Thursday, September 04, 2014

Teach, Walk, Breath

It's Thursday, already.  Can you believe that?  Short work weeks fly by so fast, but they are also exhausting for some reason.  Even though I'm shocked that it's Thursday, I also feel like it should be Friday... because the week has somehow seemed longer than it should.

This week has been kinda tough.  With lightning hitting the school building Monday night, causing our internet, bells, and intercom to go out, it's definitely made our job a little tougher.  It's amazing to realize how much we rely on technology to get things done.  

Despite the technology setbacks, it has been a good week.  My kids have been very well behaved, have worked hard, and have been focused on school.  That's something I'm not quite used to.  After a holiday weekend, the kids are usually exhausted and totally out of it or bouncing off the walls because it's a short week and the schedule is all out of whack.  Thankfully, it's been neither of those things in my classroom this week.

If anything, I've been the one walking around in zombie mode.  It took me a couple of days to find my bearings after the trip, but I really think I'm back to my old self and my tired level has gone back to normal.  I'm back to waking up and being excited about what the day has in store for me, rather than groaning when the alarm clock goes off because I want just another hour or so to sleep.

Peanut was even able to talk me in to going out for a walk with her last night.  I definitely needed it.  Even though I'm usually tired when I get home from work, and the last thing I want to do is exercise, I was in the mood for a walk.  It wasn't a very long walk, just to the end of the road and back, but it was enough to clear my mind a little.  I often forget how much I used to rely on walking and jogging to keep me sane several years ago.  Back when I was in the midst of college demands, my walking and jogging were my saviors.  They helped me stay level headed, and helped me shed several pounds in the process.  I think I'm going to try that again.  My head seems to be way too full, nowadays, and I just have to let off some steam in order to function.  I really wish I had a punching bag, instead though.  I can definitely see me coming home from work each night and having a few rounds with a giant punching bag.  Not because I want to hit things, but because there's nothing better for stress than swinging your arms and legs, and working up a great sweat in the process.  Walking is a great stress reducer, but it doesn't give me the release that I'm craving.  When I get some bad news or I'm frustrated about something, it would be great to put on some gloves and go toe to toe with a giant bag full of sand.  Maybe, just maybe, I'll ask Santa for some kind of punching bag for Christmas.  I know Peanut and Butter would both get some use out of one, too.  They also enjoy stuff like that. 

I didn't get to go to class last night because it was cancelled.  So, we got our assignments emailed to us instead.  This weekend, I'll be busy making sure all of my homework is complete.  I also have a group project due next Wednesday, so my partner and I are going to have to get together and get that done.  I definitely don't want to get behind so early in the game.  

This weekend isn't going to be very conducive to working, however.  Saturday morning I'm going to have to get up around 4AM so that I can drive Peanut to school.  She has a debate competition to attend, and I'm not going to get to go because I have to go and work at the UofA football game that afternoon for her show choir fundraiser.  So, I'll be up at 4AM and probably won't even get home until after midnight.  

I could take her to school, come home and then go back to sleep for a while.  But, my car is in dire need of an oil change and tune-up.  After putting 1300 miles on it this past weekend, I'm now a couple of thousand miles overdue and I don't like my car being overdue for service.  It messes with the warranty, and it's not good for the car.  I want a car that will last me a little longer than the 6 years I'll be paying for it.. so it's important to keep it well taken care of.  So, after I drop Peanut off, I'll be going to take care of that.  I just hope I haven't already put 3000 miles on it by the next Tennessee trip in seven weeks, but I'm sure it'll be due again shortly thereafter.

The past couple of mornings, I've woken up feeling like the weight of the world was resting on my shoulders.  I don't know why... well, I do.  The trip to Tennessee was causing it.  I was feeling the effects of some fifteen year residual funk that I just couldn't shake.  But, this morning, I woke up realizing I just have to let it all go.  No more dwelling on the past.  No more wondering about the what if's, the could haves, and the should haves.  Life has worked out the way it did because that's the way it was supposed to work out.  I had started to question that mantra, but now I have realized that it is very true and something I need to remember.  I am happy that Peanut has met her real father, I'm ecstatic that she now has his family in her life, and I'm excited about her building a relationship with them.

But, that's where it ends.  

I will no longer be thinking about C, our past life, and how different life would have been had we stayed together.  I will no longer be caring about how messed up his life is, and how I want to help fix it.  Like me, he has chosen his own path, and he gets to play the hand he was dealt... because he has chosen to do so.  I will no longer be referring to PE as PE because she's not his ex.  They are together, so I guess I should now move to PG (Psycho Girlfriend). 

While I spent my life wanting nothing more than to be better, he chose a different path.  I chose to live a life where I was in constant search of more happiness, and apparently misery is what makes him happy.  Misery likes company, right?  I can no longer feel any guilt or sadness for him.  Now, my only priority is making sure Peanut doesn't get hurt and making sure I continue to be there for her.  I know, with all my heart, that her grandparents will always be there for her.  I know that her uncle and aunts will always be there for her.  Her dad?  I hope the same to be true for him.  But, time will tell.  I will no longer be stressing about it.  I raised a smart, level headed girl that understands everything that's going on, and she will make her own opinions as time goes on.  

And this will be the last I speak of it.

OK, time to get ready for work.

Have a great Thursday, everyone!!


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