Tuesday, February 10, 2015

The Power Within


Get ready, folks... you're not going to believe this.  Today's post is going to be a HAPPY post.  Can  you believe it?  Can ya?  Can ya?

If you haven't figured it out, I'm a little excited.  For the first time in several weeks, I don't feel an ounce of stress, worry, upset, or pain.  I slept like a baby, I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for my day, and it's all because I stuck to my word about letting all the crap GO!

Yesterday was a fantastic day.  I had a great time at work, and didn't once feel the need to lock myself away because I was on the verge of tears or couldn't stand the thought of being around anyone.  The smile that was on my face wasn't planted there just to appease everyone and trick them in to thinking I was OK, it was a genuine smile.  And for the first time in a few weeks, the strength that I usually have was back in full force.  I felt UNBREAKABLE.

Nothing great happened to me, nothing changed in the way of my situation, yet after I wrote my blog post yesterday I made sure I read the words I'd written and engrained them in to my heart.  It was time to let go and focus on me.  I need to be happy before I have the ability to make anyone else happy.  I need to stop worrying so much about everyone else and give me some attention.  And it's absolutely amazing at the effect my words on my head and my heart.

What I also found is that when I told myself it was time to pick myself up and stop worrying so much about everyone else, I started to see some care and attention thrown my way.  When I opened up the barriers a little, and not keep them locked for one specific person, I received an outpouring of care and kindness.  There are people out there that care about me, and I've been locking them out because I've been so busy caring about someone else.

As soon as work got out yesterday, my phone seemed to go into overdrive.  The original plan was that I'd stay after work and get my homework finished for the week, but that didn't happen.  What happened was that I received a few text messages from some old friends, and rather than ignore them or tell them I didn't want to talk, I decided what the heck... it was time to open myself up a little.

I had a WONDERFUL conversation with a friend I haven't seen or spoken to since high school. We talked and laughed about everything and anything.  I didn't once worry that what I would say would be taken wrong, or feel like I had to censor what I had to say.  I didn't have to wait forever for a response, and I laughed about silly things that we were talking about.  In fact, it felt really weird when I was gone from my phone for a couple of minutes and I received messages asking me if I was still there.  Not something I ever usually get.  

I also received some messages with some of the nicest compliments I've received in a long time.  I posted some photos to my Facebook page, and I was blown away with some of the nice things people told me.  I don't know if they were genuine compliments, or people were just trying to be nice, but I didn't care.  The sweet words gave me a huge ego boost, and it was really just what I needed to remind myself that I'm making some positive changes in my life, and my hard work is being noticed.

Over the past couple of months, I've lost 30lbs.  Most of it from stress, but I'll take it.  I'm starting to notice the changes, and other people are too.  I've dropped two dress sizes, and the clothes that I have either fit a lot better or don't fit me anymore because they're too big.  I can put a dress on and not feel like a blimp.  I can actually take a photo of myself and not cringe at how fat my face looks or try and angle the camera just right to try and make myself look better.  And, even though I have a ways to go, I feel good about the changes I'm making for myself.

And, as bad as this sounds, it's even more encouraging when other people start taking notice of the changes and tell me how great they think I look.  

Yesterday, I think my head was inflated a couple of sizes.  In a matter of a few hours, I had received a few messages telling me how beautiful I am.  Hearing people use words such as "beautiful", "gorgeous", and "hot" to describe me usually make me cringe.  I back hand compliments like that away, and shrug them off as people just trying to be nice.  But, yesterday, I'll admit it... I kinda liked it.  It felt really nice to hear such nice things said about me.  I still ended up back handing some compliments away, but I had a big smile on my face during the process.

I guess the truth of the matter is, I'm so used to trying to build everyone else up that I don't usually ever worry or accept other people trying to build me up.  I am usually giving so much of myself to someone else, that I don't think about other people trying to give to me.  

With everything that's going on in my life right now, I've realized that it's OK to take some attention.  It's OK to take a break from worrying so much about everyone else and be OK with worrying a little about myself.  It's OK to smile, laugh, and remind myself that everything is going to be A-OK.  

The weakness, pain, and hurt I felt last week was needed.  I'm a firm believer in learning from my mistakes, and I made several during those few days.  I let my guard down, I became someone I'm not, and I let my vulnerability be used against me.  That can't happen.  I'm too strong for that.  I am anything but weak, yet I may have moments of weakness.  And that's OK.  I very rarely show my weakness, and when I do it means I'm opening myself up... which is something that is equally as rare.  But, when that weakness is thrown back in my face, I use it to empower me even more.  You want strength?  I'll show you strength.  

Many people underestimate me or think of me as this sweet, kind, innocent, girl.  But, there's a darkness inside of me that motivates me and pushes me to be strong and independent.  I need nobody.  Under the sweet innocent smile I plant on my face is a power that waits in the shadows for the right moment to be unleashed.  And when my strength comes to the surface... watch out.  

I bow down to no one.  I take orders from no one.  I do what I want, when I want, and need no permission to do so.  

I was told yesterday that any man I ever end up with will be one very lucky guy.  I'm not sure that's so true, apparently the guys I've been with weren't so lucky.  But, I also told myself that it's true.  I have so much love in my heart to give.  I will do anything to make someone happy.  I will give all of myself to the right person.  And if there's a guy out there that's lucky enough to break through my layers and get to know the real me, then there's a whole life of happiness awaiting him.  But, I'm done thinking about what I have to give to someone else.  My strength is being rebuilt, my layers are being replaced, and I'm working on replenishing and storing myself up.

Right now, though, is not the time to think about love.  It's not the time to think about what I am prepared to give to someone else.  Right now, it's time to enjoy life, be happy, not worry so much, and let go of all the stress I can't control.

My strength is back....I am whole.... and there's no stopping me now!


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