Monday, February 16, 2015

Moving Forward and Not Looking Back


I woke up this morning to about 4" of snow on the ground.  Beautiful, white, fluffy snow.  The kind that's perfect for having a snowball fight or building a snowman.  And the fact that I looked out my window and thought about those things made me realize - I'm doing just fine.  

Yesterday was an AMAZING day.  Therapeutic and very surprising. 

After I wrote yesterday's post, I spent a lot of time doubting myself.  Could I really forget about being there for him?  Would I be strong enough to walk away?  Was it right to consider going out with someone, when my heart still belonged to someone else?

But, I forced myself to be strong.  Keep my head focused on moving forward, and I can only hope that eventually my heart will follow.  I'm sure it will take some time for my heart to agree with the decisions that I'm making, but my heart has had enough damage that it's not really safe to allow it to make any decisions right now.

The threat of bad weather was the perfect opportunity for me to back out of my plans.  I hate to admit it, but I even tried to use that as an excuse.  But, I couldn't help but melt at the text messages that came through asking for just an hour or two of time.  Just to meet for coffee or a quick bite to eat.  Just the chance to spend a little time with me - that he'd take whatever he could get.

And it was reading those messages that made me realize, that's what I have been doing.  I have sent those very messages.  Begging for just a little time, pleading for whatever I could get, and I wasn't about to do to him as had been done to me.  It felt so nice to feel wanted, for someone to want my attention, time with me.  So, I gave in and accepted the request of my time.

We met up and he asked me to follow him in my car.  We drove up to a lookout that looks over the whole town of Fayetteville.  It was absolutely breath taking, and I'd never even known the place existed.  At first I was kind of nervous, I mean it wasn't a coffee shop like we'd discussed.  It was a lookout on top of a mountain.  I wasn't scared about being alone, I was scared that he was trying to make more out of it than I was willing to put in.  But, when he told me that he took me there so that we could talk... I could talk... it all made sense.

So, we talked.  I talked.  I told him everything.  Everything I'd been holding in, everything I had done for the guy I was so in love with, I even told him about the horrible mistake I made last weekend and how even though it was out of my control, it was the first time in my life that I wished I could turn back time and do it all over.  

He listened.  He held my hand as I cried.  He hugged me when it got too hard to speak anymore.  And I apologized for taking his time to talk about someone else.  Then it was his turn to talk.  It was like I could almost see anger in his eyes when I apologized.  Not anger directed towards me, or the kind of anger that would scare me.  More of an anger that stemmed from disappointment or sadness.

It was then that he told me he was sorry.  Sorry that I had been through what I'd been through.  He was sorry that I had given so much of myself to someone that had thrown it away like it was trash.  Sorry that someone so beautiful, kind, and had so much love to give would be treated that way.  Sorry that I felt so much pain in my heart.  And then he told me that any man that would let me get away doesn't ever deserve me, and that he hoped I would eventually see that.  

Then, he looked in to my eyes, wiped a tear away, and told me that he will never give up on me.  

Here is a guy that just listened to me spill my guts about how much I loved another man, how much I was willing to do for that man, how much my heart completely belonged to another man, and his response was that he was going to be there for me.

He told me that I'd spent so much of my time giving to someone else, that it was time I started to see what it was like to be on the receiving end.  Told me it was time someone spoiled me a little, showed me some care, and treated me the way I deserved to be treated.  He told me that he didn't expect my feelings to change overnight, but if I allowed myself to open up a bit, move on like I said I was going to do, and embrace the chance that there was someone out there willing to fill the hole that's been left in my heart, that maybe... just maybe... he might have a chance.

It was all so overwhelming and wonderful at the same time.  

And, so, I agreed. 

I agreed to take one day at a time.  I reiterated my feelings of not wanting a relationship right now, but I was willing to spend time with him, give him the chance that I had so desperately wanted with someone else.  Why not?  I have no idea if anything will come out of it, and I was sure to make that point known, but why not at least see what happens?

We have already agreed to make some plans next weekend.  He's going to take me out and spoil me a little.  Just the thought of that makes me smile.  I'm definitely not used to being spoiled, that's for sure.  

But, what I do know is that this morning was one of the few mornings I've woken up in the past month feeling happy.  I have absolutely no idea what the future holds.  I have no idea if this guy will ever be more than just a friend.  I have no idea what kind of feelings will develop.  I meant what I said about taking one day at a time.  I deserve to have some fun.  I deserve to have some happiness.  And that's what I'm going to do.


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