The past two days have been extremely hard on me. I've bottled and bottled, and then had to basically cry myself to sleep in order to deflate before I just explode. I've asked myself so many questions, wondered why on earth I'm allowing these feelings inside of me, and cursed myself for being so weak to handle it.
Showing my true emotions is something I just don't do. It took me a couple of years, but I was able to train myself to put up this unbreakable persona. No matter what type of pain, fear, or agony I was dealing with, nobody would know. I plant a smile on my face, go about my business, and everyone around me would think that life is just peachy... when on the inside I could be screaming and sobbing and being torn apart piece by little piece.
Which is something I'm committed to right now.
Each day, the smile is planted firmly on my face, yet inside there are so many emotions swirling around I'm about to be upgraded from Tropical Storm to Hurricane level. Which is why I have to cry myself to sleep or drive away in my car, sometimes, because I don't want anybody to see my weakness.
Over the course of my adult life, I have let very few people in to what goes on inside my head and my heart. I can talk about stuff, and write about stuff, but showing true emotion is something that very rarely happens. However, what I've found is only the people I truly care about and love are the people that have ever gotten a glimpse of the real me. A simple comment can set me off in to a tirade of emotion, and I think it scares them a little. Why on earth is this strong woman all of a sudden going so crazy? You know why? Because I love you enough to show and tell you what I really think. I love you enough to be myself, and I'm willing to take the chance on you being one of the very few that get to know that side of me. It may be a little scary and overwhelming to get to know who I am on the inside, but know that if you get my emotions... you have me. All of me. The complete me. And I can use less than one hand to tell you how many people have ever had the real me.
My weakness is the foundation of my strength. Keeping my weaknesses locked away gives me the strength to go on, deal, and manage so that I can be strong.
Last night, I received the surge of strength I've been missing, and it empowered me to answer a very difficult question that I've been playing over and over in my head...
Can I do this?
By "this", I mean, can I allow myself to continue being emotionally torn apart? Can I allow myself to be rejected, have my emotions stomped on like fallen leaves, and be tested of my loyalty?
And the answer?
Yes!! Yes. Yes. Yes.
I may fail some of the tests, but that's only because I've allowed my emotions and weakness to seep out and show themselves to a person I believe to be important enough to see them. I may get a little crazy over the rejection and emotional head games. But, that's only because I care enough to want to deal with them rather than just walking away and giving up. And I may get upset when I feel like I'm being stomped on, and my feelings are being completely lost in the wind, and that's only because I share the pain, and I just want to make it better.
You see, the trust I give to someone to see the real me also gets something in return. It means I'm willing to stand by you until the end, put up with whatever I need to put up with, and never...EVER.. give up on you. It means I'm willing to have my own emotions completely battered, bruised, and broken and still be standing strong in your corner... waiting for you to understand that I'm in it for the long haul... I'm not going anywhere. I will always be someone you can count on, that will be there for you, and will love you no matter what. Always.
That type of love is most definitely not something I'm willing to hand out to just anyone. I can share countless stories of people that have messed with my head, played with my emotions, and tested my loyalty and they received a quick, swift BYE BYE.
My emotions are fragile, but I keep them locked in a very tight safe. It takes a true force of nature to break through the lock, but once that lock is open, those emotions become empowered to deal with whatever is thrown their way. If I consider you important enough to break the lock, I am yours until the end. You can try and push me away, you can try and test my limits, but all you really do is empower me even more.
I have gone through some stages of emotional turmoil this week. I've been on cloud 9 one minute, and then burning in the fiery pits of hell the next. I've experienced happiness, excitement, fear, and sadness. And they have all taken part in creating the next stages... Anger and determination.
I am angry I let myself break down. I am angry that I overreacted and said things using my emotions rather than my head. I am angry that I felt weak and sad when I felt like everything was slipping away.
And now I'm determined.
I am determined to prove that I am worth it. I am determined to prove that I am here, and always will be. I am determined to sit on the sidelines and wait for whatever is going to come my way. And I'm determined to cover every emotional beating and still come out on the other side standing.
Weakness is my path to strength. And if you are one of the few that see my weaknesses, then you are also one of the reasons for my strength.
So, today, I am going to be strong. I'm going to start repairing the walls, and closing in the holes. I'm going to start preparing myself for whatever comes my way, and get ready for any beatings I may endure in the near future.
You will not break me. You will not push me away. You may find someone you think is better. You may find someone you want more than me. But, no matter what... I'll always be waiting on the other side, still proving my loyalty.
Why? Because you're worth it to me.