Wannna hear something crazy? Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this in the first place.. right?
After I wrote yesterday's blog, I felt guilt. GUILT. Gut-wrenching, nauseating, and crippling guilt for what I had written and admitted in that post.
Then, I started seeing the comments posted on Facebook about how people were happy I was moving on, I started getting text messages telling me people were happy for me, and that they were glad I was leaving that "jerk" behind. I was receiving encouragement for giving up, and that made the guilt a hundred times worse.
So, today, I need to clear a few things up.
First and foremost, the man I love with all my heart is NOT a jerk, an idiot, an a-hole, or any of the other things said about him yesterday.
You don't know him like I do. You don't know his story, what he's been through, or why he's made or making the decisions he's made. And if the words I write make you think that about him, then I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you, and more importantly to him.
Just because he doesn't love me the way I love him doesn't make him a bad person or a mean person or anything but a person that has his own stuff to deal with, and he definitely doesn't need to be made to feel bad for his feelings. Every person has the right to feel the way they want to feel... that doesn't make them bad, it makes them strong. And, at the end of the day, nobody knows what will happen in the future. I definitely don't hate the guy because he doesn't love me as much as I love him.
Second, just because I have agreed to not sit and wallow in self pity or sit around hoping and praying that some miracle will happen to make him love me doesn't mean I'm giving up on him. It doesn't mean I'm turning my back on him. It doesn't mean that I'm never going to speak to him again, that I hate him, or that I want nothing to do with him.
A couple of months ago, I made him a promise. The promise that I would ALWAYS be there for him. I promised that I would help him however I could, do whatever he needed me to do, and be there for him through thick and thin. If every other person on this planet gave up on him, he could count on the fact that I'd be the one person still standing in his corner, willing to do whatever I needed to do to make him happy.
That promise hasn't changed.
I know there are people out there that wonder why on earth I would be willing to do so much for a guy that doesn't give much in return. I know there are people out there that think he's taking advantage of my kindness. I know that there are people out there that wish I would just turn my back on him, forget about him, and move on with my life.
But, I can't do that. No matter what, he knows I'll be there. He has to know I'll be there.
So, along comes the question of why? Why do I feel so much obligation to him? Why do I continue to do so much for him?
Well, this may sound stupid and juvenile to some of you, but here goes....
Fifteen years ago, he was taken from me. Without notice, without warning. And when that happened, a piece of my heart was ripped away from me. For fifteen years, I tried to fill that hole. I tried everything in my power to try and mend the damage that had been caused. But, no matter what I did, the hole was always there.
Last year, for the first time in fifteen years, that hole started to feel some healing. When he and I first started talking again. I knew I was with another man, and I feel terrible for feeling the way I felt when I spoke to him. But, my heart felt full, alive, and I felt truly happy. The relationship with the man I was with had long since died, and it was speaking to him that kept my heart beating with encouragement.
Then, I drove to Tennessee in December to finally bring him back here. It was like all the prayers and wishes and hopes I had were starting to come true. For the entire fifteen years we were apart, I knew at some point we would find each other again. Not necessarily as lovers, but we would gravitate back together. No matter what anyone believes, there is a connection between us that has never been broken. Will never be broken. It just may run a different course than what I had originally thought.
And since he's been back here, I have never felt more alive and whole in fifteen years. My heart has found it's missing piece. My heart has been put back together.
Sure, I've felt pain, I've felt upset, I've felt agony... and that's because I had some fairy tale love story played out in my head. In the past couple of months, I've done things I'm not proud of. I've given in to him because I thought that's what I needed to do to make him happy. But, I have quickly realized that's not what he needs. He needs someone strong, someone willing to stand up to him, someone that won't be broken and crippled at his whims and desires. And I may have realized that a tad too late, but I haven't given up the fact that I can still be that person. I WILL still be that person.
I can't describe with words the love that I have for him. I can't describe the way he makes me feel, or the emotions and feelings that are driven by his very being. Just the sight of him takes my breath away. The smell of him makes my heart beat uncontrollably. His arms wrapped around me makes me feel like nothing on this planet can ever hurt me. His absence makes me hurt to the depths of my soul.
I truly and wholly believe that no man will EVER give me the feelings that he give me.
Believe me, I've tried finding it somewhere else. But, in my heart I know it will never happen.
Can I be happy with someone else? Sure. And I may end up that way. That's OK. But, one thing I know for sure, is that I will ALWAYS be there for the man I love with ALL of my heart. Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, I will go to Hell and back for him if I have to. No. Matter. What.
I know that some people will read this and feel sorry for me, or think that I'm stupid, or wonder what the heck I'm thinking. But, hopefully some of you, that have been truly in love, will read this and understand. You'll see where I'm coming from. You'll connect with the sacrifices I'm willing to make for him, the lengths I'm willing to go.
One thing is for sure, though, is that I'm done being the push-over. I'm done being the weak one that gives in to his whims and desires. I will be there for him. I will take care of him. I will always do whatever I can to make him happy... even if I'm not a part of that equation. And, I will also take care of myself, focus on my own happiness, and keep myself out the funk that I allowed myself to fall in to.
So, don't try to understand me or my situation. Please don't cast judgement on things you don't understand. I understand. And that's all that matters.