enjoying our time together.
And, when it comes down to it... I've got nothing but time. Time to enjoy life, be happy, and wait and see what happens.