It's the third day of January, 2015. Already three days in to the new year, and I could fill up an entire chapter of stuff that's happened over the past couple of days. It's been a wild ride, and that's exactly what I wanted from my new year.
Growing up, my parents instilled a tradition in to me that I've held on to. That tradition would be to start the new year as you mean to go on. In a nutshell, that means that whatever you're doing at the stroke of midnight on January 1st, or in the close proximity to, is some indication of how your new year is going to play out.
Over the years, I've seen some truth to that. I've had great years when I've celebrated the new year with friends and family, I've had pretty calm years the years I've been asleep before the ball dropped, and I've had pretty crappy years when I've been in tears or sad at that important moment. It's just a superstition, sure, but there's nothing wrong with starting out the new year with some optimism or hopeful indication of what the year has in store.
This year, I celebrated the new year in a way I haven't for several years. I was with my kids, minus Jelly because she was sick, and some very close friends. I drank a little too much, I laughed until my sides hurt, and I just let everything go in that moment. I let the control, the stress, the worry, and the bad habit of wanting to plan everything and anything and just let events play out.
It was a rush, that's for sure.
It was the first year in several I wasn't with my parents on new years. It was the first year in several years that I wasn't at home, watching the ball drop on the TV. It was the first year in MANY years that I was with the people I was with. And, it was also the first year in many, many years that I've felt so alive, so free, and so happy.
I woke up on new years day with a calmness. I can't really explain where it came from or what it meant, but a completely blank mind. Nothing creeping in about what I needed to get done, what plans I needed to make, or what I had in store for the day. I felt at ease, and it scared me, really. I haven't felt that way since...well, I can't even remember the last time I felt that way. I have no idea what has caused these feelings, but they are good feelings.
I was given some very good advice during my new year celebrating, and that advice was that I had to let go, I had to stop worrying about what's to come, and just roll with the punches. Those thoughts terrify me in a way I can't even describe. Rolling with the punches just isn't what I do, it's not how I live. I need structure, I need purpose, I need a plan. Always have. But, in that moment, I wondered what the harm would be in trying. Why couldn't I be that kind of person? Why couldn't I live more, plan later? Is it so bad to not want to control every aspect of my life and hold my breath and wait for whatever comes my way?
Sure, there's a chance I could end up holding my breath a little too long. There's a chance I could be smacked upside the head for letting go of the control, and realizing it's a huge mistake. I could regret everything I thought and be left in a heaping pile of uncertainty and pain.
But, if that were to happen, I just need to breath again. Take back the control. Put certainty back on the table.
For the past fifteen years, I've had one vision for my life: Succeed. Success has various definitions, and I wasn't really sure what my definition of the word meant, but I knew I had to accomplish it. I had to prove the doubters wrong, I had to pick myself up from the middle of despair and heartbreak, I had to overcome the biggest of obstacles.. but I had to do it. All of it. In order to become the person that I am today. And, for the most part, I've done exactly what I set out to do.
I have amazing children, I have my dream job, I have financial stability, I have a home.
I have success.
But, now, in this moment, I am uncertain of what the future has in store for me. What's next? What part of success do I still need to conquer? And the answer is very simple: I have no plan. I have no idea what's next. I have no idea what I still need to conquer. And that's the moral to this entire blog... what's next is a completely blank page full of excitement, surprise, and spontaneity.
I have reached that moment in my life where all the plans have fallen in to place, and now it's time to start seeing what comes with each and every day. My dreams, my desires, my passions are all a mystery... What is next to come?
I am scared.. heck, I'm terrified. These feelings inside of me haven't been here in so long. But, I'm willing to take the fear and use it to push me through. Tackle whatever comes my way, ride it out, and hopefully that rush of adrenaline will kick in.
But, with all of this I just have this to say: Bring It, 2015!! Give me what you got...whatever you've got. I'm ready to take it... head on.
A new me has emerged, and I think I'm going to like her.
Have a great Saturday, everyone!!