I'm here writing today because yesterday was a rough day. I'm sad that the only time I think about writing is when I'm sad, but those days seem to be getting less frequent so that's a plus. I'm sure that once I start to get on my feet and accept all that has happened these past couple of weeks, I'll be able to write about more than my sappy feelings.
Anywho, yesterday was one of those days I felt really lonely. Like, completely alone. And the worst part was that when I tried to reach out for some comfort, I realized how truly alone I am.
You see, I'm the type of person that is there for the people I care most about. No matter what. Everyone that knows how much I care for them also know that they could pick up the phone or text me at ANY time of the day or night and I'd be there for them. If they need to talk, they need help with something, or if they just need or want anything, I'll do whatever I can to help them out. And, for the most part, I have no expectations on what I do for people. I don't do strings. If I help you out, I'm doing so because I want to, not because I feel obligated or guilted in to it. Believe me, I know how to use the word "no" if I felt like I had to.
But, even though I never put conditions on the help and support I offer, I do often start to realize in my time of need that I give, and give, and give, but no one is ever really there to return the favor.
Now, I know that I have people that care about me. I know that I can text or call Sanity any time of the day or night and she'd be there for me to talk to. I know that I could call P-Momma anytime of the day or night and she'd be there for me to talk to. I know that I could call up C's family anytime of the day or night and they'd be there for me to talk to. They all care very much about me, and I love them for that.
But, being single brings about a different kind of loneliness. It's not about having close friends and family there for support, it's about missing out on the type of support that comes from having someone to hold me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be OK. It's missing someone snuggling up against me in bed. It's about missing the goodbye kisses, the hello kisses, and the kisses that come just because. It's missing the cute little text messages asking how my day is going or that someone is missing me or thinking about me. It's missing the feelings that come from being called "babe".
Luckily, I never really got any of those things, so I can't really miss what I didn't have. Right?
I think being single has made me realize how I've missed out on having all of those things, how much I want all of those things, and how I hope to one day have those things in my life.
It's even worse, I suppose, that I have a particular vision for my future that include all those things, yet I have a niggling feeling inside that they may never come.
I don't like to be referred to as "single". It's such a lonely word. I mean, the literal meaning of single is one. Just me. I'd much rather think of myself as "on reserve", biding my time until someone comes along, swoops me off my feet, and wants to offer me all of the things I want and need to take away the loneliness.
Some may read this and wonder why on earth I'm already thinking about some of these things when I've only been single for a couple of weeks. I shouldn't already be thinking about love again, right? But, the sad truth is, I've been single for a very long time. Years, in fact. It's been years since I've felt intimacy, the closeness that comes from having someone that loves me and showers me with affection, or me showering someone else with affection.
Ending my relationship was just the nail in the coffin. It was just coming to the realization that I've technically been single for a very long time, and just making it official. It wasn't always that way, but it has been for the past couple of years.. and that's a long time to feel so alone.
I have so much love in my heart to give to someone who wants to love me back. When I love, I love with everything inside of me. I give every bit of me. And I'm realizing that I'm bursting with the feelings of wanting just a small amount of that in return. I will gladly give every part of me to make someone I love happy, but I need to remember that I need a little of that coming back to me or I start to feel burnt out and even more lonely.
I truly feel that there is someone out there that's willing to give me the love that I need. I believe that there is someone that has my heart on reserve, waiting to show me what love is truly about. I have no idea how long it'll be before that person will swoop in, but I won't ever give up hope that it'll happen. Eventually.
Until that happens, though, I need to focus on me. Being single. Being one. Sure, it's a lonely feeling, especially since I have so much love in my heart to share with someone... but I'm not going to give up hope that one day someone will prove to me that want that love, they need that love, and they are willing to show me just as much love as I show them.
True love does exist. I've seen it. I've felt it. Maybe one day, I can have it again.