Thursday, January 08, 2015

OK, Here's the Deal....


OK, so today I think I need to get a few things out there.  Lay the cards on the table and answer some questions that I keep getting asked.  You would think that after so many years of blogging, I'd understand how frustrating it can be to people that read my blog when I get all vague and mysterious.  You would think that I'd avoid being all vague and mysterious altogether, due to the fact that I'm writing a public blog and just about anyone can read it.  But, what has really happened is the fact that I've merged the two together.  I blog in a vague and mysterious way sometimes because I need to get stuff out there, but I'm also aware that people are I have to do the best I can.

What I have grown to live with, though, is the curiosity.  People tend to worry about me if they don't understand what I'm talking about.  I start getting a few messages from readers and friends asking me if everything is OK, or if there's anything they can do to help.  Which is very sweet and kind, but most of the time I'm a little dumbfounded cause I'm not sure what caused their concern.  Then, it takes me trying to read my blog from a pair of unknowing eyes, and then it makes a little more sense.

So, due to all the vagueness and uncertainty I've been spewing out on my blog for the past week or so, I figured it's time to answer a few questions.  I'm going to tell the truth, be honest, and share as much as I possibly can.  OK?

1.  What the heck is going on with you?

That's a great question.  Honestly, everything and nothing is going on with me.  Since New Year's, I've been trapped in this bubble of contemplation and deepness.  It's hard to describe, really.  I know what's caused it, but I can't really share that information.  What I can say is that what appears to some to be sadness isn't sadness... it's just deep reflection.  I'm in a state of uncertainty, and that's a little scary and a little exciting.  I'm dealing with that uncertainty the way I know how:  Writing about it.  I've also lost some sleep over it, but I managed to sleep last night so all is good there.  Doesn't this answer help?  I know, it's just as vague as everything I've been blogging... but hopefully you understand why.

2.  Has something bad happened to you?

No.  Nothing bad has happened to me.  In fact, I'd say the complete opposite, really.  For the past couple of weeks, I've had to pull some old skeletons out of my closet, but I've found that doing so isn't as bad as I thought it would be.  While reliving the past is something I'm trying very hard to try and avoid, I'm realizing that sometimes there is a reason the past comes back to haunt us.  Sometimes there's unfinished business that needs to be taken care of.  Sometimes the past rears its head to help me remember what it is I'm fighting for, and what my visions have been throughout my life.  And sometimes the past comes back in order to help pave the way for the future.  What I can say is that the past defines who we are.  We have choices with how we deal with the past.  While we can't relive the past and redo what was once lost, maybe... just maybe, you can pick up where you had to leave off and make a fresh start.  That's what I'm hoping for, right now.  That some unfinished business from my past is going to help me pick up where I left off and make a fresh start.  It's not going to happen today or anytime soon, but I am trying to stay confident that I'm finding my way back to a path I strayed away from many years ago, and I'll finally get to finish the journey that I once started but lost sight off.  

3.  Why don't you just spit out what you're trying to say?

Oh, if it were that easy.  HA!  I have learned over the years that being vague on my blog can have disastrous  effects.  People get tired of trying to break the code or read between the lines.  And, all I can say to that is:  I accept that, and I'm sorry.  Unfortunately, I can't do anything about it.  There are some people that read my blog and they know what's going on, and there are others that don't.  My vagueness is with purpose.  I don't do it to just try and be annoying.  I do it because I have to protect certain people - and myself.  I'm sorry if reading my blog is sometimes like reading a military code.  At the end of the day, my blog is for me.  I know what I mean, and I know what I'm trying to say.  I try and answer as many questions as I can, but I also have a private life that needs to be protected.  Sometimes I just can't write about whatever I want and say whatever I want.  

4.  Are you OK?

In a nutshell?  Yes.  I'm OK.  I'm a little confused, disoriented, and unsure.. but who isn't, right?  I have some things that I'm trying to work out, but nothing major.  Nothing bad has happened to me, I'm not in danger, and I'm not depressed or even sad really.  I just have to take one day at a time with what's going on, and see where it leads and what happens.  That's hard for me, cause I've always been such a planner.  I'm in to black and white:  Knowing what is and what's to come.  Having a grey area in my life is a little scary, but it's also pretty exciting.  There's a specific reason I set the reversed resolutions that I did, and it's related to what's going on with me.  My focus for this year is to live more, plan less.  Go with the flow.  See what life has in store for me.  There's a very good chance I'm going to come out of this wondering what the heck I was even thinking in the first place.  But, there's also a slim chance that I could come out of this following the path I started MANY years ago that's been waiting to be traveled.  I'm willing to take the chance on living in this unplanned, out-of-my control state until that plays out.  

I know, this hasn't really helped much has it?

I'm sorry.  

Just understand that everyone has secrets.  Everyone has parts of their life that they're just not willing to share.  I just happen to be the kind of person that has a hard time with that, and sometimes I have to say as much as I can in order to deal.  That ends up in the form of vague, weird, and cryptic writing.  

But, I am fine.  I am OK.  No need to worry.  If the time comes that I'm able to share what this was all about, I will.  If not, I won't.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!


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