I debated whether or not I should write this post, but everything inside of me tells me that right or wrong, it needs to be written. The picture I will paint of myself won't be a pretty one, but I can't sit here and scream for honesty when I, myself, am not being honest about what's going on inside of me.
There's no easy way to say what I need to say. I just need to get it out there, in one clean swoop, and try to make everyone understand the raw emotions I'm dealing with and have been dealing with. It's not an explanation or sugar coating for my actions, but more of a cleansing of my soul and a release of what has been built up inside of me for as long as I can remember.
The easiest way to do this is to start at the beginning.....
It all started fifteen years ago. I was only 17 years old, and for the first time in my life knew what true love was. I had found someone that made my heart flutter when he entered the room, made my skin light with electricity with the slightest touch, and could look in to my eyes and almost read the very depths of my soul. We could talk for hours about anything and everything, and never get bored. We could lay for the same amount of hours without saying a word, entwined in each others' arms, listening to the music that played. And in those moments, I felt like I was in pure heaven.
Then, I got pregnant and he was ripped away from me. Neither of us had a say in the matter. Some quick decisions made by his family took him away from me, and forced me to go about my life alone.. pregnant, lonely, scared. But, it wasn't being pregnant that scared me, it was the thought of being without him. Losing him damaged a piece of my heart that day, and that piece of my heart never recovered. It has always kept his memory alive. For the past fourteen years, whenever I have looked in to the eyes of our beautiful daughter, I've seen him. I've been able to keep a part of him with me this whole time, and every time she's done something that reminds me of him, that broken piece of my heart fluttered with life.
I moved on with my life, realizing that he was gone and I had to face the fact that he wasn't coming back. I went through several years of pure hell, but I made it through them. I am convinced that I pushed myself in to pain and agony just so that I could feel something. The love I have for him never, EVER went away... the pain just got easier with every day that passed. The more pain I searched for, the less pain I felt for him. Until, eventually, I realized I didn't deserve to keep torturing myself. I could be happy without him. I could find love somewhere else.
And that's what I did.
I fell in love again with a man that made me feel safe, protected, and allowed me to release the pain I'd pushed upon myself for so many years. The love I had for him was strong, different but still love. I was happy for the first time in a very long time, and that happiness made me push aside the feelings I had been carrying around and let me experience life on a whole new level. He supported me, encouraged me, and was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to. He had his own dark past that he was carrying around, and I truly believe that's what brought us together. We were able to share our pain with each other, and help each other heal.
And for nine years, I was happy, in love, and determined to make my life the best I could for my children and myself.
But, the sad truth is, even though I was able to cover the part of my heart that had been broken, it never truly recovered. I know this because when I saw my first love for the first time in fifteen years last summer, that part of my heart ripped to life and brought back all the pain, all the agony, and all the feelings I had spent so long trying to cover and ignore.
The contact came from Peanut wanting to finally meet her father. I reached out and made the contact, and from that moment, my heart has been in utter, complete turmoil. We spent many nights talking for hours... and hours...and hours. We talked about the past, we talked about our lives and what we'd been though these past fourteen years, and we shared the pain that both of us had been through.
I hadn't gone through the pain alone. I hadn't been the only one to be torn away. I hadn't been the only one who's heart had been permanently damaged. We had gone through it together, while being apart.
For little over a month, we didn't go more than a couple of hours without talking. It was nothing more than two friends sharing our life stories, and trying to connect a father and daughter. But, then all of a sudden he was ripped from me again, and I was put in to total silence for a couple more months. Talk about de-ja-vu. Emotions I had spent YEARS to contain resurfaced and had me walking around on the verge of tears at all times, hidden behind the smile of my strength.
It was also then that I started pushing myself away from Hubby. Well, that's not entirely true. To be completely honest, I had felt us drifting apart for a very long time. For over a year, in fact, our relationship had turned in to more of a roommate situation. I was always so busy with the kids and work that I found I was hardly home. My life had gotten in to the humdrum of work, events, home, bed, rinse and repeat. There was no time in the middle of that, really, for Hubby. Our conversations consisted of me sharing the plans for the week, and intimacy became non-existent. Well before my heart being thrown in to the blender last year, my relationship with Hubby had deteriorated to a monotonous factory line of pleasantries and comfort. It was the routine, and I just continued to ride the conveyer belt. There was no excitement, no sparks, no rush of emotion. Our relationship just continued to run the cycle, with no changes, and I had accepted that.
Little did I know that on the last day before Christmas break I was about to jump on a rollercoaster ride that would plummet me in to a world of utter chaos, excitement, and heart wrenching twists and turns.
Since the day after Christmas, my life has taken a complete turn. My emotions have had more of a workout in the past month than they have in fifteen years. But, you all know that because of my writing. You have all known that something has been going on with me. You all know that there's been a lot more to the story that I've been hiding. And, you were all right.
And, the broken piece of my heart that was so severely damaged fifteen years ago has been beating with the rest of my heart for the past month. The piece of me that was shattered and damaged and has started to show signs of life. And while there are still many repairs that need to be done, I had to make some tough decisions in order for it to receive the oxygen it needs to determine if it will ever be repaired or if it's just a false hope of survival.
But, it is time that I share that I have decided to figure out what lays ahead alone. Hubby, now to be known as "S", and I have ended our relationship. It was my decision. It was a decision that had to be made. The feelings I have in my heart just told me it was time to let it go. The break-up was not for another man. The break-up was because it needed to be. I know that my path may be very cold and lonely. I know that even though the damaged piece of my heart has seen some form of life over the past month, it is not healed and may not ever be that way. I know that I may be destined to be alone. I am no stranger to loneliness. Because some of my most lonely times have been when I'm in the company of others. I just need to clear my head, clear my heart, and start over. I need to focus on my children, my work, and getting myself back to the person I once was... determined for happiness. There's a big difference between happiness and comfort. I can be comfortable without being happy, and I want a chance of being happy AND comfortable.
Everyone knows that I am a person that believes that everything happens for a reason. There are so many parts of my life that support that thought process. I have no idea what my future holds. I know that I could be knocked in to severe pain and agony, all over again, but pain is required in order to fully heal. It's time I healed. It's time I stopped putting a band-aid over my heart and trying to ignore the pain that has seeped in to my soul for so long. It's time for closure.
Today starts the first day of my new life. Whatever happens is going to happen. I have no control over what each day will bring, but I can embrace it and take it for what it is. I know I have many hurdles standing in my way. I know that I'm looking at some very tough times, once again. But, I'm ready and willing to do what I need to do to get through this.
I am a very strong woman. There are parts of me that nobody will EVER uncover. But, it's those deep, dark parts of me that empower the strength I need to survive. It's those dark parts of me that give me the courage to push past the pain and fight for the light.
If I am destined to be alone, so be it. I know in my heart I will never truly be alone. I will always have my kids, and I will dedicate my life in to making sure they have what they need and that they are happy.
People are going to say what they want to say about me. They are going to make assumptions. And that's OK. Say what you want to say about me. Think what you want to think about me. But, just know that NOBODY will ever know what has truly gone on in my heart and mind except me.
Life starts over, Today!!