Wednesday, January 28, 2015

When I Promise Always... I Mean It

I am sitting in a very gray area right now.  What do I mean?  Well...

The gray area:  The place the heart sits when it's not sure what to expect, what's happening, or what to feel.  A form of limbo of the emotions.  

I think that's a good way to explain what I mean when I refer to the "gray area".  That's how I feel.  I'm in an almost zombie-like state with my emotions.  I'm not sure how to feel, what to expect, and I definitely have no idea what the heck is going on.  

My mind and heart have basically died and now sit in purgatory, waiting to find out the fate of what comes next.  Do I meet the requirements to make it in to heaven or will I burn in a fiery pit for all of eternity?

This is really hard for me, because I've spent the past few years eliminating all form of gray from my life and focusing on either black or white.  It either is or it isn't.  Clean cuts, solid lines.  And when those lines have started to blur, I have done whatever I've needed to do in order to restore order and keep those two colors FAR away from each other.

But, no matter what I do at this very moment in time, it's not going to separate the colors.  In a matter of a few days, the black has poured in to the white of my life and now all that's left is a messy, gray, substance that reminds me there's nothing I can do.  Will  I ever be able to separate the colors again?  Will I ever be able to go back to that clean cut black and white life I'm used to?  Do I want to?

What I do know is that my heart is hurting.  That's to be expected after a break-up, but that's not the cause of my pain. I am hurt and angry.  Mainly at myself.  Because I am in a very low place, desperate for a certain person to reach out a hand of comfort, yet all I can do is worry about everyone else.  When I'm hurting, that hurt isn't important.  It's something I have to push down and try and ignore.  I can't tell anyone how I truly feel, because there's only one person I have anything to say to... but it's also the one person I have to be the most quietest around.

Over the course of the past 36 hours, I've found myself saying "I'm here for you", "talk to me when you're ready", and "I'll give you all the space you need".  It doesn't matter that I want to scream from the rooftops how I feel, how I need that someone to be here for me, or that the space feels more like I'm falling off a cliff where I can see the bottom, yet I just can't seem to fall quick enough for it all to be over.  

Is it fair?  No.  Will I continue putting myself through the torture?  Yes.  

Why?  Because I made a promise that I would.  I made the promise that, no matter what, I'd be there.  Even if hate grew in my heart, the promise stood that I'd still be there.  Always.

Hate is a feeling that's starting to grow.  Not for the person I speak of.  That would never happen.  I truly believe that I could be emotionally beaten and destroyed, and I'd still be standing after it's all over keeping the promise that I made.  In fact, I know that because I'm doing it right now.  My emotions are taking the beating of their life, yet the encouragement still pours out of me.  I'm still here, I'm waiting, and I'll put up with being completely ignored, in complete silence, waiting for my next directions.  I am starting to feel hate for what I'm doing to myself.  I hate the fact that someone has so much power over me.  I hate that there's nothing I can do or say to figure out what the heck is going on.  I hate the silence.  

Always means something to me.  It's a promise I only use when referring to specific promises.  It's like my signature to a contract.  When I say "always", I mean it.  And I don't just say it to anyone.  I like to keep my promises, and using a word like "always" makes it a little far fetched.  How can I promise always to just anyone?  I can't.  But, when I do use that word, it means that I'm making a promise that I know that stands true, it has and will stand the test of time, and it can go through the trials and obstacles in order to prove its worth.  

When I say I will ALWAYS love you.... I mean that I have loved you from the moment I first met you, I have loved you when you weren't there, and nothing has ever replaced or covered that love.  And, I can honestly say that the love will never go away.

When I say that I will ALWAYS be here for you... I mean that I have always been here.  Waiting.  Hoping.  And will continue to sit on the sidelines, if need be, for the rest of my life.  Even if I have to wait a week, a month, a year, or the next twenty years for you to cross my path again, you can pick up the phone and call me and it will be like no time has passed at all.

Always is my bond of truth.  A word I very seldom use, and when I do use it, I don't think anyone truly knows the power that I place on to that word.

Last night, someone told me that they wished they could find someone to love them with a quarter of the love I have in my heart.  That made me smile, but it also wrenched at my heartstrings.  I've been told that true, solid, unconditional love is something that usually only ever exists between a parent and a child.  But, if you're able to meet a person where you have unconditional love in your heart for, it's special.  It's rare.  And, it's something you don't let go of.

I guess, sometimes, it's necessary for that unconditional love to sit in a dormant state.  To go through the trials to see if it's genuine.  To be tested.  And, I'm willing to accept that.  If I say I have unconditional love, I'm willing to stand through all the trials, the tests, the beatings, and the abuse.  Because that's the very definition of unconditional love - you can't destroy it.  

And that's what I am going to do.  I will prove what the word "always" means to me.  I will prove that no matter what, I'll always be here.  Even if it means destroying every emotion I have.

I'm not going anywhere.  You're not going to push me away.  

If you need to release me, you can.  You can release me from the hold.  If you need to.  But, I will always be here.  When you're ready.


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