Yesterday was one of those days that drained my emotions and left me with that "I'll be so glad when this day is over" feeling. I hate days like that. But, they seem to come less frequent than they did a few weeks ago. And that's because I honestly think I'm starting to wake up from my dream world, realize what's going on around me, and understand that I'm not a door mat for people to walk all over.
I am convinced that there are just some people in this world who can't be pleased. No matter what you do for them or what you're willing to do for them, it's never enough. And it's so emotionally draining to the soul, that you have to finally stand up and say enough is enough. You can't appreciate me? You can't understand the sacrifices and the lengths I go to for you? Then, shove it where the sun don't shine and move on, my friend.
Peanut and I had a long conversation in the car, yesterday, and it was a great wake up call to who I am, who I am becoming, and who I am meant to be. That girl is WAY beyond her years, and her wisdom speaks volumes. She notices her surroundings, takes in everything, lets it digest a while, and then speaks her mind. That's one thing I can say I had a lot to do with instilling inside of her. Even though I may be a little impulsive and react without thinking everything through, recently, I haven't always been like that. I have, up until a few months ago, been the person that plans, prepares, calculates, and thinks about EVERYTHING.
The only thing I don't like is the fact that she can read me like a book. If she asks how my day was and I tell her it was good, fine, or OK, she can look at me and know instantly if I'm being honest or if I'm just giving her the generic response of "don't worry about me". Yesterday was one of those days where she was able to call me out in an instant. Even though I don't like to tell her what's bothering me or what my problems are, she can usually make a pretty good assessment of a situation and figure stuff out for herself. Yesterday, that was the case. She didn't know what was bothering me, she just knew something was bothering me. But, it wasn't about what was bothering me that made her take notice, it was the way I was handling it. She noticed the anger rather than the sadness, and that actually made her happy.
Peanut told me that she didn't like the person I was a few weeks ago. The woman that cried herself to sleep, cried if a certain song came on the radio, hid away from everyone, and in her words was "depressed". She told me that I'm not that person. She's seen me go through a lot of bad stuff over the years, and one thing she's always loved about me is my fighter attitude. The never give up, it will all work out attitude. The I will kick your rear if you mess with me attitude. And yesterday, she noticed I'm starting to get it back.
And she's right.
I have really lost sight of who I am, the past couple of months. I am the woman that demands respect. You show me respect, I'll show you respect. I will be honest with you, and I expect that in return. Trust is something I don't give out easily, so if I give it to you then it means something. And loyalty is something I only give to those that truly stand out from the pack. I am loyal to my children, unconditionally. And if someone else manages to fall in to that category of earning my loyalty, they have won the jackpot... because it does NOT come easily. What I'm willing to do for those I am loyal to is pretty much go to the ends of the earth. There's not much I wouldn't do, actually. Which is why it is such a rarity in my being to give it to anyone but my kids.
But, as Peanut brought light to yesterday, it wasn't respect for others that I had lost, it was respect for myself. I was so willing to please someone else, I was giving up who I am. I was breaking myself down, losing myself in the shuffle. I was grasping at straws that weren't there, clinging to hope that was long gone, and praying to all things holy that my actions (however pathetic they were) would speak volumes of my respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty for someone else. But, what about the respect, honesty, trust, and loyalty that I deserve?
So, I decided to come up with a little acrostic of how I define respect...what I expect, and how I show it. Here goes...
R - Realize what is being done for you
E - Eliminate those that don't appreciate you or what you're willing to do
S - Stand strong, and don't let others walk all over you
P - Practice humility and understand the feelings of others
E - Empower yourself, and take notice of what empowers you
C - Care for those that show you care
T - Trust your instincts
That's what respect means to me, or some of it. I take notice when someone goes out of their way for me, and I expect others to do the same when I go out of my way for them. If people don't understand the sacrifices I make for them or how much I do for them, it's time to eliminate them from my life. Then, there's more to go around for the people that do appreciate what I do. When life is breaking me down, I need to stand strong and understand that it will all work out. Nothing has broken me before, it's not going to break me now. I need to practice humility and understand what others may be feeling. The problem I have is putting other people's feelings before my own, and that's something I really need to work on NOT doing. I am empowered by my weaknesses and I notice those weaknesses. Then I use them to build myself up and move on. Caring for others is something I can do, but it's choosing the right people. If I'm draining myself for the sake of someone else, there are changes that need to be made. And, trusting my instincts is imperative. I am a strong believer of everything happening for a reason. Some of the things I do may not make sense at the time, but eventually I get to understand why I fought the battles in the first place.
I am so sick and tired of being the person people know they can depend on. I am sick and tired of being the person that cares so much about making others happy, that I lose my own happiness in the process. I am so sick and tired of being the first person on someone's list if they need something, when my own list of people I can call upon is empty. And I'm so sick and tired of being taken at face value, when there's so much more to me that people don't even know exists.
Peanut was right yesterday, I am not the person I've been showing the past few weeks. It's not who I am. I changed who I was because I thought that was what was wanted... but I'm quickly realizing that I've spent too much of my life changing for the sake of others. I change myself to please others. I do things I don't want to do, I put a smile on my face when I'm dying inside, and I pretend that life is peachy when I want to scream my lungs out.
It's time to let that go and have a little respect for myself. I am who I am. If that's not good enough, then so be it. I'm done pretending. I'm done trying to be someone that I'm not. And I'm most definitely done with cowering down and locking myself in to myself.
I respect myself too much to allow it to continue anymore.
So, have a great day, everyone. I'm going to. No. Matter. What.