Saturday, May 05, 2012

Are You There God? It's Me, Joanna

Dear Diary...

This week has been tough.  Tough on my mind.  Tough on my emotions. 

When I sit down at my computer to write in this blog, it's a process.  I have to be cautious with what I say.  I have to remember that my words are visible for anyone to see.  I can't always put my life out there - I'm in a position, or trying to be in a position, where the information I share with the world is monitored.  If I chose to share my life on a public blog, it can only be the parts of my life on surface level.

Being that writing is my coping mechanism for stress, I started a private journal.  A journal where I can yell and scream and let out all of my frustrations - away from the public eye.  It's necessary.  You see, there are only two places in which I keep my emotions.  Locked up in a tiny safe in the pit of my stomach, and in the pages of my private journal. 

After everything I've been though this week, my private journal has seen me a lot.  Yesterday, however, the tiny safe in my stomach got a little too full before I had a chance to empty it out on paper.  I cried.  Something I don't do very often - hardly ever, actually.  I was able to break free from being around people before the sobs let loose.  I hate crying in front of people.  I don't like my emotions to get the best of me.  I couldn't get to my car fast enough... but I made it just in time for the uncontrollable, heaving sobs to emerge.

When I sat down to write in my private journal this morning, I let the words fly freely.  I didn't censor what I had to say.  I let it all out... how I felt, what was going on in my mind.  I don't think about what I'm writing.. I just let my fingers do the talking.  And then I saw that I wrote this...

"I am in such a dark place, that if some light doesn't start to shine at the end of this scary, dark tunnel, I'm not sure how much more I can take"

Just taking this tidbit out of the whole page is a little dangerous.  The context can be confused in many different ways.  Just let me assure you that the context simply means in regards to my emotions and the stress.  It's related to the frustrations and upset with the job hunting.  That is all.  But the words still hold a lot of force.  When I reread these words, I think of defeat.  I think that I'm on the verge of giving up.  I'm basically screaming for a sign that the fight I'm fighting is worth is. 

After I finished writing, and dried up the tears, I went about my normal routine. The first step is visiting one of my favorite blogs:  Day #1 Again.  Written by Jenn.  She is a fighter in so many aspects.  Her words always make me feel better.  Yet, this morning, there were no words for me to read.  There was just a video.  A video she wanted her readers to see.  This video...

As I watched this video, I felt the sting of fresh tears.  I felt the dampness as they rolled down my cheeks.  Just moments before I had begged my private journal to give me a sign.  I asked it to tell me that the heartache was for a purpose.  I needed something to tell me that my fight wasn't in vain - there, indeed, would be some light at the end of the dark tunnel I'm traveling down.  And here it was - sitting right on a blog page - as if waiting for me. 

I don't think about my weight journey when I watch this video - I thought about my current life struggles.  So many situations have arose that tell me I'm never going to succeed in what I want to do.  Too many times, just this week, I've curled up in a ball and let the tears flow from my eyes and the sadness release from my stomach.  And then, I was introduced to Arthur.  He makes my troubles seem stupid - but the power in his message I can relate to. 

In one of my darkest moments, I asked for a sign.  And then, I got this.  No matter how tough things get, I can now remember Arthur.  I can carry him with me.  No matter how many times I fall - I will get back up.  One day, I will be share my story of how I overcame the walls that were in front of me...and share how Arthur and Jenn gave me the sign that I needed to keep going.

Thank you Arthur, and Jenn!!

Till next time. ;)


  1. Great blog and very inspiring video! Thank you for sharing your journey with us Joanna.

    1. Thank you for reading and your kind words. :)

  2. I hope you feel better after letting it out in your private journal. I had a blow-up session on Wednesday where all the things I kept bottled up exploded at once. It wasn't pretty but thankfully, there were no casualties.

    I hope your weekend improves!

    1. I really do feel better after I write. Many people often ask me how I manage to stay so calm or cheery...well, it's only because I spend so much time writing my problems away. Sometimes, the best stress reliever is letting all the stress out. I prefer to do it in the privacy of journal pages - but it still gets it out of my system.

  3. Joanna,

    I really don't even know how to begin this comment! I've started and deleted it 8x already!! Your post today filled me with such emotion. First & foremost, I'm sorry you are in such a dark place. I really hope that discovering Arthur's story did start to lift you up a little, so you can keep on fighting the good fight.

    Obviously, I haven't 'known' you for very long but what I do know is that you are a fighter in every sense of the word. I have not seen you give up on your weight loss, your kids, your job search ... anything! You may have set backs, but you KEEP GOING. And that is admirable.

    We all have the moments where we feel like something has just got to give. I know you are there. I'm sincerely pulling for you in all areas of your life and wishing you nothing but success. YOU WILL HAVE IT ALL - it just might take some time for it to all come together at the same time.

    Thanks so much for being such a huge support to me as well! I always look forward to reading your blog and the beautiful, thoughtful comments you leave to me as well. Keep fighting, mama! xoxo Jenn

    1. Thank you, my friend. You really have had such a hand in my fighter attitude. I guess you are one of my signs, if I think about it. I remember when I was on the verge of giving up on my weight loss because of the setbacks I kept having - and then you and your blog appeared. Yes, I've always had that fighter instinct - but sometimes it takes a little coaxing to get it out. You arrived at the perfect time to tell and show me that I could do it...and now, I'm losing weigh faster than I EVER have.

      If I were to believe that there are guardian angels out there - I'd have to say that you are mine. Regardless of what life has in store for me in the near future, I know that I will keep fighting. I know that I won't give up.

      Teaching is apart of me - it's in my DNA... And eventually, a principal will notice and offer me the chance I've been waiting a whole lifetime to receive.

    2. I'm truly touched by this comment. Thank you :)

      ~more tears~


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