This was not the topic I had planned to write about today. This weekend, I pre made a few pictures for upcoming Thankful posts, and decided which day I'd write about what. A post like this one was going to be saved for the very last day of the month, to wrap up everything I've been thankful for.
But, it's amazing how in a couple of minutes, my whole perspective on everything can change. When some of the things I think I'm thankful for are no longer that important. They no longer rank "up there" as being something I want nor care to discuss today.
Today, I just want to be very thankful that I have so much to be thankful for. Not possessions. Not money. Not food nor shelter.
I just want to be thankful for all of the love in my life. For the people I love. For the people that love me. For those that mean everything to me. And, that no matter how much I write about them or say about them...will never truly understand how important they are to me.
I'm not going to go into specifics as to why this sudden burst of emotion.
But there is a reason. A BIG reason. A reason that had me crying in Hubby's arms last night. Had me crying in my bed until I eventually cried myself to sleep.
A reason that made me realize how much I take for granted. How much I fuss and complain about stuff that isn't important, and all that really matters is that I show and tell the people I love how much I really love them....however I possibly can.
Last night, as I laid down in my bed, I felt so lonely. All I wanted to do was go to each of my children and force them to sleep in my bed with me... so that they would be right next to me....so that I could hug them and hear their breaths and watch them as they slept.
I didn't. But, the urge was there.
When that urge passed, I wished that I was able to curl up next to my mom. To hug her. For her to hold me. For her to tell me that everything is going to be OK. That she will always be there for me. That no matter what I say, no matter what minor frustrations I have with her, she will ALWAYS know how much I love her and how important she is to me, and how I just can't ever lose that. Ever.
In those emotional moments, I realize how selfish I can be. I realize how I can make mountains out of mole hills. I realize that I get frustrated about stupid stuff, and I miss opportunities to just step back and be thankful that I have so much love in my life.
That I've always had that love in my life.
I sat down the other day with my team at work, and we discussed our families. We talked about memories we had with our parents and our children. And, I told them how I NEVER want to regret a moment in my life. How important it was to me that my children grow up and are happy and know how much I loved them and that I never want them to think that when they reach a certain age they will be any less important or less loved just because they were grown with families of their own.
I explained how I want for them to grow up and reminisce with their own families about their childhood and not remember it based on the possessions they owned, or the brands of clothing they wore, or the latest and greatest electronics that were bought for them at Christmas time. I want them to tell their own children that our house was a house of love. That we spent time together. That I was there for them. Tell and share with their kids the traditions upheld in our house. The memories of Thanksgiving dinners, decorating the Christmas tree, stories about Christmas morning. How we spent summers in the pool laughing and playing together as a family. How friends were always welcome and accepted as a part of the family. How I attended all of their games, their concerts, their award ceremonies. That I was there for them when they were sad, or mad, or frustrated, and that they could tell me everything and know that I would do everything in my power to help. How their mom did what she could to make sure that they all had a great life, and that they want to replicate that with their own children.
I want all of those things for my children, because I was blessed with a happy childhood....one that created and molded me in to the mother that I am today.
Sure, I could sit here and complain about some of the stuff I didn't like or agree with while growing up. But, when I think back to my childhood, the not so great times aren't the things I ever think about. And, if I do, I am able to understand why those things were done the way they were... that there were reasons behind my parents actions. Valid reasons that were them instilling in to me the character and morals that I have today.
It's not really a secret that I have felt a divide between my mother and I in the past year or so. That we haven't been as close as we always have. That there are times I feel less important to her, now that she is a foster mother and has taken in SEVERAL foster children. That the time we used to talk on the phone just because, or the times I would drive over there to visit just because are much less frequent.
What I didn't really think about, while I was spitting out my frustrations about not having my mom there for me when I wanted her to be, was how much I am just as responsible for it. Being that I'm now teaching, I'm busy all of the time. Not just work, but school events and games and practices take up a huge chunk of my time. The evening phone conversations went to the wayside because I was the one too busy to make them. The weekend visits started to become less frequent because I had so much work to do and catch up on.
I may have felt that my mom was starting to drift away from me... but the truth is, I was drifting away from her just as much.
I was angry with my mom for creating a new family. I felt like I was being replaced. That my children were getting the short end of the stick. That the children she has taken in to her home have drove a wedge between my mother and I.
But, what I think I'm really mad about is the fact that when I need her...all to myself...she's not available. WHEN I NEED HER. When I have a weekend that I'm not crammed with work. When I have the occasional evening when I'm not getting home at crazy hours due to after school activities. When I am calling the shots about when it's convenient for me.
How selfish is that?
Rather than pouting around about all of those things, I should be remembering what my mom is doing. How she's impacting the lives of kids less fortunate. How she just wants to continue raising children the way she raised me. How, when it really comes down to it, I'm just like her.... we just want to help kids, love them, and give them a good life.
I am grown, but I know that when I need my mom...she's there for me. When Butter broke his arm, she didn't hesitate to drive to the hospital at 10PM just to be with me, to support me, to comfort me, and to show Butter that she loves and cares for him. When Butter has his follow up appointments for his broken arm, she doesn't hesitate to offer to take him so that I don't have to miss work. When I need her to talk to, she's always at the other end of the phone. Regardless of how many kids are in her house, or how busy she is with them, or what other stuff she's got going on...she knows when it's really important and when she has to drop everything for me. And she does. Without hesitation.
And when I think about all these things, I just have to remember how truly thankful I am.
I have amazing children. I love them with all my heart. I would do anything for them.
And, I truly believe that it's because my mom loves me with all of her heart and would do anything for me.
Today, I am going to let my thankfulness be my guide.
I'm going to make a point to keep the important people in my life close to my heart, today. I am going to think about them, often. I'm going to remind myself how blessed I am that I have them, that I love them...and more importantly, that they love me back.
Everyday on this earth is a blessing. I have been blessed every day that I've been a mother. I have been blessed every day that I've been a child to an amazing mother and father. I have been blessed every day that I've had a man in my life that loves me and our children.
Because the biggest blessing anyone can have is love.
And... just in case my mom decides to read this today....
Mom... I love you. More than words can say. I will be thinking about you all day. I'm sorry for anything that I've said that may have hurt you or upset you. I want you to know that the reason I've felt the way I have recently is because of how much I love you and how important you are to me. Every minute I get to spend with you means the world to me, even though I sometimes don't show it. I am so thankful for everything you have done or will do for me. And, know that I am always here for you... you are my world, the reason I am who I am today.
I don't tell you these things as often as I should. And I promise to try and work on that. We are going to get through this. We have to. Because you are my rock. My spirit. My everything.
And each and every day I am blessed and thankful and elated that you are my mother.