Wednesday, January 07, 2015

It's Time to Let Go


Day Two of very little sleep.  I'm not really sure what happened.  Yesterday, I walked around the school like a zombie for most of the day because I was so tired.  I went to a meeting and yawned my way through it, watching the clock tick the minutes down to get me closer to my bed.  I got home and fought to keep my eyes open for a little while so that I wouldn't end up falling asleep too early.  And, then, I go to bed and just like that, I'm staring at the ceiling, eyes wide open, knowing that sleep will not be visiting me anytime soon.

After a little while of trying to go to sleep, and trying to calm my brain of the million thoughts buzzing around, I realized what I had to do....and then the tears came.  At first, they stung my eyes, and I fought to keep them at bay.  But, then I realized that it was what I needed.  I needed to release the thoughts, release the nagging feelings, and just let it all out.  And that's exactly what I did... I cried until I didn't need to cry anymore.  Then, I went to sleep.

So, what caused the tears?  

Remember last week when I wrote those reversed resolutions?  I wrote about how I was going to stop sweating the small stuff, let go of the "what if" statements, pick my battles carefully, remove the negativity, and keep moving forward without dwelling on the past.  Since I wrote that post, I have had those goals engrained in my mind.  Everything I've done, everything I've said, I've thought about whether I'm focusing on those things.  And, what I've quickly realized is that they will be a lot harder to accomplish than I thought.  It's going to be a tough transition, but not one I'm giving up on.

What I've also realized over this past week is that I should have added one more thing to that list:  Not be so honest.

That doesn't mean I'm going to start lying.  That's definitely not me.  Honesty is a way of life for me, it's one of my good qualities, but it's also one of my bad qualities.  Sometimes I just don't know when I should tell someone exactly what I think, or just keep my mouth shut.  And that's what I really need to work on.  Sometimes telling someone how you really feel isn't the best way of dealing with things.

The quote you see pictured here is something I found on Facebook last night.  When I read the words, I agreed with the statement.  But there should be an addendum added to that quote.  You should always tell someone how you feel, opportunities are indeed lost in the blink of an eye, and regret does last a lifetime.  But, the part that's missing is the fact that you should be prepared for whatever response you get.

If you're in love with someone, you should tell that person.  Just be prepared to hear that he/she doesn't share the same feelings.

If you're worried about someone, you should tell that person.  Just be prepared for them to tell you to mind your own business.

If you want to help someone, you should let them know you want to help.  Just be prepared for them to reject you or find ulterior motives to your actions even if there aren't any.

If you have a great idea, you should share that idea.  Just be prepared to others to not find it so wonderful.

Or, you could just keep it all to yourself, so you won't ever have to worry about the rejection.  

And that's what I'm dealing with right now.  The decision to whether or not I want to be someone that continues expressing my feelings, knowing there's a good chance it's just going to cause me pain.  Or, do I just start keeping my mouth shut and wait for situations to play out without my thoughts or input?

Look at me, only a week in to the new year, and I'm already a bundle of crazy.  

Usually, I'm pretty open and adaptable to change.  Usually, I can plan and prepare for new situations, new decisions, and new ideas.  But there lies the issue:  Usually, I plan and prepare for EVERYTHING.  That's something I'm trying to decrease, and I can feel the weight of not having that control looming over me.  

I've been spending this past week waiting for the next situation to spring up, the next surprise to happen, and to just see what happens next.  I've left work early, without spending a couple of hours putting everything back in its place.  I've made on the spot decisions without spending hours considering them.  I've spoke my mind without thinking about the consequences.  And you know what I've figured out?  This stuff is HARD!!  

I know, I'm rambling on and on today without really making much sense.  But, I've had about 4 hours of sleep in the past two days, so what do you expect?  That fact that I'm even putting words together to form sentences is pretty out-freaking-standing right now.  

And that's why I figure it's probably better to just leave it at that.  

I'm not giving up on my reverse resolutions.  I'll find some balance, I'll adjust.  And I'm also going to really focus on not spewing out how I really feel, and work on keeping my thoughts to myself.  Not everyone wants to hear what I have to say, and it's about time I realized that.  

OK, have a great Wednesday, everyone!


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