Saturday, January 05, 2013
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, The Beautiful, The Wonderful, and Everything Else of 2012
Towards the end of December, I wrote a reflection post of 2012. I went through each month and came up with what was going on in my life during each month. Looking back at that post, now, I realized I covered two things: Weight gain and looking for a teaching job. That's it. My whole year revolved around gaining weight instead of losing it and desperately trying to find a job, finding one, and celebrating it.
This morning, I started off my new blogging resolutions on the right foot and visited some other blogs to read and comment on. What I found were many bloggers reliving great achievements from last year, bashing the ideas of resolutions, or bashing people that came up with resolutions and then failed at them.
First off, I was a little hurt by some people's take on resolutions and people that make resolutions. Don't get me wrong, I know that I am definitely no poster child for weight loss success or keeping with my goals and succeeding in doing everything I set my mind on. At the end of 2011, there was only one thing on my mind: Get That Teaching Job! My whole life was consumed by it, I know that. So all those other resolutions and goals and hopes I had for myself fell to the wayside - because my mind was only focused on one thing. And you know what, resolution haters? I achieved it. I did exactly what I intended to do. I got that job. I found the happiness I had been seeking for. I succeeded.
OK, so I gained weight rather than lost it. I spent a lot of time blogging about all of the weight loss goals I had for myself, I made a plan of action, I avoided even mentioning the fact that finding a teaching job was all I cared about (HA!) - and that maybe trying to focus my efforts on losing weight would give me the strength I needed to overcome the letdown and feelings of failure I had for myself. But, I knew the truth. I knew that no matter how much I kept telling myself I needed to lose the weight or how I should do it - it wasn't going to be a priority to me until I could let go of the demon that was plaguing me. Finding that darn job.
So, then why didn't I focus on weight loss once I got the job in May? Good question. Valid. But, to bring on the droves of excuses: Being a new teacher is freakin' hard and time consuming work! Once I had my job, I found a new thing to consume my every waking thought: Getting ready for the year ahead. Once school started, I spent many nights writing plans, grading papers, writing more plans, grading more papers. For all those people that think that teaching is a 7-3 job.. HA! Spend a few days in my shoes. You'll see. Not that I am complaining - because I LOVE throwing myself in to my work. And then, the time I wasn't working, I was spending with my family. Because that was something else that was very important to me... more important than going to work out or counting calories or making food plans.
But, you know what? I can sit here all day and write about why I didn't lose weight last year, and why things may be different this year. I could write all day defending myself from the haters out there who expect me to fail - because it's been the pattern since they first started reading my blog.
What I do know is that so much more happened last year than my not losing weight and my getting the job.
1. I got to celebrate Butter completing his first year of public school in three years.
2. I got to celebrate Peanut winning the science fair and $50 even though she hates science.
3. I got to spend an entire summer with my kids not having to worry about homework, or stressing about job interviews.
4. For the first time in my life, I pushed mowed a huge yard and really enjoyed it.
5. I had to say goodbye to the dog I had owned since she was 6 weeks old.
6. I welcomed a new addition to our family - three of them, actually. All cats. All great additions. Loved by everyone in the house...including Hubby.. which is huge.
7. I was given the indication that for the first time in 10 years, my credit score was high enough to not get one - but two credit cards.
8. I learned the value of my credit, and have never used those cards without paying off the balance each month.
9. I bought a BRAND NEW CAR.
10. I got to celebrate Jelly being only 4 years old and having the dedication to learn how to tie her own shoes.
11. I learned the value of loyalty, and realized who real friends are.
12. I became part of an extended work family - something I'd been craving for years - but never knew until I stepped foot in to my new school building.
13. I was able to turn down the offer of public assistance...something I worked hard for and am very proud of.
14. I learned that Facebook is nothing more than a cesspool of hate and that no matter what's going on in our country - there will always be people on Facebook finding something to fight over.
15. I got to hear the words I've waited 5 long years to hear - and no, it wasn't "you're hired", it was "your son no longer needs his medication, he seems to have grown out of his disorder and is on the road to full recovery".
16. I got to celebrate the birthdays of my three children knowing they are healthy, happy, and loved.
I got to learn that I am who I am. I love the person I am. I fight for what I believe in. I work hard to accomplish goals. I may not succeed in everything - but I never give up. I am not here to please complete strangers. I really don't care that I disappoint people if I gain weight or don't work out like I said I would because nobody but the people who need to, know what I'm going through outside the world of Blogland.
You see, this was the reason I changed my blog in the first place. Because, no matter how much I try, I can't become one of those people who obsess over losing weight. I just can't. I can't write day after day about work-outs, eating right, counting calories, keeping a food log, joining a new fitness program, etc. etc. etc. I tried. For two years, I tried. But, this past year - just writing about my life - is what I'm about. So, judge me if you want. Blame my failures on my lack of commitment or not wanting it bad enough or whatever you want to judge me by.
As my photo shows... Maybe it's not about trying to fix something that's broken, but it's about starting over and creating something new.
I won't plan out my year. What comes, comes. I will start this year over creating something new... myself.
And you know what? I'm totally, 150% OK with that.