Tuesday, January 27, 2015

What Twenty Four Hours Can Bring

Last night, I was able to do something I haven't done in quite a while.  I slept without crying myself to sleep, passing out from exhaustion, or trying to turn off my mind just long enough for slumber to take me.  It just happened.  And the weird thing was, I think I was able to do that because I had finally released what I needed to release.

I knew I was taking some risks posting yesterday's blog.  I knew that there would be some people that would read what I had to say and cast their judgements.  And that's OK.  I didn't write it looking for sympathy or extending an explanation to those that were curious about what's going on with me.  I wrote it because I needed to let it go, let it out really.  I've learned that when I try and hold things in, they bottle and build like a bottle of pop that's been rolled around the trunk of a car.  It will continue to build pressure, slowly start to get harder, and BAM!!  There's an explosion to let out all of the pressure.  

Usually, it's pretty hard to get me shaken up to my explosion point.  I'm more like the can of soda that can be shaken up, given a little tap on the top, and the pressure dies down.  Then, I'm just left flat and tasteless while I try and process the feelings.  But, here lately, I've found that it's been a lot harder to contain my emotions and the pressure, and I've quickly started to understand it's better to try and open the bottle slowly than allowing it to get to the explosion point.  

Last night, something happened that made me feel like everything is going to be OK.  It was such a small gesture, and any other time I'd probably just let it bounce off me not really taking in what was said.  But, I received a message that sparked up a great conversation.  A simple message that really touched me, and left me with tears in my eyes.  Good tears.  The message?

"You are one of the most beautiful people I know.  Not only are you smokin' hot on the outside, but that beauty no way compares to the beauty you have on the inside.  I'm here for you if you wanna talk."

This message didn't come from a close friend or a family member.  It came from someone that has been sitting on the sidelines of my life, having no real contact with me at all, and reading and taking in everything I write, everything I post on Facebook, and was waiting for the right moment to give me the jolt of confidence I needed.

I've seen those little memes that have gone around Facebook, and one that has always stuck out in my brain is one that reads "You have no idea the power behind a Good Morning, Beautiful text".  It sounds horrible to admit, but you have no idea how many times I've read that picture and wondered how nice that would be.  To have someone that sends me a text like that, just for the sake of it.  Or to pay me a compliment not because I'm fishing for one, but because they just felt the need to say something nice to me.

And, again, I know how bad that sounds.  Sounds likes I'm one of those people that just craves attention from others.  The sad truth is, I am the kind of person that blows off compliments because I don't believe them.  When someone tells me I'm pretty or beautiful, I laugh.  When someone tells me I have a great personality, I take that as code to mean that I'm not that easy on the eyes, but I'm easy to get along with.  I'm one of those people that cringes when someone says something nice to me, because I often have a hard time believing it.  But, something about last night's message kinda made me think that maybe, just maybe there are people out there that think I am beautiful, and that it's OK to accept their words as a compliment and it's OK to feel good about it.

That message led to a great conversation.  We talked, we laughed, and not once did I feel the need to share what's going on with me, talk about my pain, or feel like there were ulterior motives for what was being said.  All this person knew about me was what I'd written here, and what I share on Facebook... which I suppose is quite a bit, being that I do share quite a bit of my life in both places.  But, none of that mattered.  

It felt good to have an almost complete stranger reach out and offer me someone to talk to.  

That doesn't discredit the people I know and love that have reached out to me over the past twenty-four hours.  I am truly thankful for the people that have offered their support and understanding about what I'm going through.  I'm also truly thankful for the people that have said some not so nice things to me or have cast their judgement without knowing all the facts.  That's OK, too.  One thing I'm learning each day is that I can't control the emotions and feelings of others, no matter how hard I try.  People are going to think what they want to think, act how they want to act, and treat me the way they want to treat me.  

I think that one of the harshest forms of punishments is silence.  It's almost deafening to receive total silence from the people you want to hear the most from.  It tears me to the core when I'm being ignored.  But, sometimes that silence is necessary.  I don't know what's going on in the mind of the ones ignoring me.  I don't know what's causing the silence.  I can guess, and that leads to a whole other realm of problems.  I make one of the biggest asses out of myself when I start letting assumptions take over.  That's something I want to work on.  Not allowing my assumptions to take over my head and plant seeds that usually end up being nothing more than weeds.  

But last night, while the silence was most deafening, someone took the time to break the silence and allow my brain to calm down and let the worries fade away, for a little while.  I was relaxed, I was able to laugh, and I was able to be comfortable and happy.  The loneliness subsided for a short time, and I got a slight glimmer of hope that everything really is going to be OK.  

So, this morning, I just want to say THANK YOU for taking some time to give me that compliment.  THANK YOU for talking to me.  THANK YOU for not prying or asking questions about what's going on with me.  And just THANK YOU for breaking the silence and giving me something to take my mind off of everything.  You have no idea how much I appreciated it.  

This morning, I woke up thinking it was going to be a good day.  I got this.  Everything really is going to be OK.  I'm going to take on challenges, I'm going to have an uphill climb, and I'm going to have bad days... but don't we all?  

I just need to take twenty-four hours at a time.  Step by step.  And, this morning, I can totally believe that's possible.

Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!


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