Day Twenty: Thankful for My Love of Writing

We're just a week away from Thanksgiving, and I'm getting very excited for a couple extra days off work.  Yesterday afternoon, I started to not feel so great and this morning I woke up and I can't breath through my nose and my head fills like it could explode from pressure at any minute.  I'm sure it's associated with allergies or the fact that Mother Nature is having some major mood swings and the weather keeps jumping around all over the place.  One minute it's 20 degrees outside, the next day it's almost 60.

Being that I'm not feeling so great, and I really just wanted to stay in bed this morning instead of getting up to write, I decided that today I am reminded of how thankful I am for my love of writing.  OK, technically typing, but you get what I mean, right?  More specifically, I'm thankful for this blog and that it's my refuge each and every day.

I wrote my very first blog post on March 25th, 2009, and honestly I had absolutely no idea what I was doing.  I heard about this thing called a "blog" and I wanted to try it out.  My only purpose for doing it was to record my weight loss efforts, because I had been told how important it was to log the experience of trying to lose weight.  Well, I will say that I'm so very thankful that I decided to start blogging, but after writing 1,581 blog posts, I've yet to see the success that's supposed to come to my weight loss through keeping a journal.

Over the course of the past four years, I've actually started about four different blogs.  But, no matter what I want to write about or whatever reason I have for trying to start over, I always end up right back here.  This is where I belong.  I'm not sure what I would do if something were to happen to this site.  It has become my refuge, my safe haven, and it's where I let out everything I have to say.

Blogging is not a hobby for me, it's therapy.  A therapist I can visit every single day, and it doesn't cost me a penny.  I can tell it all of my problems, share all of my excitement, and it will listen.  Occasionally I'll receive a response, or some form of positive encouragement, but for the most part I have a silent therapist that just lets me vent, share, and get everything out in the open.

My love of writing started at a very young age.  Journal writing, specifically.  I remember being as young as 8 or 9 and writing in a little, private, journal now and then.  Throughout my teen years, I was an avid journal writer, writing down all of my adventures and secrets.  Then, I discovered that my mom had read my journals, and my journal days were over for a very long time.  I felt betrayed and that my secrets weren't safe if I wrote them down, so I realized that I was better off just keeping them locked in my brain.

As I grew older, I found my love of journal writing again, once I knew that I didn't have to worry about a nosy mother going through my stuff.  And, for the record I will state right here that I absolutely believe that kids should be entitled to some form of privacy if they choose to write a journal.  Unless my kid runs away or was in some kind of serious danger, and the journal was the only lead I could use, you would never find me snooping around and reading what my kids write about if they choose to write in a journal.

Anyway, as I grew older, I found my love of writing again.  I started writing in a journal and keeping track of my daily goings on.  I still have a couple of my journals from the time shortly after Peanut was born, and I plan on keeping them for her when she's older.

Once I discovered the world of blogging, my handwritten journal days were over.  I found it a lot easier to sit at the computer and type up everything that I had to say.  At first, I just focused on my weight loss efforts, because I really didn't want to share my personal life with the whole world.  Then, I realized how calming and therapeutic it was to write about my daily goings on.  I finally decided that if people were really that interested in what I had to say, then what difference did it make if I published my private thoughts on the World Wide Web?

What I didn't realize is the fact that so many people out there ARE interested in reading about my life.  Over the course of almost five years, I've racked up 201 followers and have had 218,475 hits to my blog.  For someone that just writes about every day stuff, I consider that to be pretty darned impressive.

Since I left the weight loss blogging world, the traffic to my blog has slowed down quite a bit.  I no longer receive near as many comments or emails from readers.  But, that's OK.  I have said it time and time again:  I don't write for other people. I write for myself.  It doesn't really matter to me if anybody reads my blog.  I'm glad that people do, and I feel honored that they choose to spend a few minutes reading what I have to say, but at the end of the day this blog is just my way of letting off some steam and saying whatever it is I want to get off my chest.

There are some setbacks that come from having a public blog.  Even though I'm pretty open and honest about whatever it is I want to talk about, I have to be very careful, sometimes, about what I write about or how I say it.  It doesn't matter that this is my personal blog, I have to sometimes censor myself and what I'd really like to say about certain topics.  That can be hard, sometimes, but I have learned to accept it and try and keep myself out of muddy waters.  I truly believe that everyone is entitled to an opinion on everything, but I just have to be careful how I word my opinions.  HA!

Anyway, today I'm thankful that I love writing and my blog.  My writing has always been there for me, and I know that I can turn to writing whenever I need to destress, get something off my chest, or just share whatever's on my mind.  It's amazing how therapeutic writing can be, and I'm so thankful for the thousands of dollars in therapy that it's saved me.

Now I must get ready for work.  It's our final weigh in for the weight loss challenge today, so I'm sure I'll be writing about that tomorrow.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!!

Time for Me to Blog About It

I know what you're probably thinking... what DON'T I blog about, right?  Nothing's off limits around here.  Personal stuff, classroom stuff, family, good times, bad times.  If it's on my mind, it's on my blog.

This space is my outlet, the place I share everything, my blank canvas.  I can sit down in front of my computer or iPad and let my mind paint with words.  I try to be creative and humorous, I try to be touching, inspiring, motivational.  And, I'm happy with the relationship that my blog and I have.

But, I've decided it's time to start seeing other people.

I mean, I think it's time I create a new blog.  One specifically for my classroom, or at least the Minecraft Project that I'm embarking in to.

While I LOVE sharing my life on my blog, including my teaching life, it gets a little hard to wade through the posts looking for a specific blog post I wrote about my classroom or the Minecraft project without having to hear all about my weekend, my personal woes, or my family.  And, for someone who's just interested in the classroom stuff, that's probably a little overwhelming for them to do.

So, why not have a blog that's just for my classroom?  My teaching ideas/projects.  Keeping the personal stuff right here where it belongs, and giving the professional stuff its own little home.

I've found that since starting the process for the Minecraft project, my head has been swirling with ideas.  What I want the students to do, what I want them to learn, how I want them to learn, how I want the project to play out.  But, when I try to explain my ideas, they don't sound as great.  I think I know how to fix that... by blogging about it.  That's where my talent lies, in my writing.

I can tell someone that my class is going to play Minecraft.  I can tell them the premise of the game.  I can tell them that my class will collaborate to build a world.  Yet, for the few people I've tried to explain it to, I'm met with a blank stare.  Like they don't understand what I'm talking about or what on earth playing a game will do to benefit my students' learning.

I am convinced that if I SHOW them, through a blog outlet, it may help people understand... and maybe even convince other teachers of the benefits.

A blog has the ability of allowing others to take a look inside my virtual classroom and see for themselves what's going on. I can show photos of what the kids are doing, write out the lesson plans to show the objectives, share the progress stories, kids' work, and even have the students help with creating our own webpage/blog to help bring others in on the action.

I'm already bursting with ideas for how the blog will look.  Tabs for easy navigation.  Lots of pictures.  Maybe even some videos to show the kids discussing, collaborating, and working.  A place I can easily point people to if they have questions or want more information.  And also a place I can store the action and information for my own benefit, to refer back to if needed.

I have a major opportunity with this project.  A chance to share with other teachers a way that technology and gaming can be brought in to the classroom and deepen the learning process.  Show others that technology and gaming can have a huge impact on learning variety, and a way to bring several subjects in to one place and require the students to use the skills they've learned and apply them to MANY real world applications.  OK, virtual world applications.  But, same principle.

Another major benefit I have is explaining and showing teachers that they don't have to be familiar with the game or technology for them to make it work.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I had never played the game before in my life.  I'd heard about it, sure. But, before doing some research, learning a little about the game, and spending just a few days playing it, I would never have believed that the game would have any benefit to my classroom.  It's a video game.  How on earth would that help my students learn?

And only a couple of weeks later, I'm already bursting at the seams with stories and information I want to share with everyone.  The opportunities keep coming, keep presenting themselves.  And several of the ideas have come during the couple of times my class has gotten to play.

With a dedicated Minecraft blog, I can take that information, write about it, and BAM...it's there for anyone who's interested.  No having to wade through my personal life or ramblings to find what I've discussed, or how I did it, or how to go about doing it.

I think that tonight, when I get home from work, I'm going to create the blog.  I already have a name picked out, and tomorrow I will share the link so that anybody who's interested can have a look.

It won't take away from what I do here.  There will still be my daily ramblings about life in general, and other aspects of my teaching.  My teaching is a HUGE part of my personal life, so I can't take that away from this blog.  But, having an educational blog will really help me help others.  And that's what I want that blog for.

It can be a resource for other teachers, and information source for parents, and a place to go for anyone who just has the slightest interest in reading about my gaming classroom.

As much as some people don't want to admit it, this is the technological age.  Technology has a HUGE place in the classroom, and it's almost gotten to the point where technology just HAS to be a part of the learning process.  Using a computer, understanding how it works, discovering the abilities and opportunities technology offers.  I may teach in a school where many kids still don't have a home computer or internet service at their house, but that doesn't mean they don't need to learn everything they can through technology to better their lives.

I remember the first time a computer was in my home as a teenager.  If it hadn't been for the computer classes I'd taken at school, I wouldn't have known the first thing to do with it.  I wouldn't have known what on earth an email was or a search engine or web address.  

Now, the majority of my work is done through a computer.  My lesson plans are typed in to a website.  My textbooks used in the classroom are displayed on the SmartBoard by an online platform.  I play videos through various websites.  I research and plan using the web.  There's hardly a thing I do that doesn't have some technology component attached... so why not bring the students in on learning how to use the technology I use so often?

So, that's my plan.  To bring my classroom technology project to life through a blog so that others can see what we're doing, so I don't have to figure out the best way to explain it.  

But, right now, I need to get ready for work.  It's a training day for me, so I have to get to getting.

OK, OK... I'll Try and Turn My Students in to Bloggers

It was another great day in the neighborhood, yesterday, as I continued my marathon of running on sunshine beams.  Apparently, the miraculous transformation I saw in my kids on Tuesday wasn't just a one day fluke.  Yesterday, they were just as good and energetic and focused... and I was able to hear first hand that I wasn't just imagining it all.  Several other faculty members gave me compliments about how wonderful they were acting.

They earned a highly coveted Tiger Paw from their specials teacher.  They earned several compliments about how quiet and well behaved they were in the hallway.  And everyone that came in to my room yesterday made some kind of comment about how hard they seemed to be working.

I'm not going crazy!!  They really are acting different.  AND I LOVE IT!

One of my kiddos told me yesterday that all of my students must have evil twins that were coming to school for them up until this point, and they won't let them ever come back again.  Cute, right?  I told them I didn't care who had shown up before these past couple of days, but whoever these kids are that are coming now, I LOVE them very much and hope they stay with me for the rest of the school year.

Math was another fantastic adventure filled with deep questions and self-solving strategies.  Grammar and spelling was filled with some fun and quirkiness as we discussed definitions and past and future tenses.  I threw in some funny examples and explanations, and that seemed to help liven up the discussion.  During reading, the students were really focused on completing a "during reading" strategy, and it helped generate questions about what they were reading.  And writer's workshop was another awe inspiring session of me being blown away at the level of imagination and creativity I'm seeing from my students.

The kids actually got to go out for recess for the first time in a week, and I waived some recess sentences or gave time off for good behavior.  Figured it was the least I could do on my part to show them that good behavior and hard work pays off.  

After school, I attended a faculty meeting/ mini professional development about blogging.

Yep.  Blogging.  

Did I need a professional development on blogging?  I sure hope not.  I mean.  Urm.  Is this thing on?  It's kinda what I do.  

Even though it may seem that all I do is get on here and ramble about my life in general, now, doesn't mean I don't have some blogging credentials.  I have been featured in Shape Magazine's most influential blogging list.  I have guest posted on several blogs.  I won a blog award on a blogging website (that for the life of me I can't remember the name of at this particular moment in time), that earned me a feature post spot and drove a lot of new visitors in my direction.  And, I have received almost 200,000 page views on my blog, and 200 followers from many countries I've never even heard of and people I've never met in my life.  OK, so all that mostly came from when I was a devout weight loss blogger, but it was enough to earn me some serious knowledge on blogging and the blogging world.

But, even I will admit that I did get some great stuff from it.  Like the fact that I now want to try again at the whole class blogging thing.  And seriously, can I really sit and brag about all my "blog cred" and not want to motivate my students into becoming bloggers themselves?

Last year, I set up blogs for each one of my students.  But, there was so much on our plates, we just didn't have the time to put in to really make it work.  I had the same concerns during that meeting.  Kid blogging is a great idea, but exactly when do we fit it in our already jam packed schedule?

I have two computers in my classroom, and it's hard enough to get all of my students on those computers to take a 5 minute AR test during the week, let alone give them time to get on and compose a blog post.  Especially when I have a class of extreme "hunt and peckers".  Trying to get them to type a sentence could take up to five minutes.

Which is exactly what I said when asked by my principal as to why I wasn't the first in line, behind the blogging guru we have at our school, getting my kiddos blogging.

But, as the presenter shared and was then reinforced by my principal when I had a quick chat about it, blogging doesn't have to be writing an extensive post about a given topic or free writing.  It can be a tool to get a student to share ideas, answer questions, and generate discussion about whatever it is I want.

Our school's "blogging guru" (as I refer to him) has made it work for his students.  He has an extremely successful class blog, and does all kinds of interactive work with those blogs.  He has students present work in the blog, answer discussion questions, give opinions on certain subjects, and even completing assignments that would normally be done with pencil and paper.  

And sure, he teaches junior high and taught 6th grade last year making it somewhat easier to use because his kiddos are a little more "adept" with using a computer... but that doesn't mean it's impossible for 4th graders to do something similar.

As my principal pointed out, I've jumped in to creating my own reading units for my students.  I've moved away from the normal reading cycle of reading a selection, studying that selection, having lessons that pertain to a specific skill that pertains to said selection, and then taking a multiple choice test at the end of the week to determine understanding of the selection.  

While there's absolutely nothing wrong with that format, I wanted to do something different.  No.  I needed to do something different.  Instead, my students are selecting their own books on their reading level, having discussions about their books with their peers, creating graphic organizers and applying various reading strategies to the reading of their books, and ending the week out by creating some form of "presentation" on their understanding of various reading skills and opinion of their book.

Why on earth couldn't they spend 20-30 minutes each week writing a short blurb or answering a quick question about their book in blog format?

My principal suggested setting up the class blogs and having the students use the blogs for very direct instruction.  Meaning, instead of asking and expecting them to get on their blogs and compose posts about random topics... I could start out with just having them answering a simple question about the week's reading experience.  Or maybe having them compare the book they are reading this week to the book they read last week.  Or having them share one thing they learned while reading the book.  Or their favorite part of the book.  You see where I'm going with this, right?

I think one of my biggest problems I had last year, and the ultimate reason my class blogging experiment failed, was the fact that I expected WAY too much from them.  I wanted them to get on their blogs and compose a piece of writing.  Or use their writer's workshop notes to publish a piece they had written.  

The big flaw with that idea is the fact that I had AMAZING writers, but TERRIBLE typers. They could write pages for a story, but it took FORVER for them to type a paragraph let alone their whole story or piece of writing.  And that was very overwhelming and stressful for them.  They felt so much pressure from how long it was taking them to type, that what started out as a very exciting opportunity ended with them having anxiety about their computer time because they were so worried they wouldn't be able to complete what I was asking them to do.

Type up a 200 word document, then revise and reread said document in 20 minutes when you can only type 2 words per minute.  

Impossible.

So, instead, my principal wants my focus to shift from my using blogging as a composing tool and use it for a comprehension tool.  Just getting them familiar with the idea of blogging, rather than trying to throw them in to the deep end and hoping they can swim.

Maybe start out with asking them to write a very short summary of their book.

"My book, Goldilocks and the Three Bears was about a girl named Goldilocks that went in to a house where bears lived.  She ate their porridge, broke a chair, and fell asleep in the baby bear's bed.  In the end, the bears found her and she ran away."

Simple.

Then, maybe the next week I ask them to share their favorite part of their book.

"My favorite part of the book Goldilocks and the Three Bears was when the bears found Goldilocks sleeping in the baby bear's bed and it made her run away."

How about some author's purpose?

"The author's purpose of Goldilocks and the Three Bears was to entertain with a funny story, but to teach people that you shouldn't go in to houses without being invited."

Maybe after a couple of weeks, I ask them to go in and select a classmate's blog to read and then comment on what they read or ask a question about the post.  To help them interact with blogging and using it for more than just a place to write stuff.

It would take no time to have them write short little blurbs like this, and each week they would be developing their comfort zone with their blog and the typing process.  If started at the beginning of the school year, I'm sure I could have my students publishing more in-depth, thought provoking responses, opinions, and their own discussion questions about whatever books they were reading, and interacting with each other and offering suggestions and thought about each other's writing.

I think I can make it work.  I'm going to try, anyway.  I think if I start out slow, and ease them in to it, it could be a very fun, exciting, and educational experience for all of them.

Today, it's my goal to set up the class blogs and have a look around the site I'll be using.  I've decided to give KidBlog a go, and see how I like it.  

Then, maybe tomorrow, my kids can have their first go at writing something.

We'll see.

OK, I really need to go... I rambled on WAY more than I thought I would.  

Have an awesome Thursday, everyone!!

Day Six: So Thankful For My Blog

                   

Last night, I came home from work, and was greeted by Hubby who had some news for me.  There is a leak somewhere under our house, again, and we don't have water.  

Awesome..

This is the second leak of its kind in the past few weeks.  Which means that this leak is either a brand new leak, or the new pipe that was installed from the last leak somehow broke or came free.

Either way, it sucks.  Big time.  Water is kinda a necessity.  It takes care of showering people after having a long day at work and school.  It takes care of washing dishes.  It takes care of cooking and brushing teeth and, very importantly:  My coffee!

It's amazing how much you miss something when you don't have it.  You start to feel dirty, even though it's been less than 24 hours since you last showered.  You start to crave things that require water in the preparation.  And you start to panic that there won't be any coffee.

Thankfully, Hubby took care of buying a few gallons of water to help us with the minor stuff...but it doesn't really help the shower situation.  The thought of not taking a shower before work gives me the heeby geebies, and we may just have to suck up wasting some water while I take a shower, because I just don't think I can get through the day knowing that I'm showerless.

But, thankfully, which is what these posts are supposed to be about....thankfulness...I can come right here and let out all of my frustration about the situation.  Because one thing I am very thankful to have in my life is my blog.

This little chunk of the internet that's carved out especially for me.

This is actually one of three blogs that I write.  I have this blog that I write daily.  I have a weight loss blog that started out here, then moved somewhere else once I gave up trying to lose weight and then decided to start trying again.  I don't post there very often, but at least once a week I get on there to check in with my weight and such.  And I also have a private blog that contains all the stuff I want to write about but wouldn't dare share with the rest of the world.  Not exactly deep, dark secrets, but stuff that plays on my mind that I just don't think is appropriate to tell everybody.

I don't write there very often, because for the most part I'm an open book and just someone that's OK sharing my life.  The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.

I started this blog in March of 2009, but it wasn't until May of 2010 that it became a part of my daily life.  For a little over a year, I dabbled with blogging.  I posted here and there.  Mostly about weight loss, at the time, but over the course of the year I discovered that this blog can be so much more than a place I just record information.

Writing has always been a passion of mine.  It has been a long lived dream that I would one day write a book.  About what, I don't know, but I've always said that I'd like to write a book.  If you think about it, it's kinda what I've been doing for the past three years.  Writing my own biography.  

I've often wondered how on earth I manage to come here almost every single day for three years straight and still find stuff to write about.  But, I do.  It's not always interesting.  It's not always funny or uplifting.  Sometimes, it can be downright boring.  Yet, I have to do it.  It's a part of my daily routine.  Without writing my blog each day, I feel lost.  It's how I prepare for my day, leaving all my past troubles on the table to start off new.

I've gone through different levels of reasons why I blog.  I went through a phase where my blog was just a record of my weight loss.  I went through a phase where I wanted my blog to be an outlet of support for other people trying to lose weight.  I went through wanting people to read my blog, for my blog to be "out there" in the blogging community.  Stuff like how many followers I had, where my blog listed on blogging lists, how many blog rolls my blog appeared on were things that were important to me.  I wrote for other people as well as myself.

But, I soon realized that I didn't really give a flying flip what other people thought.  If people were interested in my life and wanted to read what I had to say, great!  If not, then I was writing for the sake of writing.  Because I loved writing.  Because I was creating a life record, preserving memories, and releasing pent up stress that could only be released through my fingers.

I am truly and utterly convinced that my life would be a lot different, and would have been a lot more stressful if it wasn't for my blog.  It's my therapy, and a lot cheaper than telling all this stuff to a complete stranger for $150 an hour.  My way of dealing with stress is often with humor.  I like to find the funny in tough situations, even if I have to dig really deep.  Somehow, writing offers me that option.  I'm probably a lot less funny than I think I am, but I can often read back over some of my toughest blog posts and laugh a little...at least crack a smile.  I realize that even when I thought I was in a dark place, I was able to make a few jokes out of it, put a funny twist on it.  And, if I'm able to do that, I realize that it can't be really all that bad.

So, today, when life has thrown yet another curve ball, another tough situation that has to be tackled, it helps me appreciate and be thankful for my blog.

How long I will keep it up, I don't know.  But after three years of faithful blogging, I have no desire to slow down.  I have no inclining to stop writing.  As long as I can get up and go about my day, there will be something to write about.  Some days are more interesting than others, but everything I write about has some purpose...to me.

Thank you Blog!  For being a friend.  A counselor.  An outlet for my sometimes crazy, whacky thoughts.  A place I feel free of judgement.  Where I can pretty much say whatever I want.

And will continue saying whatever I want.  

Just not anymore today.

My Life is an Open Book...Urm.. Blog

There are two types of bloggers in the world.  Open bloggers - those who don't hide who they are - and Anonymous bloggers - duh, those that hide who they really are.

I read fantastic blogs from both varieties.  Anonymous bloggers usually reveal less information about their private lives - or use cover names and locations.  They don't connect their blogs to their social networks, etc.   Open bloggers basically write an open book on their lives...sometimes still using cover names, but obvious enough to people that actually know who they are.

I am of the open blogger variety.

I like being an open blogger because people I know will walk up to me or call me and provide me insight to my blog posts, offer advice if I asked for it, or pick up on hints that I don't have the guts to say to someone in person.

I don't like being an open blogger because people I know will walk up to me or call me and provide me insight to my blog posts, offer advice if I don't ask for it, or pick up on hints that I don't have the guts to say to someone in person.

There are pros and cons to being an open blogger, as you can see.

One of my cons is that it drives Hubby nuts.  He is a firm believer in keeping our lives between us - and occasionally family members.  But, he can't stand it when I publicly post all of our news for the entire world to read about.

But, being the ego-feeder that I am, one of the greatest highlights of my day is when someone I work with walks up to me and tells me how much they enjoy reading my blog (Hi, Jan!!).  Or, I can write a heartfelt blog post about a family member - and tell them things I find it hard to say to them in person (Hi, Mom and Dad!)

As hard as this may be to believe for people that actually know me, I often find it very difficult to put in to words how I'm really feeling.  Especially if it's a topic on something close to my heart, or that is causing me anxiety, or I'm just too chicken to say something to someone that I really want to get off my chest.

My blog gives me the voice to do all of those things.

This whole house hunting thing is one of many situations that cover all three of the topics above.  It's something close to my heart - one of my life dreams, actually.  I had a small list of accomplishments I wanted to fulfill in my life.  Have a family.  Go to school.  Become a teacher.  Buy the house of my dreams.  Not necessarily in that order, but that's the order that it happened.  All except the last one...that's the one I'm going through now.

Once Hubby and I are able to find the house of our dreams, I would have officially accomplished all of my adult goals.  My life will be complete.  Of course, then I can start adding new goals - like watching my kids graduate high school and college, have families of their own, sit on the back porch and watch my grandkids play.

It's something that's causing me anxiety.  Are we financially ready?  Will we be able to find everything we want?  When we find the perfect house will the offer get accepted?  And the biggie - what will happen to the house we're currently living in?

And, my blog gives me an outlet to say stuff to people about it that I don't have the guts to say to their face.  Like to Hubby.  I want to scream from the rooftops how excited I am and how big of a deal it is for me to check off this last goal from my list and how I want to share something like this with the world because it's a big deal to me and I want to be excited about it.  To my father-in-law, who will ultimately be the most affected if we do get the house we want.  The last thing I want to do is put him in a financial bind moving out of his house.  I don't want to affect the relationship between father and son.  Or parents and son.  But, at the end of the day, I have to think about what's best for MY family - meaning Hubby and the kids.  And this house, in it's current state, is NOT a healthy environment for any of us to be in.

Blogging really is a win-win and lose-lose situation.

But, the sad thing is, I don't think I would have accomplished so much in my life without my writing.  It's my outlet.  It's ultimately what keeps me sane.

I am so blessed to have amazing people in my life.  To a very supportive Hubby.  To loving and uplifting parents.  To amazing friends and co-workers.  And awesome children...both biological and not.

Hubby listens when I really need someone to talk to...except when it's something he doesn't want to talk about.  That's where my blog comes in.

My family - especially my mom - is always a phone call away if I need someone to talk to...except when they are too busy with their own lives and foster children and such.  That's where my blog comes in.

My amazing friends and co-workers are always willing to lend an ear in a time of need or moment of excitement...except when it's something I don't really feel comfortable talking to them about.  That's where my blog comes in.

You see, my blog is the only "person" I can comfortably talk to without fear of a response or retaliation or hurt.  I can lay my whole life of feelings out on the table and walk away with a clear mind ready to tackle the battles of the day.  I can vent.  I can celebrate.  I can hurt.  I can love.  I can express it all - easily.  Something I just can't always do with words from my mouth.

I know that I often share too much.  I know that there are things that should be kept private.  I know that being an open blogger means I need to pay more attention to what I'm saying or how I'm saying it or what topics I chose to write about.  But, sometimes not worrying about those things brings clarity to messy situations.

At the end of the day, my blog is always there for me.  It will never judge me or hate me or get mad at me because what I have said.  OK, the people sitting on the other side of the screen may have those feelings - and believe me, I get to hear about that - but when I'm writing, I don't care about any of that.

And that's never going to change.

I am a blogger.  It's who I am.

And I love it.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Beautiful, The Wonderful, and Everything Else of 2012

 
Towards the end of December, I wrote a reflection post of 2012.  I went through each month and came up with what was going on in my life during each month.  Looking back at that post, now, I realized I covered two things:  Weight gain and looking for a teaching job.  That's it.  My whole year revolved around gaining weight instead of losing it and desperately trying to find a job, finding one, and celebrating it.

This morning, I started off my new blogging resolutions on the right foot and visited some other blogs to read and comment on.  What I found were many bloggers reliving great achievements from last year, bashing the ideas of resolutions, or bashing people that came up with resolutions and then failed at them.

First off, I was a little hurt by some people's take on resolutions and people that make resolutions.  Don't get me wrong, I know that I am definitely no poster child for weight loss success or keeping with my goals and succeeding in doing everything I set my mind on.  At the end of 2011, there was only one thing on my mind:  Get That Teaching Job!  My whole life was consumed by it, I know that.  So all those other resolutions and goals and hopes I had for myself fell to the wayside - because my mind was only focused on one thing.  And you know what, resolution haters?  I achieved it.  I did exactly what I intended to do.  I got that job.  I found the happiness I had been seeking for.  I succeeded. 

OK, so I gained weight rather than lost it.  I spent a lot of time blogging about all of the weight loss goals I had for myself, I made a plan of action, I avoided even mentioning the fact that finding a teaching job was all I cared about (HA!) - and that maybe trying to focus my efforts on losing weight would give me the strength I needed to overcome the letdown and feelings of failure I had for myself.  But, I knew the truth.  I knew that no matter how much I kept telling myself I needed to lose the weight or how I should do it - it wasn't going to be a priority to me until I could let go of the demon that was plaguing me.  Finding that darn job.

So, then why didn't I focus on weight loss once I got the job in May?  Good question.  Valid.  But, to bring on the droves of excuses:  Being a new teacher is freakin' hard and time consuming work!  Once I had my job, I found a new thing to consume my every waking thought:  Getting ready for the year ahead.  Once school started, I spent many nights writing plans, grading papers, writing more plans, grading more papers.  For all those people that think that teaching is a 7-3 job.. HA!  Spend a few days in my shoes.  You'll see.  Not that I am complaining - because I LOVE throwing myself in to my work.  And then, the time I wasn't working, I was spending with my family.  Because that was something else that was very important to me... more important than going to work out or counting calories or making food plans.

But, you know what?  I can sit here all day and write about why I didn't lose weight last year, and why things may be different this year.  I could write all day defending myself from the haters out there who expect me to fail - because it's been the pattern since they first started reading my blog.

What I do know is that so much more happened last year than my not losing weight and my getting the job.

1.  I got to celebrate Butter completing his first year of public school in three years.
2.  I got to celebrate Peanut winning the science fair and $50 even though she hates science.
3.  I got to spend an entire summer with my kids not having to worry about homework, or stressing about job interviews.
4.  For the first time in my life, I pushed mowed a huge yard and really enjoyed it.
5.  I had to say goodbye to the dog I had owned since she was 6 weeks old.
6.  I welcomed a new addition to our family - three of them, actually.  All cats.  All great additions.  Loved by everyone in the house...including Hubby.. which is huge.
7.  I was given the indication that for the first time in 10 years, my credit score was high enough to not get one - but two credit cards.
8.  I learned the value of my credit, and have never used those cards without paying off the balance each month.
9.  I bought a BRAND NEW CAR.
10.  I got to celebrate Jelly being only 4 years old and having the dedication to learn how to tie her own shoes.
11.  I learned the value of loyalty, and realized who real friends are.
12.  I became part of an extended work family - something I'd been craving for years - but never knew until I stepped foot in to my new school building.
13.  I was able to turn down the offer of public assistance...something I worked hard for and am very proud of.
14.  I learned that Facebook is nothing more than a cesspool of hate and that no matter what's going on in our country - there will always be people on Facebook finding something to fight over.
15.  I got to hear the words I've waited 5 long years to hear - and no, it wasn't "you're hired", it was "your son no longer needs his medication, he seems to have grown out of his disorder and is on the road to full recovery".
16.  I got to celebrate the birthdays of my three children knowing they are healthy, happy, and loved.

And finally...

I got to learn that I am who I am.  I love the person I am.  I fight for what I believe in.  I work hard to accomplish goals.  I may not succeed in everything - but I never give up.  I am not here to please complete strangers.  I really don't care that I disappoint people if I gain weight or don't work out like I said I would because nobody but the people who need to, know what I'm going through outside the world of Blogland.

You see, this was the reason I changed my blog in the first place.  Because, no matter how much I try, I can't become one of those people who obsess over losing weight.  I just can't.  I can't write day after day about work-outs, eating right, counting calories, keeping a food log, joining a new fitness program, etc. etc. etc. I tried.  For two years, I tried.  But, this past year - just writing about my life - is what I'm about.  So, judge me if you want.  Blame my failures on my lack of commitment or not wanting it bad enough or whatever you want to judge me by.

As my photo shows... Maybe it's not about trying to fix something that's broken, but it's about starting over and creating something new.

I won't plan out my year.  What comes, comes.  I will start this year over creating something new... myself.

And you know what?  I'm totally, 150% OK with that.

Blogging Resolutions

Today is Friday.  The last day of the week, and the day I'm celebrating about having two days off.  But, after being off work for two weeks, and only being back at work one day, it doesn't seem as exciting today.  Not that I don't want the two days off... I totally do.

This is also the day that I usually do my Friday's Letters.

I love writing my Friday's Letters.  They are quick, fun, and usually mindless.  I can just let out some steam on the page, and get on with my day.

But, I also feel like my blog has become a hub for recurring blog post themes rather than actual blog posts written from the heart each day.  I have Truthful Tuesday, Ten Things Thursday, Friday's Letters.  I spend Monday recapping the weekend - which is just a repeat of what I wrote about on Saturday and Sunday.  That doesn't really leave much room for unique posts.

While I don't think there's anything wrong with doing weekly post themes, I need to cut back.  I don't want to fall in to a sink hole of doing the same ol' same ol' over and over each week.

So, here's what I'm thinking.  I need some blog resolutions.  First week of January is a great week to think about the future of my blog - and how I want to run it.

I like consistency.  I like plans and organization.  But, I also have to keep a balance of writing this blog for me, and not because it's just a part of my routine.  What happens when I make my blog routine?  Weekly repetitive posts that require little thought.  Not really what a blog is for.  So, I think some resolutions for my blog is the way to go...

1.  The first day of each month, I will try and recap the progress of my resolutions.  MY resolutions, not the blog resolutions.  I will update my weight loss progress, my money saving progress, my time management progress, my family time progress, etc.  I think it's a great way to stay in check with my resolutions all year...and not forgetting about them a month in.

2.  I'm keeping Truthful Tuesday.  Why every day of my blog writing is truthful and honest, I like having a day each week where I throw stuff out there that don't take up an entire blog post.  But, rather than writing my Truthful Tuesday posts about cheating on my healthy eating plan, or not doing something I said I would, or being an entire post of complaining about what I want to do but haven't done yet - I'm going to try and keep it a little more upbeat.  Does that mean I won't be complaining?  Probably not - but just not about myself.  All of the time.

3.  I'm will do themed posts the last week of each month.  I don't want to get rid of my Letters post and Ten Things Thursday... I just don't want to do them every week.  So, I figure if I designate a week each month to do them, I can focus on writing about other stuff throughout the month.

4.  I will read and comment on at least two blogs a day.  I miss the interactions I had with fellow bloggers.  I would comment on a blog, they'd comment on mine.  That's how it works.  I know that I started avoiding reading blogs because they were focused on weight loss - and I.. well... wasn't.  But I considered those bloggers as my friends - we built relationships - and I bailed on them.  I can't expect people to come back to my blog and support me if I bailed on them.  So, I'll be rekindling some relationships - and looking for new ones.

5. I will stop worrying what others might think about what I have to say.  Kind of.  Being a public blogger is difficult - especially in my line of work.  I'm a very opinionated person, and I usually have opinions and feelings about everything.  I don't like to share a lot of them, however, because I'm always worried about offending someone or what people might think about me.  While I have to censor and monitor some of my feelings, I should NEVER have to worry about what others might think about me.  From now on, if I have something on my mind that I want to write about - and I know it won't get me in to trouble - I'm going to write about it.  If it offends people or upsets them or makes them not like me - so be it.  I can't write a blog about me if I can't be me.  Right?   So while I'll still probably stay away from the top stuff like religion and politics, I won't be backing off from saying something just because a few people that may stumble across my blog might not like it.  It's my blog - and I often forget that.

OK, I think that about does it.  I know, I know, this all sounds very planned and organized - but there's no way I can totally throw out my plans and organization.  It's just who I am.

I haven't had great progress with resolutions in the past, I know that, but I feel like this year may be the year.  If I make myself more accountable, keep track of my plans and progress consistently, and use my resolutions as my guide through the year, I may have some major progress.  I can hope, anyway.

Alright, time to get ready for work.

Let's Get Back To Why I'm Here...Shall We?

Good morning, everyone!! 

It is a horrible, nasty 81 degrees in my house already this morning - and it's only 9am.  My AC isn't broken - it's just that freakin' hot outside already, that my poor, old AC is having such a hard time keeping up.  It has been weeks since the temps have been below 100 degrees - even with the small amount of rain we got the other day.  At night, it's barely getting down below 90 outside.  Our electric bill may be the financial ruin to our household.

I just want to say a quick THANK YOU to everyone that commented, emailed, or messaged me yesterday about my post.  Even those of you that strongly disagreed with me did so in a grown up, professional way.  There was no name calling, judgment, or disrespect - and that meant so much to me.  I seemed to have only lost 1 follower because of my statements - but I'm OK with that.  I'd much rather someone quietly take me off their feed list than to cause drama and say nasty things.

One thing this week has reminded me is that this blog is my outlet.  It's my way to express myself, say what I need to say - and it's not always going to be about weight loss.  And I prefer it that way.  Sometimes just being able to talk about topics that are really important to me help keep my mind focused, which help me release emotions that would usually send me running to the nearest junk food.

But I haven't really spoken about any form of weight loss topic at all this week.  And that's probably because it hasn't been on my mind AT ALL.  Which I know isn't a good thing.  And you know I will spew off some excuses right now - but.. I'm venting...remember that. M'kay?

It's too hot.  Yeah, I said it.  It's too freakin' hot for me to take one second of my day to think about doing anything involved with weight loss....especially excercising.  I'm too hot to eat, but I have forced myself to do it... but not as often as I should.  I have found that I have an appetite in the evening, when it's just a little cooler - and eating late at night is a no-no... I know that, too.  I don't want to eat anything that has been cooked for too long - because using the stove makes my house even hotter, and then I get even more ticked off and lose my appetite even more.  So, Hubby has been preparing not the best foods in the world because they are quick to prepare.  Yes, processed food has been in my diet this week.

I know that's a ridiculous excuse, because I could have been eating fresh foods all week - and most fresh foods don't need to be cooked to eat.  But, I have been very short on cash this past week.  Ridiculous excuse #2. 

I'm using the oldest excuses in the book - too hot and not enough money - but to be completely and utterly honest, I'm OK with it right now.  This isn't another start-up to my constant rollarcoaster of giving up and restarting - and my scale isn't being too horrible to me.  I know this may stir up some controversy - but I've realized that not thinking about losing weight 24/7 is OK.  At the end of the day, my losing weight is my choice - and I either make it a priority or I don't.  But, sometimes there really are more important things to worry about and take care of.  If I fail I only have myself to blame - but that's not going to happen.  Regardless of how my words sound to you right now.

Thankfully, today we are able to go and do some much needed grocery shopping.  Hubby and I have already decided that the meal plan for this week will be nothing but salads and sandwiches.  We're just not going to do much cooking at all until this heatwave subsides.  We are going to spend all of the money we have budgeted for food on fruits, veggies, deli meats, and whole grain bread. That's a big bonus for me - because I will be able to focus on eating fresh foods again.  It's amazing how different my body feels after eating the way I have all week.  I can't wait to have some of my energy back - and not feel so "ugh". 

What I have thought about a lot this week is how much I want to go out walking.  So many times I've just wanted to charge out of my house, with my iPhone in my ear, and let my feet bang out some of the frustration and anger I've had boiled up inside.  But, I can't.  When it's 108 degrees outside, I can barely breath out there - let alone try and walk for miles.  I seriously can not wait until this nasty weather is gone and I can start walking and jogging again.  See, see!  That's positive thinking, right? 

I have only five days until I go back to work.  My summer is officially over in 5 short days.  This is usually the time of the year where I whine about how fast the summer has flown by, and how I'm dreading going back to work.  BUT NOT THIS YEAR.  I can't flippin' wait!  My classroom is just about done, and all I have to do now is get my first week of plans ready - and finish up putting some posters on the wall. 

I never got around to sharing about the meeting I had with my principal on Wednesday.  It was GREAT!  It was so nice to get some time alone with her to explain some of my ideas, have her share some of her expectations, and get a better sense of what my year is going to be like.  One thing that I learned, that I'm really happy about, is that it seems we have a lot in common when it comes to the expectations and desires that we have for the kiddos in the school.  That's always a nice feeling to have. 
I know I'm all over the place this morning - but I'm trying to catch up on what I can.  Plus, I'm pretty sure the heat is melting my brain... I know that's not sweat dripping from my ears - it's my brain.

So, I'll call it a day today.  Got some errands to run and laundry to do.  And take about 8 cold showers.
Till next time. ;)

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Are You There, God? It's Me Joanna - Part 2!

 
Dear Diary...

Wow, what a difference a whole day and a good night's sleep can do.  Yesterday, I was in the bottom of a pit screaming for some help to get me out.  And then, I got to see the video I posted  that had been originally posted on another blog I read - and things started to feel a little different. 

Writing posts like I wrote yesterday are very hard on me.  I often struggle with how much I want to share with the world.  Do I want people to know about the bad times with the good?  Will people think differently of me or think I'm weak?  Will I portray an image that I'm someone who wants attention and sympathy?  Sometimes I get answers to those questions.  Sometimes the answers are not what I hoped.

I've shared my struggles before.  This was not the first time.  I've, then, received comments or emails from people telling me to suck it up, quit whining, only focus on weight loss -because that's what this blog is supposed to be about.  I read all of the comments and emails from people.  Sometimes they sting a little, sometimes they're just downright mean, but more often they are friendly, supportive, and caring.

As hard as it may be for some people to believe, I don't write posts like I did yesterday for sympathy or attention.  Sure, reading words of encouragement always helps.  It's nice to know that there are people out there that care.  But that's not my intention when I write.  I've said this before, but I share the bad with the good because people have to know the real me.  Knowing that I struggle, knowing that I sometimes feel sorry for myself, knowing that I can be a whiny baby full of negativity - they are all things people can relate to.  Not everyone is perfect.  No one feels happy ALL of the time.  No one succeeds ALL of the time.   Honesty is one of my most important policies - if I can't be honest, then it's not even worth my time writing any of this.  How believable would I be if my blog only covered the good times and the successes?

Plus, when I write about my struggles it makes it much more rewarding when I can come and share how I overcome the struggles.

Take yesterday, for example.  When I woke up, I was low.  Lower than I've been in a long time.  Just visiting a blog and watching a short video reawakened me.  It shook me a little and sent the message that I've got to get a grip and start sucking it up.  That was a start - but not the end.  I received another "sign" if you will shortly after leaving the house.

As I was heading out for a day of fun in the sun, I drove by a gas station in which a lady was holding a sign reading "FREE GAS".  I drove by, not really thinking much of it.  Surely, it was some form of gimmick that required me to sign up for something.  There were no cars waiting in line, so if it truly was free gas being given out there would be more people there.  Then, some voice inside me yelled "TURN AROUND, GO BACK!"  I didn't really want to, but I did what my inner voice told me to do.  I turned around and went back.

The gas pumps were empty, and there was a man standing there holding a gas nozzle.  He asked me if I'd like some free gas.  Well, of course I did.  I drove up and he started pumping.  Then, a lady appeared at my window out of nowhere.  That's when my other inner voice started with the "I knew it" spill - she was going to ask me to sign up for something or buy something.  She didn't.  She told me that she was a minister and if she could say a prayer for someone in my family.  Immediately, I asked her to pray for me with help finding a job.  So, we did it right there.  Me sitting in my car, her standing outside my door.  We prayed.  She asked for guidance. She asked for support.  And then she asked for the dark cloud over me to be lifted.  WHAT?  I didn't say anything about that!  She asked that I be allowed the opportunity to get a teaching job so that I can help children, because that's what I truly want to do.  As the words flowed from her mouth, the lump started appearing in my throat.  The tears started to well in my eyes.  As we both said the words AMEN, I really did feel like the cloud had started to lift even more. 

I thanked her for the help.  She gave me an encouraging nod and told me to keep fighting.  I was stunned, in complete and utter shock.  All I had asked for was a prayer to help with my job hunting, yet she asked for help for the things I didn't say.  There's no way I can ignore a sign like that.  I am now recharged with determination.  OK, so a job offer may not come this week, this month, or even this year - but I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm fighting for what I should be fighting for.  There are plans at work for me - and I just have to let those plans work out.

And for some more great news - and getting back to what this blog is supposed to be about - I stood on the scale again this morning.  I now weigh 243.8lbs.  That means in two weeks of eating clean - I've lost 8.2lbs.  IN 2 WEEKS!!  How can I not be happy with that? 

So, this weekend, I've managed to put out some stress flames.  I'm feeling much better about the week ahead.  Yeah, I had a mini-meltdown, but I'm back in the game...ready to keep fighting. 

Till next time. ;)

Are You There God? It's Me, Joanna

Dear Diary...

This week has been tough.  Tough on my mind.  Tough on my emotions. 

When I sit down at my computer to write in this blog, it's a process.  I have to be cautious with what I say.  I have to remember that my words are visible for anyone to see.  I can't always put my life out there - I'm in a position, or trying to be in a position, where the information I share with the world is monitored.  If I chose to share my life on a public blog, it can only be the parts of my life on surface level.

Being that writing is my coping mechanism for stress, I started a private journal.  A journal where I can yell and scream and let out all of my frustrations - away from the public eye.  It's necessary.  You see, there are only two places in which I keep my emotions.  Locked up in a tiny safe in the pit of my stomach, and in the pages of my private journal. 

After everything I've been though this week, my private journal has seen me a lot.  Yesterday, however, the tiny safe in my stomach got a little too full before I had a chance to empty it out on paper.  I cried.  Something I don't do very often - hardly ever, actually.  I was able to break free from being around people before the sobs let loose.  I hate crying in front of people.  I don't like my emotions to get the best of me.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough... but I made it just in time for the uncontrollable, heaving sobs to emerge.

When I sat down to write in my private journal this morning, I let the words fly freely.  I didn't censor what I had to say.  I let it all out... how I felt, what was going on in my mind.  I don't think about what I'm writing.. I just let my fingers do the talking.  And then I saw that I wrote this...

"I am in such a dark place, that if some light doesn't start to shine at the end of this scary, dark tunnel, I'm not sure how much more I can take"

Just taking this tidbit out of the whole page is a little dangerous.  The context can be confused in many different ways.  Just let me assure you that the context simply means in regards to my emotions and the stress.  It's related to the frustrations and upset with the job hunting.  That is all.  But the words still hold a lot of force.  When I reread these words, I think of defeat.  I think that I'm on the verge of giving up.  I'm basically screaming for a sign that the fight I'm fighting is worth is. 

After I finished writing, and dried up the tears, I went about my normal routine. The first step is visiting one of my favorite blogs:  Day #1 Again.  Written by Jenn.  She is a fighter in so many aspects.  Her words always make me feel better.  Yet, this morning, there were no words for me to read.  There was just a video.  A video she wanted her readers to see.  This video...

As I watched this video, I felt the sting of fresh tears.  I felt the dampness as they rolled down my cheeks.  Just moments before I had begged my private journal to give me a sign.  I asked it to tell me that the heartache was for a purpose.  I needed something to tell me that my fight wasn't in vain - there, indeed, would be some light at the end of the dark tunnel I'm traveling down.  And here it was - sitting right on a blog page - as if waiting for me. 

I don't think about my weight journey when I watch this video - I thought about my current life struggles.  So many situations have arose that tell me I'm never going to succeed in what I want to do.  Too many times, just this week, I've curled up in a ball and let the tears flow from my eyes and the sadness release from my stomach.  And then, I was introduced to Arthur.  He makes my troubles seem stupid - but the power in his message I can relate to. 

In one of my darkest moments, I asked for a sign.  And then, I got this.  No matter how tough things get, I can now remember Arthur.  I can carry him with me.  No matter how many times I fall - I will get back up.  One day, I will be share my story of how I overcame the walls that were in front of me...and share how Arthur and Jenn gave me the sign that I needed to keep going.

Thank you Arthur, and Jenn!!

Till next time. ;)

And We've Only Just Begun...To Live

Dear Diary...

If you've just read the title and are immediately taken to the Carpenters song - You're Welcome.  That song will now be stuck in your head all day long, like it was for me all day yesterday.  That wasn't enough to do it?  Well, then, don't let me take the opportunity away from you.  Have you ever really read the lyrics to this song?  No?  Why you must!

We've only just begun to live
White lace and promises
A kiss for luck and we're on our way
We've only begun

Before the risin' sun, we fly
So many roads to choose
We'll start out walkin' and learn to run
And yes, we've just begun

Sharing horizons that are new to us
Watching the signs along the way
Talkin' it over, just the two of us
Workin' together day to day, together

And when the evening comes, we smile
So much of life ahead
We'll find a place where there's room to grow
And yes, we've just begun

I'm not a big fan of the Carpenters.  My mother is, though, which meant I spent a lot of my childhood listening to their songs, and I now know most by heart.  I never thought, though, that there was a song more suited for my weight loss journey.  That just happens to be starting, again, today.

While out and about yesterday for my relaxing, rejuvenating day in Eureka Springs, this song kept popping up in my head.  It happened every time I thought about the new plan I'm going to be starting, every time I started thinking about as much as I'll be writing, journaling, and walking.  

While I was out, I bought some new clothes.  One thing I bought just happened to be a white skirt that has white lace trim.  White lace and promises?  I bought the clothes as motivation for when I lose some of the weight.  The skirt fits now, but it will look a lot better when I'm a little smaller.  It has the promise, along with the two dresses I bought, to make me look fantastic.

Every day that I wake up before the risin' sun, I'll be flying in to my Morning Pages and writing about whatever is on my mind.  I'll have many roads to chose.  I could chose to eat clean, drink lots of water, and take my 20 minute walk OR I could not.  I could start out my day with good intentions, and then veer off after something happens.  I could get through many days of doing exactly what I'm supposed to, and then have a day that brings it all crashing down.  

I'll start out walking and learn to run.  I know that I may start out strong, but have a few set-backs.  I know that this will be a learning process, one to take slowly - before being able to run with it.  I also know that I'll start out with meditative walks every day, and will eventually get the urge to start jogging and eventually running again.

I'll be sharing all the new horizons that are new to me with you.  The feeling I get from writing about my feelings rather than eating them.  The energy I'm starting to feel run through my veins after a day of great eating and drinking lots of water.  Watching for the signs of being hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Talking it over with you, my Body Buddies. 

And as each evening comes, I can smile about the good choices I've made.  I'll take one day at a time, knowing I still have a long way to go - that's there's room to grow.  If I keep with it, start over whenever the need arises, not let myself fall.  For I've only just begun - but it's such an exciting beginning.

You see?  How freakin' perfect is that song?  As much as I always resented my mother for subjecting me to the droning of the Carpenters - I can now thank her.  There was something I was able to get out of all those years of torture.  I was able to bring myself to a theme song!  My theme song!

OK, so it's not upbeat and dramatic like most theme songs - but this song fits me.  It's absolutely perfect for the journey I'm about to embark on.  If you could have told me a few months ago that I'd discover a diet plan that calls for the power of writing versus eating, I would have told you that you were nutso.  But, here I am, about to do that very thing.

Even though today is day one, I wrote my first Morning Pages entry yesterday.  I've decided to create a journal just for that.  It is secret.  It is mine.  I can write about whatever the heck is on my mind.  I did it again, today, as soon as I got up.  And you know what?  It has made me feel so much more excited.  Each day, getting everything off my chest with some writing is so therapeutic.  I thought I was doing that here, but I realize that this blog is a lot more censored.  I can't always say what I want to say on here.  So, Morning Pages will happen first - and then I can think more clearly about what I have to say in my blog entries.

I have also found the writing journal I will use.  It's one I've been holding on to for a long time.  Just sitting there, collecting dust, screaming at me to write in it.  Well, now it will get its chance.  I'll be making my first entry in a few minutes when I eat my breakfast.  I will take it with me wherever I go.  I will write when I eat, what I eat, and how I feel when I eat.  I will write in it when I get the urge to eat, but it's not my regular time to eat.  I will write out the four questions that I need to ask myself before I let a snack attack get in my way.  I will write in it after my walks each afternoon, what I thought about and how it made me feel.  The journal will get lots of use, that's for sure.

In a couple of hours, I'll be seeing Sanity for some coffee.  I'm actually nervous to see her because it's been a few months since we've seen each other in person.  I've gained a lot of weight since then.  I know that she won't say anything - because she's awesome like that - but she's going to hear about it.  I'm recruiting her as one of my Body Buddies, too.  She's only a text message away whenever I need her - and I need to know that if I'm in a situation where I need to divert my attention away from food...and I've already wrote about it... I can send her a text and she'll respond with a good reason why I should forget the food.

So, I have all the tools I need to get going.  I know that I've said many times over the past few months about how I'm going to start over and actually do something about my forever creeping up weight - and then not - but this time, I truly feel different.  It's been a long time since I've felt this amount of excitement, motivation, and dedication.  The weight may not fly off me at a speedy rate, but it will come off.  I will start to see and feel the changes as long as I keep doing what I need to do.  I will be the woman I've always wanted to be... eventually.  I've only just begun, right?

Till next time. ;)

Someone Throw Me a Freakin' Bone Here...Preferably with Chicken on It!

Dear Diary...

I know, I know.... I've been gone for two days.  I'm sorry.  Yes, I know you were worried.  Yes, I totally expect you think I've fallen completely off the wagon and I'm sitting - right this very second - among a pile of empty pizza boxes, chicken wing bones, candy wrappers, and soda cans.  Well, don't worry...it's not like that.  Not exactly.

This week has not, however, gone how I would have liked...and it's only Wednesday.  Being gone from here for the past two days has been very weird.  Not a weird I like - at all.  But, I needed a couple of days to get my bearings... my head was spinning so fast, I just couldn't concentrate.

Monday morning, IT began.  By IT, I mean the job hunt.  And, ever since Monday morning, I've had this knot in my stomach that feels like I have some kind of worm making its way through my intestines looking for a way out - and being that I haven't lost any weight.... I know it's not really a worm, but nerves and stress.  Already.

Both Monday and yesterday morning I sat in front of this computer sending out emails to principles.  I've sent out 20, 25...feels like 100.. emails.  With each email I sent out, I attached a slither of my hope.  I was kinda hoping that as emails started coming back, my hope would get a little refill.  But, alas, nothing yet.  I've had many replies - but the senders all forgot to attach the hope I was looking for.  That happens, though, attachments often get forgotten... so now I'm hoping that one or two or six of them will realize that the hope attachment was missing - and resend it.  But, as of right now, all of the emails I've received have been nice - but have also informed me of the fact that there just aren't any jobs available at the moment.  UGH!

My plan was to not let the stress get to me, and pound it out in the gym.  'Member?  That's what I said Sunday, I believe.  I wasn't going to let the stress get me down - and I was going to use it to motivate my hard work at the gym.  That's what I said.  Wanna know how many times I've been to the gym this week?  Zero! 

Monday, I totally forgot that Jelly had a dentist appointment after work.  That can't be helped - she has to get her teeth fixed.  No biggie, I told myself - I still had 4 days to make up for it.

Then, yesterday morning, I'm ready.  I get my gym bag ready.  I'm pumped to get back in the gym.  Then, Butter gets suspended from school.  Yep.  I said suspended.  As in, I had to take him home - and he can't go back today, either.  So, after I spent about 2 hours at the counselor's office with him, then get him home, go get Peanut and Jelly from school - I'm done.  As in stick a fork in me - I'm so done - I'm going home and forget the gym.

Could I have still gone to the gym?  Yes.  I could have.  Butter being suspended wasn't a prevention from my going to the gym - it was just another heaping of stress to feed the worm in my stomach...and I bailed.  At the moment when I probably needed the gym the most - I totally ran...with some minor screaming on the way.  That, my friends, is what you call a lame-o excuse.  I totally understand that.  Weakness got the better of me - and I'm not happy about it.

Today, I'm really going to the gym.  I mean it.  Unless I get a call from a principle asking me to go for an interview - nothing is going to stop me.  In which I might run to the school - so that would get my exercise in.  Even Butter's counselor told me yesterday how some serious working out would help tame the stress beast.  But, I already knew that.  He reconfirmed that getting in the gym more often is exactly what I need right now - or going out for a run.  Whatever I can do to burn off some energy.  He explained how I could end up not sleeping well because of my stress - which I know will start to happen soon - if last year is any indication of how this year will go.  I don't want that to happen - my sleep is too important to me.

My eating this week has been OK - not great, but not as bad as it was last week.  I may have eaten a couple of fun size pieces of chocolate - and a blueberry muffin.  Foods I should be avoiding, but a far cry from the junk I usually drown myself in when the going gets tough.

If the past two days are any indication - the next few weeks are going to be tough.  Really tough.  No matter how much I told myself I wasn't going to bring myself down with job-hunting stress - I realize that the stress is inevitable.  It will eat at me between now and...well...probably August, if I haven't found a teaching job by then.  Pretending it's not there, ignoring it, or letting it reign over me just aren't an option.  I've seen and learned what can happen if I try those techniques - they don't work.  I have to channel the stress - use it to my advantage.  I didn't say it would be easy.  If it were easy, then I wouldn't weigh close to 250lbs now, would I?  But, this is a rodeo I've ridden in before.  I was bucked off in 1.1 seconds the last time... now I'm going for the full 7 seconds.  I can't let the bull win...not again.

These first four months of the year that I was going to take back control just haven't gone the way I'd hoped.  I've ended up gaining weight instead of losing it - and I wasn't even stressed those first four months.  Last year, I lost quite a bit of weight the first four months...then started to gain.  Maybe I can turn things around this year.  Maybe this will be the year of opposite reactions.  2011 - I lost weight, then gained weight, then didn't find a teaching job.  Maybe... just maybe...2012 will be I gain weight, then I lose weight, then I do find a teaching job. 

I can't give up hope - it's just too early.  I'm only two days in to my job search.  I have to stay positive.  I have to fight.  I have to focus - and retrieve back my control.  I have no control on whether or not a principle will hire me - but I do have control on every other aspect of my stress.  I'm in the driver's seat - and I can show how dedicated I am by burning off this excess weight, pushing through the roadblocks, and coming out victorious. 

Ready, set..... GO!

Till next time. ;)

There's More to Life

Dear Diary...

Raindrops on roses...whiskers on kittens....

Both make me sneeze like crazy...not sure why the heck I'd want to think about things that make me sneeze.  I'm allergic to cats - and right now, I want to stay clear from anything that produces pollen. 

Already diverted from what I was going to say.  That can't be good.  Must. Stay. Focused!

There was a reason I started the post off like that.

So, here's the dealeo.  I'm bored.  I'm bored of talking about losing weight.  I'm tired of talking about my allergies.  I'm sick of sharing how my allergies are affecting my going to the gym.  B-O-R-E-D I tell ya!

There's so much more to my life than weight loss and allergies.  OK, not too much more - but a little more. 

I want a day off from weight loss talk - so you can hear about some other stuff that's happening with me.  It may not be as thrilling and seat gripping as my usual banter... you were able to pick up on the sarcasm in that, right?  But everyone needs a day off now and then - to recharge and rediscover that there's just more to life than calorie counting and avoiding sweet temptations.  But, alas, this is a weight loss blog.  It would be nice to take a day off - but I've got to keep my head in the game.

If I were to take a day off from weight loss blogging, I'd be able to tell you that...

I'm only a few days away from being a part of my first ever Benchmark test.  Last year, during student teaching, I did ITBS testing for 2nd grade.  Now that I'm working with 3rd - 5th graders, I get to go through the Benchmark experience.  Five days of standing silently in a classroom, walking aimlessly around in circles, watching my precious kiddos try to stay focused - while I try to stay focused.  Sounds amazing, doesn't it? It's OK to admit how jealous you are.

This weekend, I might take the kiddos to see Hunger Games.  Might because I have to see how my awful cough is.  I don't want to be "one of those people" that sit through a movie hacking and coughing the whole time.  Although, I really want to see it.  I haven't read the book yet, which is very unlike me - but Peanut has read the first and second books...and she can't wait to see it.

My new favorite song right now is We Are Young, by Fun.  The lyrics don't cosmically relate to my life.  The song doesn't remind me of anyone or anything.  It's just a damn good song - and every time I hear it, I want to bust out singing and dancing.  Go ahead and hold on to that mental picture.  

I've become almost obsessed with looking at real estate websites for new houses.  Not because I'm planning on moving anytime soon - just because I dream about moving.  Yes, I want a new house - one day.  First, I have to have a teaching job - and Hubby and I have to have a down payment and finish fixing our credit.  But, I can't help going to the websites and looking at houses I'd love to buy.  I have also learned that houses are so stinking cheap right now - it makes it even harder on me.  When I can find a 2232sq ft house - 4 bedroom, 3 bath - that's only 10 years old, for less than $100,000....I want to run straight to the bank and beg them to give me a loan.  *Sigh*  I just hope houses are still this cheap this time next year, when (if I have a job) moving might be closer to a reality than a dream.

Last week, I got my very first Scentsy plug-in.  I won it playing bingo at a fundraiser.  I've wanted one for ages - but just could never justify paying that much for a plug-in air freshener.  Once I won it, I bought a bunch of Scentsy bars - and now my bathroom and bedroom smell amazing.  One day, I'll buy a few more to plug in around the house.  Or maybe wait until I have a new house - and decorate with fancy Scentsy warmers.  

I also jumped on another extremely expensive, can't believe I paid that much band wagon.  I ordered my first Thirty-One bags.  Just like Scentsy, I've wanted one - bad - but funds are tight, ya know?  Well, I decided to use a little of the tax money I'd put aside to treat myself with - and bought a new bag and a thermal tote.  I can't wait to get them - I'll be sure to post pictures.  

Butter is the closest to being on track with his reading goal than he ever has.  That's big news.  He's struggled so much the past two quarters with his reading - I'm thrilled that this time around, he's doing what he's gotta do.  I'm sure the prospect of fun stuff like Field Day and other activities that he'd miss out on if he doesn't read has some small role in all of it.  I don't care, though.  Whatever can get that boy to read - and meet his goal - is A-OK with me!

Peanut is in full social mode.  She's planning a skating party for her birthday. Notice how I said she's planning it?  Yeah.  Apparently, she's not turning 12 in a week and a half - she's turning 16.  But whatev.  She's happy.  I'm happy.  If she wants to go skating for her birthday - then the girl can go skating for her birthday.

Jelly has turned in to a lean, mean, vegetable eating machine.  It's crazy! The girl loves her some veggies.  Apparently, my recent food changes have had some affect on the household.  She's also not so picky with eating dinner.  My baby girl is growing up so fast.  Ahh...where does the time go?

So, as you can see, if I were to take a day off from discussing weight loss - you'd be able to see that life is pretty good for me right now.  Despite the fact that I've been grumbly and rumbly the past few weeks days, I have a lot to be happy about. 

I really must remember to share with you - one day - what life is like on the outside of weight loss.  One day.

Till next time. ;)