The last couple of days, I've been making some references to the fact that I don't like being taken at face value and that there's more to me than most people are willing to get to know. That raised a few questions and people got curious to what I meant by that. Am I one person to some, another person to others? Am I hiding away an alter ego that only comes out at certain times? Am I trying to be someone that I'm not? And so on.
My comment about being taken at face value simply means that many people look at me and see one thing, yet it's not what I want them to see.
I often wonder what people sometimes think when they look at me. Not so much what they think about me, more about what they see in me. I know that I'm a pretty ordinary looking girl. I'm not exactly beautiful, but I'm not ugly. I have flaws, I have imperfections, and I definitely can't compete to some of the "babes" that are out there.
But looks are surface level stuff.
A few weeks ago, someone told me that they dream about my eyes. Something about looking in to them and seeing things... a world of mystery. And for a split second in that moment, I got a glimpse of someone trying to see what was inside of me. What thoughts I had, what pains I went through, and my dreams and fantasies for the future.
I have read somewhere that the eyes are the gateway to the soul. Some people have the ability to look deep in to someone's eyes and know what they are thinking, what they are feeling, and what they desire. I am not one of those people. I don't have that ability. But, I like to believe that my eyes can be the gateway in to my soul and that the right person could probably know everything there is to know about me by looking in to my eyes.
I have often said that I am an open book. I write about my life, my thoughts, and my feelings. Many people think that I spill way too much of myself in to these blogs. But what those people don't realize is that the words I share on these pages are just a minuscule amount of what I am. Who I am. They are also deceiving, because I often say a lot and then what I have to say is taken completely wrong or out of context and what people assume about me ends up way off from what I originally intended.
But, there are a select few people out there that read what I have to say and can connect. They understand, or can at least relate to what I'm trying to say. They feel similar connections to people, have similar insecurities, or are dealing with similar situations and understand where I'm coming from.
People who thought they knew me well are now questioning that fact. People that didn't know me at all are now understanding me better. It fascinates me how connections between people work.
Chemistry between people is a fascinating thing. I have often wondered what causes certain connections between people. I often wonder why one person can love another so much, give so much of themselves to that person, yet the other person feels nothing. Then, you find out that someone feels that exact same way about you, and then you feel nothing for them. What goes on in our minds and bodies to cause such chemistry? Is it a cosmic connection? Is it destiny? Is it biological?
I know that if someone really wanted to get to know the real me, look inside and see what I'm hiding, I'd compare what they'd see to fire. Burning, giant flames of desire. In the past few months those flames have risen to great heights. They flare during good times, they flare even more during the bad. I have felt more emotions in the past two months than I have the past fifteen years of my life. Yet, even though those flames have been raging out of control, I have done everything in my power to keep the fire out of my eyes, keep them extinguished from the surface, and try and pretend that I'm not burning from the inside out. Sometimes the flames burn a little out of control and rush to the surface. And that comes from my anger and confusion at wanting something so badly, yet not being able to do anything to get it.
All I can do now is try and control the fire. Keep it locked away the best that I can, and hope that eventually the blaze will start to smolder. The flames will never die out, I know that for sure. Nothing will ever replace the feelings I have, but hopefully they will start to decrease to a manageable level.
In my chest beats a heart that has been bashed, beaten, and tested beyond limits. Yet it still beats. There are days that I wonder if it will continue beating because it feels so empty, and there are days that it beats so strong I wonder if it will stay in my chest.
And, I often ask myself how someone can't understand how much of a beating to my heart I'm willing to take for them. How can someone, like myself, have so much love to give, so much desire to make another happy, is willing to take so much pain and so much agony, and not break from it all? Why am I not able to give up? Why am I not able to turn away? Why am I not able to put out the fire that burns inside of me?
Why am I not good enough?
That's the question it really boils down to. No matter what I'm feeling, what I'm willing to do, what lengths I'm willing to travel to, the question remains why am I not good enough?
Inside of me, I know that I have the ability to be there, make someone happy, give them all I have to give... but it's not good enough. I'm not good enough.
And that's a very painful pill to swallow.
There's nothing I can do about it. Lord knows I've tried, I'm trying. I have tried to prove myself, my worth, my willingness to be there. And, I know that these thoughts will lead to concern from some, and others will tell me to give up, move on... that it's not worth it.
But, it is worth it. To me.
I may not ever be good enough to get what my heart truly desires. But, the road I am traveling comes with great lessons. I'm learning each day new things about myself. Boundaries I'm willing to cross, challenges I'm willing to face. My path may not lead to what I truly want, but they will end up leading me somewhere. I truly believe that. And I'm willing to travel the road and see what's waiting for me at the end.
I may not be good enough for what I want, but maybe there's something else waiting for me that I don't even know about yet. And I might as well keep going down the path until I find it.