Hope you've got a nice, hot cup of coffee ready this morning... because it's one of those days where I"m going to let it fly. Whatever comes out of my fingers, comes out. Because this post is 110% charged by pure, raw emotion. I don't care who reads it. I don't care what anyone has to say about it. If they don't like it, well...there are MILLIONS of other blogs out there to keep you entertained.
I've shared some pretty personal stuff on this blog. Issues I've had with my mom. Issues that stemmed from having issues with my mom. But, in ALL of those blog posts not ONCE have I aired out any dirty laundry, said anything nasty or personally attacked any of my family members. I've done my best to keep it PC. I have written with many emotions, but rarely are they anger. I have written about my mother with love, sadness, hurt, and fear.
Never Anger. Never Hate.
Yet today? Today comes the anger. And it's not just driven towards my mother.
Back on March 25th, I wrote this blog post: Woman Within
That post made my mother FURIOUS!! While I thought I was laying out my feelings and trying my hardest to not make her sound like some heartless monster, she was angry because I posted that she was better from her cancer.
OH yes. Did you read that right? With everything I said, it was this sentence that infuriated her:
I am happy that she is finally healthy and overcome a horrible disease.
She was angry that I shared with the world that she has overcome the disease, when she won't get the all clear for another couple of months.
After my mother expressed her anger, then my little brother and sister got on their rampage and started bombarding me with text messages about how selfish, ungrateful, and mean I was to treat my poor mother that way.
And all of it stemmed from the fact that my mother and my siblings think I'm mad that my parents are foster parents.
Let's get one thing straight... no lots of things straight right off the bat.
I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FLIP ABOUT MY PARENTS BEING FOSTER PARENTS!!!
I am NOT a heartless, selfish, vindictive person who just wants her "Momma" all to herself and wants her to get rid of the extra children living in her home. IF those kids really were in a better home, I would be happy for them.
HELLO!!! I'm a teacher. I am also in the business of helping kids. I have not NOW or EVER hated the fact that my parents were foster parents.
The part that has driven me to this point is the fact that once they became foster parents, they FORGOT about the kids they brought in to this world. And I'm not just talking about me. I'm talking about ALL of us. My mother became OBSESSED with being a foster parent, and it consumed her every waking moment.
But, it's not even JUST that. There are so many reasons I'm angry, frustrated, and just ready for the whole freakin' world to hear about it.
Let's make a list, shall we?
#1. Let's talk about how many times I've been called in the middle of the night by my brother, begging me to go and pick him up because he "can't take another second of living in that house". He's mad at my parents for some reason or another, and he's sick of being there and just wants out.
#2. Let's talk about how many times I've had to drive to my parents house in the middle of the night to break up a fight or talk to some sense in to the ADULTS living in the house so that there can be peace, once again.
#3. Let's talk about how many foster kids have been sent away because they were "too much to handle".
#4. Let's talk about the fact that Peanut found out that my sister was TRYING to get pregnant, and destroyed the relationship she had with my sister when Peanut told me and then my mother about it.
#5. Let's talk about how my mother took care of that problem. My sister is expecting her first child this summer. That's how it got taken care of. Even though Peanut was made out to be a liar trying to do nothing more than break up a happy home.
#6. Let's talk about how devastated and upset Peanut was about my sister getting pregnant, and how angry she was at my mother for letting her. Peanut was put through the absolute ringer during that whole mess, and my mother VOWED to make it right with Peanut. Did she? NO.
#7. Let's talk about how Peanut spent a lot of time with my mom while she was in hospital, keeping my mom company. How Peanut asked about my mom every day, despite how hurt Peanut was feeling over having to see my sister and the uncomfortable, awful feelings a 13 year old girl had to endure just so she could spend time with her grandmother.
#8 Let's talk about how often my mom contacted Peanut, after all of that, to check on her, ask her how she was doing. The answer? ONCE. And it was a month later. And it was when Peanut told her that she was upset because my mom hadn't contacted her. Do you know how my mom handled that? She didn't. She just stopped talking to Peanut. My mom was angry because Peanut hadn't bothered to check on my mom while she was going through chemotherapy.
And....the winner of the reason for this post and the absolute ANGER that is fueling it?
Yesterday was Peanut's birthday. Peanut received an empty card from my mother. The usual $20 that comes inside was missing. You want to know why?
Actual response from my mother: "For my birthday, she couldn't even wish me happy birthday. I wasn't involving any kids, but she involved herself"
She's mad and upset that Peanut didn't wish her a happy birthday, and because Peanut (having more guts than me) told my mom she was hurt and upset. My mom took it personal, got all huffy about it, didn't bother to follow up anymore on that message sent to her on Facebook, and then decided to hold it against Peanut on her birthday.
So, no, I'm not mad that my mother is a foster parent. I'm mad that my mother is a self-centered, heartless, word that I won't put.
She cares about NOBODY but herself. She uses my little brother and sister to fight her battles. She takes out her frustrations on a 14 year old child.
Thankfully, she's not fooling anyone that knows the truth.
She wants everyone to think that she's doing a selfless act of love and kindness of being a foster parent. Really? HA!!
The minute one of those kids step out of turn, they are GONE!! She won't tolerate any form of misbehavior. She can't "deal" with issues that involve mental instability. She's a great foster parent to any kid that doesn't come with any form of "baggage".
Her own children are and have always been SCREAMING for attention and have issues of their own...
I was 17 years old when I left my parent's house for good. I was pregnant.
My sister got pregnant at 18, and then again a year later. Both of those kids are now in the permanent custody of my mother, because my sister couldn't take care of them.
My youngest sister is 18 and now also pregnant. No job. No car. No money.
The brother closest in age to me lives in Virginia. He comes home once maybe twice a year.
My other brother, who knows where he is. He went off the grid a while ago. Hasn't been in contact with anyone for years.
My youngest brother is home-schooled, yet doesn't "school". He stays home and takes care of my mom. His whole life is centered around my mother.
Yeah. Perfect family right there. Sounds like any kids entering in to that home are surely to be JUST FINE.
I am very angry. I am very ashamed. I am very hurt.
My entire family have rallied together and sent me some NASTY messages, calling me all kinds of names coming to the aid of my "poor mother" who I have been "bullying".
Glass houses, people... GLASS HOUSES!!!
Take your rocks and stones and throw them back at yourself. Not now, or ever have I claimed to be a perfect mother. I have said MANY times that I make mistakes.
Before you smash me about how mean and hateful I am, how about taking a look of some of the issues going on in that house. I will NOT be intimidated or threatened to keep quiet. I have the absolute right to say whatever I want to say. I have spent years pretending and sharing that life was all perfect and that my mother was perfect, just so I didn't upset anyone.
That time is OVER.
I am done.
When my own children are the ones that have to endure pain from a family squabble, then there is no more squabble. The squabble is over.
And so is our relationship.