Going back to work yesterday was tough, after being off for ten days. I mean, I enjoyed being there, I enjoyed seeing my kiddos, and I had a good day, but I was exhausted by the time it was all over. My head hurt, and I wanted to do nothing more than lay on the couch. Couldn't do that, though, cause I had to work on my paper that's due this Wednesday. I'm hoping to get that finished up this evening, and then I'm on the home stretch until the next class starts in a couple of weeks.
Anywho, I've realized that when I'm tired, I have the weirdest thoughts. I start thinking about the day's events, who I've spoken to, what I've done, things that I've enjoyed, and things that drive me nuts. Last night my head was swirling with some of the things that upset me when they really shouldn't. I guess I call them pet peeves, but I'm not really sure that's what it is. It's more like me getting irritated by stuff that probably shouldn't irritate me.
Case in point today? Being called "sweet".
I don't know why, but when someone says I'm sweet, I get a nasty pull in my stomach. When someone says "you're too sweet", in my head I hear "ugh, I could barf" or "haha, you're such a pushover". Or it's a combination of them both... "you're so sweet, I could barf at how much of a pushover you are".
I know it's stupid, and being called sweet should be taken as a compliment. But, I've never claimed for my mind to work right. I think my blogs over the past few weeks have proven that I'm not exactly the owner of a clear mind, so I guess I can't be blamed for how I take silly little things like being called "sweet".
I guess it also has a lot to do with who it's coming from and what context it's being used in. I guess it also depends on which people have gotten to know the different sides of me. There are many sides to me.
If you ask the kiddos in my class for words to describe me, I highly doubt you'd hear "sweet". They'd say I'm funny, I can be a little mean sometimes, I am fun, and I care a lot about them. Maybe. HA!
If you ask my kids, depending on the day, they'd probably say I'm loving, caring, funny, and hardworking. They'd also probably tell you not to tick me off if you wanna see the good side.
If you ask my best friend, she'd probably say I'm funny, loyal, a little crazy, but someone who doesn't take crap from anyone... or almost anyone.
If you asked my boss, he'd probably say I'm passionate, caring, strict, and I care about my job and how well I do it.
If you asked someone who doesn't care for me at all and has good reason not to, they'd tell you I'm a bitch, I'd kick their behind in a heartbeat, and not to cross me. Because if they hate me for a reason, then the reason I've given comes with all of those things.
Being called "sweet" just isn't a word I'm used to hearing, and I've decided that I don't like it. Call me crazy, you won't be the first, but it's just how I roll. If I've gone in to "sweet" territory, then I've passed a border I'm not happy about crossing. I don't mind being called nice, or thoughtful, or even caring... but even those words need to be taken with a grain of salt. I guess I can be nice, I can be pretty thoughtful, and for the right people I am very caring... but it takes a while before you can get me to those points, unless you're someone I really care for.
I guess it's not so much being called "sweet", but more of how I'm looked at. If the impression you have of me is "she's such a sweet girl", then I'm probably guarding myself up, keeping my mouth shut, and the fire that burns inside of me isn't igniting like it should around you.
I actually take pride from not being sweet. I'm a fighter. I'm passionate. I'm strong. A little crazy? Yes, sometimes.. but my craziness comes from the fact that I'm fueled by emotion. I guess it's why I write so much. It's hard to process the thoughts that are constantly running through my head, and sometimes I think it's better to just keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face, and let you believe that I'm a sweet girl rather than let you know what's really going on up there.
Calling me sweet, in my mind, is saying I did something nice just because that's who I am - a nice person. It says nothing about the purpose or the motivation. Like I'm just programmed to be that way, and that I'm that way for everyone.
That's not me.
If I do something nice, there's a purpose. There's a motivation. And, if those things aren't apparent, then I've slipped in to a territory I don't want to be in.
There's purpose and motivation in everything I do.
Sometimes my silly thoughts are nothing more than that: Silly thoughts. Maybe this is one of them. Maybe.
But, when I take in my surroundings, I quietly watch from the sidelines, and I start to see events unfolding before my eyes that raise some caution, I start to put pieces together.
And today is one of those dangerous days. My mind is flaring at 100mph. I've been watching. I've been taking everything in. I've been processing. I've been reflecting.
I've come to the conclusion that I definitely take things wrong, I take things out of context, and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I overthink everything.. constantly. But, and it's a BIG BUT, don't underestimate me. Don't assume anything about me.
Me being "sweet" probably means I have my guard up. It probably means my walls are firmly in place. It means you could only be seeing the surface of me. And it probably means you think I'm just a nice person.
I am a nice person. I can be. But that's not all there is.