Friday, September 20, 2013

A Good Day For a Little Crazy

It's Friday.

Everyone knows that just being Friday is a cause for celebration...a reason to let your hair down and have a little fun to end the week.

Today just isn't any ordinary Friday, though.  It's the first "Spirt Day" of the school year...meaning, my first time to break out of my "professional shell" and get a little crazy.

Being less than an hour away until it's time to get ready, I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.  I have to show my school spirit for the first home football game.  That means dressing in a lot of black and red.  But, there's also a contest for the "Most Spirited Teacher".  

Yeah, that has my name all over it.  

I would normally be a lot more focused and prepared for such a day.  But, about 2AM this morning, Jelly woke me up crying...and that's because she'd woken up and the house had been pitch black because our power had gone out.  We had some really hard rain last night, and apparently that caused some power issues with the entire town.

I don't know what it is about there being no power in the house, but the silence is almost deafening.  It interferes with my ability to sleep.  Once Jelly made me aware that there was no power, I was wide awake.  

I spent some time laying in bed thinking about what I could do for spirit day.  Maybe some side pony tails with red and black ribbons?  Maybe find my big black scarf and decorate it with my red, fuzzy belt? Maybe go REALLY wild and sport some bright red lipstick to work?

Then, my mind started wandering to other places.  

Out of nowhere, I was hit with this massive sense of loneliness.  Something, I realized, that I've actually been feeling for a while... but just haven't given myself the time to think about.

Due to the crazy schedule I've been keeping, lately, I just really haven't had much time for anything but work and sports.  I spend my evenings, alone, in my classroom.  I pick up the kids, come home, and spend the evenings alone.  On the weekends, I haven't gone out to do anything...and have just spent my time on my blog, working on my computer, or going out for a walk...alone.

And the kids have been here.  It's not that I'm all by myself all of the time.  At work, I get to spend time with my colleagues.  But, it's hit me that I really haven't seen my friends in a long time.  The last couple of times I've seen my parents they've been quick trips.  I spoke to P-Momma on the phone the other day, and it feels like an eternity since I've spent anytime with her.  Hubby is in bed or on his way there pretty much every evening that I get home, or I don't see him at all because we pass each other from me getting home so late and him heading out to work.  Last week, I didn't see him at all from Sunday night until Friday evening.  

Even though none of this is new to me, and I've grown accustomed to my crazy life...when there's no power and no sleep, it can wreck havoc on the mind.

I think a lot of my melancholy feelings come from another disappointing situation where I thought I was making a new friend, only to discover that it's more politeness than friendship.  I made a friendly connection with someone a couple of weeks ago that I've been acquainted with for a while, but it's only ever been polite "hi" and smile interactions .  We started talking one day when running in to each other.  Since then, we've talked quite a bit when I get home from work, texting each other.  It started with me asking a simple question via text message, and we just struck up a conversation.  The next night, another conversation..and by night three, we were having a good laugh and sharing stories about each other over the phone.  But, the last couple of times I've ran in to the her, it's different.  Since we've started talking more, I've seen her a few times with her friends.  I ran in to her on Wednesday.  But, when I approached her, there was a weird sense of it's OK that we can talk via texting, but not really meaning that we're now friends... especially when she's around her friends.  And since that interaction on Wednesday, there has been no more text messages.

Ugh, I hate sounding like a teenager that's pouting because she doesn't feel like a part of the "cool crowd".

I've shared before that I struggle with making close friends.  I have two people in my life that I consider to be "close friends", and now that we all have teaching jobs in different schools, we hardly get to see each other.

I figured I'd make close friends at work.  And, I have with my teaching team.  I can talk to them about anything, they genuinely seem to like me for me, and I don't feel the slightest bit uncomfortable around them.  But not in the sense that we're spending time together outside of work.  They all have their husbands and children and stuff to keep them plenty busy when they are away from school.  But apart from my team, I often feel like an outsider looking in to the groups of close knit friends that are constantly clustered around the school.

I go to sporting events and see people I work with, all sitting with their friends and family.  I watch on Facebook as several people I work with post pictures of fun times they are having together on the weekends.  I see general conversations taking place around the school, and just making my presence known is almost an immediate trigger for they all go off on their separate ways.

None of them are mean to me or rude.  In fact, they are all genuinely nice to me when they are around me.  I just feel awkward when I'm around them... because I know that I don't fit in.  Or not that I don't know, that I don't feel like I fit in...maybe that's a better way to say it.  

And I know that a lot of that has to do with still being pretty new to the school.  A lot of the teachers I work with have been working together for years.  And when push comes to shove, the honest truth is... I haven't really gone out of my way to try and fit in with anyone or put myself out there for friendship.

But, this is a story I've told many times before.  

And I couldn't have been more happier than when my power came back on at 4AM, so I could get out of the funk that I was feeling and focus on the day ahead.

Yeah, it's tough being a social butterfly that flies solo.  But, it is what it is and I don't need to be stressing out over something so stupid.  OK, so I mistook a few texting conversations as a developing friendship.  It's not the end of the world.  Life will go on, I will still be me...and I can just let it go and have a little fun and forget all about it.

Which is exactly what I'm going to do today.  

One thing I do know is that the kiddos at school have all gotten to know me pretty well.  I was met with several questions yesterday about what I was going to wear today.  They all anticipate that I plan to put up a good fight for Most Spirited Teacher.  They know that getting a little crazy doesn't bother me in the slightest, and making a fool of myself is just a part of my job description.  I consider it one of the perks, actually.

Yesterday was actually a really good day.  It started off with one of the Jr. High kids bringing me a Snickers bar to school.  I made a lot of close relationships with some of the Jr. High kids during summer school, and those relationships have just continued to grow since school started.  Even though I don't get to see them very often, I make it a point to say hi to them in the mornings and before they leave at the end of the day.  It touches my heart when I know that even though I was never their teacher in elementary, they really feel a connection with me.  And I have a king sized Snickers bar to prove it..HA!

I, also, had my first evaluation from Mrs. P the day before, and I got to meet with her yesterday to hear how I did.  It went amazingly well, and she seemed pretty pleased with what's going on in my classroom.

My kiddos worked really hard all day yesterday, and in fact..they have all week.  Since getting pretty tough with them on Monday about how I was no longer going to tolerate the lack of organization nor the lack of independence that they had, they've really taken off at following directions and being more organized.

All in all, a really good week.  And I couldn't ask for a better way to wrap it all up than for me to dress all crazy for Spirit Day.

Which I better get to doing, or there won't be any time left to Fab myself up.

Have an amazing Friday!!


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