Friday, August 02, 2013

When Someone Close is Hurting Inside

I struggled with whether or not I should write this today.  Basically because it stems from my dilemma of being a public blogger - meaning people I know in real life know who I am and that I write what appears on this screen.

There are days, like today, that it puts a crinkle in things I really want to say... because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or give out too information because there's a chance other people know who I'm talking about...and then they find out all the information on a situation that should be kept secret.

But, I'm throwing caution to the wind today.  I'm going to write what I want to write... just keeping as much "confidential" information out.  The person I write about will hopefully know who she is, and she can get what I have wanted to say to her for sometime... but just haven't had the right words to do so.  

This week, someone very close to me had something terrible happen to her.  Nothing physically or medically... but most definitely a swift drop kick to her mental state.  It upset me to no end when I heard about it, but even more so when I found out after the fact about how she was dealing with it.

The person I speak of is much younger than me.  Naive, gullible, and in a way... her heart is just too open.

I've watched this person grow up from a young child in to a beautiful woman, yet, she doesn't see herself that way.  No matter how beautiful everyone tells her she is, she doesn't see it.  She is constantly wanting to be thinner, even though she is a perfect size.  She thinks she's ugly, even though she has the most beautiful face, figure, smile and personality.  

She doesn't see herself the way everyone around her sees her.

A couple of years ago, she started coming out of her own.  Stepping away from being the shy girl I knew in to a woman that enjoyed being around friends, socializing, and having attention from the opposite sex.  Not in a bad way, but it was shocking to me...after seeing a girl that would blush over the mere mention of a boy to actually having boyfriends.

Somewhere in the past couple of years, her mind started to twist and turn and morph.  Her male companions seem to be coming and going a lot more frequently.  She started exercising more...and more...and more.  She started spending a lot more time in the bathroom putting on make-up and fixing her hair, just to run to the grocery store.

I've liked some of her male companions.  I haven't liked some of her male companions.  But, she's always been pretty dominant in how a relationship plays out...and will kick someone to the curb if need be.

That was until recently.  When I've noticed more drastic changes.  She has become almost obsessed by her appearance, and her dislike for it...and it has started to affect the way she craves attention.

I truly believe that she's started to think that she's not good enough for having high standards.  That she's willing to basically settle for anyone that seems interested.  And if they do become interested, she holds on for dear life...without letting go.

Back to this week.

I'm not going to go into details, but something pretty significant happened.  A cause to send her current boyfriend packing.  Nothing physical.  Nothing extreme.  Just enough for someone with any amount of standards to not put up with.  

And she, indeed, did kick him to the curb.

But, now she's regretting it.  Now she's showing signs of wanting him back.  Now she's listening to his excuses and considering giving him a second chance.

The sad thing is, I know those feelings all too well...thus, getting me to the part of this blog that made me write it in the first place.

I've been in her situation.  I know what it feels like to feel not worthy or being treated like a queen.  To accept being treated like dirt..thinking that's what I deserved.  Except, when others tried to warn me.. I brushed them off, actually severing relationships with my friends and family because of it.  When they saw a monster of a man, I saw someone that told me he loved matter how bad he treated me.

While he was off doing drugs with his friends.  I made excuses.  While he was off cheating on me.  I made excuses.  When he called me names and laughed at my pathetic attempts to cling on to him.  I made excuses.

He will change.  He told me he would.

When all of my family and friends told me to get away... I stayed.  When all of his family and friends told me to get away... I stayed.  

They didn't see what I saw.  They didn't understand.  They didn't hear the way he could sweet talk me and tell me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me.  And they didn't hear him constantly telling me that I wouldn't find anyone else, that he was as good as I could get.  And me believing him.

When things started to escalate and the first time he laid his hands on me... I made excuses.  When he forbid me to have any contact with my family.  When he would drag me by my hair from the living room to the kitchen to show me that I had messed up by not cleaning something.  When he would force himself on me during his drugged out phases...and sometimes when he wasn't strung out on drugs.  When he would lock me in the house taking away the phone and my car keys.  When he would throw me around the house because the kids were crying, and I weren't quieting them down quick enough.

I made excuses.

It's all I thought I was worth.  It was me thinking, the whole time, that I deserved it.  I made him mad enough to do those things.  It was all my fault.  I saw myself as ugly and fat - and who else would want me?

And it all started from a few open promises...asking for me to forgive him when he first messed up.  Believing his rants about changing.  Over.  And over.  And over again.

I know that's the road that the person I speak of is traveling, even though she doesn't see it yet.  The minute she takes him back.  Forgives him for his severe mistake.  Believes him when he says he'll change.  She's already walking down that road.

So, today, I wanted to share the reason why I'm so adamant about my opinions.  I want her to know that I have experience with this very same thing.  That no matter what I say, she'll make her own decisions... but I hope that she will take what I've said and use it to help her make the right decision.

She's so young.  So beautiful.  So smart.  So talented.

I just wish she would see that in herself.

Any man that gets a second of her attention should feel blessed.  Any man that she chooses as a companion should treat her like a queen.  And she should have high standards.  Really high standards.  Because that's what she deserves.  The best and only the best.

It took me four years after getting out of my brainwashed state to find the man that does all those things for me.  Because before I could find him, I had to find myself.

I had to find the beauty within myself.  I had to find my inner strength.  I had to find the inner warrior princess that put me first.  Then, and only then, was I able to truly open up my heart to the person that deserved it.  Not handing it out willy nilly to anyone that would hold it in there hands and apply pressure whenever I stepped out of line.  I needed a man that would cherish my heart.  Treat it with love and care.  Make sure that it was always beating with a happy tune.  And never hurting it.  NEVER.

So, as she reads these words, I hope she understands I care...and how much I can relate to the feelings that she's feeling.

She has family and friends that truly love her.  Care for her.  Only have her best interests at heart.  

But only she can decide what to do with her life.  We can offer our support and our opinions... but can't force her hand.

I just hope that she understands what I'm trying to say.  

Don't ever settle for less than the best.  

The day will come, one day, when a man walks in to your life that takes your breath away.  Your heart flutters a thousand beats a second.  You may have already experienced that... but there's much more.

He will be kind to you.  He will cherish you.  The only times he should ask forgiveness is if he shows up a few minutes late to your planned date, or for not complimenting you on how beautiful you are in the first 30 seconds of seeing each other.  For little things.  Minor things.  Yet, he still treats them as major infractions.  You will be able to tell him anything.  He will be your best friend.  He will laugh with you, and cry with you, and be angry with you.  Not at you.  And if he does, he tells you...he doesn't blame you, he just asks for your guidance to deal with it.

I know they are out there.... cause I have one.

It took a lot of sorting.  I had to wade through several bad ones.  But, I finally found the one.  They exist.  They are real.  

But he will pass you by unless you first find yourself.  Find your strength.  Love yourself.

Because how do you expect anyone to love you as much as you deserve if you first don't love yourself?

You are so young and beautiful.  You are.  You are perfect.  

But, until you believe those words, the path that leads to love will be a rocky and a hard road to travel.

Just know that I am ALWAYS here for you.  No matter what.  

The rest is up to you.


1 comment:

  1. Very, very powerful message -- and all the stronger because it comes from your experiences. I hope your friend is touched by what you've written. What an incredible role model you are for young women!


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