Tuesday, January 24, 2012

True Confessions Tuesday

Dear Diary....

Do you smell that, diary?  The smell is faint at the moment.  But being that it's Tuesday, I'm sure the smell will get stronger.  It's the aromatic, delicate smell of BS excuses.  I'm going to spill my confessions, and you know that following each one will be a nice, heavy, steamy pile of BS excuses to follow each one.  What's that?  There's no BS allowed?  When did that start?  Oh, it's always supposed to have been that way.  Well, I'll be.  OK, I'll give it a shot, but I can't promise anything.  So, here are my BS excuse free confessions...

I confess that this has been another extremely hard week on me in regards to wait loss.  What?  Oh, OK... fine!  I confess that this week I haven't done a darn thing in regards to my weight loss and it's all on me.  Happy now, diary?

I confess that I'm not going to be happy when I weigh in for the Biggest Loser competition at work this morning.  I know I'm going to see a gain, which means I'll have to pay in to the prize fund, and possibly have to buy this week's biggest loser a gift.  That sux!  Not for the biggest loser, of course.  I'm happy that they get rewarded for their hard work, and it will serve me right for completely slacking off. 

I confess that I had Dominoes for dinner on Friday night.  AND it was my idea to have it.  All because I wanted to try their new cheesy bread.  I did try it. I had about 3 pieces of it, 3 pieces of pizza, and 2 pieces of jalapeno bacon cheesy bread.  If I do the math, I'm pretty sure that I consumed about a gazillion calories.  And while it was good...it wasn't good enough to gorge myself on the way I did. 

I confess that yesterday I ate 3 pieces of Better Than Sex chocolate cake.  Why?  Hello! Did you not see the name of the cake?  It was chocolate cake soaked in condensed milk, smothered in caramel, topped with whipped cream, and sprinkled with Heath bar pieces.  One piece just wasn't enough, and neither was two apparently.  Three was the magic number to fill my satisfaction.  While I will say that the name is inaccurate, the cake could easily be named Just As Good As Sex cake. 

I confess that I ate a very large helping of Humble Pie while watching the Biggest Loser last night.  HA! You thought I was going to talk about more bad food consuming, didn't you?  It was last week's episode that I DVRed.  I already can't stand a contestant.  Conda to be pointing fingers correctly.  The horrible part is, I think I don't like her because she reminds me of me!  Minus the bitchy "I'm better than everyone" attitude.  The way she immediately blames everyone and everything else for her downfalls, puts on this front that she's all big and bad....that's me!  And I have to admit that I didn't like myself very much after realizing it.  

I confess that it also really pissed me off to see one of the contestants leave the Biggest Loser show voluntarily.  Hopefully I didn't just spoil it for someone that hasn't seen it... but I really didn't say more than what was advertised on the commercial, so I think I'm OK.  It makes me mad, because this is supposed to be the season of no excuses, yet two people have basically quit the show - and we're only 3 weeks in.  That's two spots that could have gone to people who really want to be there, or the two people that are busting their behinds to get back there.  And no, it's irrelevant that I've done nothing but make excuses the past three weeks and have barely lifted a finger for my own weight loss... I'm not on the show that's offering people a life changing experience.. for free!

I confess that I've made a pretty lame deal with myself.  I've told myself that I'm not going to be too hard on myself about the piss poor attitude and commitment I've made thus far, and that when the gym is open I'll put all I have in to using the gym and catching up on the weeks I've let pass.  While it is a lame deal, and seeping with excuses, I really feel like the gym is the motivation I need...and once I have the gym, I'll be different.  I'll really be putting in the effort.  Don't ask me why... please.  It's just something that's going on with my head, and no matter how much I try I just can't shake it.  The gym opens a week from Saturday.  That's almost two weeks from now... but I truly feel in my heart that once I get to that day, things will really change. 

I confess that I want to amend the lame deal that I have with myself.  I want to add the understanding that there will be no more pizza binges or Sex cake binges or any other form of binges between now and when the gym opens.  I may not want to work out until I have the gym, but I sure as heck don't need to be continuing to eat the way I do.  While I have been pretty good at maintaining healthy portion sizes and choosing healthier foods several times a week, I need to be doing it every day of the week.  And while I still stick to my "there's no such thing as cheating" motto, I have to remember that if I want a sweet or salty treat, that I need a very small amount.  

I confess that I'm still drinking only water while at work.  A lot of water.  Like 60+ ozs of water every day.  That's a good thing.  Finally!!  A good confession!

I confess that, I hate to say it, but I think February 1st is going to be my real new year.  Again, please don't ask me why.  And, yes, I know that sounds like the biggest BS excuse you've probably ever heard.  But hear me out.  On February 1st, I turn 30 years old.  No, that's not why I think I'll magically say "OK, now I have to really buckle down and lose weight".  I can't really explain why I feel that way.  It's like a kid waiting for Christmas when they have absolutely no idea what they're getting.  They could be getting nothing but socks and underwear, but they don't care.  They still get excited.  And that's me.  Most of it has to do with the fact that the gym opens on Feb. 4th.  I have absolutely no idea why this gym will be different or why it's making me so crazy with anticipation or excitement.  But, for some reason - my own head, mostly - I just can't get the will to work-out until I walk in to that gym.  If I had a dollar for every time I've said "don't set a date to start" or "if you have a bad day, just start over tomorrow" I'd be a very rich woman.  I've said both of those things over and over...and yet, look what I'm doing.  I'm setting a date to when I think I'll finally say enough is enough and get moving.  Stupid, isn't it? 

So, while I've tried to refrain from the excuses... you all are very smart and are able to read between the lines.  Am I right?  I may not have spilled the excuses out in black and white, but they're still sitting on the sidelines cheering me on.  And while I'm in this mindset of my anti-excuse medication not kicking in until February 1st, I can still do what I can to make sure that next week's confessions are a little better.  What? I said that last week?  Oh.  I guess I did, didn't I.  OK, well I guess I'm going to say it again. 

I'm going to set a goal for myself this week.  Again, after I said I wouldn't be doing that this year.  I'm a complicated woman that changes her mind.  A lot.  I'm allowed to.  So, I'm setting a goal for myself.  Nothing too hard.  Just more of a focus helper more than anything.  My goal is to eat healthy all week.  That means healthy foods, healthy portions.  That means no fast-food, or cake, or junk food. 

It goes against everything I believe.  I believe that by swearing yourself off of something only makes you want that thing even more, until you eventually give in and then binge your way through it feeling guilty and hating yourself after.  I still believe that.  But I'm not swearing myself off of anything.. forever.  Just one week.  A fast from junk.  A body cleansing, of sorts.  And a mind cleansing.  I need to prove to myself that I can do something as small as avoiding junk food for a week.  Maybe that week will turn in to two weeks.  Maybe three... but I'm getting ahead of myself.  This is just about this next week.  Can I do it?  I think so.  No, I know I can.

Today I start my week long junk-food cleanse.  Let the challenge begin!

Till next time. ;)


1 comment:

  1. Joanna, thank you, thank you, thank you for being honest! Because you are helping give me courage to be the same. And in spite of all the lame excuses, we will BOTH do this! :)


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