It's truly amazing, to me, how 24 hours can cause such drastic changes to a person's mood and how things can go from good to ugly in the blink of an eye.
Just 24 hours ago, I was Miss Happy-Go-Lucky. I was excited about starting a new unit of study in my classroom, I was excited about hearing my students' reactions when they heard about the stuff they were going to be learning, and I was excited and happy that I had managed to put together everything I needed to accomplish in order to make it all happen.
A couple of hours later, I was reeling in that excitement while explaining the new adventures to the students. They were, indeed, quite excited about the changes that were being made. They were hopeful and optimistic about the Black History month unit and couldn't wait to get started.
Then, a few hours later, I was pumped with even more excitement. My principal sat me down and explained a project she was wanting to try out. A project that would include some really extremely neat and fun technology that the kids would go GA-GA over. And, when I gave them the news about the new endeavor we were going to try and make happen, they were absolutely ecstatic about the idea.
Which, in turn, made me even more happy and excited.
I came home with some pep in my step. Despite a headache that had been lurking around for the last half of the day, my happiness was keeping it from causing me too much discomfort. My evening plans included eating some dinner, and then lazing on the couch with my crocheting, and resting away the headache before it had a chance to grow.
Then, I'm receiving a phone call that freezes all the excitement and happiness and replaces it with shock, frustration, and sadness. In the sudden blink of an eye. All that happiness... poof... gone. Not gone forever, but temporarily replaced because a more pressing matter has taken priority... has ripped me from the comfort of the good feelings...and instead replaced them with bad feelings.
I am not able to share the topic of that phone call, the situation from which it arose, or the situation as it will play out. And, for anyone that knows me will know that NOT being able to talk about something that's bothering me is very difficult for me to handle. It's how I "deal". It's how I process. I'm a sharer. I share the good, the bad, and the ugly. Even if any of the above doesn't exactly cast a good light in my direction.
But, this time, the phone call wasn't about me... it was about people close to me. And those situations, I can't talk about. Because it's not fair to the people involved. They don't want their information shared for the world to see. They don't want complete strangers knowing their business, regardless of how much it affects me or involves me. And, as hard as that is for me to accept, it's something I just have to do. I respect privacy, especially when it involves people that I care about the most.
Sleep was a quick visitor last night. It came and left in small doses. My mind wouldn't shut down, relax, or let go. It just kept reeling with thoughts, fears, scenarios. The what ifs, the mights, the coulds, and the maybes. All feelings that I loathe. I have a bad tendency of being a person that feeds the monster called Worst Case Scenario. He often visits me during bad situations, making them appear worse than they are or slapping me with how bad things could be.
It's just impossible for me to be a "wait and see" kind of person. No matter how much I try, Worst Case is lurking in the back of my mind...refusing to let Wait and See grab a hold of my brain to give me some short lived comfort from my stress. It's like a storm cloud that just pushes in, and starts blocking the sight of the sunshine on the horizon. I'm just surrounded by darkness, and cold, and the rumbling and pounding of my heart.
The last few times I felt this way, I first received a phone call telling me that my mom had been told she possibly had cancer. And even though it was only a possibility during that initial phone call, the Worst Case monster was right there, whispering in my ear all night long. No sleep came. Just fear.
Then, when it was confirmed that my mother did indeed have lung cancer, Worst Case was right there once again. Trying with all his might to take away any comfort that the doctor's words had given me. Despite being told that it was curable, and had been caught early enough... it didn't stop Worst Case from having his two cents on the situation.
The night before my mom's surgery, Worst Case kept me company all night long. Haunting me with those what ifs, mights, coulds, and maybes every time I tried to close my eyes.
And, now that the worst has past and my mom is on the fast track to full recovery, Worst Case has had nothing to do. Sat idly by as happiness and excitement and normalcy started to wash back over me. But he remained. Lurking in the shadows. Waiting for the next opportunity to come for him to make another appearance.
That opportunity came last night in the form of a phone call. Another freaking phone call.
Maybe it's time to get rid of my phone... it seems to have some power and connection to Worst Case.
The part I hate the most is that I have to go about my day, today, putting on a happy face. Not letting anyone in to what's truly happening inside of me. Staying calm, collected, and focused on my job and my students. Not letting anything interfere with the excitement and buzz that I created yesterday. Moving forward with my plans, and setting my kids out on their journey to self learning.
All while waiting for another phone call that will deliver more news. Another freaking phone call.
The part I hate the most.
I know that there will be people I know that read today's blog and be concerned. They will try to offer some comfort, offer prayers and thoughts, offer an ear for me to talk to. And before they even come, I say I will take all the prayers and thoughts and comforts that anyone has to offer... but unfortunately, as much as I'd like to, I have to pass on the offering of ears to listen.
Until I'm more informed of the situation at hand, until I know if I'm even able to talk about it to anyone, until I know that all parties involved are protected and cared for.
There are so many questions that are unanswered. So much information yet to be shared. I'm just standing on the sidelines waiting for further instructions... and until those instructions come, I'm on my own with this. I have to deal with, take care of, and face this alone.
And I will.
Worst Case may be haunting me and taunting me and casting about his horrors and fear... but, deep down, I hear the soft cries of comfort. I know that no matter how bad the situation may turn out, there's light at the end of the tunnel, that everything will work out as it works out. That even though I have no control of the situation and this point in time, that I will give it everything I have to protect those involved, be there for those involved, stand by those involved, and fight tooth and nail to make it all OK.
And I'm able to hear those soft cries of comfort because I know that there are people out there that will be thinking of me today. They will be sending their prayers and thoughts. They will be carrying me in their hearts...sending the positive vibes I need to make it through.
In the depths of despair, it's faith that leads us through. Faith carries us out of the darkness and in to the light. And faith comes in many shapes and forms. It comes with guidance, with understanding, with answers.... eventually.
But, I'm making it a point today to wear my happy face and try with all my might to allow it to wash over me. It may start out as a fake front, but my happy face has amazing power. Once I get in to my classroom, surrounded by my kiddos and the people I love like family, things will start to feel better. I will be able to temporarily take my mind off the situation, and focus on the good that pours out of my classroom. The sunshine that washes away the storm clouds.
Everything will be OK.... it has to be.