And the answers? Yep. Nope. Not really. You betcha!!
Actually I started writing the post I published earlier this morning yesterday, so I just had to finish it up this morning. I decided that once that was finished, I needed to write more. The rain is pouring down right now, and it's the PERFECT weather to sit out on the covered patio and write. The temperature is cool, the rain is keeping my allergies at bay, and the sound of the rain helps me focus.
I've been receiving a lot of questions over the past couple of weeks about the "incident" with my mother. Questions about any updates, if it was the reason I quit blogging for a while, and stuff like that. The short answer to both of those issues is nothing has changed, and no it wasn't the reason I quit blogging for a while.
But you all know me well enough by now to know that giving short answers isn't how I roll, right?
I haven't spoken a single word to my mother since the incident. And I'm referring to the incident of Peanut's birthday, when she received a card without the normal $20 inside. My mother's reasoning behind it was that Peanut had distanced herself from her and she didn't see any reason in giving her a birthday gift when Peanut hardly spoke to her. Peanut's reason for not speaking to my mom very much was because she was angry with my mom. Before Christmas, Peanut had warned my mother that my youngest sister was TRYING to get pregnant, and broke my sister's trust in doing so. It made Peanut's life miserable, especially when nothing was done with the information. And wouldn't you know that my sister is now around 5 months pregnant.
Regardless of Peanut being mad at my mom or not, what my mother did was disgusting and it infuriated me. Rather than trying to reach out to me or Peanut to try and reconcile the situation, she chose to practically disown her. On her birthday. Nice, right?
After that, I chose to take myself out of my family's life. I removed my mother, my brother, and my two sisters from my Facebook account because I was tired of the constant drama they were plastering on my Facebook wall trying to make me out to be some kind of evil villian in the situation. Peanut also chose to do the same. Butter felt like he was not involved and so he kept them all friends. Which is good. I would never and have never told my kids that they can't have a relationship with a family member, regardless of my feelings toward them. Something that apparently wasn't instilled in to me during my own raising.
Since then, Butter has reported seeing constant posts on my mother's wall where she sends cute little messages to her TWO daughters (she gave birth to three girls). Butter has shown me where my mother posts cute little poems and pictures about how important daughters are, yet she makes a point to only refer to my two sisters when doing so. All very childish, and the only person seeing it all is Butter. He is making his own consclusions of the situation. Along with those posts are posts about how important her grandchildren are, and he makes the connection that she is only speaking of the grandchildren given to her by her other daughter and the one that's on it's way by my youngest sister. It's very sad when my son has to see things like that, and despite my desire to tell him to delete them from his page, I refuse to make that decision for him.
One thing I have noticed since removing myself from my family is the change in my family unit.
Pre-fight I constantly dealt with Butter being disrespectful and disobidient. He would raise his voice to me and downright refuse to do anything I asked him to do, if he didn't want to do it. Peanut would lock herself up in her room, and I actually considered getting her counseling because she always seemed so sad and depressed. And that was all due to the guilt and frustration she was carrying around over my sister getting pregnant.
Since the "fight", I don't remember the last time Butter raised his voice to me. He has helped out around the house, without being asked. And when I do ask him, he does it without any argument. He's loved being involved with his extra-curricular activities, his behavior in school improved, and he is a happy, respectful, obidient child. Even on the rare occasions that he's got angry or lost his temper, he's apologized very quickly after calming himself down.
Peanut is happy. So happy. All of her accomplishments with giving the commencement speech at her graduation, singing the graduation song, and graduating in the top 10% of her class has put her on cloud nine. She's excited about going off to high school, enjoying being involved in activities, and doesn't lock herself away from the world anymore. She laughs CONSTANTLY. In fact, I haven't seen a tear fall from her eye in sadness since all the drama occurred.
Coincidence? Maybe. I don't think so, though.
The only part that really hurts me is the hurt I see in the eyes of my co-worker when she hears that there has been no change in the siuation. My co-worker lost her mother a couple of months ago, and is breaks her heart to hear that I don't have a relationship with my mother. While I completely understand her pleas for me to reconcile, because time is short and I may never know when I will no longer be able to speak to my mom, the situation is extremely different between her and I.
Her mother adored her. She adored her mother. They spent all of their spare time together. She and her siblings and their children were the most important people in her mother's lives.
It used to be that way with my mother and I. But is hasn't been in a very long time, and I just don't think it ever will be.
My mother, still to this day, believes that I blame her fostering as the cause for all these issues. That's not it. Not all of it. Do I think that after she became a foster parent that myself and my kids were put on the back burner? Yes. But, that's not the entire reason I feel the way I do. I may be selfish. But, I don't think I should have to compete for time with my mom or that my kids should have to compete for a grandmother. And I'm not just talking about competing with foster children. There's so much more to it than that.
The part that really breaks my heart is the fact that I haven't seen or spoken to my dad since all of this started. I have no idea how he feels. I know that he absolutely ADORES my children...always has, always will. He never treated them any differently. Never made them feel less important. And I know that Butter is feeling that blow more than any of us. His granddad was always #1 in his life. Butter worships the ground that man walks on..and rightfully so. He was the one person that NEVER gave up on Butter during the worst of times... and it shames me to say that I'm included with that statement. I don't know how many times I really thought there would never be any light at the end of the tunnel when it came to Butter, but my dad never gave up and stood by him every step of the way.
I have no idea what the future holds when it comes to any form of relationship with my family. I do know that there was once a time where I couldn't go a couple of days without hearing my mom's voice, where the thought of summer meant spending time at my parents' house for barbeques and swimming, and then returning the favor when we moved in to this house last year. But, that time is over.
What I did know is that life is very good for my family...the people living in my house. We are happy and healthy. We love spending time with each other, and look forward to the memories yet to be made. I'm looking forward to a summer full of cook-outs, swimming, theme parks, lake trips, camping, canoeing, and relaxing in the comfort of our home.
Which means plenty to write about!
And that's it for me today. I've got plenty of stuff to keep me busy while the kids are at summer school. So, I better get to doing it.
Have a great Monday!!