I saw this pic this morning, and it clicked. Immediately. For the past few days, I've been in a whirlwind of happiness and excitement...yet last night, everything just came crashing down around me, for no reason other than the fact that I think I'm emotionally drained.
I've heard drug users say that they use drugs because they are addicted to the high that they get, and are terrified of the crash they receive once the effects start to wear off. I guess I can relate to that. When good things happen, you don't want them to end. But, I truly think our bodies are only equipped to handle so much... before everything comes crashing down around you.
Nothing bad has happened, nothing has changed to make my super happy self feel unhappy, but the effects of the past few days have emotionally drained me. They've overwhelmed me with such a huge surge of adrenaline that it has completely and utterly exhausted me.
I also haven't been sleeping much. That doesn't help. My body is tired, and so my mind can't keep up with all of the new emotions I'm feeding in to it. It's no wonder that at 4AM this morning I broke down in to a flood of tears... completely catching me off guard and coming out of nowhere.
I was so confused...why on earth was I crying? I've been so happy the past few days, so many exciting things have been going on, and yet all I could do was cry. But, as the tears fell there were no bad emotions attached. I didn't feel angry or sad or hurt... I just felt a release. Like my body just needed to purge all of the emotions that have been building up inside.
I truly believe that even though in my mind I hold no ill feelings towards the people that removed me from their lives 15 years ago, my heart hasn't quite figured out how to handle how I truly feel. I've told myself over and over that what happened back then was done not out of malice, but out of protection. I've told myself that everything turned out just fine, and there's no reason why we can't just pick up where we left off or just start over.
Yet, deep down in my heart, there's still a piece of uncertainty that's holding on for dear life and not wanting to go.
The what-ifs start coming to the surface. What if I hadn't have been kicked out? What if we'd stayed in contact all these years? What if they aren't as happy as I am, and are just feeding their own guilt? What if...what if...what if?
I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason. I've said it a thousand times, in fact. The events of my life played out the way they did because that's they way they were supposed to play out. Everything has meshed together and made me the person that I am today. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. All a valuable part of my life story and what has made me who I am. I never want to take any of those things back... because for every bad event, there has been three times the good that has been bestowed on me.
And I truly believe that there is a reason these people have now come back in to my life. I haven't quite figured out what that reason is, but I know that eventually I'll find out. Even if it's nothing more than to have people that were once very important to me become very important to me again.
It's all been a roller-coaster ride of emotions, and my body needed to rest. To calm. To release.
And now it has.
I'm, once again, ready to tackle it all...to get back on the roller-coaster and see what thrills await. Maybe none... maybe a bunch. Who knows? Whatever happens though, I'm ready. I just need to remember that I have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Pace myself.
Today, I'm going to go and see Sanity. Just to get together and catch up on what's been going on in the past few weeks since we last saw each other. It'll be nice to get away from everything that's been going on...deflate a little.
And tonight, I'm going to go to bed early and catch up on some much needed sleep. That is something I really need to do... because I think if I wasn't so tired, I wouldn't be feeling so drained.
But, all in all... I'm still happy. I'm good. Fantastic, in fact.
Even better now I got to get this all off my chest.
Have a great Tuesday, everyone!!