Saturday, February 14, 2015

Just Another Day I Get to Be Alone

If I had my way I'd be able to sleep completely through today.  Just let it pass by without it even being a blip on my radar.  I mean, it's not like I've celebrated Valentine's Day in over ten years, so why on earth did I expect this year to be any different?

Why?  Because for the first time in over ten years, I really thought it would be.

Call me dumb, call me stupid, call me an idiot... it's OK, because I am all of those things. But, I really thought someone would come through for me today and at least offer back a small hand of generosity like I had shown.  Not out of love, out of friendship...because that's what friends do.

I spent over $300 on this friend for Valentine's Day.  I didn't do it to get anything in return, I did it because I wanted to.  None of the things I do for the people I care about are because I expect anything in return.  I help those I love because I truly want to, care for them, and want to help in any way I can.  But, even I will admit that after doing so much, I would at least expect to get ONE thing that I ask for.  And all I asked for was to not be alone today.  That's it.  Nothing else, nothing more... just don't let me be alone on Valentine's Day.

So, guess who's going to be alone on Valentine's Day?  Yep... me.

It is what it is, though.  I was stupid for thinking anything different.  I mean, I'm totally used to doing so much for everyone else and having my own needs and wants put on the back burner.  That's my life in a nutshell.  I do everything I can hoping to please everyone else, but very rarely does someone do something for me out of the goodness of their heart.  

I was so angry and upset last night that I even considered not being that person anymore.  Turning myself in to the person that cares about nobody else but myself.  Maybe that's where I'm going wrong.  Maybe I'd be more happy if all I cared about was me, and let nobody else in or helped anyone else.  

But,  the truth is...that will never be me. 

I just have to realize once and for all that just because I'm willing to do just about anything for the happiness of someone I care about more than anyone else on this planet, besides my children, doesn't mean that anyone is going to ever care about me in that way.

And, yes, I'm sure there might be someone out there that would be willing to show me love and care.. but for some unknown reason, I don't want that.  I seem to be stuck on the fact that I am willing to torture myself, hurt myself, feel pain, agony, and loneliness because one day this person may wake up and realize that I'm still there.  I'm still doing what I do, I'm still putting up with it, and I haven't ever given up.  Because in my heart, I know, I will keep that promise.  I know that I will continue to be unhappy for the sake of his happiness.  I will continue to give, and give, and give and know that I may not ever get anything in return.

That's on me.  

I am stupid, I'm an idiot.  I mean, who does something like that?  Who puts up with all this crap knowing that they can turn and run at any time?  Who shuts everyone else out that has shown me kindness and the opportunity to be treated the way I treat others?  All for a person that obviously doesn't care about me.  

I guess I do.

If you ask me why, I'd tell you because I want to or because I think it's worth it.  But, truthfully, even I don't know why.  There's just something inside of me telling me that I have to, that I can't give up, that I have to keep pushing, proving, standing strong to the rejection and the pain.  Call it some kind of cosmic power or feelings that are taking over me, but both my head and my heart are on the same team when it comes to this subject.  Both keep telling me that I have to stay strong, and that I can't EVER give up.

So, today, I will be alone.  I will spend some time reflecting on my life and make some important decisions about how it's going to move forward.  I am hurting, I am in pain... but pain gives me strength, so I'm curious what the strength will push me to do.  

But, one thing I know is that whatever I decide, I won't ever give up.  It may mean accepting my loneliness and keeping myself alone for a while.  Maybe the loneliness is what I need to start making friends with.  But, I also know that sometimes it's better to distance myself from the source of the pain.  That's maybe what I need to do.  Distance myself for a while.  Stop making myself so vulnerable.  Care from a distance.  Be there from a distance.  Cut myself off for a while.

I will never give up, but I don't have to be on the front line of the attack.  

Maybe it's time to retreat for a while, reorganize my thoughts, and build myself up again.

And, today seems like a perfect day to do just that.


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