Well, I had to do something yesterday that I haven't had to do in a very long time. Take down a blog post because it was too much to put out there. Well, it was too much to put out there without writing this blog post as an explanation. Once this post is published, I'll be able to put yesterday's back up.
But until then, I need to do some explaining.
I write a blog because I love to write. I'm think I'm pretty decent at it, and it makes me feel so much better once I've pounded away at the keyboard and tried to express some of my feelings.
I've always been pretty open about my life, and when I write I share what I want to share. I do have to be careful sometimes with what I share, due to protecting myself. But just because I don't use names or I don't spit out exactly what's going on in my life doesn't mean I'm trying to deliberately make people worry about me or start making assumptions.
One thing I don't think anyone really knows about me is the fact that I usually only share about 10% of my inner feelings on my blog. I know I seem to be quite an open book, but that's actually quite far from the truth. I have demons, I have skeletons in my closet, and I have secrets. I have a private life, and I don't like to share EVERYTHING that goes on in my brain. I know it seems that way, sometimes, but it's not like that. When I'm facing some of my darker "issues" I have to try and be creative in how I write about them, because they aren't the type of stuff I want the whole world to know.
I know what you're thinking. Why make the blog public?
Well, because there are people out there that actually enjoy reading my blog. This week, I had someone tell me I should think about writing a book. They enjoy reading my blog so much, and it doesn't bother them a bit that they have no idea what I'm talking about or what secrets I'm hiding. They just enjoy the way I write. That was a huge compliment. I've also been told this week that what I write about touched someone else about a totally different reason. It may not be the same type of issue I'm dealing with, but the way I wrote about my feelings resonated with them and they are able to connect with my messages.
But, one thing I do have to say about some of my writing is that it is NOT to be taken literal. What I have to say may show some signs or hints about a certain situation, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm dealing with that situation.
Case in point, yesterday's blog post. I wrote about some of the inner emotions that are troubling me, and spoke of people coming in to my life for a reason, and taking a new journey alone. I don't know how many people assumed that meant I was now single and dealing with a horrible break up.
That's NOT what I meant.
I was actually talking about something totally different. An inner issue that I'm dealing with that has absolutely nothing to do with my current relationship. It was about my emotions and some of the feelings that I'm dealing with, and have been dealing with for many, many years... since I was in high school, in fact. When I start writing about my feelings, I usually use a lot of figurative language. I compare how I'm feeling to certain scenarios because it's the easiest way to put in to words how I'm feeling. It isn't supposed to be taken literally.
Sometimes what I write and how I write it makes my situation seem far worse than it actually is. Just because I write pretty deeply, and really push some dark emotions doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in the middle of a major crisis or on the verge of a break down. It may just mean that I'm feeling a certain way and I choose pretty out there ways for me to express how I'm feeling.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that there are very few people on this earth that know the "real" me. I have spent many years building this persona portraying myself as someone that speaks their mind and shares their feelings. But, the truth is, I'm the complete opposite of that. I speak my mind and I share my feelings about a tiny minuscule of what actually goes on in my life and what runs through my brain. I carry around 90% of my burdens and my true emotions, bottling them up and trying with all my might not to release them. That can be quite the burden in itself, which is why I write.
Some people, when they have emotional baggage, may speak to friends or loved ones, get professional help, or just never acknowledge any of it. I don't work that way. I can think of maybe two people on this earth that know pretty much everything about me, or at least who'd I'd be willing to share everything about myself with. The only other way I know to release some of the pent up emotion is to write. Sometimes I'm able to say, pretty clearly, what I need to say. Other times I can go off in to this cryptic world of figurative language, comparisons, and well... what seems to be some pretty dark stuff. But, I like writing that way. I like tapping in to some of my creativity to make my words flow in an interesting, touching, and deep way.
I feel like I've had to defend my blog or explain myself a few too many times over the past couple of weeks. That's on me. But one thing I can't stress enough is that I'm OK. If my life was really that bad, believe me, I wouldn't be writing about it on my blog. What I'm dealing with is not causing me to go in to a deep depression, I'm not making myself sick over it, nor am I on the verge of some mental break down. In fact, the person anyone of you will see each and every day is the same girl that I always am. I'll have a smile on my face, my only focus will be my students while I'm at work, and it's OK to approach me. My writing gives me the ability to separate my emotions, release them in a healthy way, and helps me carry on each and every day as if nothing is happening. I have become a master at hiding my true emotions, holding on to a hard outer shell that is almost impossible to break.
I have spent my entire adult years building up walls that protect my thoughts from my reality. I've been through some of the worst situations, the hardest situations, and the downright terrifying. I have shared a tiny portion of some of the darker times of my life, and carry around everything else. Those things never go away... never. Sometimes something happens to me that surfaces some of those darker times that I have done a good job of burying. A reminder, a flashback, something like that. They haunt me, and I write about them so that I can release what I need to and once again bury what I need to.
My writing is my therapy. It is my creative release. It's my way of expressing myself in a way I can't put in to words when I speak. I love to write, it's my passion... and, once again, isn't supposed to be taken literally.
So, once again, I tell you to not worry about me. Please don't make assumptions or try and read between the lines to figure stuff out. I mean, you can, but know that you're probably WAY off from what's really going on. I know that sounds kind of annoying, but it is what it is. If you like the way I write, and can just take in my words for their value, then please keep reading. However, if you read what I write and want to dissect and play detective in trying to figure out what the heck I'm talking about, 1) Good luck and 2) Give up. You'll end up driving yourself crazy trying to figure out how my mind works.
Take everything I write with a grain of salt. Don't take it literal. And last but not least, enjoy what I have to say and maybe you can find something you can connect it to.
I am good. REALLY!!!!
I'm not going to stop writing the way I do. I can't. But, I hate feeling like I have to take stuff down because my writing has been blown WAY out of proportion and all kinds of rumors and gossip are surfacing about me. If you have a question, ask me. The chances I'll tell you what's going on is slim to none, but I can put your mind at ease if you ever get to worrying about me.
OK, time for me to go.
Have a great Friday, everyone!!