Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave

OK, so right off the bat let me get something out in to the air:

I am a coward.

There.  I said it.  I am.  I talk to my blog about my problems instead of confronting an issue head on.  Or, in words of others "air my dirty laundry" on the web.  Tomatoes/Tomahtoes.  Still, after saying everything that I did yesterday, I was presented with the same question by a couple of people..

Why do you talk to your blog instead of talking to the person directly?

The question was asked to me rhetorically by the select few people that actually know what's going on in my life.. because they know good and well why I don't confront the issue head on.  Because, really, I use my blog as a way of communicating. It's my way OF confronting the issue.  I hate confrontation.  I hate fighting.  And, in person, I just never know the right words to say.  I know that my mom or other family members may read my blog, and then it's out there, they know how I feel, and dialogue can start from there.

Or, at least, that's what I thought might happen.  Dialogue did start.  And dialogue ended with me having to take my brother and sister off of my Facebook page and threaten my mom that if my brother didn't stop calling me or texting me, I'd have to call the police.

Yeah.  That's the kind of dialogue that took place.

And you know what?  I know it's my fault.  I know that when I choose to express my personal feelings on my blog, I'm could to end up hurting some feelings, upsetting a few people, and ruffling some feathers.  Yet, I've read yesterday's blog over and over and over and just don't see where I came off as being the nasty, lying, and hateful bully I was accused of being.

After everything I said yesterday, I received a text from my mother... and you want to know what it said?

"How do you know that I am healthy and have overcome this because funny thing is I won't even know for about 3 months."

I was speechless. And, yeah, I was angry.  I had put my feelings out there with the INTENT of hoping my mom would hear my plea of needing her, yet that's what she got from the whole thing.

And then the accusations started flying about me lying to the world, and how she couldn't believe I could be so nasty and hateful.  Urm...what?

I didn't write yesterday's blog with a single ounce of anger.  I didn't call anyone any names.  I didn't sit and spew off anything about me hating my mother or say she was a horrible person or made her out to be a nasty, hateful person.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I stated SEVERAL times how much I LOVED my mother.  

AND, I was actually asked by a couple of people how often I call my mom to just see how her day was, ask her how she's doing.  

Truthfully?  I don't anymore.  I used to.  In fact, it was quite common for us to talk EVERY SINGLE DAY.  

That stopped a long time ago, WAY before she was diagnosed with cancer.  And the reason it stopped was because every phone call consisted of how she was doing and how her days were going.  I got tired of listening to all of the problems she was having, I got tired of hearing about how her days were so full of running here, there, and everywhere.  Well, let's rephrase that.  I got tired of the conversation ONLY being focused on those topics.  When she did find out about her cancer, I went back to calling her every day to see how she was doing.  I was there for her at her doctor's appointments, I went and visited her every day in the hospital when she had surgery, and called her every day after she got out of the hospital for a couple of weeks.

And, then I stopped, again.

Hindsight is 20/20, I suppose.  Maybe I shouldn't have cut off the phone calls again.  Maybe I should have called her more on her chemo days or the days following.

I'll admit that I was a bad daughter for not doing those things.  I'll take full responsibility.  Regardless of how I felt, I should have put those feelings aside and at least checked in on her more.  I'm not completely innocent in all of this.  She is my mom, and I couldn't imagine going through something like that.  I should have been checking on her more and ignoring my selfish feelings during that time.

Yet, at the heart of it all, I did what I did because the truth is, there's always SOMETHING.  OK, cancer is the worst and definitely NOT something to take lightly.  But, before the cancer there were other continuous problems I'd hear about, other things she was dealing with.  

I'd like for someone to ask me when the last time my mom called to ask ME how my day was or how I'm doing...and then actually LISTEN to what I had to say.  Because, honestly, I couldn't answer that question.

And here I am again, sitting here spewing off my "dirty laundry".  But, instead of sadness fueling my post, there's now feelings of anger.  I am angry.

I am angry that my little brother and sister decided to go off on a tirade on my Facebook post and try and make me out to be some kind of nasty bully.  I'm angry that my brother felt the need to call me over and over again, leaving nasty voicemail messages on my phone.  I am angry that my brother felt the need to call Butter over 100 TIMES last night, and then he turn around and accuse me of turning my son against him and that I was just jealous because Butter loved him more than me.

Urm..Butter didn't answer the phone because he didn't want to get involved.  He's 13 years old for crying out loud.  He doesn't want to get in a situation where he feels like he has to play sides, or listen to nasty stuff be said about his mother.  And he came to me ASKING for me to do something about the continuous phone calls.  He was trying to have a conversation with a friend, yet couldn't get a word out because the phone was constantly beeping from it ringing over, and over, and over, and over.

I commend him for being the mature one in all of this.  Wanting to stay out of it.  By HIS OWN CHOICE.  I would NEVER and have NEVER told my kids to not speak to their grandparents or their aunt and uncle.  It doesn't matter how much fighting or upset is going on, my kids would never be brought in to a family fight.  

Which, I think, boiled my britches last night.  Why on earth I was receiving those messages from my brother and sister is beyond me.  It doesn't concern them.  I should not feel attacked by two teenagers who think they know everything.   

Yet, I'm the one being accused of involving my children.


And, I know what they're going to say.  They are defending their mom.  Standing up for her. Because I'm such a bully and I'm treating her so badly.  Fair enough.  I get that.  But, don't then turn around in the next breath and accuse me of being a horrible mother because my son chooses to stay out of the drama and doesn't want to listen to his mother be slammed and hated on, or be put in a situation where he needs to defend me or agree with them.  And absolutely DO NOT attack my teaching career or the type of teacher that I am.  That's taking it too far.  Yes, between the hours of 8AM and 3:30PM, I have 25 children.  But, NEVER have I EVER put the 22 non-biological children before my own.  I can take personal attacks about me, but don't speak on something you know nothing about.  You have no idea what kind of teacher I am.  

But, after all of this, I go back to saying what I originally said:  I'm a coward.  Talking to this blog is sooooo much easier for me.  I can say what I want to say, the way I want to say it, and be done.  

Not a single person who read yesterday's blog (not related to me) and gave me feedback made the slightest inclining that my mom was a bad person or a bad mother.  Not a single person thought that AT ALL.  They all understood that I was feeling a little lonely.  That I missed my mom.  That I wanted to have real conversations where there was equality on both sides.. Here's how my day was and let me hear about yours.  

And that was the intent.  

Unfortunately, the wrong people understood that.

But, it is what it is.  I have to accept that.  I have fractured the relationship far worse than it was before, and I can take that responsibility.  

Am I going to apologize?  No.  I will never apologize for feeling a certain way.  Just because someone disagrees with the way I'm feeling doesn't make my feelings invalid.  They are there.  They are justified. And I stand by them.

What I can say is that this will be the last blog about this mess.  I'm letting it go... moving on.  I'm done.  Starting tomorrow, I'll be going back to blogging about things that make me HAPPY.  And there are far more subjects on that topic.

And, I'm sure everyone will prefer reading about them, anyway.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone!!


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