I firmly believe that life is made up of a series of tests. Every event that happens in life is a test. A test to our will, our love, honesty, our loyalty, or commitment. We can either fight to make it through the test, cheat, or just give up all together.
Sometimes we can fight to try and make it through, we can study, prepare, and try and control the situation, but the truth is, some tests don't always have to have a positive result.
When I look back on my life, there are TONS of bad things that have happened to me. I have often asked myself what I did to deserve some of the trials and tests I've been put through and ended up failing. But, last night, I realized that some tests may seem like they can't be passed, yet just because one bump in the road occurs, it doesn't mean the test is over. I've realized that some tests can't be passed no matter what, yet it doesn't mean it's the end of the road.
If you fail a test, you just pick yourself up and figure out where you went wrong. You go through and figure out the wrong answers, and try and figure out a way to correct them. And then you take the make-up test.
Every failed test in my life has pushed me to work harder, try harder, and learn. And after the blow of a failed test has passed me, I end up with some good lessons that come out of it.
But, one thing I can definitely pride myself on is that I have NEVER given up when the going gets tough. If anything, when life gets a little tough, I get a little tougher. I find strength inside of me that I didn't know I had. I move away from being that sweet, caring, push-over and start to unleash my true emotions and feelings. Don't mess with me when I'm down... because I always get back up, and there's a good chance I'm coming up swinging.
Sleep didn't come to me last night. I cried a little, got mad about crying, and then just laid there letting the thoughts run through my head. I didn't try and stop them, I didn't try and sort them out, I just made myself try and listen to what was going on.
What I realized is that I'm so tired of being thought of as weak. I'm so tired of being told that I can't do something or I won't do something.
Many years ago, I was told I would never amount to anything. I would spend my life trying to make ends meet, and that I had ruined my life by some of the choices that I had made. And on that day, I made the commitment to myself that I would show them. I'd prove them wrong. Don't EVER tell me I won't do something.
Last night, my patience was tested. I wanted to scream, hit, and shake some sense in to myself. What the heck am I doing? Why the heck am I doing it? No matter what I say, I get thrown the line that I can't handle what's going on. But, the more I hear that I can't handle it, the more I am fueled to prove you wrong.
My emotions are riding along on the most extreme of roller coasters. There have been so many times that I've wanted to scream to be let off. I have tried to convince myself that keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground is the safe route, what's best for me. But, that's not going to happen. No matter how bad I want to puke, pass out, or scream in terror from this ride, it is helping me become stronger, handle more, and learn a lot about myself.
Something else I realized, there's a very good chance I may be riding this ride for a VERY long time and end up crashing and burning at the end. But, you know what? I'm OK with that. I've accepted the fact that I'd much rather stay on a roller coaster for the rest of my life, than spend the rest of my life "playing it safe".
I think I'm a good person, and I often don't think it's fair the way my emotions are being played with. But, I also know that it's all part of the test. Life isn't always fair, I know that probably better than anyone. There are very few easy tests in life, and if I didn't get my head messed with a little, I'd probably end up bored.
I also think that I'm the middle of probably THE most important test of my life. The one that I've been told over and over again that I'm going to fail. The one that I've never wanted to pass more in my life.
The test of my love, my loyalty, my word, and my commitment.
I am ready to chance being broken, beaten, and torn down. I may make a few mistakes, I may not always give the best answers, but I'm ready to break out of this cutesy little shell I've been hiding in for so long. I'm ready to show the real me.
And when I say there is NOTHING you can do to push me away. I mean it. You may win at pushing me away from your physical self, but one thing that you can never control is my heart. You may win at breaking me to the core, but like I said... be prepared for me to come right back swinging.
My actions most definitely speak louder than words. My actions will prove themselves. My determination and strength will get me through. I will not be broken.
Bring on your tests...go ahead....
No matter what you think or believe: I'm ready.