Saturday, February 28, 2015

Don't Try to Understand Me

I'm so sad and angry right now.  Why? Because yesterday afternoon, Mother Nature decided to have a mood swing and dump about 2" of snow down on us.  And to make matters worse, she must REALLY be ticked off because it's supposed to continue snowing pretty much all day long and dump another 2-4" down on us.

Why on earth she couldn't have this mood swing in the middle of the week, I don't know, but now my whole weekend is ruined... and it was THE weekend I'd been waiting on for over a month.  This weekend, I was supposed to be watching the Ronda Rousey fight with the person that has gotten me in to UFC fighting.  And it was the fight that I'd really been looking forward to, like REALLY looking forward to because I've never seen her fight an actual fight before.  

I can still watch the fight, and I plan on it.  But it won't be the same.  It's almost like Valentine's Day all over again.  I get to sit all alone in my living room, watching a fight I should be enjoying with him. And it just SUCKS!!

It's been almost a week since I've gotten to see him, and that's hard on me.  It's one of the reasons I was so upset yesterday in my blog post, because I had really wanted to spend some time with him on Thursday and he shut me down.  I let it go, though, because I knew that we'd at least be able to watch the fight together tonight... and now that's not going to happen.  Now I have no idea when we'll be able to see each other.  

Even though we are only friends, our time together is important to me.  That is not a mutual thing between us, as he made apparent on Thursday night.  It's easier for him because he has friends and family right there with him all of the time.  I don't.  It's just me and the kids at my house, now, and it sure does get pretty lonely, pretty quickly.

It's statements like the one I just made that probably led a concerned friend to post a little quote thing on my Facebook yesterday that said...

"You are responsible for your own happiness.  If you expect others to make you happy, chances are you'll end up disappointed."

There's a lot of truth in that statement, but what I don't think anyone quite realizes is the fact that he makes me happy without me expecting him to.  No, his actions don't make me happy.  The way he often treats me doesn't make me happy.  But, that's because I'm not expecting him to make me happy.. that's something that happens without anything he does.  I'm happy when he's happy, I'm sad when he's sad, I'm happy when I get to spend time with him, I'm sad when I don't.  Those are all my own choices... I AM responsible for the way I choose to be happy.  And I know that makes absolutely no sense to anyone else but me, but I understand.  It's impossible to explain.

I don't expect anything from him, because I do know that when I do I end up disappointed.  I do know that.  I understand that.  I really do.  And that's not his fault.  He's told me what to expect from him, and I continue to go along with it.  That's MY choice.  I am 100% responsible for what I continue to go through, because in the end I know that without him I'd be 100 times more unhappy than what I am right now.  

I believe in No Pain, No Gain.  In order to get some good out of something, there has to be some bad. There has to be heartbreak, upset, and disappointment in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Just being around him makes that light so much brighter.  There doesn't need to be intimacy, it's not about that.  It's just the fact that I am happy spending time with him.  

He's basically my best friend.  The best friend that I would do anything for, will do anything for, and have done everything I can, so far, to make him understand that I'm not going anywhere and I'll always be there for him.  That's my choice.  I don't expect the same from him.  I haven't asked for the same from him.  Because that's not what this is all about.  It is a one way street, and I'm driving the street alone, and that is all my own doing.

I know that it makes no sense to anyone else, but honestly?  I don't care!!  There I said it.  I'm so tired of how people look at me, judge me, feel sorry for me.  STOP IT!!  I have never asked for sympathy or understanding from anyone.  Just because I write about how sad I am sometimes doesn't mean I expect anyone to feel sorry for me... it's just my way of dealing with everything.  I am perfectly fine.  I am strong enough and smart enough to know how much I can deal with, and believe me, I was built to handle A LOT.  I would NEVER continue on this path if I didn't think I was cut out for it or strong enough to handle everything that's thrown my way.  

Maybe I do care too much.  Maybe I do worry more about him than I worry about myself.  Maybe I do put his happiness before my own.  But that's because those actions mean something to ME.  They mean a lot to me.  Nobody has ever done any of those things for me, before.  Nobody has ever cared that much about me in that way.  And I know how that feels.  It's a sad, lonely feeling.  By doing those things for him, it makes me happy... gives me some hope...challenges me to be stronger... helps me overcome my own weaknesses and insecurities.

It's no secret that I do all of those things because one day, he might realize what I've done, might realize how I've always been there, and might realize that we could be pretty freakin' happy together.  I don't know if that day will ever come, but you can bet your last dollar that I'll never give up.  

Fifteen years ago, I was told I would never amount to anything.  I would be a single mom, living on welfare for the rest of my life, struggling to make ends meet.  I didn't give up on the fact that I wouldn't allow that to happen.  I worked hard.  I paid my bills.  And I gave my kids everything they needed.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Fourteen years ago, I was told that I'd never break free from the horrible relationship I was in.  I would continue to put up with the abuse, and I'd continue to be unhappy.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd free myself, free my children, and prove that I had what it takes to be strong.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

Eight years ago, I was told I'd never be able to make it through college with two kids, working, and trying to support a family.  I didn't give up on the fact that I'd do it.  I did make it through college.  I added another child to the mix.  I worked, I studied, I took care of my kids, and I graduated.  It wasn't easy.. it was downright TOUGH.  But I did it.

I am no stranger at being told I can't do something, or I shouldn't do something.  I am no stranger to being told what's best for me, and how I should live my life.  But, you know what?  It's MY life.  I make my own choices, I do what I want to do, and I face whatever challenges are thrown my way.  Nobody controls me, nobody has that power over me... everything I do is because I have made the choice to do it.  

I appreciate the concern, I do.  But, sometimes I just gotta say what I gotta say.  

I'm a big girl.  I take on what I can handle and no more.  But, like I said, I can handle a lot.  I will gladly take on the challenges that are thrown my way.  I don't give up.  I don't walk away from something I truly want.  It just isn't who I am.  

So, it's probably best that everyone stop trying to figure me out, stop worrying about me, and let me just do my thing.  I am responsible for my own happiness, and the choices I make to achieve it are my own choices.  That is all.



  1. Joanna, people are going to care about you and worry about you because you are surrounded by good people who love you. When good people who love you read or see you upset they are going to care. You don't get to choose other people's emotional reactions for them. Be glad you are surrounded by loving people and not by a bunch of jerks who never ask or give advice or try to cheer you up. One of the things ( and you've said this yourself) that makes Noel special is that its a family. Families care about each other period~even when you don't want them to. Xoxo :)

    1. I'm definitely not asking people not to care, I'm just saying that I'm a hard person to understand lol. I love all of my Noel family, and I always appreciate the care.

  2. :). I've said this before, but you are a tough woman, and I really hope he sees this and appreciates you for it. I hope all this works out for you. In the meantime, be good to yourself too. You deserve it!

    1. Thanks, Natoria.. I appreciate the kind words. :)

  3. I'm sorry if you feel judged - unfortunately you do put all of this out there on a public blog, and you are incredibly open and honest, which is commendable! I have a blog, too, but there are some things I don't write about because I don't need public comment/concern/etc. I react to the things you write, and I like how you write so I've kept reading, and I guess as long as this blog is public, I will read (and maybe comment, even if it's not what you want to hear!) because I love reading blogs!


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