Well, it looks as though being alone for Valentine's Day was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. It really did help me clear my mind, sort through my priorities, and realize it's time to let some stuff go. Well, let one specific person go. I made some very important realizations and I'm sick and tired of being controlled and broken down by my emotions. I don't give a rat's behind what my heart tells me, I do know that my brain has decided enough is enough.
I'm too good a person and have too much love to give to waste it on someone that doesn't want it.
So, I have made the decision that I am releasing him. We can be friends, sure, but I'm done trying to prove that I'm the one he can always count on. I'm done being the one he knows he can always count on. If friends is what he wants, friends is what he's going to have. Just friends. Nothing more, nothing less.
But, there's one very different aspect between us "just" being friends. Before I was his friend because I wanted to prove to him how much I loved him and hoped that one day we'd be more than friends. He had even told me on several occasions that we were "just friends" because he wasn't ready for a relationship and just needed time.. BUT that he saw a future with me. I have loved him for fifteen years, so in my mind I would have gladly waited another fifteen years if I had to. Just as long as I knew that there was a possibility that one day it was going to happen. That's all changed, situations have changed, and he's just not interested anymore.
I don't know if it's some kind of test to see how much I'd put up with, but I've gotten to the point where I'm done being tested. I can put up with a lot, but sometimes I have to take a step back and ask myself if it's worth it. Why should my love be put to the test when I've done nothing but give my love and show my love?
So, it's not worth putting in my time and effort to someone that doesn't appreciate the love I have for them. It's time to focus on giving that love to myself, and then eventually to someone that will appreciate it.
Now, we're going to be friends. Well, let me tell you how that works. I have lots of friends. They are people I talk to occasionally on Facebook or I'll text with. Every now and then I might go out and do something with some of my friends, but very rarely. Do I go out of my way to do everything and anything they need me to do? No. I don't have that kind of relationship with my "friends".
My kindness, generosity, and love is only given to a VERY select few. The ones I love and the people I consider family. "Friends" don't get anymore than that. They don't call me asking for help, they don't count on me to get stuff done for them, and they definitely don't get me going out of my way to try and make them happy. They are just people in my life who I've had some kind of contact with and remained in contact with.
Even my very best friend doesn't get much more from me than the occasional text, and we'll have a girls' night out every once in a while to chat and gossip about our lives.
That's just how I am with friends. Because if I was always there for all of my friends, I'd have nothing left to give the ones I love.
This past week, I've received some texts and messages from a couple of guys that want to take me out. They want to spend time with me. They want to get to know me better. And I've shut each and every one of them down, because I really wasn't interested in anyone else but him. I felt that even though we weren't "together", I had a loyalty to him. And now that we are just friends, I've decided SCREW THAT!! I'm not going to sit around sad and depressed anymore.
I'm not ready for a relationship, I know that. But, I'm not willing to sit around all sad and lonely for the rest of my life waiting and hoping for something to happen that won't ever happen. Why waste my life waiting? I need to live in the here and now. I need to get out there, enjoy the single life, allow some guys to spoil me for a change, and wait and see what happens.
I hear that love is found in the most unusual of places. Well, I guarantee I'm never going to find love sitting in my living room. I'm never going to find love hiding away. I'm not even going to have a good time, which is all I want right now.
So, last night I finally agreed to go out with someone that has asked me out a few times. He's a good looking guy, has sent me the most sweetest messages, and has wanted nothing more than to help cheer me up. I really don't want a relationship right now, and he knows that, but I'm also not going to sit around dwelling or brooding over how lonely I am. If nothing else, I can make some new friends. Can't ever have enough friends, right?
It's time for me to make some very drastic changes to my life. I'm no longer going to be that person that goes out of my way to chase someone that doesn't want to be chased. I think it's time I allow myself to be chased for a little while. I'm hanging up the "I'll do anything for you" card, and stop going out of my way giving, giving, giving. I think it's time I allow some giving to come my way. Even if it's nothing more than being given some attention. Because that's all I really want.
So, I release you.
And, I also release myself.
I release myself from the heartache, I release myself from the pain, and I release myself from caring so much.
It's time I move on, focus on my happiness, and find someone that will appreciate what I have to offer.