How does one gauge not having much of a life?
Is it done by sleeping half the day? Spending weekends home on the couch? Not just agreeing to, but volunteering to chauffeur and chaperone your teenager and her friends at a teenage get-together? How about spending a Saturday evening doing laundry and cleaning out closets?
I remember back a few years ago. Not as many years ago as you might think. In fact, only about two years ago. I was rarely home on a Saturday night. If you needed to find me, you'd do so in the company of my friends out at a local club or one of their houses having a good time. We'd be out until the wee hours of the night discussing our jobs, our schooling, our lives...all while laughing until we cried.
Oh how times have changed.
I don't remember the last Saturday night that was spent that way. I don't remember the last time I could say "I went out and did _________ Saturday night". Now, my Saturday nights consist of sitting in front of the TV watching a movie, and trying everything in my power not to claw my eyes out from boredom.
Not that spending time at home is that boring. It's just that the same old routine week in and week out gets a little monotonous. It's always the same thing... rent a move, sit down and watch it, go to bed.
Last night, I got really adventurous and decided to clean out my closet at 11PM. As I stood in my bedroom folding laundry, and getting out all the fall/winter clothes I had stored in tubs under my bed, I couldn't help but wonder when this had become my life.
I folded tank tops and sundresses and stored them away in to the tubs thinking about what I'd done during the summer. How much time had I spent enjoying that time, making memories? How much had I done of that since?
Sure, I get on here and talk about how crazy busy my life is with work and family. I spend a great deal off my time driving my kids here, there, and everywhere so that they can participate in sports or spend time with their friends. But, how many of those blog adventures that I share have involved me... by myself...or with other adults...spending time having fun?
And don't get me wrong. I enjoy my life. I enjoy being able to do so much for my kids, and their friends. I enjoy being the person they can count on to drive them around when other parents have too much going on. That part doesn't bother me a bit.
But, there are times when I have to stop and wonder if this is what my life is now destined for. Have I reached the age where adult fun is no longer on the agenda? Where my adult interactions are limited to other parents at kid-focused events?
I'm not OK with that.
I'm 31 years old. Hardly what I'd consider too old to have fun. To go paint the town with friends, dance, act like a goofball.
When my children are all grown, I will love the fact that many of their childhood memories will involve me. I'm creating memories for them. I rarely stop them from doing what they want to do, when they want to do it. And, I'm OK with that. But, when is MY time? Has that time passed? Have I had my chance at making all of the memories I need to make that don't involve the kids?
I sure hope not.
Yesterday, I went to see P-Momma, all by myself. It felt nice to get out of the house for a little while alone...but then when I did get there, what did I spend the entire time talking about? Yep. My classroom, and the kids, and the combination of both.
P-Momma suggested that we do a girls night out soon. Just the two of us. At a local restaurant, where we can sit and talk and laugh and listen to music or whatever...without any kids around. And just the suggestion of it got me all excited...like a kid waiting for their trip to Disney Land.
And I can tell you right now, it won't be a passing suggestion that goes unaddressed. I'm already making plans in my head for it to be next Friday or Saturday night. I'm not sitting on this one, I've had an offer to go out and I'm TAKING it.
I suppose it's understandable that my offers to go out and do stuff don't come very often. My social circles aren't exactly very wide. I have my two friends..that I haven't seen since this summer. They are busy with their own lives, and I haven't exactly gone out of my way to set something up with the three of us. And other than them and P-Momma, that's about it. I have a new friend that is a parent of one of Peanut's friends. We have a lot in common, and would probably have a blast spending some time together... but I'm not sure if that will happen, either. I'm not exactly the kind of person that goes out of her way to make social connections.
It's about the only area of my life that I'm shy about. Putting myself out there. Making myself vulnerable to rejection. Sometimes it's easier to sit and whine on the sidelines, because putting myself out there is just a little too scary for me.
I spend way too much of my time caring what people think of me. Trying to get people to like me. And what usually ends up happening is that I try too hard, and it comes crashing down around me. I start to notice the cold shoulders, the quick shuffles to make themselves look busy so they don't have to interact with me. Sometimes I wonder if that's all in my head. Which it probably is... but that, again, is my problem. I worry and stress what people think of me rather than just being who I am and being OK with that.
I spend way too much time on Facebook looking at pictures of what people spend their time doing on the weekends... co-workers that have gone out and done something together, old friends that have had a get together, even minor acquaintances that post status updates about the fun they're having... and I get a little sad inside. I'm at home, in my jammies, sitting in front of the TV. Jealous. Envious.
I don't want to become the person who's out every weekend. Family time is extremely important to me. It would just be nice if every once in a while someone would ask me to go out. Go do something. Dinner. Drinks. A dance club. Someone else's house. I'm not picky. I'd be happy for any offer.
Oh well, I suppose I need to quit my whining and get back to my Momma duties. There's grocery shopping to be done today, and some more house cleaning. I also need to finish off clearing away all of my summer clothes. Let's not forget the last bit of grading I need to also finish up.
Just another Sunday for me.
And I should get to doing what I need to get done.