Saturday, September 06, 2014

September Rain

I woke up this morning at 4AM, took a shower, got dressed, grabbed a cup of coffee, and went out to my spot on the patio.  I was pleasantly surprised to feel cool air on my face as I stepped outside, and then realized it was raining.

I didn't know it was going to rain, but I'm glad it did.  We needed some cooler air around here.  But when it rains, I also go in to one of those deep, melancholy states of mind where I start thinking about stuff and letting thoughts take over my brain.

It's funny that a certain type of weather can have that affect.  I can be totally happy, chipper self, and then some rain starts falling and so do the thoughts.  Ramming inside my brain, crawling out of their hiding spots, and drilling away at me.  Usually it's stuff I'm trying to bury away, and sometimes it's stuff I haven't thought about in forever.  

This morning has been a good morning to let things swell up inside.  The music in the car for the drive home from taking Peanut to her debate thing, then sitting on the patio, now pounding away at my keyboard.  My music, the patio, and this blog are my refuges.  My safe havens.  The tools I use to think, process. and release whatever thoughts are playing in my brain.

Today they are not bad thoughts, or painful ones.  I'm happy.  Life is good.  I'm a bit stressed out, but not to the point where it's causing frustration or sadness.  I'm overwhelmed, but not to the point where I'm doubting myself or thinking I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I'm sure that the stress and the overwhelming feeling, despite how low-leveled that they are, are adding to my daydreamy, deep thinking mindset this morning.  It's really why this blog is so important to me, because without it I'm sure that the slight stressful, overwhelming feelings mixed with other random thoughts that pop in to my head would start to swirl out of control and eventually lead me to feeling down when I really have no reason to be.

Today, I'm just thinking about life in general.  It still blows my mind each time I have these thoughts about how far I've come.  Ten years ago, if someone had told me that I'd be a teacher on the road to getting her Master's Degree, I'd have probably laughed at them.  I would have told them that was a nice thought, but miles off from reality.  Ten years ago, I thought I was heading for a life filled with hardships, loneliness, and just making sure my kids' needs were met.  

Now look at me.  Mother, college graduate, teacher, home owner, and student once again.  

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I've heard several times how proud I have made certain people.  People I haven't seen or heard from in YEARS, yet are amazed and ecstatic for how my life turned out.  Proud that I overcome the battles I faced and made something with my life.  

And it still amazes me how much it means to me to hear that I made someone proud.

I have always craved that pride from my own parents, yet always fell short of getting it.  I'm sure my mother is proud of me, maybe.  I don't know.  That's still a hard situation.  I haven't had any contact with my mom since the whole ordeal that caused us to stop speaking.  I have no idea if she even knows I'm now in graduate school pursuing my master's.  I have no idea what she has to say about it, or if she even cares.  

P-Momma has always delivered on giving me the encouragement and pride that I've craved for so long.  She's never fell short or reminding me how far I've come, and how amazingly strong I am for taking on so much and still being able to keep a smile on my face.  And, I'll probably never be able to show her how much it means to me.  To be the mother I need, standing by my side through thick and thin, always a phone call away if I need a shoulder to cry on, a few words of truth, or just an "atta girl" for doing what I do.

Now, I have a few more people that have been fueling up my ego.  C's family has been delivering praise on me left, right, and center...and I won't lie and tell you that I haven't enjoyed that.  It's been really nice to hear so many compliments.  It's just hard when I realize that those same words of praise aren't delivered by the one person who should be giving them to me.  But, regardless, I definitely don't feel in short supply of love and support.  

One thing I've really thought about this morning are my own children.  Am I who I am because I don't have a good relationship with my own mother?  Are my kids that more important to me, and my number one priority, because I never EVER want them to feel in short supply of love and praise?  Maybe, maybe not.  I just hope that I'm showing them what a mother should be like.  That I'm giving them everything they need to make good decisions with their lives, and that they'll always be able to rely on me no matter what.  

I think I'm doing a pretty good job.  I have a daughter that is far beyond her years.  She has such amazing maturity, level-headiness, and a drive to succeed in life.  I have a son that has gone through Hell and back over the course of the past few years, but is now a strong, loving, amazing boy.  He has passion and drive to make people smile, has a kind heart, and has made me so proud already for how much he's overcome.  Then there's my youngest daughter.  So young, yet so smart.  So loving, so playful, so carefree.  She has a smile that lights up the whole room, and a hug that can melt all the bad in the world.  

I'd like to think that they are who they are because of the love and support I've shown them.  That they are happy, well-rounded, and loving because that's what I've instilled in to them.  

Life hasn't always been easy for them, yet you'd never think that now.  They cease the moments, grab life by the horns, and enjoy the rides.  

At the end of the day, no matter how hard life gets, I know that they will always know how much I love them, how proud I am of them, and that I will always be there for them.... thick or thin, big or small, always.  

And that's how it should be.

Love is something that has no boundaries.  No one can ever have too much love in their life.  I am a firm believer in that.  I still crave love, need love, and welcome love from anyone that gives it.  I am a sucker for some attention, let me tell you.  Sometimes, I forget about my own needs because I'm so focused on giving my love to my children.  But, then I remember the people who don't have to, but offer their love to me willingly.  P-Momma, Hubby, C's family, my work family, Sanity, Hope, all people in my life that lift me up, keep me focused, and reinforce my ability to believe in myself.  

So, before I go, I am reminded of one of my favorite songs, and can change the lyrics ever so slightly to keep me going...

When my fears subside
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We can still find a way
'Cause nothing lasts forever
Even cold September rain

I just want to take this chance to say a big THANK YOU to those of you who have supported me, cheered me on, and been there for me.  I think of you, this morning, and I'm reminded how much love I have in my life and what gives me the love in my heart to pass on to my own children.  I love you all.

Have a great Saturday, everyone!


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