Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Enduring Uncertainty


Uncertainty is one of those words that has so many meanings.  I mean, sure, uncertain means "not sure", but I'm speaking figuratively not literally.

Uncertainty is a word that can explain excitement or terror, happiness or sadness, good or bad.  

I can be uncertain about so many things, and for each one, the "uncertainty" can trigger a different emotion.  A different response.  

Being the control freak that I am, I don't really like uncertainty.  I guess it's OK if I'm "uncertain" about what I'm going to have for dinner, or I'm "uncertain" about what the weather is going to be like.  But, I mean uncertainty that pertains to my life.  What's happening next.

I'm currently dealing with a couple of situations of uncertainty in my life.  None of it being "bad", yet it doesn't stop me from worrying or it driving me nuts with anticipation about finding out what the outcome is going to be.  I hate waiting.  I'm impatient.  I want results.  Answers.  Decisions.  Telling me something like "You'll find out soon" is like shoving a feather under my nose.  Constantly.

It's an annoyance, more than anything.  It itches away at me, causing me to get to the point of discomfort almost.  I JUST WANT TO KNOW NOW!!!

Uncertainty brings about secrets and keeping things quiet.  Which is the reason for my obscure blog post today.  I can't just blurt out what I'm uncertain about, because I have to remain quiet until I know for sure.  I hate secrets just as much as I hate uncertainty, but I guess the two go hand-in-hand.

When there are secrets at play, rumors and gossip start to surface.  They stem from guessing or making assumptions.  That's another word I don't like.. "assumptions".  I don't like it when assumptions are made for or about me if I don't yet know for definite.  

But then, assumptions are put out there to help calm the uncertainty.  I can assume what's going to happen, based on pieces of information I've been given... yet there's always a strong possibility that the assumption is wrong, and then I've worked myself up for nothing.  

Today was supposed to be the end of one of the uncertainties that I'm currently dealing with.  It was supposed to bring about the answer, the relief from anticipation.  Yet, yesterday afternoon, I received a phone call telling me that the uncertainty must continue for another month.  UGH!  A whole month of continued not-knowing.  There's more information that needs to be gathered, more decisions need to made, and a definite answer can't be given like it was supposed to be.  

That in itself leads to more uncertainty.  What additional information is needed?  What other decisions are being decided?  

Throw in that with a side of uncertainty that's currently happening at work, and that makes for one very stressed out me.  Patience is NOT one of my virtues, and I don't like all of the deciding and scenarios that play out in my mind.  

Of course, rushing a decision isn't the best idea either.  A conundrum.  I can't have my cake and eat it to.  Do I want the people deciding my fate to rush in to a decision just to appease my curiosity, or do I want them to take their time and evaluate the best possible way to move forward?

It's the latter....but it doesn't make my life any easier.

I guess I should focus on the fact that all of the uncertainty isn't about anything bad.  It's about future possibilities and changes.  Nobody's life is hanging in the balance.  None of the outcomes will be anything I can't handle or don't want to handle.  All paths lead to a certain outcome that are positive and good.  Just each option is different..that's all.  That's what I need to focus on.  The fact that no matter what happens, everyone is going to be OK, I will be happy, and life will go on.  It will either go down one path or the other, and both paths lead to opportunity.

There are far worse scenarios that could be playing out in my life, right now.  And, if the uncertainty that I'm currently dealing with is all I have to worry about, then it's another blow that life is good.  Everything is OK.  Everything will be OK.

Sure, there's an outcome I'd rather have, but even if that doesn't happen, it won't mean anything bad for me or the people involved.  Life will still go on in positive strides.

Don't you just love cryptic posts like this?  I've read it a couple of times now, and considered deleting the whole thing.  It's like one of those Facebook status updates that people loathe...

"Making a very important decision today"

"Just got a very exciting piece of information today"

"Just found out something that's going to be a big game-changer to my life"

And you read them screaming "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???"  Curiosity starts to take over, and you wish they'd just keep that information to themselves so that you're not sitting there wondering about what they're talking about.

I'm sure that some people will read this blog and wonder the same thing.  And, I'm sorry that I can't share.  Yet.  But, you can bet your bottom dollar that the minute I find out, I'll let everyone in on it.  When I get that final decision and the permission to scream it from the rooftops.. I will.

But, until then, it has to remain cryptic and quiet.  I have to inch my way around the outside, without opening any doors to what's waiting on the inside.  But that's only because I haven't found the door to let ME in.  As soon as I do, you will be the first to know.  

Right now, though, I need to get ready for work.  Another day of wondering if today will be the day.  I'd like to think so.. but I've been saying that for DAYS now.  It's better to just let it go, and wait for everything to work out the way it's supposed to.

Have a great Wednesday!!


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